Why It's Hard For Me to Trust "Guy Friends"

[Anonymous]

Right now I'm in a complicated relationship. If you were to ask either one of us if we are boyfriend and girlfriend we would say "no, but..." or "it's a long story". It's a very complicated situation. We both like each other, but there are a lot of other factors keeping us from being together at the moment. Something that in my mind complicates things further is one of her friends. She assures me nothing is going on with him, but because of what happened the last time a girl I liked had a guy friend like this, I keep over analyzing everything I know about their relationship.

Last time I fell in love with a girl I wasn't in a relationship with was sophomore year of high school. She liked me and I really liked her. However, there was another guy. I knew they were friends and that he liked her, but she assured me that she didn't like him back. She said that she didn't want to be in a relationship and that instead we were just really good friends. As time went on, we got closer and closer, (at least as it appeared to me) and we started doing things that people in relationships would normally do, i.e holding hands in the hallway, walking each other to class, good morning and good night texts and long phone calls about everything and nothing at the same time. I was not worried about this other guy who was her friend because she had said that she didn't like him like that.

About a week or two later, we were at lunch and she told me that she was going to the bathroom. She did this every lunch period around the same time so I really didn't have anything to worry about. As per usual a crowd formed around that area with everybody getting ready to leave for class. For some reason on this day the crowd wasn't as big as it normally was, so I could see to the other side. What I saw was the thing that broke my heart for the first time. I saw her and the guy she told me was nobody, kissing each other outside the bathroom. I got up and left. We stopped talking.

As for the girl I like now, I know she wouldn't do that to me. She's one of the most straightforward, coolest people I know. If something was going on she'd tell me. But because of this, I find it hard to be cool when she and one of her guy friends are together or even talking to each other on the phone. I get very jealous and very suspicious of it. I wish I could stop feeling that way but I can't. The closer I get to actually being in love, the harder it gets to trust that nothing is going on because the last time I felt this way I got my heart broken. It's this reason that I'm always in my own head about our relationship.

It's this reason why I find it hard to believe what I'm being told since I've been in a similar situation before. It's this reason why I keep doing stupid things and asking the same questions and over analyzing the same little things over and over again which any other girl would not put up with.

I keep doing things that I know frustrate and annoy her but for this reason I can't help it. Only when I talk to her about it do I realize how stupid I'm being but I just can't help racking my brain over and over again not even a week after we have the same conversation for the hundredth time.

[Streamers7]

I feel like you would have to tell this new girl what had happened. If the guy I like tell me about when his heart has been broken before, if I really care about him, I will want to make sure it never happens again, bc of me or any other girl. I personally feel like freindships between guys and girls can get to become more, but not if they have set limits. I have a lot of guy friends, but we all have talked about limits and stuff. But in the end, if you think she would be cool with it, tell ur girl about why it worries you. Don’t force her to leave her friends though, just make sure she understands why you might never hesitant.

[Ki_Wavy]

if you haven't yet, you should share that story with her. ik it's kind of a vulnerable moment to share, but it's definitely something that would make her understand why you may accidentally act in a way that frustrates or annoys her and by knowing that, she may become stop reacting that way.
At least she'll know that someone made you that way and it's not your personality to be jealous out of nowhere.

[myTake Owner]

I've told her this story before but i haven't actually told her that i dont trust her guy friend at all

[Cosytoasty]

You got burned once so it’s understandable. But you didn’t go in and make her your girlfriend or make it clear that is what you wanted... Girls need to be claimed.

You have to see yourself as the best guy around the girl you like otherwise that nagging feeling is never going to go away. This time you go ahead and stick it in there (either literally or figuratively). Make it clear that you like her and ask her out, don’t pussyfoot around waiting for you to fall into each other arms. She might say no, she might say yes but either way your mind will be clear.

