Trial, Error & The Dating Game

[PiuBelloAmante]

Fear of Rejection

Take a deep breath, inhale, exhale, now go! Approach that girl or guy you have been eyeing for the last week. Not that easy right? The fear of rejection is a huge problem, and has made forming relationships extremely difficult.

Often I see questions regarding someone crushing and wondering how to approach this person. I often give advice but nothing is more important than experience.

Experiencing Rejection (i.e. Failure)

So you took that deep breath approached the beautiful person, complimented them, and asked for their number - good job! But often times people get rejected. And it comes down to two things: body language and tone, but these things become more natural through experience.

Body Language & Tone

If your tone sounds like it's changing between millions of octaves and you are about to cry, chances are your nervousness got the best of you. As a result, the person you're speaking to is now staring at you as if you're weak and/or lacking confidence.

Body language is also very telling. For example, if you're talking to a prospective date, but your arms are crossed, your hands are in your pockets, or you're slouched down, this gives the impression that you're closed off. The irony here is that this type of body language is usually done to make yourself feel more comfortable and secure, but it actually has a reverse effect.

Mistakes Happen: Learn from Them

Now, even if your Body Language and tone were perfect, you may still get rejected. It happens. But, instead of becoming discouraged, it is important to learn from these failures. The key here is to replay the situation and analyze every encounter so that you can learn from your mistakes.

Additionally, rejection can also be devastating for your confidence. But try to keep confident and keep moving forward. Eventually you will get over the fear of rejection.

It Gets Easier...

Once this fear is over with, you will have an easier time approaching him or her. You will no longer have that fear clouding your thoughts and disturbing your confidence. I have been turned down 10 times more than I have been accepted, but it has made me more and more experienced at approaching women.

The Best Method: Trial & Error

Think of failure as just another lesson, and instead of fearing rejection - embrace it. Remember: dating is simply a game of trial and error. Don't treat every relationship or encounter as if it has to work, because it doesn't.

Don't be afraid to say hello to the handsome waiter or the attractive lady that lives on the floor below you. The greatest reward comes with the greatest risk!

[aficionado]

@PiuBelloAmante
This article ) or take, whatever) seems to be tailor made for me. I'm 28, but I have never approached a woman in my life due to the fear of rejection. The first problem is, I'm HIGHLY insecure about my looks and feel that I'm the worst looking man on the planet, so women would reject me anyway. And next issue is, I'm an emotional and sensitive guy (although not a pushover), and these are considered 'weak' traits of men. So every rejection would be a personal insult and humiliation for me, knowing that I was not good enough for someone. And with every rejection, I'm sure my confidence and self respect would gradually go down.

I have been in a couple of relationships, but the girls themselves approached me in both cases. That was almost 5 years ago, and I have been single since then. I have kind of 'insulated' myself from developing feelings for women. And if I realize that I may be starting to like someone, I kill my feelings before they can grow any stronger.

During the time I have been single, I have focused on completing graduation and building a career for myself. So far, things have been progressing smoothly on the career front. And now I usually don't even feel the need for female companionship, because I seem to have given up on women completely. But the thing is, I don't know for how long I will be able to sustain myself, before eventually feeling lonely but by then it might be too late due to my age.

[MisakiNakamura]

O. o wow when I this it almost felt as if this was coming out of my mouth personally. Except for the fact that I'm a woman not a man this sounds like something I would post about myself... I can't even tell you how many relationships I have ruined by distancing myself when I started to feel something for the other person.

[aficionado]

@MisakiNakimura
But its not really a big deal for women because even in this era when where gender roles have changed, men are STILL expected to always make the first move. So the only thing women have to do, is to exercise their lip muscles to say 'yes' or 'no' when guys express interest. Its as simple as that. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is what I understand from a male perspective.

[MisakiNakamura]

hmmm it may just be the case for some women who are actually attractive enough to make guys want to approach them. what what about the kind of woman to have to hope that a man can look past their looks and like them for their personality. (which is the category that i fell i belong in) we can't just wait around for prince charming to come around and sweep us off our feet in fact a lot of time we have to put work in befriending said interest and with luck they fall in love with who we are when they get to know us. Men may be judged of their weakness but women are still judged on their appearances and if you have low self-esteem (like i do) then that can even drive away some men do look past your appearance so it all depends on the situation for both genders i think.

[aficionado]

@MisakiNakamura
I guess you're right. Both genders have it equally difficult, but in different ways. And some are probably doomed to remain alone all their lives (like me), and they just have to adapt and find other sources of happiness, instead of whining and complaining about something beyond their reach. That's what I'm trying to so.

