My Dream Man Then VS Now

My Dream Man Then VS Now

At every point in my life, there was always a type of man that I looked to date. It seems with every growth in my own development, my tastes shifted to reflect what it was that I wanted.

Let’s take a look at what I want in a partner now versus back then.

1. PASSIONATE ROMANCE

When I was much younger, I romanticized the experience of being with a man, more than the man himself. I dreamed of being treated like a princess and how magical it would feel. Love looked like an emotional rollercoaster and I couldn’t wait for my chance to ride.

Now? I hate the ups and downs of dating. I want a caring partner that I can build with. It may not be passionate but it’s stable. I want stability and not a frivolous love

My Dream Man Then VS Now

2. FRIENDSHIP

I have always wanted a partner I could be friendly with. Marriage always seemed to be much more fun with someone you had known for a long time. But as always, my need for romance superceeded this desire. I chased after men who could give me the thrill and it wasn’t always someone I had something in common with.

Now? I won’t rush into a commitment or relationship easily. I want to take time to develop a strong connection/friendship before indulging in more lustful desires. Not because I don’t enjoy sex or romance, but because my heart is more important than momentary gratification. Fools rush in, as they say.

3. COMPATIBILITY

Everyone wants someone they are compatible with. But my assessment of what’s compatible with my personality has changed as well. I couldn’t wait to find someone who liked the same TV shows, books and movies as me. I kind of wanted another ME, and preferred someone similar to myself in a lot of aspects.

Now? I want someone who thinks like me. Granted, if we have the same lived experience and enjoy all the same things, then awesome. But someone whose personality can balance mine is best. A quiet sturdiness to my overactive business. A gift for people to complement my need for space and solitude. But to think like me (my ambition, my concern with finances, my beliefs about the world). I also want a Human to share my adoration of cats, the truly superior pet lol. I like dogs too though.

My Dream Man Then VS Now

4. RELIGION

I was a mega-Christian back in the day. I wanted to tell the world about Jesus, and spread his love everywhere. I was convinced I had Jesus in my little heart and I desperately wanted a man who fit that model.

Now? I can’t imagine marrying a man who is super religious. I just can’t do it, and I don’t want to raise kids that way. I want to raise my kids with a sort of agnostic influence, so they can choose a religion when they are old enough to understand. Indoctrinating your kids with anything is unfair, as it pressures them to choose a life without understanding the implications.

5. SECURITY

As a younger woman, I saw the need for security as essential. I had an unstable home life so I always wanted a man who would make me feel safe and protected. I kind of thought this would appear as a big man with strapping muscles and a protectiveness of my femininity. Which sounds like something straight out of a novella....it was lol.

Now? I still want security - but not in the same way. I don’t want to be protected, I want to be comforted. I strongly desire an emotionally secure man who can convey himself maturely and in a healthy way. He needs to lack any sort of attachment disorders. The search for a man who was emotionally grounded (at least, in full command of his emotions) led me to get therapy myself for an attachment disorder (I’m fearful-avoidant).

My Dream Man Then VS Now

6. SEX SEX SEX

Oh man. I was abstinent back in the day (meaning a year ago) and I truly believed I should find a man who was also a virgin. I didn’t think sex was a big deal, and wanted to wait until marriage. My intentions were pure and I thought If he can’t wait until marriage to have me, he must not love me enough.

Now? GIVE ME ALL THE SEX. Sex is such a large part of a healthy relationship. I’m not sexually active per se, but I have come to understand my sexuality a lot more. I didn’t even realize that the other side of the relationship may want to feel desired as well....men actually want sex because it’s how they feel loved. I separated love from sex because I thought I couldn’t get both. I truly didn’t understand men at the time. I could write a WHOLE mytake on this alone. Just know that I’m trying to relate to a partner sexually - I want to have great sex until I’m 50. It’s so important!

7. HEALTH

Never really considered health and eating habits in a relationship.

Now? I understand that in order for #6 to play out well, a man needs to exercise and eat reasonably well. I’m not trying to get with a vegan (not opposed to it) but I do see the inherent value in treasuring your health above all else. I want to pass down healthy eating habits to my children. And as parents, we need to be a model for that kind of positive behavior. The ideal man can be a workout partner and help keep me accountable. We can be fit together!