[myTake Owner]

except i did ask her to be my girlfriend however she had just come out of a nasty breakup and so I've just been here in limbo

[myTake Owner]

the breakup happened about a month before we met and it was a long term relationship

[bubble_tea]

I think you should find another girl to be your girlfriend. She doesn't know it maybe, but what she meant is "I'm not ready, because the right guy hasn't entered my picture yet".

[IconAura]

You need to keep trying to communicate this to her, this is a valid concern but it also shows you dont trust the position you two are in right now and y'all need to have a nice long sit down talk about your future and how its gonna work

[myTake Owner]

but then again, i keep bringing this up all the time and its really starting to annoy her. thats the last thing i want to do

[IconAura]

nah nah nah, can't be a little talk, from what I read you need to have a major discussion about not only this but how y'all are gonna work cause if its "complicated" then there is something that needs to be figured out to make it 100% yes, I mean I don't know circumstance but there isn't much that could prevent that externally

[IconAura]

I mean if ya are asking this you must have major concerns, and nothing she has said has reassured you

[myTake Owner]

it does for like a week but then i get all insecure again and can't help but thinking about it

[IconAura]

need some commitment from her about it, maybe talk to her guy friend about it in private, he may understand or have a similar experience

[myTake Owner]

we dont talk though we've only been in the same room 1 time

[IconAura]

have you ever tried or do you just not like each other, could become friends?

[myTake Owner]

honestly this whole situation has made me kinda hate this guy through no fault of his own. its all in my head and i know that but it doesn't keep me from disliking him

[IconAura]

maybe try, could end up being really good friends, and what bro do you know that would do another bro over like that

[myTake Owner]

thats actually how one of my friendships ended.

[IconAura]

wow shit, what a shitty person to break the bro code

[Logorithim]

What you're feeling is completely normal. The guy friend should be able to keep things in perspective and keep a proper distance from the two of you. It's stil possible to maintain a friendship, but he's got to carry himself and behave appropriately, and that goes even if the boyfriend has no doubts and hasn't had bad experiences in situations where his girlfriend has had close male friends.

This can differ a bit across cultures- in Germany, it's quite common to be in touch with your ex and even be friends with them, more so than most other places, but in my experience there is still a respectful distance kept.

[CubsterShura]

My ex used to be hella possessive and lashed out whenever I talked to a guy friend and shared memes and laughed in text (group chat so he would see it). And he would get super jealous and accuse me of flirting with other dudes. But later when he became abusive and broke my heart it's those same guy friends that gave me the most emotional support to get through the heartbreak.

Also, I never minded my ex having girl friends, I was cool with it. Turns out he was the one that chested. I found screenshot of their texts and on one part he even said 'let *my name* go to hell'... Dafuq.

The question is, only because I experienced something like that doesn't mean that I should not trust my current partner! Let's be frank, even if he has no friend he comes across women everywhere, at the gym, his class/workplace, and he must be having provocative women around him too. He might be disloyal from his side, then he will be doing something wrong. But does it give me the right to do another wrong thing by being suspicious, possessive and toxic? Hell no. God is watching and in His plan I trust.

Believe me, trusting is hard for me too, but I try my best to do it all the time. Not all people are disloyal! Remember that your old partner was at fault, she was also being disloyal which is terrible. No one deserves a disloyal partner. No one.

[ScaryCool]

This is a very good MyTake on a normal issue that pops up a LOT.

Let me add to this by coming right out saying that a LOT of guys friends tend to develop feelings for their girl friends. As a guy I've seen it tons of time and I've experienced it myself multiple times. So when you're the SO you are constantly wary of your girlfriend's guy friends.

There isn't an easy way to overcome this. The only way to do that is by constantly building trust. You have remember that if you had a girl friend, you wouldn't let them get between you both so you gotta trust she won't either. I agree with both parties letting each other know who and when they're hanging out with someone, just as a form of respect to each other. You need to try to involve yourself with them and try to see it first hand and try to realize that it really is just friends. Another thing you gotta understand is that EVEN if at the end of the day she did cheat with a guy friend, YOU didn't do anything wrong. Just because she did doesn't mean another girl will. Not all girls are bad at handling their feelings or emotions.