[PiuBelloAmante]

I am so sorry you feel that way, companionship is a beautiful thing.
Also I am sorry to hear about your self perception. It seems as though you knock yourself down, even though you have built success.
Even though you may not be the most attractive guy, maybe you aren't confident with yourself, maybe you aren't a macho man who is always strong and insensitive, thats ok. You are who you are but you need to embrace who you are! and find confidence and acceptance within yourself.
Once you find the confidence within yourself it will radiate outward. By "killing your feelings" you aren't allowing for emotional growth and maturity.
I wish you the best of luck with all your future relationships but i would highly urge you to open up yourself to the chance of a relationship and try to conquer your fear of rejection.

[aficionado]

@PiuBelloAmante
I do understand how beautiful companionship is, because I was lucky enough to experience it a couple of times before (although they were quite brief). Unfortunately, the basic human need to love and be loved, has now become available only to a privileged few. Of course I would want to open myself up to the chance of a relationship, but I seriously doubt if women would actually be willing to give me a chance. It often hurts me, and sometimes I even shed a few silent tears. But its only momentary, because I get shaken back to reality in a rude way and I just go about my daily routine.
Sometimes I feel that my issues are rooted deep and I may need therapy, but I never go ahead with it because I know that therapy can never change the way I look, can't increase my height (yeah, I'm really short) and most importantly, can't make women accept me. I really don';t know if there's any hope left for me or not.

[PiuBelloAmante]

there is hope you sound like a very, in touch and special individual, i know height can be a big obstacle in finding a woman, my best friend is 5ft 3 inches and i am often there to hand him a cold beer after rejection. it makes me infuriated to see these women turn him down because i know how amazing he is as an individual.
But he often finds a way to win over women, he has confidence and strength when he speaks, his body language is grounded an emanates power. He knows this is such a huge set back but he keeps pushing and finding a way. he recently dated a woman who was 5'9'' which many people looked at strangely but his confidence in conversation and within himself, allowed him to keep this companion for quite some time, he actually broke up with her.
Don't lose hope embrace the fact that it will be 10-100 times harder for you but that will just make it that much more beautiful in the end, there is someone for everyone, good luck my friend and keep your head up!

[aficionado]

@PiuBelloAmante
Thankfully I'm not THAT short. My height is 5'7". But I feel a lot shorter because I seem so many 6 footers wherever I go.
And regarding my looks? Seeing my pic, do you suppose I really am as bad looking as I believe, or do I just have self esteem issues?

[PiuBelloAmante]

You got a nice set of hair, tan skin, and a bright smile bro, and your normal height, you are young.
Dude you got the world waiting for you!

[aficionado]

@PiuBelloAmante
Thanks pal, your words have given me some confidence. I don't have a tan, its just my natural skin color. Also, I was somewhat overweight during my late teens and early 20s, but I put in a lot of efforts to reduce weight during the last one year. This pic is a recent one, in which I'm devoid of extra pounds!

Once again, thanks for your encouraging words! I will try to approach women soon. :)

[PiuBelloAmante]

when ever you feel ready! go for it
If u need any advice or just someone to talk to, feel free to message me =)
good luck my friend

[aficionado]

Thank you once again!
I'll surely drop you a message sometime soon! :)

[SakuraChii]

Thank you for making one of these for men/women, most tips go to one geneder (I usually see for men) I kinda disagree with their just being body language, and tone because majority of the time and its been even proven by science; in the first 60 second or 3 mins your appearance is already judged by that person then comes the tone, body language and personality, so if someone seems disinterested and your a confident/nice person then that could be why. I also agree with the whole experience thing, I think that for some people when it comes to their crush they think about already dating them or being with them forever even though they more then likely don't know them.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Haha yep, i know girls dont approach men as often as men approach women but, i find that nowadays that is beginning to change!
And well yes looks and physical attraction do matter a lot too, but for the sake of getting a point across i didn't get too much into detail

[Anonymous]

Good stuff. Finally somebody on here is telling people to go back to the basics. There are certain situations where shotgunning, jumping into the deep end, throwing shit against the wall hoping something sticks, whatever you want to call it... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Troubleshooting that noise in your car? Terrible situation. Talking to girls? Jump in head first with your shotgun in hand and shoot at the shitty wall hahaha.

You seriously could have just wrote "Quit being a beta and go talk to her already, you bitch" and it would've been just as good. Mark Twain said "You need two things to succeed in life: ignorance and confidence" and I believe it!

