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Dating a Computer Scientist 101


If you should ever find yourself in the unfortunate situation of dating a computer scientist, you'll want to fully prepare yourself for the experience of a lifetime. Although they may at first seem about as interesting as linear algebra, once you dig deeper, you may find that the computer scientist you love isn't just an impossible nerd, but also a possible non-nerd if he's in the mood for NOT statements.

If you're willing to be patient and discuss sexy things like pin-outs on an RS-232 connector, the difference between a list and an array, and why recursive functions are like, duh, the center of the universe, then he may put away his laptop long enough for a lap dance.

In this article, I'll offer up my top 00101 tips for having a successful relationship with a man who is often happier in a virtual world than in the real world.

Never Tell Him He Reminds You of a Serial Killer

As tempting as it is, never tell your computer scientist lover that he reminds you of a Jeffrey Dahmer. First of all, a computer scientist does not even know how to use a drill. Secondly, the glazed-over, psycho look in his eyes doesn't stem from a psychotic hatred of human beings, but from -- you guessed it --- programming computers.

What? Did you think it was an easy job? Well then maybe you should date a serial killer if you like guys with easy jobs, because how difficult is it to chop someone's head off with an axe?

Guido von Rossum, inventor of the Python programming language
Guido von Rossum, inventor of the Python programming language

Never Ask Him To Fix Your Computer

It's not cute, ok. Nor does it make him feel desirable. On the contrary, people who fix computers are called 'desk jockeys' for a reason. It's a pejorative term used to describe someone who unscrews screws and plugs in hard drives for a living.

If you want your computer fixed, please go to Best Buy or just buy another one. And no, we won't copy files from your old computer for you, because it's shit work.

You'll Sound Like an Idiot If You Talk Technology

Doesn't matter if you know the speed of your CPU, how to use Microsoft Word, whether or not you know the difference between volatile vs non-volatile memory, you are still going to sound a freaking idiot if you try to act like you know something about computers.

So please, don't even attempt to talk about technology or, worse, try to act like you are on the level of a computer... let me stress the next word... scientist because you are a consumer of technological products or because you know how to ping your router. It's like going to the drug store and trying to convince the pharmacist that you are qualified to deal drugs. Yes, you will look absolutely stupid.

Technology Metaphors Are OK The First Time We Have Sex

I get it, it's a turn on to talk about his hard drive. And you want him to fit his memory stick in your slot or fill up your inbox. Sure, Ok whatever turns you on, but after a while, the sexualization of computer scientists gets really, really old.

How many Hollywood movies have you seen where they make it look glamourous to be a hacker or a technology executive or whatever? Trust me, it's the least glamourous job on the face of the Earth, and even though we love those movies as much as anyone, enough with how sexy it is to work in technology. It's absolutely not sexy.

At Least Try To Understand The Binary Number System And What It Really Means To Him

Dating a Computer Scientist 101

No, you don't understand what binary means to him until you land on an alien planet where the aliens only have two fingers and their entire mathematical system has only two digits and they store those two digits as electrical charges. At least for one second, please stop being ego-centric and pretend that you are something non-human with less than 10 fingers.

Dating a Computer Scientist 101
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  • exitseven
    I teach computer science at a local college and worked it the industry for 20 years.
    This was funny but I never minded fixing somebody's computer.
    • You're probably a nicer guy than I am. Specifically I remember this one neighbor who worked for NSA who kept getting me to do stupid crap like copy files to a thumb drive because he was too stupid to do it himself. That was the point at which I said 'no more.'

    • exitseven

      I used to tell my students that all the stuff you see on that 24 tv show is a bunch of BS. None of that stuff ever works that way.

  • serious
    Not sure whether this mytake of yours is meaningful or not. Its fine though.

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