On a side note, its not wrong to never be a 100% guard down. Always keep an eye out. And not because you don't trust your SO but because you don't trust the world around her. Build up trust and if that guy DOES try getting with her, she'll turn him down and if it got out of hand she'd stop hanging out with him. This is why YOU also gotta be the biggest friend along with being the boyfriend so she can come to YOU about something like this and open up to you.

[newbie2015]

I have a best guy pal. It works for us. There are "rules" though. First, you have to establish limits. We are both in relationships. So we dont have 24/7 access to one another's lives. Also, I'd never do anything with him without mentioning it to my boyfriend. EVER! Dinner, vaca, etc. He lives a plane ride away now, but still. My boyfriend is told ahead of time. Not because I HAVE to, but because I respect him. Nothing is ever a surprise to my boyfriend. I believe in disclosure when it comes to guy feiends. Furthermore we both include each others mates in our relationship. He has reached out to mine and I text and chat with his. Our loyalty will always be to the friend opposed to the mate (for instance she should never tell me she's cheating and expect me not to say something and she knows this), but when we get together, that natural pairing off of sexes is an important componant of double dating. My best friend and I are pretty much the same person, so of course we get on swimmingly with one another's significant other.

In the end I love him. But I've known him long enough to know I'm not IN love. It's just friend love. So it works. I think if you find a mate you respect and who doesn't push limits and discusses them with you first and treats you with respect from the get go, it can work.

[SarahNicks90]

Did your male friend at any point ever want to date you and wish you guys could be together? Was he the one friendzoned or did you both mutually decide?

[newbie2015]

@SarahNicks90 oh yeah! We actually hooked up the 1st night we met. I wanted to date him initially. Then i totally got over him. When i move on i move on 100%. Then he told me he loved me and tried to win me over for a year. I shot him down. We were only able to be true friends once we established we would NEVER be together! We are the same person so we'd kill each other. Its way better this way.

[SarahNicks90]

Ha so then you just proved my point. Men and women can’t be JUST strictly platonic friends. It always starts with one liking the other

[newbie2015]

@SarahNicks90 but it doesn't have to end that way. I have zero feelings for him. The idea of sex is repulsive. It just doesn't exist. He turns me on the same as my brothers.

[SarahNicks90]

Ah yes that may be your side of things but what’s his? I guarantee you don’t disgust him sexually like a sister would

[newbie2015]

@SarahNicks90 i trust him because i KNOW him. He'd never disrespect me by saying so even if he did.

[Buddhadong]

Its a little different with a gf’s guy friends.

In general, a girl will never make the first move. Which means she has nothing to worry about with any of my female friends.

With A girlfriend though, girls are 100% more passive, and will act like they dont notice when their guy friends are being sexual. Around them. Girls pretend to be oblivious.

But i do think that if the guy friend was interested he has to get closer and closer to her until she lets her guard down and then she can claim that she never did anything to initiate the affair.

By then though the girl you liked is banging five dudes behind the school dumpster for one more hit of crack.

Sorry son, the girl you love is a whore.

[debi2622]

Why don't you ask her to have him hang with you sometimes. That way you can get to know him yourself. Then maybe you can see for yourself if there is anything to worry about. But keep any preconceived ideas at bay so you can form a good solid opinion. If she does not like the idea of you getting to know him, then that would be a red flag.

[SaltyBooze]

releasing control is one of the hardest things someone can do, but the most rewarding. the more you do it, the better you will feel afterwards. dont worry about bad feelings, theyre normal. dont run away from it, embrace them. and yes, to stop being "jealous" you need to release any notion of need to control your partner.