My Dream Man Then VS Now

8. CONFLICT

One thing I never considered is how strong conflict plays a role in the relationship. I expected there to be arguments and fights. But considering how often my own parents fought, I didn’t really consider what my role would be in the relationship. Conflict management was not on my radar - I just didn’t like yelling.

Now? I still don’t like yelling lol. People talk a lot about communication in a relationship - but it’s super easy to chat with your man when it’s sunny outside and all the bills are paid. But during an argument, how do you talk to each other? Do you yell? Curse? Make cheap shots at each other? My parents did. And as a result, I had to come to terms with my own inability to argue effectively. I don’t yell but I can be rather snarky, which isn’t helpful at all. In my search for someone who understands healthy conflict management, I have had to check myself on several occasions.

9. FAMILY

Never really considered how my significant other’s family would affect our relationship. If anything, I thought love would conquer all, so even if his parents did not like me, who cares? He is a grown man and chose ME to be with. The rest of the world can kick rocks.

Now? Family matters quite a bit. You can tell a lot about someone by how they treat family and extended relatives. I’ve come to understand that my dysfunctional family is not the norm, so I would hope my significant other at least has the regular family. I could never demand for someone to choose me over their family - culturally that isn’t always possible anyway. Any man who is comfortable with putting his parents in a nursing home, when he can afford for them to live with him is a waste of a man. I fully intend upon making arrangements for my grandmother to live well in her old age - my future husband has to respect that.

This definitely requires more explanation, but just know family is everything. I have boundaries with my family but I still have an obligation to my elders. I want to pass down that trait to my kids - respect for the elderly and for their grandparents.

My Dream Man Then VS Now

10. EXPECTATIONS

Gender roles is not something I thought about a lot as a young child. I definitely romanticized the thought of marriage and never really considered my role in the relationship.

Now? I know for sure I want to work after having kids. And I will volunteer to stay home for the first 5 years of their life, but outside of that, I fully intend on working. I could not be with someone who expected anything less from me. The only compromise would be working from home, and only I could make a decent living with an online business. The man for me needs to understand SHARED responsibility for child rearing. It will not be enough to pay some bills and leave me to do all the unpaid work. He will be skilled in laundry and children’s work for sure, I refuse to be stressed out in that way. Parenting is a partnership, and the best way to sure no child falls through the cracks in their education.

What are your thoughts? What is different in what you look for a partner then and now? Do you agree or disagree with some of my points? Please comment respectfully :)


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This was an interesting read, thanks for posting. It is nice to get a glimpse into someone's mindset, especially from the opposite sex regarding relationships. I think it is good that you know what you want now, that is usually a road block to successful relationships. When I was younger, I simply wanted an attractive girl, and really didn't think about the rest of the details. Now, I find certain characteristics more attractive than beauty, because a pretty face doesn't mean they aren't a total douchebag. Traits such as being caring, disarming, intelligent, stylish, classy, street-smart, passionate and having some sort of hobby or talent goes a long way for me. And finally, the sex drive is a big deal... just because I find the woman attractive is not going to make for a healthy, long-term sexual experience... the passion has to be reciprocated for it to be good for a long time. For me anyways.

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    • That’s 100% valid, I understand your POV

    • I have been reading the responses, and I am finding it interesting what the responses are and then looking at the age of the person. You are 21, so your wants/needs will likely change again in the future at some point. We are constantly learning about ourselves!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Hey there, love your my take as I feel like i relate to this a lot. I'm 24, and have been in 3 serious relationships, the third being my current and longest relationship (4.5 years) which will probably result in marriage someday. The only thing different for me is the sex part. I lost my virginity at almost 15 and have had several casual flings aside from my relationships as well. As I've gotten older, and now having been on birth control for 8 years, I just don't see sex as a big deal as much. Maybe the more you have it the less you want it? I don't know. I'm a very affectionate person. I love hugging and kissing my boyfriend, I love cuddling, I just don't have a need for sex all the time. I could probably go like 2-3 weeks without needing to be completely honest, whereas he would probably want it at least once a day. And I find my boyfriend very attractive. I'm completely fine with my lower sex drive. It just means I have to work harder to make him happy and he has to be understanding that sometimes I don't want to do it. I wouldn't trade anything with my relationship with him though. He treats me amazing, he's loyal to me, I think he's gorgeous, he makes me laugh all the time, and he just gets me. He's truly my best friend. So who knows what I'll feel in 5, 10, even 20 years. But I hope regardless he's by my side :)

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    • I think the difference is that you’re actually sexually satisfied. I’m pretty frustrated most of the time (I’m a virgin but not entirely innocent). So as you can imagine, I really REALLY want sex in a relationship. But maybe a few relationships down the road, I might choose to be celibate before I marry.