[PiuBelloAmante]

Haha i think the Beta Alpha thing is bologna but confidence rings true, Once some one has been threw something enough times they feel comfortable in the situation and don't have to think, It's when action happens that opportunities present themselves.

[Opinion Owner]

Trust me, I do too. I always have to explain to people on here that betas exist, but the alpha thing is usually bullshit or some idiot that is obnoxious. Confidence itself is silent, but you can't deny beta stuff when you see it lol

[PiuBelloAmante]

Yeah GaG should have a barbecue next summer where they feed all the Betas, steak!

[Opinion Owner]

Mmm, beta steak :D

[VulcanHades]

Like everything in life, practice makes perfect. Sure, some people are naturally gifted, but most of us have to fail several times before finally getting the hang of something.

Learning from my failures is something I learned a long time ago with video games haha! In my case it's not the fear of rejection anymore but a disinterest towards the whole dating game. If I find someone, good. If not, I don't care. Life is beautiful with or without pussy. :D

[PiuBelloAmante]

Haha videogames are completely trial and error based! great analogy, And yeah if you are content single or with a companion that's awesome!

[Greece1990]

Being turned out 10 times more than you have been accepted is very good. Just since 2012 I have tried to talk to and ask about 40 girls and all turned me down except one (she eventually lost interest). I think dating becomes easier one your like 26 and people are looking for serious relationships. Women are more open to date guys they wouldn't have before, like a boring ol' guy like me.

[PiuBelloAmante]

I doubt you are boring, and if you are thats easy to change get a few hobbies, learn how to play an instrument become passionate about something!
but i do agree with your statement about age and how it affects how we view a prospective partner/date/companion.

[TStorm]

very good take. they key is to learn from previous mistakes, not take rejection personally and keep trying, like you said.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Beautifully understood! Good luck in all your relationships, present and future!

[CaptCrisp]

@piubelloamante

Sei Italiano?

Some people just get it, some don't.

[PiuBelloAmante]

si io sono mezzo italiano, mezzo messicano! sono nato in i stati uniti

[CaptCrisp]

@piubelloamante

Ah bene. Sono mezzo italiano, mezzo cubano! Lol

[Anonymous]

some people think if you are friendly and smile a lot, this is a green light , and it is evidence you want more. So there has been times i have deliberately used my body language in a negative way, so i am not approached. I was talking to a friends father who was 70, he misread my friendliness for flirting and asked mo on a date. So everytime i saw him after that, i would closed up body language so he wouldn't approach me again. He never did!

[PiuBelloAmante]

Well played! you used "negative body language" to your advantage!

[PhiOmega]

I don't know, this is great for some people, but for people like me...

I'd lose more than just my nervousness, I'd lose my sincerity, I feel I'd just keep grasping hoping for "SOMETHING" to stick, it might it might not

In my college career I've only met one girl i really liked and she turned out to be taken, that's ok

[PiuBelloAmante]

Yeah man, i feel you, it's easy to meet girls in college but it's hard to from a relationship. Kind of what i am going through right now

[PhiOmega]

I understand

[Yeahhbro]

This is probably one of the most importang and basic rules of seduction. Not only in this but in life as well! For instance when you look for a job, prople get rejected a lot before they get a position.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Exactly this can apply to any social relationship!

[SteelyMcBeam]

Dating is EXACTLY like job-hunting; you are selling yourself, so it really hurts when someone tells you they don't want you. It's one of the worst things in the world. They aren't just rejecting your gifts, hobbies, lifestyle choices... they are rejecting YOU.

This happens a lot in online dating, too, only at least the sting of rejection is limited to them checking out your profile and then not replying to your conversation-starter message.

Similarly with job-hunting. Supposedly one has some % chance (like 5-10%) of getting any particular job they are applying for.

[CaptCrisp]

They're not rejecting you... They're rejecting your presentation. They know nothing about YOU.

[PiuBelloAmante]

@CaptCrisp its all about how you present yourself. 100%

[CaptCrisp]

@SteelyMcBeam

Don't look at it like its a job search... That is not the correct mindset to have. You also don't need to impress women... You impress them by who you are as a person, smooth, self assured (the most attractive quality in a man polls show), unreactive, not weak.

[Yeahhbro]

true i know what you mean. However though, i made this point, because it is absurd to assume that by being the best version of yourself, that you are going to be liked by every girl out there... I took this as an example, because it is exactly the same way. Obviouosly off course, the more experience, knowledge, the better your changes of scoring the girl that you want or landing the job that you want as well.

