Ex keeps coming back and leaving?

[Anonymous]

We had 4 years together, known each other for 10 and broke up this past summer.
We promised each other to be friends but whenever he finds someone else or a new group of friends (he never stays with one group for long) he starts putting me on backburner, saying he loves me but will go through phases where he'll not pick up my call or couple texts I send. I also do a lot of him (he asks for my help) and usually recieve no thank you or a very late text, like the next day. Then he'll usually call a week later like nothing happened.
But if I don't respond right away or if I hang out with another guy, his world ends.

Because of this I told him I can't sleep with him anymore because it causes me grief. I don't want to tie him down and him be unhappy, but I still have deep love for him and the way he treats me, really throws my day out of whack.
Everytime I say I won't sleep with him anymore cos of this he goes into wooing me, just saying sweet things to me and hugging me close. I suspect he's just trying to use me as a security blanket until he finds something or someone better. He constantly talks about other girls with his friends from an outing that I wasn't a part of and girls always text him (of course he's contributing) and when those girls are around they're very mean to me. Just last week he said I can't come out with him anymore because none of them like me. Some even refused to get in the car to hang out cos I was there.

What realy distresses me also is that his parents call me looking for him and this is usually when he's ignoring me. The horrible thing too is that I'm also dating someone else who treats me so much better. We're not actual boyfriend/girlfriend, but he's deployed so I guess I'm just lonely.
I don't know what I got myself into.

[Anonymous]

One thing for sure is that he doesn't treat you right as a friend. I understand that you can't remove your feelings for him but he is your ex and he seems like a.. jerk, sorry. I think you should stick to someone who will treat you better. It's like he keeps pulling you back and forth. If I were you I would move on for my own good by using the no contact rule, basically cut him off.. It's hard but it works. I have been in touch with my ex and it lead to things like this but at the end of the day it's up to you. Honestly what do you want to do?

[Asker]

I know I should go into no contact, but its so difficult.
We have a weird bond where we can't seem to not have each other in our lives, but I think it has to be broken if that means I'm mentally torn.

Sucks right? To feel second pick or like you're fighting for someones affection and love.
I don't think he's right for my wellbeing either. When we're together it's fine, but when we're not I feel like I don't even exist.

[Opinion Owner]

I know it's difficult. Maybe your feelings will fade a little over time and eventually you will be able to go into no contact. It does sucks but try to look at this way, if your best friend was in a situation like this, what advice would you give her? You could always talk to him and tell him how this feels for you since you still have a bond with him. Maybe that would help to get everything off your chest.

[Asker]

I suppose I could.
On Thursday he called me saying he misses me and loves me and wants to go out to dinner if not this weekend (cos he might be busy) early this coming week.

What confused me is the next day, yesterday he didn't pick up my two calls and answer my text.

He'll prolly call back next week like nothing happened asking when I'm free.

I already told him I feel used and he can't just see me during the week or when it's convenient for him, I want prime time you know, weekends. He understands this and gave that to me last weekend, but since there was drama last time I suspect he's keeping me out of his group of friends which seem to be more important than me, who he calls one of his best friends.

Since you're in contact with your ex a little, n we seem to be in similar situations, how do you deal with it ? :(

[Opinion Owner]

It's disrespectful of him to not answer at all. Question is are you acceptable with this behaviour? Seems like he uses this pattern where he promise you things, cancels then comes back over again. Some relationships are more difficult than others but I once heard that if the other person loves you s/he WILL show you that. Set some boundaries, I just don't think he should be ignoring you like that.
It's like an evil circle right? You're not sure what there is but you can't let go because there seems to be hope. I stopped talking to my ex but I kept in mind that he was just a phone call away if I ever felt the urge to talk to him again. I kept focusing on poorly he treated me and that was not something I wanted right now, I wanted a relationship with no doubts like these so with time I started to move on. I still miss him and I wonder if I did the right thing by letting go but I did not feel happy about going back and forth.

[Asker]

Point taken... it is miserable having him come back and forth.