[Anonymous]

Okay dude, so first off, you need to take ownership for some of what went wrong in your sophomore year "relationship." You claim that you were just friends (which is true) but that as time went on you got closer and closer (as it appeared to YOU). That last part being key. Nowhere in there was it seeming to her that you were getting closer. I'm basing this on you citing "holding hands" and similar things as "evidence" that she was into you in a sexual way. Did you kiss her? Did you ever try to? Because THAT is where you can confirm whether or not a girl is in to you sexually. Not from having deep conversations, and not from holding hands. Kissing in a making out sort of way and other physical manifestations of sexual interest are paramount.

So that brings us to your current situation. Where do you stand with this girl? Have you been on dates? Kissed? Seriously made out? If not, you need to stop worrying about the other dude and start minding your shop a bit better. Make a move!

[Prof_Don]

I agree with this. Without a kiss or some sort of sexual/flirtatious touching, she's just being friendly. You took too long making your move on this girl, playing things too slowly.

If you made a move faster, BEFORE the "guy friend" made a move, history can be totally different. She could be into you, and that other guy could still be in the friendzone.

[CandyCaneZoe]

Because you're insecure, plain and simple. I mean, you're not a minority, lots of men and women have this issue. I don't care who's broken my heart in the past, I'm starting over from scratch each relationship and am not putting trust issues on someone else. If they fuck up and violate my trust, we're done. Pain and simple.

[lovelyleo]

probably because I recently posted a question about men and women being friends. It was mixed answers. I lot of the guys were saying they can't be friends with a woman. If her guy friends is one of those just waiting on the sidelines til she give her opening then you would have every reason not to trust him. I'm not saying that is the case but you have need to see how it goes. Just let her know your concerns and give her a chance to be a good girl friend to you. It may all work out.

[torken]

the best way to address guy friends is to make an honest and serious attempt to become their friend too. be nice to them, form your own friendship with them.

its easy for a guy friend to want to steal your girl, but if you befriend him... fewer guys would fck over a friend.

[ASEXY]

Would you trust the guy friend if he's gay or asexual?
Besides rare exceptions to this general rule, boys and girls can't be just friends. Guys tend to be be more aware of this, but girls tend to be naive enough to think boys and girls can be just friends. It makes sense to not trust her 'guy friends.'

[Prof_Don]

Doing the "slow-play" method in the dating world as a man doesn't work! You need to make your moves quickly on her if you are into her after a few dates!

You slow-playing this 'dating' dynamic with this girl, left open the opportunity for this guy-friend to escape the friend-zone and get the girl you wanted!

Take this as a lesson learned.

[TyroneL]

My girlfriend made the same way she needs a lot of reassurance. Because of past experiences with being cheated on. I don't blame her for it but yes it does get annoying having to repeat myself all the time but I don't mind because I love her and someone who loves you wouldn't mind doing the same because they want you to feel safe and secure.

[ENTP_EMO]

Normal situation. Heartbreak? Normal lol. Don't want this to happen? Date an ugly chick and you won't see this too much. Deal with it, friend. Beautiful things are perceived as rare. Or average even. Or even ugly sometimes.

Rare: people want it.

[JimRSmith]

I know you had a bad experience with this, but it doesn't always shake out this way.

[myTake Owner]

i know but i can't get this scenario happening again out of my head

[DamnMan]

Guy friends are always willing to bang their girl-friend unless he's otherwise preoccupied.
If you are dating a girl, you can ask her to limit time with the other guys.
If she doesn't, then you need to question what's up.

[bubble_tea]

Honestly, I don't think "I just can't help it" is a good enough reason for most things. He should at least try to change.

[apple24]

If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t have a guy friend. That’s pretty much cheating.

[myTake Owner]

i don't wanna keep her from seeing him though because i dont want to be "that guy". and though it does kinda bother me, i have girl friends that i absolutely love and i wouldn't want to be told that its my girlfriend or them

[apple24]

Be your own person. Who cares who you are. Point blank if she doesn’t like it she can leave.

[Browneye57]

TLDR. Yes, you're being stupid. And acting like a girl. Don't do this. Be a man.

News flash - if she has other guys around she's having sex with them. Find a new girl.