Trial, Error & The Dating Game

Fear of Rejection

Take a deep breath, inhale, exhale, now go! Approach that girl or guy you have been eyeing for the last week. Not that easy right? The fear of rejection is a huge problem, and has made forming relationships extremely difficult.

Often I see questions regarding someone crushing and wondering how to approach this person. I often give advice but nothing is more important than experience.

Trial, Error & The Dating Game

Experiencing Rejection (i.e. Failure)

So you took that deep breath approached the beautiful person, complimented them, and asked for their number - good job! But often times people get rejected. And it comes down to two things: body language and tone, but these things become more natural through experience.

Body Language & Tone

If your tone sounds like it's changing between millions of octaves and you are about to cry, chances are your nervousness got the best of you. As a result, the person you're speaking to is now staring at you as if you're weak and/or lacking confidence.

Body language is also very telling. For example, if you're talking to a prospective date, but your arms are crossed, your hands are in your pockets, or you're slouched down, this gives the impression that you're closed off. The irony here is that this type of body language is usually done to make yourself feel more comfortable and secure, but it actually has a reverse effect.

Mistakes Happen: Learn from Them

Now, even if your Body Language and tone were perfect, you may still get rejected. It happens. But, instead of becoming discouraged, it is important to learn from these failures. The key here is to replay the situation and analyze every encounter so that you can learn from your mistakes.

Additionally, rejection can also be devastating for your confidence. But try to keep confident and keep moving forward. Eventually you will get over the fear of rejection.

It Gets Easier...

Once this fear is over with, you will have an easier time approaching him or her. You will no longer have that fear clouding your thoughts and disturbing your confidence. I have been turned down 10 times more than I have been accepted, but it has made me more and more experienced at approaching women.

The Best Method: Trial & Error

Think of failure as just another lesson, and instead of fearing rejection - embrace it. Remember: dating is simply a game of trial and error. Don't treat every relationship or encounter as if it has to work, because it doesn't.

Don't be afraid to say hello to the handsome waiter or the attractive lady that lives on the floor below you. The greatest reward comes with the greatest risk!


Most Helpful Girl

  • Thank you for making one of these for men/women, most tips go to one geneder (I usually see for men) I kinda disagree with their just being body language, and tone because majority of the time and its been even proven by science; in the first 60 second or 3 mins your appearance is already judged by that person then comes the tone, body language and personality, so if someone seems disinterested and your a confident/nice person then that could be why. I also agree with the whole experience thing, I think that for some people when it comes to their crush they think about already dating them or being with them forever even though they more then likely don't know them.

    • Haha yep, i know girls dont approach men as often as men approach women but, i find that nowadays that is beginning to change!
      And well yes looks and physical attraction do matter a lot too, but for the sake of getting a point across i didn't get too much into detail

Most Helpful Guy

  • @PiuBelloAmante
    This article ) or take, whatever) seems to be tailor made for me. I'm 28, but I have never approached a woman in my life due to the fear of rejection. The first problem is, I'm HIGHLY insecure about my looks and feel that I'm the worst looking man on the planet, so women would reject me anyway. And next issue is, I'm an emotional and sensitive guy (although not a pushover), and these are considered 'weak' traits of men. So every rejection would be a personal insult and humiliation for me, knowing that I was not good enough for someone. And with every rejection, I'm sure my confidence and self respect would gradually go down.

    I have been in a couple of relationships, but the girls themselves approached me in both cases. That was almost 5 years ago, and I have been single since then. I have kind of 'insulated' myself from developing feelings for women. And if I realize that I may be starting to like someone, I kill my feelings before they can grow any stronger.

    During the time I have been single, I have focused on completing graduation and building a career for myself. So far, things have been progressing smoothly on the career front. And now I usually don't even feel the need for female companionship, because I seem to have given up on women completely. But the thing is, I don't know for how long I will be able to sustain myself, before eventually feeling lonely but by then it might be too late due to my age.

    • O. o wow when I this it almost felt as if this was coming out of my mouth personally. Except for the fact that I'm a woman not a man this sounds like something I would post about myself... I can't even tell you how many relationships I have ruined by distancing myself when I started to feel something for the other person.

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    • when ever you feel ready! go for it
      If u need any advice or just someone to talk to, feel free to message me =)
      good luck my friend

    • Thank you once again!
      I'll surely drop you a message sometime soon! :)

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What Girls Said 3

  • How about people who got Social anxiety disorder? it's not fair from rejection who control them, but fair of people thoughts.

    • Fear of what people think about them?
      Why should they be afraid of other peoples thoughts?
      The answer is they are afraid people will judge who they are. But why does it matter if people judge you?
      It matters because if judged negatively you maybe ostracized or rejected.

      Check out Maslo's Hierarchy of needs.

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    • It's not always the fear of others or their thoughts. Some anxiety disorders make people legitimately terrified of public or closed spaces, or being left alone with someone. There's also the fear of negative public scrutiny, public embarrassment, humiliation, and social interactions. As well as the fear of suffering from a panic attack.

      People with serious anxiety disorders have to fight a lot harder with themselves. But I think in the end it comes down to the same thing: no matter what anxiety disorder or phobia you have, the only way to surmount it is by facing your worse fears so that they gradually become less and less of a problem.

