I'm Not Superficial For Having a List...

[Anonymous]

Nowadays I see that guys call a girl who feels she wants certain things in a guy as some type of superficial bitch. I understand sometimes certain people's lists can be a little much. An example of too much in my opinion is when someone says they want their significant other to have a car when they themselves don't even know how to drive or own any mode of vehicle other than uber.

The way I see it is that if you have a requirement you want somebody to have then you should also have that quality in some way. So here's my list:

1. Personal hygiene

I seriously can't deal with a guy who doesn't brush his teeth, take regular showers and basically just lives like an 80's grunge rocker.

2. Educated

Here's the thing I'm a double major student, studying film and television production as well as investment analysis and portfolio management. So like I need someone who I can talk to who would be able to understand what I'm going through. Let me further explain why for me this is an actual thing NOW... I emphasise NOW because it was actually never a thing for me before but is now. I have a friend who dropped out of university in the first week to get married and she's now a housewife (admiration for housewives, those women are strong af) so whenever I see her nowadays we honestly have nothing to talk about because her priorities and interests are so different than mine. I remember just last week she decided to have an argument with me regarding what dish washing product I used.. I didn't see it as a huge deal but she did. Our mindsets are different and I've realised in university you gain a sort of different understanding of things than the one you left high school with. Life, in general, does that to people..university kinda just forces you to see them quicker unless you instantly start working after high school then life hits you hard because workplace people are assholes 90% of the time.

3. Fitness

I'm a fit person. I'm not gonna say I'm the healthiest person because I know I love my McDonalds and coke but everything in moderation, right? I exercise and keep fit as well as eat healthy most of the time so I need somebody who has that determination to look after their bodies and cares for their health.

4. Strong-willed

I'm strong willed and hard headed. I set goals and pursue them and to me people who have this trait are extremely attractive because it shows they know what they want and have a plan on how to get it. I'm not the type to just sit around and say I'll do something tomorrow where tomorrow never comes.

5. Must like books

So this isn't necessarily a THING THING, it's just preferable because I realised a lot of people who don't like to read often discourage you from reading as well.

6. Ambitious

He's gotta have a plan for what he wants his life to be like, what type of job he wants and that type of shit. Basically he has to have dreams that he plans on achieving.

So yeah that is pretty much my basic list, do with it what you will but that's my honest opinion on people I would date. Of course love comes in different forms and a lot of the time a list is never met but consideration, as a girl some might want someone tall, others like shorter guys, for guys same, some like chicks with great big tits, others like girls that dont have much or any at all etc..

At least that's my take.

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[Anonymous]

Your list doesn't seem too bad. Hygiene is a basic one most if not everyone has on their list. Wanting someone a healthy weight also seems reasonable. Ambition and strong willed could go together but it's a trait I have as well. I want someone who's trying to do something with their life and not just leeching off me for stuff.

As for educated it doesn't necessarily have to be through a degree in my opinion. Some people are smart and end up in the trades making more money than some people who go through university and have less debt too. I double majored in physics and computer science, I don't think I'd click well with someone who double majored in gender studies and human resources. So education isn't necessarily the largest thing. As long as they're following their ambition. Some people could have an education but I may not be able to stand them.

As for books I don't read books much but wouldn't care if my partner read a lot. It depend son the person. Whenever I do read it's to more or less pick up or hone a skill.

My list is:
Loyal
Trustworthy
Honest
Somewhat attractive (healthy wight and good Hygiene)
Pleasant to be around (respectful, polite)
Have some common interests
Compatible life goals (for more long term and serious relationship)

I think more people think a list is shallow when a list is 10/10 for look, lots of money, own an expensive house and car, is a hard worker, has a Ph. D or three, and doesn't find anyone else attractive. Especially when a girl doesn't have anything to return. If a girl does have those requirements her list annoys people when she complains she can't find guys who are the same or above. Then she might have to "date down" like a lot of guys tend to do with women.

[NoToriousROB]

Sorry hun but you are not to dandy and to fathom that you can get a guy with those requirements you posted is ridiculous. Maybe we men should make a list with what we want in women: Not be overweight, be a 7 or 8 out of 10, be slim, not be naggy oh wait that person or ideal person can't exist. See how hypocritical it would be if guys made a list. The amount of insults you ladies would throw at a man would be big.

