How Do I Let This Girl Know I Am Not Physically Attracted to Her?

[ManOnFire]

Hey, everybody, I don't post my personal dilemmas very often but I do need help with a really tough situation I've got going on lately. My details were, again, too long for a question, and this time I really was going to just put it in a Question post but when I tried it actually said my details were too long, so I'm actually forced to do it as a Take again.

Some weeks ago I met a girl on another website and we really found each other to be interesting and have talked every day since. I won't say we exactly felt romantic about each other but we have flirted a few times. When we first swapped photos it was all cool, and I thought she was kind of cute. She's no beauty queen or anything but I thought she looked decent. She herself doesn't think she's attractive and had an old relationship where even her ex made her feel bad about herself, and that made me sad.

After talking about meeting up for some days, we finally did this weekend. She said she was going to be coming up to my area anyway. So I was cool with that and we did meet up. She was nervous but very sweet while we chatted, and then we sat in her car for awhile chatting. I like this girl a lot as a person and as I even told her later in text, I can tell she has a good heart and her personality was very pleasant for me to be around. She said she felt the same about me too.

I like talking to her and I feel like we connect in personality in such a perfect way, but I honestly hate to be so cliche and say that she is not physically appealing. I'm not one of those guys out there who wants or needs a 'perfect 10' woman who looks like a celebrity - in fact I'm not even really attracted to very beautiful women, but this girl is less attractive than your average woman, and that's really all I want to say about it without even hurting my own feelings.

I feel bad because she's already told me how nobody thinks she's attractive and even her own family makes fun of her physical shape, and she might be thinking that we really could start to get more serious about a relationship. Like I said, I really like her as a person and a friend and would like to hold on to her as such, but I don't know how to let this girl know that I do not foresee a relationship or even sex with her. Does anyone have any advice?

#NotAttractive

[MyHonest2Cents]

You seems like a very decent guy.

I've been in similar situations, a friend of mine thought I have feelings for her from us spending a lot of time together. But no I'm actually not into her physically and couldn't imagine myself dating her.

My way of drawing the line is that I never touch her ever. I keep that physical barrier to maintain friendship level of closeness I did not want to lead her on. Now she is dating someone and we still hangout, which is actually a relief for me.

Reading other comments, I would agree with them to just let her know. I mean... it's gonna hurt because it is still a form of rejection. But better don't give her false hope, so she can spend her effort on someone else instead.

[ManOnFire]

I finally told her yesterday that I like her as just a friend. She didn't seem hurt and said she liked me as a friend too but I feel like she was just trying to be strong.

[MyHonest2Cents]

Maybe she already know. Usually girls can pick up the vibe, they are better than us at this.

But doesn't mean she didn't have a little hope.

Anyhow, I'm glad you told her. I respect you for that.

[Bluemax]

First of all, I'd like to say I appreciate your compassionate empathy, Manonfire. The world could use more like you.

I'm afraid that finding a painless way to reject her will be like searching for Eldorado. Since *any* rejection will be painful, the best we can hope for is a rejection that's not as painful as others.

I have found that being quick about it will be the least painful way. You tell her that you simply don't have romantic feelings for her, and that you don't believe you ever will. You can tell her you'd like to be friends if she's OK with that. You should respect her decision ONE WAY OR THE OTHER. If she doesn't want to be friends, then RESPECT THAT. (I wrote a mytake about that)

[ManOnFire]

Okay, this is helpful!

[Cynicaldreamer]

You sure that girl isn't secretly me?
This sounds way too familiar with what's happened to guys trying to turn me down in the past- they liked me as a friend, but there was no physical attraction there.

By the way, thank you for wanting to tell her and not just ghost her like most guys do.

With that being said, all you can do is tell her the truth: you like you, but you're not attracted to her physically, or you can't see yourself dating her.
However, you would not mind being friends with her. It's better you tell her now than later and she falls for you.

[ManOnFire]

I know. I'm having such a hard time with it and it's really starting to make me sad😢

[Cynicaldreamer]

You sound like such a sweet guy.

Seriously, I've been in her shoes before and it's going to hurt, no matter how you let her down!
She's going to cry, be angry, disappointed, and probably never want to talk to you again. And that's normal.

