I'm not anybody's type. Most people eventually finds someone who's a good match for them; Im 23 & still haven't.. do I need to change myself?

[Anonymous]

I'm 23 years old, I've dated guys in the past, have had relationships but never truly felt that any of them were the right guy for me and none of my relationships have lasted. I am truly starting to feel that I may not be the type of girl that guys want to date.
I know I am an attractive girl, I'm very smart, I have good style and take care of myself, I'm nice but I would call myself a serious person, and maybe a little reserved and guarded. I don't trust people or let them in easily and honestly in today's world I don't think that's necessarily such a bad thing. I always see people find their "right match" and I'm happy for them and sort of amazed at how it worked out for them. Cause for the past 2 years I've been single but wanting to date someone and as I've gotten older, I've learned not to just date anyone because if their not right for me it won't work out. Now I know everyone's going to say wait for it it will find you, and as much as I'd like to believe that, I have been waiting, I have put myself out there and honestly all it's been is mostly uncomfortable and forced situations, sometimes even rejection cause I find a guy I really like but then I'm not his type and it sucks for me cause I feel disappointed and sort of discouraged by the whole idea of dating. I've heard from some people that at first I come off as an unapproachable and kind of "bitchy" person but I mean I guess that's just my face.. It's really not my attitude lol. But I don't want to feel that I have to change myself or my ways or my "face" to get a date... I want to believe that there is someone who will see my not to approachable and maybe even "bitchy" face and be like okay this girls my type, this is what I like, I wanna get to know her and find out that I'm not a bitch after all lol but I'm starting to feel that maybe I do need to change somethings.. whatever it is that has kept me single and in unsuccessful relationships for all of these years.

[cth96190]

"This, above all, to thine own self be true." - Polonius (Hamlet, Act I, Scene iii, line 564).
You cannot change who you are. That would be to wear a mask, to tell a lie about yourself in an attempt to craft a persona that you think might be more acceptable to others. That cannot work. Anyone who dated you would see through the act to the real you and you would also grow to despise yourself.
Be yourself. Someone must be attracted to you for who and what you are.
I understand your pain. I am a tad older than you and I am alone. Whatever it was that women wanted when I was your age, it was not me. I was the opposite of the bad boys that most women your age gag over.
I can tell by your post that you are more intelligent than the average lemming out there. That is a blessing, but at the same time a curse, because communicating with the lemmings can be like working in a facility for the mentally retarded. You would not want a relationship with one of them anyway, I am sure.
I can suggest a few things that may help.
First, read these books:
1. The instant millionaire, by Mark Fisher (it is about how our subconscious level of self esteem causes us to make the choices that we make).
2. How to win friends and influence people, by Dale Carnegie.
3. People smart.
4. Skill with people.
After you read those, find an old-fashioned introduction agency (NOT a dating website). An agency that insists on people coming in for an interview and filling out a long personal profile. This usually weeds out the freaks and the Ted Bundy types.
In your age range, agencies typically have five males to every female on their books. For this reason, many agencies offer free membership to young females. You are their stock in trade and they need stock to sell to lonely men. They would match you with men who, at least on paper, may be compatible.
Worst case, you will meet a lot of men and drink a lot of coffee.

[Asker]

I will definitely look into those books, thank you!

[Anonymous]

What is the longest relationship you've had?

[Asker]

2 years with someone who I had nothing in common with and all we did was argue and disagree on everything and he eventually cheated on me

[Opinion Owner]

Why did it last two years?

[Asker]

Cuz I kept fighting to make it work, I just wanted something, someone & also because I did care for him and loved him. But mainly because before dating him I had dated many guys and like I said all my relationships just felt forced and with him, it didn't, the only problem was that he wasn't smart, he wasn't in school (education is very important to me and my family), his parents were billionaires and he lived off their money, he had many issues!!! half of his face was titanium cause he had his faced punched in with brass knuckles at party when he was 19 years old, he was always on adderall and all of that was a turn off for me because I am determined and driven girl and I felt like what's my future with this person? Are we gonna live off of his parents money forever? it was just wrong & I am glad Im not with him, it's been 2 years, Im over it and beyond it.
At the time I just wanted to hold on to him because I saw these days coming my way, I knew I'd be alone for a while...

[Opinion Owner]

Fear. There lies your problem. You answered your own question.

[Asker]

I do have fear, that is something that I cannot deny, but I believe I carry myself well. I believe that I come of ass guarded but I'm not insecure. I have security with myself and I know my worth. And that's what I was saying, I am who I am and I sometimes wish life was like a movie where someone would take a chance on me and come after me, because as a woman, feeling truly desired and sought after is the most amazing thing ever lol... and specially after what I've been through and chasing after the wrong people for so long the last thing I wanna do is chase after a guy again; it's too risky and I can't put myself in that situation, and I just feel it's about time for me to feel what it's to like to be chased. I see it happen to other girl all the time and hear the stories and just wonder... "will it ever be my turn?"