[lilaqua]

You kind of proved your own argument is flawed. Finding a woman that is not overweight, not a bitch and is relatively pretty (or on the same attractiveness level as you) is not that hard. I don't really get why you think her requirements are ridiculous, being clean, not being overweight, having the same education level and having relatively similar life trajectory are not big demands. The latter two are actually pretty very important if you want to build a successful relationship.

[NoToriousROB]

@lilaqua and you proved that your argument is also flawed. And almost all women nowadays are bitchy. Its a reality. I wanted to prove that my ideal women is too much to ask, just like what OP is looking for in a man.

[myTake Owner]

so asking that a potential partner to be clean, actually have ambitions and be educated is too much to ask for?

[NoToriousROB]

Because most of those things have tradeoffs. A guy could be clean and not be educated. Same with women. She might be ugly and not be bitchy. Tradeoffs happen.

[lumos]

You do realize though that there are probably thousands of guys she could technically choose from (assuming they would like her back) within her area alone? So finding a guy who is clean, healthy, likes the same things she does etc really isn't difficult at all. It's not impossible to be both smart and healthy/fit.

[NoToriousROB]

@lumos - delusional but if that makes you sleep well at night, sure!

[lumos]

You don't seem to think all that highly of other men huh, lol. I sleep just fine next to my boyfriend who's fit, handsome, smart, funny, and has the same interests as me ;)

[NoToriousROB]

@lumos your cat doesn't count lol

[lumos]

He’s a human lol but cute effort

[NoToriousROB]

@lumos thanks

[lumos]

I mean, the things on your list are pretty standard for any normal person who's looking for a healthy relationship. When I started reading this take, I made the automatic assumption that your headlines were going to be something more along the lines of "must be this tall, must have this much money, must have a strong jawline, must have a penis this size, must be perfect in every single way" etc, because that's usually why someone would get called superficial for having a "list". Your list is in no way superficial, considering that it's made up of positive traits that have more to do with personality/temper than excessively physical or monetary (i. e. shallow) aspects.

[cherryphi82]

You know it's funny how on this site, if I wrote something like that, I'd immediately be called bitchy, arrogant and a feminazi,, and you know what, they'd be right. What makes you think you bring that much to the table? It's like with most things nowadays, you look good on paper but are hell in reality. All you do is count up credentials. Is there a human being in there? And nice job with the backhanded compliment at housewives. I've been one for 16 years, and I'm everything you list. Stop acting like having a prestigious major somehow gives you some kind of prerogative as to what kind of mate you deserve. You are superficial, vain, and full of yourself. Next.

[myTake Owner]

its not a backhanded compliment i just know for a fact id never have the balls to do that. good on you for being strong enough to do that. respect

[ronaldo75]

"It's like with most things nowadays, you look good on paper but are hell in reality. " - this also applies to 99% of women. You sound really bitter. I've noticed this is becoming very prevalent with European women. This false overblown sense of philosophical stature that makes you smug to he point you're so dry its not worth the effort. There also was no "backhanded compliment", you're projecting.

[cherryphi82]

@ronaldo75 I'm American, and I have no idea how calling somebody out on their bullshit makes me smug.

[ronaldo75]

"I'd immediately be called bitchy, arrogant and a feminazi,, and you know what, they'd be right." - Smug.

[cherryphi82]

@ronaldo75 Apparently, you can't answer my question. There's nothing smug about stating the truth.

[Agent]

Superficial people meeting their potential lifetime partner like:
Person: "Wow. We get along so well in virtually every aspect."
Potential partner: "Yes, we do. Let's go on a date."
Person: "Wait... "
[person pulls out clipboard and analyzes list]
Person: "Do you have a college education?"
Potential partner: "Huh? That was random. School isn't really my strong suit but we are really compatible personality-wise, which is all that mat-."
Person (robot voice): "Sorry, your application was denied. You don't meet the requirements of dating me."
[walks away]

Now, hygiene and fitness are obvious. If your hygiene is deplorable, people will be complaining in class and at work. Decent hygiene is a must-have everywhere; it's not just limited to relationships.
And obviously, your partner should also be physically attracted to you because physical attraction is the reason people have sexual/romantic relationships in the first place. These two are fine; it's like saying your romantic partner "must be a human". I won't judge you for not wanting to date a dog.

Aside from the aforementioned physical things, your list will indisputably begin to qualify as superficial when it's entirely 'possible' for a person to be unable to satisfy one or multiple conditions from your list yet still get along with you as a PERSON. I believe it's possible for someone to not satisfy your 4 other conditions yet still get along very well with you on a personal level. But you would outright reject them due to 'perceived' ineligibility, I presume.

