Was this text message too harsh to send, to a girl who isn't texting or replying to me contacting her?

[Prof_Don]

I was going through my phone yesterday, and noticed some girls whose numbers I got a few weeks ago, haven't messaged me back in more than three days since I last contacted them.

So I sent the following 'fire alarm' phone message (aka, a message with a vibe of signaling finality) to each of these girls, and I quote exactly what the text was in the message I copied and pasted to each girl [on a separate text thread for each number, of course]:

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"I don't want to waste time on a dead dating prospect. You're not texting or calling me back at all! What's your deal?"

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One of the girls messaged me back, saying that my above message was "rude and disrespectful". I personally don't think I was in the wrong at all (she finally responded, right? lol),

but do YOU think my quoted text message above was rude or disrespectful?

Please vote on the poll and answer in as much detail as you wish, using yourself or others as examples. #PleaseAndThankYou

yes, your text was rude and disrespectful

your text was rude, but not disrespectful

your text was disrespectful, not rude

seriously... there was nothing rude nor disrespectful about your text

[Anonymous]

I don't think it was super bad, a bit harsh though. But I totally get what you are trying to do. You basically want to weed people out to see if there is any reason you need to keep trying with them.

I think what you were trying to accomplish with the message is totally reasonable. All too often in dating people waste other people's time. Giving them false hope or leading people on to think something more is going to happen.

I think next time, I would just send something a little less harsh. Explain that you have noticed the communication has been dying down between you too, and you just want to confirm whether they are still interested or not. And that it is okay if they aren't interested. Hopefully they will be honest.

I totally get the frustration, because this seems to happen to me all too often. I Start talking to a guy, we have a great conversation. Then he loses interest. Not sure what I did, but they lose interest :(

I think the way you laid out your message definitely comes across as a bit angry and needy. Asking "You're not texting or calling me back at all! What's your deal?", sounds really needy. It's possible that all the girls you have been talking to have been busy. Perhaps with work or other obligations.

[Prof_Don]

I sent that message about 24 hours ago, we'll see what happens.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you!

[DivaMonae]

I'm more interested in what you said to her afterwards... Or how did your conversation continue. Personally I would've said well I got you to respond didn't I? Do you know what's also rude not giving people responses. We were having a conversation and that's ride of you to just leave me hanging. At least I had the curtesy to say what's on my mind, finish/end our discussion, and do what you couldn't. So like I asked what is your deal? If you can't tell me that then don't respond at all.

And I wouldn't necessarily say your text was rude or disrespectful however it was blunt... It depends on how you interpret it. But at least you got to he point. You don't want her to waist your time why should you waist hers? I really do hope you didn't let her have the last word calling you/what you said rude and disrespectful when she's being rude and disrespectful towards you. It took a message like that to get her to respond 😒

[samhradh_leannan]

It was somewhat rude and disrespectful (I mean, it certainly wasn't the epitome of politeness), but more importantly, it only made YOU look bad. Did you really think a text like that was going to get you anywhere? If someone isn't texting you back, it's because either they don't want to, or they were busy. In the case that they didn't want to text you back, probably all you did was make them feel like they were right for not wanting to talk to you. And if they were simply busy, then this was a dramatic overreaction that makes you seem way too invested in a relationship that apparently consists of nothing more than texting. Either way, you lose. Next time, if someone isn't responding, either just let it go, or give it a few days and try texting them again.

[Prof_Don]

I will admit I got tired of pretending like I wasn't annoyed by the lack of replies. Sending playful fun messages to provoke texting back felt so fucking phony after the second-third message.

[samhradh_leannan]

I get it. But you have to think about how it's going to sound to the person, and how it's going to look to them. Whatever her reason for not responding, why would a text like that trigger any positive results? You're either going to come off as rude and annoy them, or you're going to look clingy and over-attached. You don't actually know these girls well, right? You're just texting them? I think you stepped outside the boundary of what an interaction like that is supposed to be like. Once you're actually dating, you can show that you're invested, but this was a little too soon.

[vmw2008]

Somebody has been following too much PUA advice. That text reeked of it. It does ome across as rude and disrespectful, because it's treating dating like a business transaction, and that she then owes you an explanation for why she hasn't followed up.

1) You don't even know the girl 2) You already know what the deal is - she didn't answer. 3) You sent the same message to several women. Meaning, none of them in particular were very special to you, you were just playing a numbers game (which is the PUA tactic). So you're bothered she hasn't explained yourself to you, meanwhile you're using the same line on lots of different women just trying to get a bite.

Do you see the hypocrisy here?