[Opinion Owner]

What you see is not what we see. We see fear. You see self-respect. We see insecurity. You see being cautious. Remember that no one knows what you've been through but you in the dating world and we're all strangers. Let it go. Nothing to fear. Mistakes happen.

[Asker]

Is fear something that can be sensed if I'm sitting in class drinking coffee? lol because I see other girls get approached but not me... and at that moment I'm not thinking in my head "oh they must be sensing my fear" I'm thinking "well I guess I'm not good enough for these guys" or "I'm not their type" and it hurts my self-esteem a bit and DEFINITELY stops me from approaching any of them...

[Opinion Owner]

You carry fear like a shawl. It is always there. It's exactly how I knew what to ask what I asked. It is in the way you talk, the way you walk, and the very way you breathe. The very core of your thoughts is fear based, "I'm not good enough", "Not their type", etc. These are all ways to displace the emotional pain that comes with the feelings of loneliness that comes with the Aspect of Fear.

[Asker]

Well yeah I have fear because my whole life I've been in dating situations that consisted of discomfort, pain, awkward and forced sex, chasing after guys, paying for guys, driving them around, basically being the fucking man in the relationship, being their fucking therapist 24/7, forcing myself to like their families, I'm overwhelmed. I just want to feel free. I want to meet someone and know the true meaning of being "swept off my feet" but I mean that's not that just happens overnight. I have to build something with someone first, I need to take that initial step, but... I am a woman, a woman who has spent wayyy to much ALWAYS taking that first step and the second and the third and so on... I can't even get a guy to ask me for my number, it's literally like I'm wearing that Harry Potter cape that makes them go invisible lol (I don't know if you've seen the movies, but you know what I'm saying)

[Opinion Owner]

I do. And you are wearing that cape. The good news is that you have the choice to take it off.

I understand that you want a good partner but a good partner is someone who will be there with you not someone who will save you from yourself. The only change you ever need to make is to be fearless; taking care of yourself outwardly is fine but you are ill internally and continue to maintain that illness. It's not always something that can be done without help or through sheer willpower but it is something that must be done if you are to receive your happily ever after.

Just consider these words. You'll act in your favor. I've faith in that.

[Asker]

Okay I want to agree with everything you say. And I have a question. I don't want to come off as cocky or anything but I truly believe that I am an attractive girl, I would definitely say above average and you may not believe that since I am on here discussing my pathetic dating life on Thanksgiving day but my looks along with my personality and brains of course are my biggest assets and although I believe that yes my character screams "fear!" I don't think guys my age are smart enough or even care enough to read that deeply into it. Guys my age just want someone hot, and trust me I don't just want to be someone's hot girl whatsoever, but a small part of me is CRAVING that attention that I have not gotten in over 2 years; I want to feel desired but I don't and yes I see guys look ALL THE TIME but NOBODY approaches me so I think well they're looking so they like what they see but why can't they just talk to me?

[Opinion Owner]

You underestimate people. Fear is something humans learn to recognize as children, it is one of the few things that we can universally recognize along with happiness, surprise, sadness, disgust, and anger (www.nbb.cornell.edu/.../emotions.html) so it's not as simple as "guys just want tits". Being beautiful has many perks, it does, but the longer you live in a certain emotion the greater the grip of that emotion and the more of it you unconsciously exude. It has nothing to do with how wonderful a person you are outwardly at all; humans can see fear and fear is not something humans actually hide well either.

[Asker]

I'm not going to lie though, I do get approached by guys over the age of 45 often, sometimes even as old as 60, and I'm not into that at all, I'm not looking for a sugar daddy or have daddy issues to be with a guy twice my age. But I have found it interesting that guys that are 20-35 years older than me do come up to me and guys my age don't at all. It's very odd.

[Opinion Owner]

There are two outlooks on that, one positive and the other negative.

The positive is that you are mature for your age, commanding attention with your professionalism (perceived) and your grace (actual) giving you an heir of seriousness that sets up for the long-term. Young males probably would want nothing to do with this.

The negative is that your fear is their weapon and they are predatory looking for a very beautiful young woman to control and use as they see fit. "You know no better" mentality. It's not actually wonderful to think that way but it is possible.

[Asker]

I think the positive side of the story describes me a little better because although you are convinced I am this fearful and closed off girl, I am actually pretty smart and I don't mess around, I'm not an air head and I've lived a very wholesome life and what you said about how young males want nothing to do with that is something that I already knew and had noticed but just didn't have an answer for. For example, the 50 year old guy from the Mercedes dealership won't stop calling me to take me out but the 27 year old adorable teacher's assistant doesn't even know me... It's things like that that kind of upset me like really a 50 year old guy? That's all I can get?

