6 d

The Missing Men and what to do about it.


Related subjects:
Where did all the good men go?
Why have so many men given up?

This MyTake has been requested of me by others several times and I've awnsered related questions to this many times. I was unsure if I was able to structure this statement but this is me trying to explain it as I see it.

I should also add on a personal note that I myself was slightly witchhunted out of a job once a few years ago for staring too much, it was 2017 at the peak of the #MeToo-movement in Sweden. At the time I was very left-leaning myself, not 100% with everything they stood for but generally. Now I guess you could say that I am liberal from a US perspective, have some leftist thoughts still(within reason) but there's no real liberal-ish political parties in sweden yet as far as I know.

But I think the new left has gone overboard and has mostly left their reasonable past behind and is now mostly an irrational mob set to anarchy. Fueled by social-media, intolerance of other opinions and the algorithms that make us only see the opinions of people we agree with. Which makes us think we're always in the majority and ofc, the loudest and most negative minorities are the ones that get the most attention.

I would also add that I myself do not harbour much or any ill-will or frustration against women in general and think that everyone has their part to play in fixing this mess.
I empathize with my struggling peers but I also encourage you to take responsability of every action taken and realize there's no excuses not to try and learn again. If life is not a struggle then have you even really lived it? in my opinion, life is about learning to overcome hardship and be present in the moment.

This is an all-text MyTake, bare with meSo this is what I see from my perspective of what is happening with so many men in the datingscene who naturally want to find good women but don't have all the experiences that would make them successful.

Be vigilant of your thoughts.
Be vigilant of your thoughts.

Even if I as a man want equality and hopes that women will help level out the differences in the datingscene by doing just as much as men do or drop the expectations put on men for being men altogether .. in dating, women still don't really have to do anything, men will come to them.
But which men? Well, the ones who have worked up the habit of approaching women. Those could be good or bad ofc and it goes without saying that they are less intimidated and can read the hints and signs better than the other men. But they also have a lot more options and are more likely to cheat(I think. And I'm generalizing).

I understand women want strong men, men that have themselves figured out, can face their fears, take a chance and read between the lines. But what creates those men are more than just genes. It's the accumulated experiences, support and rolemodels that shapes men. And most of the time there are no good teachers for how to behave in the datingscene, we have to learn ourselves, from mistakes. And that takes strong character and support/understanding.

Men, unlike women, HAVE TO learn. I'm sure womes have very different lessons that comes their way but the average and better looking women will always have men coming to them either way. If men don't keep pushing themselves to be better we get left behind.

Which leads me to those who struggle to keep pushing. Not all men have good friends/family/rolemodels, our support-structure is likely to be lacking and because of how sometimes the norms push us to not show emotion or vulnerability, even if we have support, sometimes we don't know it's okay to rely on it.
And as we throw ourselves into the world and try to accomplish what we want we make misstakes that makes overthinkers doubt themselves and awaken hidden frustrations that for present-minded individuals manifests as outlashing emotions, physical or otherwise.

Following the #MeToo- trend..
Add to that todays fear of strange behaving men. The actions that are taken against men that are struggling to learn without support. Judgement, social isolation and sometimes witchhunts. The men going through these struggles are the men who dared to try even though they know nothing, the ones that are trying to become better even though they know they have a long way to go. If given the chance to fail and the only consequence be looking like a fool then most of these men would have a good chance of becoming good men.

And other men that are watching these things unfold have become afraid of even trying as they understand the risks are too high and the consequences of failing are so punishing on so many levels. This is where a good portion of men are today. I'm not saying these are inherently good men but they sure have the potential to become good men.

Being stigmatized is traumatizing for many and it takes time to heal and a lot of perspective, acceptance and inner strength as ones self-esteem is crushed and leaves you questioning if you're even fit to try again. Or, like some men who turn to rage and frustration and decides to blame ALL women for the actions of a few extremists leading a mob of sheep.
This destructive trend is causing a lot of uncertain men to be #RedPilled. Some of what the redpill-community is saying is not entierly wrong but many are just ventilating their frustrations and are unknowingly making themselves and others toxic and bitter, in my opinion.

To the extremes we have the #MGTOW(MenGoingTheirOwnWay), where they pretty much have given up on trying and just focus on finding joy and happyness without looking for a partner. It's a way to live life I guess. And even if it comes out of a toxic place I think its a good start for self-improvment either way, good for them, I guess.

I think and hope oftentimes this is just phases that our turbulent lives and circumstances bring us through and it's understandable to react this way but it's not reasonable if we want to move forward.

I think we, late men, will catch up once we start trying again. Once we accept that we can't control how other see us and sometimes we'll have to stop caring about the stigmas we get stapled in our faces. Just blink and prove them wrong, show them what it means to be strong in our own mind. Move past our failures and learn from our inevitable misstakes. We'll come back in our 30s which will be our new 20s. Which fortunately works out pretty well as most men 'date down' (prefer girls younger than them) and most women 'date up'.

What to do about this mess..

-.. the possible wide variety of reasons why people act the way they do.
-.. what uncertainity and fear does to someone trying to be better without a good framework to lean against.
-.. the differences of our gender-roles in society.
-.. that the vision you have of other people might be wrong and it's better to try and talk to the person in question and finding out their perspective, rather than shaming someone baselessly.
-.. that if you want equality and change you need to understand that it comes with time, understanding, self-awareness and everyones willingness to work on themselves first.
--.. it's okay it be wrong and it's okay to fail, that's how we improve.
-.. It's okay to trust your instincts but also know that you can't know everything by mere gut-feeling, test your notions before you conclude your thoughts and either..
A: ..start mouthing off to the next person. Rumors hurt too.
B: ..assume someones feelings or thoughts about you. It's not true just because you badly want it to be.
--.. someone trying to change and improve is bound to stumble in learning to walk. Forgive and move on, don't waste time on drama, unrequited love or people making fools out of themselves.
--.. that if you question someone that's throwing crap at others you'll usually find that it's more about their experience of what happened than what actually happened. Or that they just don't really have anything relevant to say so they just ventilate their unprocessed thoughts. Make up your own mind based on your own experiences.

The Missing Men and what to do about it.
Add Opinion

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

  • As a woman idc what men do anymore. I focus on self that includes :
    • My career
    • My finances
    • My education
    • My home
    • Traveling
    • My children
    What I’m finding is some men have given up on women - at this point I rather not deal with American men as they have become bitter and catty about women who’ve hurt them; they generalize all women the same. For my peace of mind and sanity avoiding these men are best. My life is great as a single woman whose happy without a man!
    • ct1243

      I rather deal with men overseas - American men here have become disrespectful

    • ct1243

      It’s best these men go their own way because too many of them have become emotional. It’s not my place to teach a man how to become one. Unfortunately, too many of them generalize women because of their bad experiences with other women. I’m not affiliated with any movements and I just removed myself from this dating pool in this era.