    • Yeah I agree, i was VERY sexually frustrated in the beginning as well lol

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What Guys Said 11

  • By that criteria, you're not going to find him. My opinion is, its hypocritical to say 'I think I had difficulties, therefor I will reject any man who also has or has had difficulties'.

    At the end of the day, all males know what all women want in a man. Money.

    You can write lyrically and see yourself as thoughtful, if he doesn't have money, you'll reject him. And it really is that simple.

    Something I really liked though, and I've rarely seen it put into words, was the part that ends with:

    Men actually want sex because its how they feel loved.

    A social psychologist once summarized the dilemma: 'Through feeling love, women have sex. Through having sex, men feel love'. And therefor, we're all fucked! And not fucked...

    I will just add that excercising is not necessary for good sex. Thats very shallow. It can help a bit, sure, but is by no means the most important factor. Most if not all of my best fucks, regardless of who it was with, happened when I was out of shape, not at the time that I was training like an athelete.

    So, in short, how I've changed then and now with preferences... I was ok to tolerate drama when I was less experienced. Now, its the first thing I list that I can't stand in a woman. Then... I, like all boys, wasn't told that it really is all about how much money you have. Now... I dont have relationships. Simple. I can't, because they all dump me for being 'too poor'. So how can you trust any woman? Theyll destroy you, discriminating against your social class, and break your heart.

    I only look for sex.

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  • Very interesting myTake. From what you've written it definitely seems like you know what you want out of a potential partner and I think that's great! Hopefully this can serve as a guide/brainfood for those who are thinking about getting into a new relationship

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  • I think what you write is really deep which make me wonder what you've been through to write something like that.
    3. well i don't think people who have same way of thinking works though. it should be the opposite way but positively?

    6. About sex the problem usually lay on the woman in my case. well I don't really know after having children usually woman change psychologically about sex?

    9. as for family. i can't say much? it all depend on how your parents raise you? you hate people who sent their parents are at nursing homes which is not fair? you never know what they've been through?
    coz for me when you start your own family you should focus more on your family than parents? which actually a sad fact. you can't say my parents have to live with you without your hubby consent.

    10. woman should always works. male age is much shorter than woman. i just don't want anything happen to my kids if i suddenly die first and have financial prob.

    as for the others. As for the others you expect are what i actually I used to expect. XD good luck you'll need it.
    finding a correct someone is truly a treasure you much cherish.

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    • #3 is really about values. To think like me is to prioritize the same things as me. We may not like the same things or enjoy the same people - I don’t require that. I actually prefer someone who teaches me new things and introduces me to their world. Keep in mind I don’t mean total opposites - just someone who isn’t super similar to myself.

      #6 is an illustration of why this list is not static but dynamic. What is true for me as a single young woman may not hold true as a 30 year old married woman. Who knows how my view of sex will change

      #9 is a cultural problem. It’s one thing if you have a shitty parent. But overall I’ve noticed the lack of respect for elderly and esteemed people in the US. No one WANTS to take care of their parents and elderly. American culture is sick that way, I don’t want to adopt that mindset.

      And I should find someone with a good percentage of these qualities. I’m lenient on some (#2) and others not so much (#6-9)

  • I have the build of a protector but I could get into a car accident and it wouldn't matter how much strength I have. I need to work on using my words to comfort a person (which I'm really bad at). Verbal communication isn't a strong skill of mine. I was raised in a house where every little word or miss action was punished by way of a naked beating. It has scarred me to this day and I need to shake loose of it. I don't want to turn violent or be too much of a push over. Ugh.

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  • Hmm kind of interesting to see how your mindsets changed over the years.

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  • I'm curious to know what happend to you as a Christian?

    You said you were a mega Christian, but not a Christian anymore. Why?