[Opinion Owner]

I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. You can be both a fearful woman and smart and shrewd. Most people who know Fear well are actually very intelligent, very capable, and very aggressive because what better way to survive than to avoid that which terrifies you? But you talk still in fearful terms, trying to avoid a judgment that isn't even there, justifying yourself to no one.

Attraction is a complex thing. You think lowly of the males your age stating they only want tits but you have the serious demeanor of the males you attract who want "so much more", but how does this work? How do you merge these two mindscapes to create one that you want? An interesting dilemma.

[Asker]

I don't think guys my age just want tits, I think most of them do, and the ones that don't just want tits want a meaningful relationship, but it's never with me... Like I said I find it very strange that I only attract guys that are way older than me, like more than half of them are balding or already bald lol

[Opinion Owner]

I actually find it normal if not predictable you are. So you think that "most", do, alright, so what percentage of men do you think you'd be interested in that happen to be your age that would want just sex? Are you actually attracted to people your age who want something serious, is my question. Even though this is bleeding over into the third issue covered.

[Asker]

I definitely want someone under 30-32 and someone older than me so 25ish... I'm 23. I don't really want anything specific. Just as long as we get each other. I definitely want someone I am physically attracted to, cause I've been with guys who I was NOT physically attracted and it was awful!!! I want someone who knows how to be a man, and won't allow my dominating behavior overshadow his, cause I can be controlling but I want someone who has the ability to overpower me (in a none abusive kind of way of course), I basically want to be a "power couple" lol I don't want to be a wimp anymore, I don't wanna be that girl that gets asked "wtf are you doing dating this guy?" ALLL of the time, because that was my life in the past... and it really made me question my own decisions cause everyone was right.

[Asker]

be WITH a wimp anymore*****

[Opinion Owner]

Hm. Interesting. I can see why you would want this and do believe it is possible, but I need to go but that is the fullest extent of my ability. Others will be wiser from here on. I have done all I can.

[abundantlyrich]

You're not letting things flow as you start to nitpick what you DON'T like.

[Asker]

Yes, that is something I've learned over the years to really get to know someone and kind of observe everything before I jump in without knowing and letting things flow like you said. Because I have been in situations before where I let things flow and then 3 months later thought "HOLY FUCKING SHIT what did I get myself into" and since this has happened to me multiple times, it's just something that I can't risk happening again.

[abundantlyrich]

No i mean you should predominantly focus on what you want, rather than what u don't like. And let it flow... And some where along the way, you will have to reject some guys, that you don't gel with. But don't spend too much time and energy on it.

[Asker]

Well, once I start getting dates that's something that I will try and follow but honestly my biggest problem is getting that initial attraction of men that I can't seem to get. Maybe my signals are off, but I literally haven't gotten asked out in over 2 years.

[abundantlyrich]

First time of meeting shouldn't be a date... :)

[Asker]

Wellll I meet plenty of guys all day long, all types of them, but none of them seem to want me. For two years.. I haven't even been asked to give out my number...

[abundantlyrich]

In your job?

[Asker]

school/job/out and about/anywhere and everywhere. I'm not really a bar or club type girl so not there and I wouldn't even want a guy who's into that scene anyways, but yea basically all of the place. I just don't get male attention lol

[abundantlyrich]

Mmaybe you're abit stand offish.

[singlebee]

Hey dont worry... just be yourself and stop looking... even i am single at 23... even i feel what you are feeling right now :D... guys will come and go in your life but there will be one who will like you and stay with you... just be patient... and dont change yourself for anyone... they should accept you for who you are...

my best friend has a girl friend and they have been together for 2 + years and still going strong... i feel happy for him but also sad for myself... i feel like there is no one for me... but i guess i just have to focus on myself right now and someone will come along... :D

[The_other_one]

For me its the same, I see guys my age getting girlfriends just like "that" and here i stand, not wanting to put myself out there anymore in the fear of getting hurt "again".

Guess i'll buy myself a dog to love.

[kheserthorpe]

If your demeanour and how you seem doesn't match who you are inside it will be hard to attract people who would be a good match with the real you.

[Asker]

I definitely think that my exterior is way tougher than my interior. I think that all of my past experiences dictate how I am on the outside and completely differently than how I am on the inside. On the outside I am tough and on the inside I am vulnerable. But honestly, I'd rather come off as tough and guarded on the outside than as weak and vulnerable.

[kheserthorpe]

I don't think you need to change yourself. I think you need to be more yourself.

It's natural to build a hard shell. But it's a bad idea. You are afraid of being hurt. That's normal. But instead of focusing on the shell, focus on being stronger on the inside. Trust that you can feel joy and sorrow and cope. And the more you do the better you will be at coping.

Being brave with your emotions is not being weak. It's true strength.

[Bipolarjew02015]

Well be grateful you've been in a relationship I'm 23 years old and always been single that's pathetic it upsets me when people whine and complain about their relationships and I can't get in one it is frustrating