If I got along (personality wise) with a girl that dropped out of highschool years ago because it wasn't her style, had significantly less income than me, couldn't drive, didn't have much ambition etc, I'd date her no problem. People have different backstories & shit, y'know. Maybe teach her how to drive, see if I can help her further her education (or motivate her to utilize her talents) if she wants to continue it. And if she doesn't wanna do any of that, that's fine as long as we get along as people. See, that's real love; you get with someone because you like them as a person, then you make it work.
It doesn't start with consulting a checklist in order to admit them into being in a relationship with you in the first place. Such systematic procedures are best left for things like job admissions.
Jeez. Some people have literally no sympathy, lol.

[rjroy3]

I talked to an old ex whose new list includes:

1. Gets up before her to make her coffee in the morning

2. Buys her a new flower every single day, if he can get them free that is fine. But daily flower is a must.

3. Doesn't drink more than she does, and she meant down to the glass. When she's done drinking he is done drinking.

4. Taller than her.

5. Plans on getting engaged within a year of dating her.

Tho I'd give some leeway on 5. That is a lot (there was several more on said list). a lot of it superficial and a lot of it I would consider excessive. Granted this girl is a pretty high quality girl in some respects. But at this point she is way too high maintenance. But hey, she found a guy willing to do those things for her and they're engaged now as of 2 days ago? They've been dating for like 3 months maybe. Poor guy lol

[Comawhite666]

On my list there are these points;
-Decent hygiene
-Stable job with a good work ethic (not necessarily high paid but full time and secure)
-Likes animals
-No illegal drugs
-Wants marriage
-Doesn't have/or want children
-A couple of things in common so we can talk.

Appearance wise things are more give or take. I don't think my list is unfair or unreasonable. When it comes to stuff like the guy must be taller or have dark hair and be athletic then these are more shallow. I have a preference for long hair on guys but that doesn't mean I wouldn't date a guy with short hair.

I'm thankful my boyfriend ticks off everything and more on my main list <3

[coralee]

Anyone who says they aren't superficial in theory are liars. If anyone were to sit and make a list of their ideal partner we would all sound superficial. You can be superficial in theory just don't be in practice. I dated my ideal once he turned out be a nightmare and the man I fell in love with ultimately ended up being a pretty drastic contrast to my ideal. I wanted tall, dark, educated and worldly. I ended up with an average height blond from my home town. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have some shared interests but sometimes you have the most chemistry with someone who would never even register on your radar. By all means have your list but be open to people who break the list. Except hygiene that one can be permanent.

[bethshepherd]

Totally agree that it is a cheek to expect someone to offer qualities or strengths you do not offer too. Which is why I would never date someone uneducated, unskilled, not intelligent, not wordy, not in a very good job or own business - they would end up needing advice off of me all of the time, or asking for my money. No good to me at all, and a very boring person to boot. My partner is shorter than me - so what, it is far more important that he offers me all of those strengths and is not relying on me to make his decisions for him or give him money, or a job. It is far more important that he is loving, romantic, honest and caring with a great sense of humour.

[1976BigD]

Everybody wants something from there partner. It's all comes down to your partner wanting or being willing to give you what you want. All I want from my partner is for her to never get old and become more physical attractive the older we get. Oh yeah, and want sex anytime I'm in the mood for it. That's it, only those 2 things. Now that's not asking for too much can it? Lmao! Seriously though no one is perfect and it comes down to give and take. In the long run it's more about what's on the inside than the outside.

[Cosytoasty]

Lol this isn't even a list... this is shit your mothers taught you (wash, study, dont eat too much Mcdonalds), although clearly some guys didn't get that kind of upbringing.

I hope you have a real list somewhere :P... it's not superficial at all. My list wouldn't even fit in the comment box.

[apple24]

hahahah! thumb up!

[BrittBratt2416]

because men can't handle when women have preferences or standards, they think the woman should just like and take them as is. But when it comes to their standards and preferences as men, well.. we're just shit out of luck and have to get the fuck over it.

[ronaldo75]

Everything you just said is 100x worse in women... are you insane?

[BrittBratt2416]

@ronaldo75 are you?

[BrittBratt2416]

@ronaldo75 if you don't think that's how some men feel then you must be extremely delusional.

