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Approach Anxiety: The Eternal Struggle Part II

I've written a couple takes on approach anxiety over what's surly an esteemed tenure on this site (LOL!). You can read the first one here and second one there. I write on this topic because it is my Everest; the one thing I cannot get passed in life for whatever agonizing reason. No matter how much I want to, my introvertedness is like a rope tied to my waist that keeps me where I am.

Anyways, this is just an update of events over the past couple weeks because I need some more encouragement (clearly my internal self-talk has not been enough), and since my last one was four years ago (and nothing has changed since!!!!), maybe a new crop of people who've joined this site since then can resonate with this one.

Onwards...and over the cliff!!!

I live in a part of the city that has a lot of apartment complexes so I see a lot of women walk their dogs on a daily basis. There was this one particular woman who grabbed my interest who I noticed walking her dog a couple times, but sadly we were on opposite ends of the street and there is no way in hell I'm running across the street to talk to a woman. Talk about stranger danger! I told myself that if we were ever on the same side and happen to be near each other (as improbable as that would be), then I would approach her. Now I often don't get a good look at these women if they're on the either side of street, so I can only really distinguish them by their dogs; a woman can change her clothes and hairstyle, but her dog's gonna look the same. This particular woman had a small, black dog with a red harness.

So, flash forward a bit and I was out for a walk around the block, completely lost in my thought. I look up momentarily to see a small, black dog not 20 feet away from me.

"Oh look at that dog," I think to myself, "how cute".

"Oh a red harness.....wait a minute....wait a damn minute....is it???"

I look further up and see her. She's oblivious to me (obviously, because why would she notice me) with her back partially turned and I have no more than three seconds to figure out what I'm gonna do. Obviously I should walk up to her and sweep her off her feet with my charmingly charismatic personality (LOL!!!), just like I said I was going to do. But is that what I did????

No, of course not. I just panicked, forgot all of my words, felt my heart speed up, and let my legs gracefully carry me away from the best opportunity I've had in a while; an opportunity that I wanted. The universe gift wrapped it for me, one that I will likely not get again with her, and I couldn't even throw myself in the game. If you've read my second MyTake, you'd know this to be a common theme with me (oh and if you did read that second MyTake, no, I never did see that girl again). I spent the rest of my walk kicking myself in the ass.

"I was caught off-guard. It happened so quickly. If I was better prepared, I would've done it," I tried to think of every excuse I could to soothe my ego.

I told myself that next time I'll be ready. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuure, but okay, I believe you big guy.

Flash forward to tonight. I walked past that girl's apartment building to see if the universe would give me a second-chance to redeem myself. Nope. She wasn't out. So I kept walking and decided to try a different route. I walked across the street and up a hill where I saw two wild turkeys! Snapped a couple pictures and kept walking. Rounded the corner and kept on walking until BAM!

This cute girl pops out from her condo complex with her dog. She looks at me and quickly looks away, walking about 30-40 feet in front of me. Obviously dogs walk slower; meandering around as they find a place to paint their masterpiece. So the gap between us narrowed and I knew I'd most likely catch up to her.

"This is it!" I thought to myself, "the universe is giving me another slow-pitch. All I have to do is walk up to her, introduce myself, make small talk, and get her digits."

At one point, she looked back at me for a second and then back to her dog. I wasn't sure if this was because she thought I was attractive and wanted to see where I was, or she thought I was going to assault her and she wanted to see where I was.

Either way, I kept walking, and as the gap narrowed, my heart rate elevated, breathing became shallower, and I couldn't convince myself to take the shot. I couldn't find the "right" words. All I could do, as I sailed past another golden opportunity, was look at her, wave pathetically and say "hey" in a low, sheepish voice. She smiled and said "hey" before looking down and I instantly died of regret while I kept walking.

"What are you doing, bro? What the actual fuck? She was attractive!!" I furiously scolded myself, as I crossed the intersection, hoping a car would hit me as punishment for yet another missed opportunity.

"But...at least I said 'hey'. That's a win, right? Baby steps," I tried to spin it positively.

But I wasn't having it. I spent the entire walk back kicking myself in the ass. I told myself that next time I'll be ready. But what are the chances of me seeing her again? Based on historical precedent....slim. What are the chances that I'd have a better opportunity than today should I see her again? Even smaller. I probably have a better chance of winning the lottery.

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So why do I struggle so much with this?

It's a question that I haven't been really able to answer well until recently. I think it's a mixture of things. I'm the introvert of introverts whose more comfortable observing life than engaging with it. That certainly doesn't help when you have to engage with someone. But if I needed something from someone where I had to approach them, whether it's directions or finding something in a store, I could get it with some but not much hesitation. So why do I get such debilitating anxiety with approaching attractive girls? After much introspection, I've come to two reasons.

1) Shame

The first one was difficult to come to, but it makes sense given my experiences. I just feel this sense of shame for being attracted to women. I remember being given shit from this one girl for having pictures of attractive girls in my locker door when I was in high school, to the point where I felt I should keep my attraction to myself (talk about a blow to a guy's development). And in the same year, I got my first real rejection that left an emotional scar on me that took years to overcome. I also never really had the experiences one might expect in college which definitely didn't foster positive personal growth, which I've spent the last ten years trying to catch up on. On top of all that, we increasingly live in a society where it seems like women go out of their way to call guys creeps and perverts, especially online, for any perceived misdemeanor, and eschew in-person male interaction in favor of digital interaction through social media. So it's difficult to convince yourself that you should approach when much of what you've experienced has shown you that male sexuality is wrong, unwanted, and something to be ashamed of.

2) Fear of vulnerability

I cannot be vulnerable. I choose silence over vulnerability. I refuse to let people in. I used to be vulnerable when I was younger and I know how little that gets you as a guy. The thought of it makes my brain instantly shut off. And you can't get much more vulnerable than opening yourself up to an individual and risk rejection or ridicule. I've put myself in that position multiple times before and it's always turned out the same. And without positive experiences to build on, convincing myself to keep trying is borderline insanity.

And this doesn't even touch on the health issues I have that have degraded my confidence in having conversations with people over the last few years (*cough* vocal cord paresis *cough*).

So, if you've made it this far, thank you for reading. Perhaps you relate to this, perhaps not. Perhaps you have some words of encouragement....or of ridicule? I don't know. I just thought I'd spend the last two hours regurgitating my thoughts onto a screen. Maybe it'll help with my vulnerability. Maybe it won't. But at least I'm trying something, which is more than I can say for myself this past evening. FML. Uggggggggh

But those wild turkeys, though. Look at these gorgeous beasts.

Just an evening stroll in the hood
Just an evening stroll in the hood
Approach Anxiety: The Eternal Struggle Part II
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