You can offer to console her, talk to her, even offer tips if you think that would help boost her self esteem and confidence. Basically be there for her.

[ManOnFire]

Okay😢

[silvermoon84]

Aww, you seem like such a sweet guy for starters and I wish there were more guys like you. And thank you on behalf of women everywhere for not ghosting her or leading her on. I know this conversation will be hard for both of you.

start with her good points, it might soften the blow a little. Example: “I think you’re one of the sweetest girls I know and I would be honored to have you as a friend if you’re willing, but I don’t feel any romantic chemistry between us.” At least that’s how I was rejected years ago and it hurt at first but I got over it. Good luck

[ManOnFire]

I can never ghost anybody, because it's happened to me more than once, so I don't do what has been done to me. I'm trying to get up the courage but it's so hard😔

[silvermoon84]

I know, it’s a difficult conversation to have. I’ve been on both sides. Just give yourself some time to figure out what to say if that helps. When you do have it, try to keep it short and to the point (while still being tactful of course) and then give her some space. If she wants to continue the friendship she’ll come around in due time but if she doesn’t don’t take it personally

[Hermes-Paris]

When you connect online many times the personal connection just does not pan out. That is the risk we all take when we are on line. I have been both the one who was not attracted and the one who was not attractive enough. I was told by one woman that she liked me but I was not quite her type as she like more rougher hairy guys. Fair enough. I hated to tell some woman that I was not attracted to them. I end up telling them early on that online dating has that second element to it that only manifests itself when you meet and see.

But... as it happened I met two women who we were both sort of but not mutually attracted to each other but we had a lot of fun just hanging out. We've been good friends for over 15 years now. I actually just finished texting one of them who we have been good friends since. She later met a man, married, but is now a widow. I helped her get back in the game and after her two year mourning period. She has a new boyfriend. I was thrilled to see her living her life again. So let your date know that the chemistry isn't there but she is a great person. Who knows you might be life long friends like Me and Mo.

[Fashionpioneer]

I think you're getting ahead of your skis here friend. Has she said anything that makes you feel like she wants to be your girlfriend? If not, her physical appeal TO YOU is totally irrelevant!

The best thing at this stage is to say absolutely nothing about her physical appearance. It's irrelevant. What is relevant is that you like her as a PERSON. That's probably more important to her than telling her she's going to be America's Next Supermodel! We've gotten so caught up in romance that I'm not sure we appreciate the wisdom of little kids. They don't care if their playmate is a boy or a girl, they only care if they enjoy being in the other kid's company!

If at any point she says something about taking your relationship to the next level be honest, you enjoy and value her friendship, but when you got together you just didn't feel any chemistry, unless over time that changes.

It sounds like you have a good friendship and that you care that your friend has been hurt by gratuitous, hurtful comments on her appearance. Don't add fuel to that fire with your comments as well. It sounds like her looks are a non-issue between the two of you. Keep it that way.

[JPrez]

It sounds like the girl has been through a lot. She will take it hard but unfortunately that is out of your control once you tell her the truth. Just be honest but choose your words carefully. You need to balance what you say with some compliments about her personality and anything else you can think of. Good luck.

[ManOnFire]

I know. It's like my mind is struggling to know how to say it because she already knows people think she's ugly.

[PrincessBunBuns]

You don’t have to tell her she’s unattractive, mans! Just tell her you don’t think it’s going to work out. If she already knows she’s not “pretty” then there’s no reason to hurt her feelings again. But, if you want to continue being friends, tell her you’d still like to keep in contact because you find her to be a great individual. Don’t have to lie, sugarcoat, or tell the truth.

[ManOnFire]

Thank you! Cuz I really don't even wanna say anything to her about her being unattractive. That just feels cruel.

[heythereitsmee]

Your username is "manonfire" , be a real man and say it to her that you like her as a friend but maybe you ( the girl) are not my type. You could say you are really pretty but i look forward to be friends with you and that's all. Don't make her feel you have a future , also don't make her feel she is ugly or whatever.

