My bf refused to walk me to my car at night... What's a good response to this?

[Anonymous]

My bf of several months refused to walk me to my car, about a block from his place, at night (around 1:30am) and he lives downtown. He always walks me to the front entrance, but I usually can get a parking spot right out front.
I asked him if he would walk me to my car, but he looked down at his slip-ons as an excuse. This didn't make sense to me, because he had already walked through the halls and was outside! I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, so I just kissed him goodbye and crossed my fingers that I wouldn't get mugged as I walked to my car, by myself.
A couple months later, I broke up with him, mostly because his selfish and immature ways added up, and we parted amicably. I am just thinking back on our relationship and perhaps regretting some of my passive behaviour. Is it too dramatic if I told him the next day something like, I thought it was really inconsiderate that you didn't walk me to my car last night and didn't even bother to check up on me later to see if I got home...Or what about telling him in the moment something like that...

[Vinnithexplorer]

Hi Anonymous

Reading your post I get two things:

1) You and he didn't communicate;
2) The differences in your attitudes and beliefs led you to view him as immature and resulted in you and him parting ways.

While not communicating to him your feelings and views about certain aspects of his behaviour as it related to your relationship was a contributing factor; my sense is you and he are at different places from a personal development point of view and what you want from a relationship. I don't think this is exclusively a communication issue.

When I consider someone's actions in any context I always ask myself,"What is reasonable in this situation"? I don't think expecting him to walk you to your car at 1:30 a. m. is unreasonable. In fact it demonstrates that he is concerned about your safety and well being and is very chivalrous, which I'm almost certain you would have found heart warming.

It is human nature to question decisions and perhaps you are feeling loss and lonely right now are a result of this breakup. A difference in maturity is not something that can be resolved with a conversation: it is a difference in outlook and beliefs which to a large degree are based on attitude, outlook and life experience.

Good for you for looking back and critically looking at how you handled yourself! IMHO, I believe you made the right decision.

[Anonymous]

Women are strong and independent and we should take a stand against gender roles. This is what men are being taught. Most of us don't see a reason to walk you to your car, unless we are strong believers in gender roles. He just didn't see yo as actually being in any real danger that you couldn't handle. Nor did he see it as his job as a man to protect you.

Gender roles were a double edged sword. It had many advantages and disadvantages. Getting rid of gender roles means you lose the protection of men because we are no longer obligated by our gender role to do so.

If you want a guy that sees it as his job to protect you then chances are he will also see it is a woman's job to do other things. These guys do still exist and they are called traditional. If that appeals to you then you and this guy were simply not compatible. It isn't unreasonable that being disappointed in not being compatible would bother you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your input, but I am not sure if it applies here. Honestly, I think he was just being lazy. On our first date, I didn't even ask him to walk me to my car after lunch in a restaurant, and he walked me to it about 1 block away. If he thought I would be fine walking home that night, he could have just said, You'll be fine, or at least walk my half way and see that I got in my car, considering I asked him to walk me to my car. If I didn't ask him, and he didn't volunteer, then perhaps your comment would apply here. The fact that he looked down at his shoes as an excuse, I think was just very pathetic -- I think he just didn't want to dirty them more.

[mutedaisy]

It's not really about gender roles when making sure if someone is safe, it's about being a decent human being. There is also safety in numbers. Oh, and giving a damn about the person you are dating... Lets not forget that important part.

[Opinion Owner]

He might have been acting lazy by not walking you back, but why should he walk you back if he doesn't see it as his job? It isn't his job to protect you anymore than it is your job to protect him. It isn't about safety in numbers as the other girl suggests, because when he walks back he is alone and in potential danger while you would be safe in your car.

You only think that way because you feel like men should protect a women. It is fine for women to want to feel safe with their man. However this is not the way most men are being raised. The men that are being raised to feel protective of women are generally men that are brought up to believe in gender roles. So it becomes an issue of compatibility. Very few men I know would bother walking a woman back to her car because he doesn't see it as his job. I don't care if you embrace gender roles or not, but if you want that, then you will need to look for a man wanting a more traditional relationship.

[Asker]

Thanks for your points. It's a perspective I didn't see before.
I should add he is 6'6... so if you were a punk, with whom would you be more likely to mug or sexually assault at night... A 6'6 man or a shorter, smaller build woman?
I wouldn't expect him to walk me to my car all the time, but at night in the downtown area after I asked him... I think it would reasonable for him to oblige in that case. And yes, I don't think he follows gender roles. Knowing his past, I don't think he had any example of a male-female couple. I think he just follows what suits himself. It's-all-about-me role.