[Hajar_Whitestone]

How about people who got Social anxiety disorder? it's not fair from rejection who control them, but fair of people thoughts.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Fear of what people think about them?
Why should they be afraid of other peoples thoughts?
The answer is they are afraid people will judge who they are. But why does it matter if people judge you?
It matters because if judged negatively you maybe ostracized or rejected.

Check out Maslo's Hierarchy of needs.

[Hajar_Whitestone]

You can't understand that feeling if you ain't of does people.

[PiuBelloAmante]

I can't understand those people you are right. I have never suffered social disorders but i will tell you this, those disorders are completely mind made
Human are animals who live in "packs" or as we call it society, we depend on each other to survive.

[Hajar_Whitestone]

Maybe yes maybe No

[PiuBelloAmante]

It really is up to interpretation i guess. I just wish everyone with social anxiety disorder the best of luck!
It must be hard living with that constant fear

[ImSoSozzled]

I'll just leave this here...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2iGk87bug2s

[VulcanHades]

It's not always the fear of others or their thoughts. Some anxiety disorders make people legitimately terrified of public or closed spaces, or being left alone with someone. There's also the fear of negative public scrutiny, public embarrassment, humiliation, and social interactions. As well as the fear of suffering from a panic attack.

People with serious anxiety disorders have to fight a lot harder with themselves. But I think in the end it comes down to the same thing: no matter what anxiety disorder or phobia you have, the only way to surmount it is by facing your worse fears so that they gradually become less and less of a problem.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is based on the belief that our response to things, not the things themselves, cause the problems. So you have to face the things that scare you to eventually change your response to them. Avoiding them only reinforces the fear.

You can also try relaxation methods to fight stress. Like meditation, nature therapy etc.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Yeah all anxiety is based on fear and anticipation
My advice to everyone who has fears, face them!

[Anonymous]

I really feel like if 2 people really click there should be no method or anything like that. I was dating a guy and everything just went to well so good I never thought about any of this

[PiuBelloAmante]

Well, sometimes people have difficulty finding someone to click with, me especially. i just thought i would write something that expresses what i learned through my experiences with dating and how for me it's been a game of trial and error

[Scrambled]

Yeah... you ladies sometimes have it wrong when it comes to this. To me what you said is akin to me saying something like "I don't think there is a method or anything to getting rich. You just have a good idea and make money from it" Its right, but there is a lot more to it than that. Some people don't "click" as they have lost their social skills somewhere in their childhood and its difficult to read people and click. Also you get guys who can create that "click" or "vibe" and get any women. Some guys would like to know that skill:)

[koko124]

That's because women are pursued by men much more than vice versa, and are rejected less often when they do decide to pursue. There is often no need for a woman to force herself to "confront" rejection.

[Opinion Owner]

I have been rejected nicely and cruelly before. The cruel rejections are the reason why I no longer pursue men or ask them out.

[PiuBelloAmante]

And that's fine. I understand why you feel that way and i am sorry you didn't get let down so easy. And men will approach you don't worry but it will be up to you to either reject them or not

[meatballs21]

The handsome waiter? What could be better than being hit on when you're trying to work?

[PiuBelloAmante]

It was just an example lol.
I just was throwing ideas out there, in order to get the idea of risk taking

[Wisenguber]

Nice Take, realm enjoyed it.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Thanks!

[JustinX9]

well i never approached a woman in my 22 years of existence

[PiuBelloAmante]

Haha don't worry my friend eventually the women will approach you ;)

But on a serious note, I would try to open myself up to women, you need some yin to your yang brother!

[JustinX9]

women will approach me? that will never happen brother impossible... i'm still worried about rejection

[PiuBelloAmante]

I see. Well i will tell you this the only way to overcome fear is to face it.
What would happen if you approach a woman who you don't know and may never see again and say "good morning" and give her a smile. she will most likely just respond back positively and if she doesn't who cares you will never have to see her again.

[JustinX9]

yeah i have low self esteem that i why i never approach girls

[PiuBelloAmante]

Well to build self esteem will take time, don't worry man it will come with time and work. Try boosting yourself esteem by improving yourself!
Learn how to speak another language
Play guitar
Work out
cook
I find when i learn new things, skills, or get new hobbies i feel more confident in myself and other people take notice

[JustinX9]

well that works for you

[Keyspirits]

Lelelel MH

[Anonymous]

It is easy for you to say this since you are a good looking guy.

[PiuBelloAmante]

Well thank you, but looks aren't always what is important especially to girls. It takes confidence to approach a woman not looks, sure looks may help but trust me girls who have dated me because i am "hot" didn't date me for too long.

[JackKerouac77]

Great little take!