DISCLAIMER: SORT OF EXPLICIT LANGUAGE AHEAD. IF YOU'VE GOT SENSITIVE DELICACIES, HIT THAT BACK BUTTON.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I suppose it's good to reflect on your failures from time to time. Maybe I'm looking for advice. Or maybe a pat on the back and an "it'll be okay". Or maybe a swift kick in the ass and a good talking to. Or maybe because I haven't written a Take in a long time. Fuck if I know. I just thought I'd lay my thoughts out and maybe it'll be relatable to some people. Anyways, this shit happened to me today and this is just an inner monologue of what was going through my head sprinkled with hyperbole for dramatic effect.
Now that it's summer and I have a bunch of free time, I go to the gym about three times a week. Today was shoulder, back, and abs day. There's usually a couple hunnies there with fat asses that I definitely notice and I'm sure one of them has noticed me, but I'm not sure in a good or bad way. About halfway through my workout, I spot her walking in from halfway across the gym. First time I've ever seen her and god damn. Eyeballing her, she's probably about 5'5" with the biggest pair of tits I've seen in quite some time. That's probably the first thing I noticed about her. Now, admittedly, I should say that I'm very much a breast guy. I definitely appreciate a nice ass, but a slim shorty with big tits makes me forget my own name.
"You should totally approach her."
"Errrrr, ya, like that's gonna happen. And say what? She's got her headphones on, bro. Don't embarrass yourself and get back to your workout."
And back I went. None of this is helped by the fact that I'm the classical introvert. If I don't have to interact with people, I don't. And if I do, I do so sparingly.
In between sets I couldn't help but steal glances, amazed that she doesn't topple over because she's so top heavy.
"Fuuuuuuck, just say something. Stop being a little bitch."
"Bruh, there ain't a god damn thing a guy like me could say to a girl like that and have it go well. Especially not in this situation. It's the gym. Girls don't wanna be approached. We've all got our headphones on. I ain't about to needlessly interrupt someone's workout for my own selfish gain."
"You're gonna regret this."
"What do you even say? 'Hey, do you need any help?' Cringe. Next. 'Hi, I'm so and so and I thought you're like the hottest chick here.' Smooth as broken glass. What every girl wants to hear from a guy they've never met. First you have to get her attention. If you go up to her and start talking and she just flat out ignores you, do you know how terrible you look. Super embarrassing. Might as well just throw yourself in front of traffic after that."
"You're overthinking this."
Eventually, my workout routine brings me into her side of the gym and I make a point to pass by her a couple times, hoping for I don't even know what. About an hour(?) after I first spotted her I'm stretching, finishing up another day in the gym, and lamenting how the universe hates me. Heading towards the change room, I make one final pass of the gym area and I don't see her. She probably left while I was stretching. That would happen. Aw well, such is life. I should be used to it by now. Nothing would have come from it anyways, I half-heartedly reassure myself. As I leave the change room, I think to myself that I probably won't see her again and that it'd be hilarious if she was right there when I exited the change room, as highly improbable as that would be.
AND THERE SHE FUCKING IS!!! I swear to god, just as I'm leaving, I turn my head and she's walking right towards me, like 15 feet away, heading towards the women's change room. I look at her with this deer-in-the-headlights look just long enough for her to look up at me. I can't imagine what was going through her head when she saw the look of sheer horror on my face as everything I'd hoped for and feared came unexpectedly walking towards me at 3 km/h. I quickly turned away, walking slowly towards the exit, with her right behind me.
"Say something you fucking idiot! You won't get a better chance than this!"
"Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, shit, fuck. My mind's blank. I can't think of a god damn thing to say."
"Bruh, you're blowing it. You're running out of time. Turn the fuck around, open your fucking mouth, and say something. Just say 'Hi'. See if 'hi' works. See if that gets you going. Worst that can happen is she'll give you a dirty look and kick you in the balls rendering you crying on the floor in a pile of tears and shame for everyone to look on in disgust at your feeble attempt to pitch woo at a hottie that probably thinks you ain't shit. That's it. No big deal."
All I can do is go to one of the empty tables to pretend to fiddle with my gym bag as she walks right by me. I look up helplessly to see her turn her head and look at me out of the corner of her eye. And there she goes, along with my only shot.
"You fucking blew it. The universe gift-wrapped you an opportunity. Just lobbed you a slow pitch. All you had to do was take a fucking swing. And all you could do was watch the ball sail right past you at a snail's pace. This is why we can't have nice things, god dammit!"
I tried to rationalize it.
"It caught me off-guard. I wasn't prepared for this. It wouldn't have worked out anyways. She probably noticed me noticing her and was creeped out so I saved myself the embarrassment. It's for the best."
But the other side of me wasn't having it.
"You're never gonna see a girl like that again! When's the last time you saw a chick like that? A few months ago, 6 maybe? When's the last time you had an opportunity like the one you just choked on? Because I can't even fucking remember. When are you gonna stop being a bystander in your own god damn life?"
I left the gym with this familiar sense of disappointment in myself. I've seen this story before so many times that I've almost grown numb to it. I walked to the bus stop chastising myself for being such a pussy and letting yet another opportunity pass me by.
"The more things change, the more they stay the same." I never really knew what that meant when I was younger. But seeing the same outcome occur in different situations over the years, I'm getting more of an appreciation for it.
Once on the bus, I had the opportunity to reflect on my terrible life choice that I committed just 10 minutes earlier, and I thought:
"I'm gonna write a fucking MyTake about this shit, because ya, that's a good idea."
So ya, thanks for reading. Don't be like me.
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