How do you know when your relationship is sufficiently solid for you to propose?

[OlderAndWiser]

Over the past eleven years, I have frequently responded to questions on this subject and have always said that you should not consider marriage until you have had a few conflicts with your partner. Almost every relationship can survive as long as you are having fun times. However, when you have a conflict, your partner may simply assume that the relationship was a mistake and they tell you sayonara. Or, they may become defensive and blame you for everything that is wrong. Maybe they will lose their temper and start throwing things, call you names, etc. Hopefully, they won't a false police report, as one of my exes once did. (It took four months, but the charge was eventually dropped for lack of evidence.)

After many years of reflection, I have decided that a second factor should be added to that list. I have reflected on the fact that some people seem to lose their interest in a relationship after a year or eighteen months. The loss of interest does not seem to be related to anything about their partner.

A new relationship is exciting, sometimes even exhilarating. There is the excitement and challenge of getting to know someone new. The silent question lingers in our minds, "Is this The One?" and even just asking yourself that question is exciting There are new experiences, going places together. "Will she love my favorite restaurant the way that I love it?" And there is the inevitable, "What will my family think of him [or her]?"

After the "honeymoon" phase, you settle down into a normal life with your partner. You don't have glitzy and glamorous dates every weekend, You don't wonder how they will react to something, because you already know. And you generally just know how they fit into your life. The new phase morphs into the routine phase, and you begin living a normal life like other long term couples. You still go on dates, but not as often; however, you do go to the grocery store every weekend. You don't have sex every night. You divide responsibility for household chores.

Some people consider this settled phase "boring" and they feel the need for more excitement in their lives. Some people have a need for excitement while others have a higher need for excitement. If that is how they feel . . . then that is how they feel and you can't really expect them to control how they feel. But their dissatisfaction can lead to conflict within the relationship. And sometimes it leads to infidelity. Many people address conflict by deciding who is right and who is wrong, but that doesn't matter. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong, but that doesn't matter . . . because the bottom line is that the two of you are not a good match as a couple.

So, if you want to know when is the right time to propose, I'd say wait until you've had a few arguments and wait until your life has settled into a routine that feels stable and predictable.

[NathanDavis]

I knew why it wasn't the case...

everything and else and more was there and we had it... except two key points

at the time, we didn't have similar plans towards the future when it came to starting a family if/when... and also, we wanted to live and work at very different places on earth

neither of us believed that the "one had to sacrifice" and endure misery just so the other can be happier... and so, for the next time... I'm reading and willing to move or stay to anywhere on this earth, that won't be no longer an issue for me

so all I would need is to meet someone who sees the same "future" regarding a family an what kind of family or even marriage with no kids... as long as it is together and "forever"

[Cidknee]

🤷‍♂️

[MrChinaski]

A very thoughtful post. I broadly agree with you. Your entire life is a long period to commit.

I proposed after 4 years, we were married 12 months later. By that stage, we were, it felt, already bound to each other for life. It was really just a symbol. But symbols matter. But we were young, settling into adulthood, careers, etc and learning about who we are.

I don't know that long is necessary. I'm not planning on having children again so that's neither an imperative for marriage nor a reason to wait and be sure.

I like your criteria.

[Sunrising]

I don't think there is ever going to be a good time to propose, whether it's weeks or years.

If you like someone, you know if you can live with them fairly quickly.

So from my experience, don't waste time and if marriage is what you want, marry them, rather than being indecisive, and letting the opportunity go by.

[ironsteelbirade]

I've gotta feel that people know they've met the one quite a bit before and it is moreso emotional. With that being said marriages without financial stability and a very strong emotional network are sadly often fucked as someone needs to make the money.

[Jonettacali]

Marriage is good and all.. but just not my cup of tea!

I wanna be in love, you know..!

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you think that marriage and love are incompatible?

[Jonettacali]

I mean when you're married you have to undergo a certain rules right?
Love is different.

[OlderAndWiser]

No, there are no required rules in marriage. There are expectations of what each of you will offer to do in your relationship. When you love someone, you want to give to them, and when they love you, they want to give to you. Viewing that as "rules" just gives you an overly simplistic excuse to reject marriage.

[Jonettacali]

Marriage is slavery. Imprisonment of the heart.

[OlderAndWiser]

Marriage is slavery only if you rebel against the idea of being monogamous. If that is the case with you, then you aren't ready for marriage.

[Jonettacali]

What are your thoughts on love?

[OlderAndWiser]

As James Taylor said, "Love's the finest thing around." I was dating when I was 65 years old, still looking for someone to love, someone to love me. When I met Ms. Helen, I knew within six months that I would eventually marry her, because I loved her and we had all of the ingredients for a successful marriage.

When I was young, I was not ready for marriage, and I had a series of relationships which failed for various reasons. I became dissatisfied with the dating merry-go-round and decided that I wanted something more permanent. I have been in a few relationships which lasted more than two years and I was generally happy with a committed and monogamous relationship. Getting married is simply a declaration to my partner that I am here for the long term, and I am not running away the first time we have a fight.

[Ariesman81]

When I'm satisfied that she takes direction without an emotional blowup.

[strateguy632]

Great conclusion!