    And what age were you?

    Thanks.

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    • I was raised fundamentalist Christian; I was somewhat aware of the dysfunction in my life but I didn’t realize the extent until i went to college. After a series of incidents in life I realized i was a victim of abuse - my life was not normal and I had to come to terms with some of the things I had witnessed.

      I had major health issues stemming from chronic accumulative stress and anxiety. So much so that I was having panic attacks and digestive problems. After examinations and blood work came up negative i had to seek alternative therapy at age 20. That’s when I found out the stress was actually causing a lot of the physical discomfort and pain i experienced. I learned that if I fixed my emotional trauma via lifestyle changes, I could still live a normal life.

      Currently getting therapy at age 21 to help cope with my issues so I can move on with my life. It’s hard because Christians are very combative and try to discredit my truth.

  • Interesting, but what made you change so much in one year? Have you had a relationship, are you still together?

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    • All these changes happened over time. except the sex portion - I changed my view of sex in 2016.

      I did so because i was really horny and came to terms with the fact that i wouldn’t make it past 24 as a virgin. Not possible. I do want sex and I still haven’t had vaginal intercourse with a man yet.

      And no, I’m not in a relationship. Never actually been in an *official* relationship

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    • “Didn't they teach you why you should save yourself for one guy only and that you should have only one love?“
      I was taught that God wanted me to be abstinent, so I was. Sex before marriage was immoral so I didn’t participate. It’s really that simple.

      “ you just need to meet your soulmate, and then you can enjoy as much sex as you want!” Lol that’s the point. I don’t have to wait until marriage to have sex with my soul mate.

      “It's just so important to never separate intimacy from love, because they are so interconnected, they work in synergy and enhance each other.” That’s literally my point. I don’t need marriage to prove that - I’m not separating love from intimacy until marriage. Why would i do that when I can have an intimate partnership with someone that I’m not married to?

      Glad you agree with me

    • But did they tell you WHY God wants people to wait until marriage, that is to be intimate with one person only? I don't believe in God, but I understand that term is being used to explain what you should do in every religion. If they didn't explain why God required this and that, I understand you totally why you abandoned your religion...

      "I don’t have to wait until marriage to have sex with my soul mate. " - but if you are sure you've found him, would you not want to marry him right away? Don't you understand, marriage is very binding, but that is to make people 100% sure that they've found the right person before surrendering themselves to them!

      I'm also glad if we agree. ^^ But why did you say you don't believe in one true love? That's really in contradiction with a lot of things you said! :P

      And also what about those official/unofficial relationships, can you clarify those? :D

  • I'll sum this up for everyone.

    Then: Tall, Handsome, Big dick

    Now: Tall, Handsome, Big dick.

    Nothing has changed. Women only care about the shallow shit just like everyone else.

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  • You ruint it with the sex bit. It just shows you are turning into a slag. I am sure the number of sex partners is just gonna increase. No thanks.

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    • Me personally I am going to abstain from relationships. Focus on my education. Then soon enough. I will be able to spot the good women from the bad women. Once they have ‘bloomed’

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    • Believe what you want. You don’t know how lucky I feel about what I have in my life.

    • Sex is important and... anonymous... you are just sad cause you don't get it.

  • Interesting take. I have two questions. Imagine you meet this dream man and you plan to marry him. Would you say you need or want him in your life? Also, you said sex was very important. Imagine if you found out your dream man had a small penis. Is that a dump?

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    • Men are wants not needs. After watching my parents have a truly horrific divorce, I know the cost of “needing” anyone, especially in a marriage. Sadly i cannot rely on anyone that much, and i strongly prefer to maintain my individuality and independent spirit as much as possible.

      Sex is very important. I don’t think a small penis is horrible per se, but he better not be mediocre. I expect 100% effort from male partners and I usually match that effort. If it works for us, it works. But I won’t turn a guy away until I’ve had a sample. And if it’s good, I’ll keep him around no problem

  • This is a cool myTake. Thanks for taking the time to share it with us. It's interesting to see how your views and proprieties have changed over time. I think you will make a great wife and mother.

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What Girls Said 3

  • I agree with everything. Especially the part about raising your children agnostic and not shoving religion down their throat.

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  • Great take!

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  • I want to win the lottery.

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