[ManOnFire]

Okay, this actually helps some!👍🏽

[musicbrain5]

You just have to be straight up and honest. Don’t beat around the bush and make excuses, nobody likes those games and it creates excessive drama. Also, don’t expect to remain friends with her after this either. She likes you as more than a friend but when that is unrequited, it hurts. Trust me, I’ve been there. The friendzone fucking sucks. Say goodbye to that friendship as there is no potential there either.

But what changed between her pictures and her appearance in real life? Was she using those really stupid Snapchat filters or something and it masked her true look?

[ManOnFire]

Only one of the pics she showed me had a filter in it, but the others were natural. She DOES like different in a lot of her photos - which she herself even realizes, but in person it's like all those pictures are really her but in a different way or something.

[weasley8]

I'd just say it's not going to work out. Or you could use the "it's a bad time/I'm too stressed/I'm too busy" excuse. That's my go to for when the actual reason that I'm rejecting someone would hurt them. Especially now, with everything that's going on, it wouldn't be hard to explain why it's not the best time to start something. I'd certainly recommend it over saying that you don't find her attractive. That's never a nice thing to tell someone. I've only used it as a last resort, after I'd already rejected the guy multiple times and after the guy had resorted to things that were actually illegal to try to change my mind. I don't think that this girl deserves that. She seems sweet.

[tibit]

Dude its gonna suck but you may as well rip off the bandaid. Be honest and tell her you don't want a relationship or sex but value her as a friend or see her as a sister. One cannot choose who they live or don't. However making these boundaries clear is the most important part. Part of being an adult is doing what needs to be done. And remember that this like all things will pass. It may pass like a kidney stone... but it will pass

[spartan55]

So how much were you flirting with her before you met? I notice you said she looked kinda cute in the photos and then not so much in person. Were the pictures misleading?

[ManOnFire]

I was the one that did most of the flirting, and she did some. Her pictures were definitely real, and she was even hesitant about showing them because she thinks she's unattractive too. It's just that she did take good ones of herself or something.

[spartan55]

Man dude, that is a tough one. Are you convinced that she definitely wants something more than friendship?

[ManOnFire]

I am pretty sure she is expecting that, yes.

[Liam_Hayden]

Well you can't force feelings, so as the vast majority of people base their relationships at least in part on that there is no reason to feel badly. You should just be honest that you enjoy her company but do not feel a spark. She might be a little upset, but the alternative is to string her along for awhile and then do the same thing, which will be worse.

[ariadneR]

Honestly, just be honest. I'd rather you be honest to me than just lie to my face. Sure both feelings will get hurt, there no way around it.

[ManOnFire]

I'm so sad about it😢

[ariadneR]

Yeah I know.
I was kinda sad to, but its inevitable. You have to rip it off like a plaster (band aid)

[angiebangie]

Lol, what a tough spot. How are you going to let her down easy... you literally sound like the nicest guy ever. Would you be willing to try and ease her off by putting her in the friendzone? Maybe she's the type that wouldn't mind whether its really a relationship or just friends...

[angiebangie]

Maybe though its best to just let her know and then part ways. Sometimes situations are sticky. Just be nice about it, but I know you will be

[ManOnFire]

Actually things have been going pretty well between us lately. We hang out and I really enjoy her company. We're actually gonna hook up soon lol. She is not a very beautiful girl, but I find that it's her personality that's hard to resist.

[LEADFOOTboi]

you have to say it as soon as possible... to not lead her on or let her lead herself on toward you... i totally understand your torn ness... you must be a great guy

[neurolove]

Tell her she is like a sister to you. She'll understand and feel good that at least you like almost like family. That will quickly remove any romantic feeling while keeping the friendship in tact.

[cute_short_nerd]

Tell her you lost feelings and have no interest in her whatsoever and then also tell her that it’s your taste in women as to not hurt her confidence😛🙇🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[SereChiba]

Going through the same dilemma and have decided to just say like it is, as kindly as possible, or it’ll only get worse.

[strateguy632]

just specify " i want you to know we are just friends "

[akanetuk]

Sometimes action speaks louder than words, let your action speak friendship

[Anonymous]

Take her to meet your family

[hi_it_is_me123]

By telling her, that you are not physically attracted to her

[Aaron_Stone]

Sad but , Truth need to be said for avoiding Bad future