[ronaldo75]

Much less men think that way than women. Most men will go after anything female, we dont have 5 page requirement lists. I NEVER said some men dont think that way. You original comment was a sweeping generalization

[BrittBratt2416]

@ronaldo75 actually no it wasn't, just cause I said men doesn't mean men all. So I never said all men...

[MrMAC777]

You're not superficial for having a list, but some people's lists are superficial. Your list is modest compared to most for sure! And I agree that you should generally have attained a certain degree of a quality before expecting it in a partner, ie the fitness thing.

[ThatPersonOverThere]

Your list is fine. Some women go overboard, like holy shit that guy doesn't even exist overboard.

The reading one... meh. I read a lot, but that's never been a deal breaker for me. I'm terms of trying to gain knowledge books really aren't the most efficient medium like they used to be. If there's the desire for self improvement that's enough for me.

[JDavid25]

Yo list is fine really.. Not too much at all. Although you and yo friend must have other things you can talk about other than... University.. Also y'all don't always have to agree just know how to disagree without gettin upset.. ( A word to yo friend at least.) But I like yo list.. It's reasonable, and pretty well thought out..

[SirRexington]

Everyone has lists of preferences and must haves, deal breakers. I know I do.

Don't feel ashamed for knowing what you want. And these are all understandable preferences. You like to read so you'd like that commonality in someone you date. You like people with good hygiene, who doesn't? Help him achieve his ambition if you can, you are a partnership after all.

I don't see anything here that requires criticism.

[TacosRAwesome]

Your list seems reasonable, I think people have a problem with lists when its must be 6ft plus, make six figures and has 6 mansions one of them by the beach. And the person making the list is a single mum (nothing against that) who looks like a potato.

[lcj0412]

I tick every box on that list. Yet I struggle to get a date , one thing I learnt that what women say what they want and and what they really want is very different.

I shower 2-3 times a day.
I've completed my masters in business law and HR
I use to play rugby league at a top level and competed in strongman
I love reading history and international studies.
I've already saved up a lot of money to purchase a home.

Yet I can't get a date ( I seem to make friends easy but never a romantic partner )

[Goddess_Lexii]

Your list seems very normal, and I think most of us naturally desire a partner with those traits.
It becomes superficial when you start saying
1.) looks
2.) smart
3.) bank $$$
4.) what car he drives
5.) how nice is his house
6.) ewww, you use straighttalk?
Etc... those are uptight superficial sad excuses for humans.

[Unit1]

What's wrong with being intelligent?

[Goddess_Lexii]

@Unit1 being smart is the only thing I listed that is a good thing. I meant it to be mocking what those people would say... they’re 9/10 always like “welll he’s gotta look goood, and be smart, duh! Then he’s gotta dress nice, and OMG WTF are you wearing? Are those supposed to be shoes? Ewww”
You can picture a superficial girl saying that too

[Unit1]

You are confusing.

[bubble_tea]

There's nothing wrong with being "superficial" either. In the end, you are the one who needs to be happy with your boyfriend. It's better to be superficial than having your heart broken 1000 times because you give everyone a chance.

[seekingadvice90]

I understand. I tried to be nice and date people regardless of their current situation, but then I realized not having standards didn't make me nice, it make me easy to use. So I made my own list. I have a fuck buddy, but when I'm ready for another relationship they need to have their finances in order, want kids and share parenting values, treat me with respect, always choose me over another woman, and we have to be great friends first.

[OliviaDenny2000]

I wouldn't say you're superficial, but you're so picky, there is no way you will be dating any men under 40 years old (I like older men too, but that's pushing it).

You do realize that virtually no 20/30-something men fall into ALL of these requirements, right? I've still never met a guy who falls into all 6 of these categories, except men over 40(and even that's rare).

[Aynsof]

If you lower a human being's value to items on a checklist then yes you are superficial...
You are in this manner not looking for a person but a set of criteria that fits your values and it is shallow
But there are plenty men out there who do the same and maybe you will find someone with a matching list and you can have a pleasant superficial life till your lists do not match any longer...

[lilaqua]

I don't really see anything wrong with this it's kind of basic. For all the men crying, so you're saying a well adjusted career focused woman should marry a smelly, uneducated, fat bum that works at the chicken shop? Cmon

[SpiderBro]

I agree. How she’s made it sound in the beginning I was expecting a bunch of near unrealistic standards, but this is easy. It’s just bathe, take care of your health, have a goal, and basically just be on her level. The guys here must be the ultimate losers if this tiny list is a problem.