[Opinion Owner]

Unfortunately the "It's-all-about-me role" is what society is really pushing. That is the whole point of becoming "independent". Being independent is all about looking out for yourself, and expecting your partner to do the same. There isn't really a sense of teamwork being taught.

You don't need an extremely traditional guy, but a guy that is at least more traditional sounds like a better fit. The problem is the more traditional you want him to be, the more traditional you will need to be. I know plenty of traditional guys that don't mind their wife having a job and are protective of their women, but the more traditional they get the more traditional their wives need to be. Like I said it is just a matter of compatibility. It isn't always easy to find the right fit.

[Asker]

Yes, I agree, I would mesh better with a more traditional guy.
... So what would be a good response if this happens to me again? Walking away without a kiss goodbye, I am assuming is too dramatic and passive aggressive. Giving him a kiss and acting like it didn't bother me is too passive, cause it did bother me... Ugh.
Also, I am curious where you fall on the traditional - non-traditional spectrum?

[Opinion Owner]

If you don't think you are compatible then treat it as you would any other incompatibility. Try to part on good terms if possible, but don't waste your time on a relationship with someone you aren't compatible with.

I am more in the middle with gender roles. I don't want the pressure of being sole provider, and I don't mind pitching in with housework. Overall I do think men and women are different and have different emotional needs that need to be filled. One is that women want to feel safe with their men.

If however that is my job, then the woman needs to surrender some power to let me do the job of protector. I believe power and responsibility should be equal. The more responsibility one has, the more power one needs to do their job. It is nothing unreasonable, but she doesn't get to drag me down dark alleys hoping I will protect her on her terms. I need the power to make the decision to avoid the danger in the first place by telling her it is time to go when I sense danger.

[been_waiting]

Its not about gender roles, it's about the fact that people shouldn't walk alone at night, male or female. Especially women considering that they're generally physically weaker, and considering that men are generally physically stronger it makes sense that a man would walk with a woman at night to make sure she's safe.

[Opinion Owner]

That is exactly what a gender role is. It is a job given to someone based on their gender do to the perception they are better suited for that role.

[Realfire22]

@Anonymous dude

Who the heck raised u? You're no more a gentleman than my spit is. I don't see how u could possibly think this way. I know this is an old post, but I just had to comment. Your way of thinking was just too off the wall.

[Opinion Owner]

I was raised in a feminist culture, that openly called men sexist for thinking it was his job to protect women. I never said that I would or wouldn't walk my girl to her car. You are just butt hurt because, sometimes feminism works against what women want. You can either be strong and independent and walk yourself to your car, or you can admit you like gender roles and find a traditional man. Asking for both is hypocritical.

[Asker]

@Realfire22 I agree, this answer always bothered me. If I was visiting a female friend at night, who lived downtown, I would ask her to walk me to my car. And then once at my car, I would drive her back to her entrance, if she would have liked. I would have done the same with that guy. It's not about gender roles, it's about respect for your friend or partner, or whoever you might have been spending time with that night.

[Opinion Owner]

This is 100% about expecting a man to fulfill his gender role as a protector, and not about a way men and women are suppose to show respect to one another. You even talked about his height, and the possibility of being mugged. He is a man, and you expected him to protect you based solely on his biology. That is expecting a man to fulfill his gender role. Stop trying to back peddle and pretend you meant something else. That has nothing to do with respect

You even claim that you agree with a post that said "You're no more a gentleman than my spit is" A man fulfilling his gender role is what a gentleman is. Don't complain you don't deserve a gentleman if you don't agree that you should have to act like a lady and follow your gender role.

[Asker]

I asked this question, last year or at least many months ago. I was still in the mentality that made me miserable in that relationship (with the guy in question)... Having an opinion, and then doubting myself when he would disagree with me, so conforming my opinion to his... I can see clearly now that this is what happened to me here, and hence the backpedaling of my opinion.
When I said I agree, I was referring to the gist of her post, where she disagrees with your opinion, i. e., "I don't see how you could possibly think this way"?

[CoverGuy]

Woman up and walk by yourself. This is Gen Y, not Gen X.

[Despondency]

Refuse to walk him down the isle.

[ArabianPwincess197]

Ok maybe he was scared

[Ihav2fart]

He clearly doesn't care about about you that much.