Sorry for the delay, I wanted to see if he did anything so I could update you.
He did end up calling Sunday afternoon, his excuse being he was camping.
I told him in a calm manner how I felt a little left out, not because I wasn't there, but because he ignored my calls and texts. I also voiced that he wasn't even treating me like a friend.
He quickly fired back at me "I ignored everyone! I needed me time!"
I again calmly told him I had texted him Friday morning and he could have at least responded and told me not where he was going, but he needed time with the boys (if that's even really what he was doing).
His next defense was that I could do it back to him. I asked him if he'd get angry and hurt and he said yes, but it wouldn't be his place to be (rolls eyes) I always hated his double standards.

[Asker]

This all was yesterday.
I don't know if I'm expecting too much as an ex? But I feel much more than that as we known each other 10 and dated for 4.

But the way he expects things to pick up whee it left off physically after being distant for a week or couple weeks at a time. I mean sometimes he'll see me repeatedly for a week or so but then he'll disappear when I suspect he spotted someone better or has a new group of friends.

In short I almost feel used. No matter how much he claims to love me I think I have to let go.
Even though I'm told I can do a lot better attitude and in the looks area, he has taught me a lot of life lessons, I love how deep and poetic he can be, and how he can make me laugh. But the pain he causes me is making me insane. He's the type of guy (it's happened) where he runs across money and sort of ditches me. He's almost 25 and is starting to date 18 year olds. I'm 23 and I think I get the pic I'm at his disposal to younger women and money.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm just as confused as you are but I really understand that it's hard for you to let go.
A relationship will never work if the other person constantly disappear of all sudden. If he says that he loves you then it's more than just friendship, in my opinion. He may say this and that but his actions will tell you the truth. I just think that he should've cared more when you told him how you felt, like he should have made it up to you or take note and start acting ''mature''. If you told him straight to be with you but he can't keep doing ''this'' since he loves you and if not then he has to leave, what do you think his answer would be? Or you could distance yourself from him and see how much he actually cares, this might help in order to fully understand him and move on..

[Asker]

I will do that if there is a next time I talk to him.
I think his answer judging from the past would be "I'm not your boyfriend". Or he's also said to me " I never really make plans ahead with friends, even girls. We hang out, we have fun, they leave, then I see them when I see them. No strings attached (communication too)

I think I might be dealing with a narcissist or sociopath. He's also a drug user, it's obvious even though he says he doesn't. He has an adderal proscription which he abuses.

I'm growing weary of this treatment. I don't appreciate when people especially men in involved with come and go as they please but be offended when you do the same. I wish this pain on no one. It's really disrupting my life. I developed a panic disorder from it and have to start taking anti depressants.

The sad thing is that so many guys treat me great, really good looking guys, funny men, but I still keep going back to be hurt all over again

[Asker]

When I talked to him that Sunday he said he'd never ignore me and here I am Wesnesday, still no returned phone call since Monday and no date he promised last week. I think I'm done, if I can pull myself together

[Opinion Owner]

That doesn't sound fun at all. Too bad he doesn't realise what he's doing to you. The fact that this has given you a panic disorder proves that it's time to walk away, he is not the cure. Once you stop caring about him you will feel a lot better and he won't be making you feel that way. He doesn't seem to be treating anyone right, he is not a good person and you will be so much better without him, let him have his drugs if that's what's so important for him. You're obviously stuck and the only person that can get you out of this is you. He blew you off again.. that's so disrespectful.
''The sad thing is that so many guys treat me great, really good looking guys, funny men, but I still keep going back to be hurt all over again'' That's how you feel right now because you're not over him and probably hoping that things will work out? Stay single and work on yourself until you're ready to accept love from someone else, when he is out of your head.

[Opinion Owner]

You think he might be a sociopath or a narcissist and truth is that those ''type'' of people will treat anyone the same way. There is nothing wrong with you, he will treat any girl the same so do yourself a big favor and cut this guy off. I think using the no contact rule is the only way in this case or he will keep making promises only to break them and keep you hanging on. Learn from this instead as this will much likely make you stronger and wiser.

[legalboxers]

ignore the parents and him. your with someone who makes you happy.

[Asker]

I know. Thb it's a really physical relationship, the new one.
Even though he's really a looker and charmer, I don't have that deep emotional bond as I do with my ex. I'm not sure if it'll ever come.

If only I could find someone who was both of them in one. They both have attributes the other one lacks, you know?

[legalboxers]

been there, done that, still there