      Cognitive Behavior Therapy is based on the belief that our response to things, not the things themselves, cause the problems. So you have to face the things that scare you to eventually change your response to them. Avoiding them only reinforces the fear.

      You can also try relaxation methods to fight stress. Like meditation, nature therapy etc.

    • Yeah all anxiety is based on fear and anticipation
      My advice to everyone who has fears, face them!

  • some people think if you are friendly and smile a lot, this is a green light , and it is evidence you want more. So there has been times i have deliberately used my body language in a negative way, so i am not approached. I was talking to a friends father who was 70, he misread my friendliness for flirting and asked mo on a date. So everytime i saw him after that, i would closed up body language so he wouldn't approach me again. He never did!

  • I really feel like if 2 people really click there should be no method or anything like that. I was dating a guy and everything just went to well so good I never thought about any of this

    • Well, sometimes people have difficulty finding someone to click with, me especially. i just thought i would write something that expresses what i learned through my experiences with dating and how for me it's been a game of trial and error

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    • I have been rejected nicely and cruelly before. The cruel rejections are the reason why I no longer pursue men or ask them out.

    • And that's fine. I understand why you feel that way and i am sorry you didn't get let down so easy. And men will approach you don't worry but it will be up to you to either reject them or not

What Guys Said 12

  • This is probably one of the most importang and basic rules of seduction. Not only in this but in life as well! For instance when you look for a job, prople get rejected a lot before they get a position.

    • Exactly this can apply to any social relationship!

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    • @steelymcbeam

      Don't look at it like its a job search... That is not the correct mindset to have. You also don't need to impress women... You impress them by who you are as a person, smooth, self assured (the most attractive quality in a man polls show), unreactive, not weak.

    • true i know what you mean. However though, i made this point, because it is absurd to assume that by being the best version of yourself, that you are going to be liked by every girl out there... I took this as an example, because it is exactly the same way. Obviouosly off course, the more experience, knowledge, the better your changes of scoring the girl that you want or landing the job that you want as well.

  • very good take. they key is to learn from previous mistakes, not take rejection personally and keep trying, like you said.

  • @piubelloamante

    Sei Italiano?

    Some people just get it, some don't.

  • Like everything in life, practice makes perfect. Sure, some people are naturally gifted, but most of us have to fail several times before finally getting the hang of something.

    Learning from my failures is something I learned a long time ago with video games haha! In my case it's not the fear of rejection anymore but a disinterest towards the whole dating game. If I find someone, good. If not, I don't care. Life is beautiful with or without pussy. :D

    • Haha videogames are completely trial and error based! great analogy, And yeah if you are content single or with a companion that's awesome!

  • Being turned out 10 times more than you have been accepted is very good. Just since 2012 I have tried to talk to and ask about 40 girls and all turned me down except one (she eventually lost interest). I think dating becomes easier one your like 26 and people are looking for serious relationships. Women are more open to date guys they wouldn't have before, like a boring ol' guy like me.

    • I doubt you are boring, and if you are thats easy to change get a few hobbies, learn how to play an instrument become passionate about something!
      but i do agree with your statement about age and how it affects how we view a prospective partner/date/companion.

  • I don't know, this is great for some people, but for people like me...

    I'd lose more than just my nervousness, I'd lose my sincerity, I feel I'd just keep grasping hoping for "SOMETHING" to stick, it might it might not

    In my college career I've only met one girl i really liked and she turned out to be taken, that's ok

    • Yeah man, i feel you, it's easy to meet girls in college but it's hard to from a relationship. Kind of what i am going through right now

    • I understand

  • well i never approached a woman in my 22 years of existence

    • Haha don't worry my friend eventually the women will approach you ;)

      But on a serious note, I would try to open myself up to women, you need some yin to your yang brother!

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    • well that works for you

    • Lelelel MH

  • The handsome waiter? What could be better than being hit on when you're trying to work?

    • It was just an example lol.
      I just was throwing ideas out there, in order to get the idea of risk taking

  • Nice Take, realm enjoyed it.

  • Great little take!

  • It is easy for you to say this since you are a good looking guy.

    • Well thank you, but looks aren't always what is important especially to girls. It takes confidence to approach a woman not looks, sure looks may help but trust me girls who have dated me because i am "hot" didn't date me for too long.

  • Good stuff. Finally somebody on here is telling people to go back to the basics. There are certain situations where shotgunning, jumping into the deep end, throwing shit against the wall hoping something sticks, whatever you want to call it... sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

    Troubleshooting that noise in your car? Terrible situation. Talking to girls? Jump in head first with your shotgun in hand and shoot at the shitty wall hahaha.

    You seriously could have just wrote "Quit being a beta and go talk to her already, you bitch" and it would've been just as good. Mark Twain said "You need two things to succeed in life: ignorance and confidence" and I believe it!

    • Haha i think the Beta Alpha thing is bologna but confidence rings true, Once some one has been threw something enough times they feel comfortable in the situation and don't have to think, It's when action happens that opportunities present themselves.

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    • Yeah GaG should have a barbecue next summer where they feed all the Betas, steak!

    • Mmm, beta steak :D

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