[jwhit]

I honestly think a typical PUA wouldn't had even sent that text because they'd have so many other girls in line that they wouldn't care. That's a huge reach to assume he thinks they "owe" him a response from just ONE text, we don't know what else was said besides she didn't take kindly to what he said. You also don't know him, but you think he's views all of this as a GAME. Like me personally I like talking to women one at a time, talking to multiple women just seems tiring. But you can still be a player going about it the way I do. You could still just let's say talk to only a girl a month and drop her before the next one starts. He could still very well be a good guy with good intentions, but just likes to have options. He could get talk to three girls, let's say one becomes interested, another wants to just be friends, and the other doesn't reply. Now he can be totally exclusive to that one girl and let's say it doesn't work out.

[jwhit]

But suddenly they one who only wanted to befriend him catches feelings from him even though they were strictly platonic and they end up dating. That only happened because he initially had options.

[Prof_Don]

I come off as a pick up artist? Damn that's not the vibe i'm trying to give.

You did make some assumptions here that are incorrect, which is no surprise because I seem to be chronically misunderstood by people in the real world as well as on GaG. So I'll shed light on some details:

[Prof_Don]

*Most of these gals I ran into somewhere in the public, talked for a moment, thought tehre was some interest, asked for her number, and got it with the intention to get to know her more since I may NEVER see her again in life. Maybe one or two I have ran into several times around the town and built up some rapport first. So the idea of a girl "not being special to me" when I met her once for less than 5 minutes is justifiable, and not something to be made to be dehumanizing or negative. Wouldn't u call me a psycho if I was emotionally invested in a girl over 3mins of convo? Hopefully that made sense

*I always send fun, lighthearted, engaging, personalized texts with their name in it. No "copy and paste to all the gals" type of stuff like you may have initially thought. I only did that for my finality message

*"Fading away" is not closure, and I want to seek closure, so I directly sought it. I saw no cons in possibly making a girl mad that wasn't interested anymore anyways.

[vmw2008]

Maybe I jumped to too many conclusions, but I think I was misunderstood a bit too. I don't think there's anything wrong with talking to multiple girls, or even that you're not that invested in them yet. My issue came with sending the exact same message to several girls, who you are not that invested in, basically asking them what their deal is and why they're not more invested.

Do you see what I'm saying? You're within your right to talk to loads of girls, but when you get to the point where you're sending the same "What's your deal" text to several, it's like the pot calling the kettle black. They're not that invested and neither are you, or it would've been one personalized text to one girl.

[Prof_Don]

Hmm I can see how doing a copy-and-paste final message is a douchey PUA looking move. I will admit I sent that message impulsively and wanted it sent ASAP so personalizing it didn't cross my mind.

[GoodManDave]

It comes across as frustrated. In other words, it feels like you're showing your cards to early... which you may not be... but there's an old school of thought:
"Don't let them see you sweat."

I have girls ignore me... there's the idea you call them on it, let them know you're not cool with it, and sometimes, there's something to it. But there's the other side which says "Don't give them too much power over you."

I had a friend who randomly mentioned how nasty some of the girls were that we hung out with. It's true. But... they do it to all the nerdy guys... we just try to move on with our lives and ignore it.

I don't play games... I would expect a grown woman to not want anything to do with playing those head games either. They do that, then... they're not your type. You found out early, count your blessings.

Girls don't text unless they're interested. Once in a while (not often), there's a good reason for it. They're not interested. They've become the "annoying kid" to you. You act playful, keep it light (unless they're WAY out of line); and you play for a little, but when you want to go big boy stuff, you're not around because you're dealing with other adults.

[Prof_Don]

This is an interesting method that I never thought about

[M_A_X]

Yeah, I don't agree with there being anything wrong with being frustrated about it. If you were talking to someone IN PERSON, and they didn't respond to you for 3 days, how the fuck are you supposed to react? I hate how people treat communication differently because it's online. There's still a thing called freaking manners.

You couldn't just not answer someone on the telephone for 3 days. You couldn't do that in person, so why do people feel like it's socially acceptable online?

[GoodManDave]

@M_A_X

Thanks for the reply. No, there's nothing wrong with wanting courtesy, or being frustrated. But one school of thought is do you let them know it?

Like I'm in a ticked off mood right now about many things. Relationships (friendships), dating, work, lack of income for the workload, stress... I'm in a very ticked off, snappish mood in real life. Being ticked is ok. Me going into a rant to casual friends about the lack of respect and the BS about not being hired by people but them always trying to bleed me dry (or me telling people off in public) is not going to go well for me. It's how we handle it. Maybe their friends are hot. ;) So to burn that bridge over a few times of interaction and passive aggressive BS, just isn't worth it in my opinion. Sometimes yes. But in many cases, it can blow up on ya. Just my opinion.

[M_A_X]

In this case, I don't think he did anything wrong.

Yelling at people about things that aren't their fault, like you not getting a job, is a dick move. Yelling at people for something that they are consciously choosing to do because they think they can get away with it? I don't see that as wrong

[Hungry_Shark]

Wow dude...
U failed to exercise emotional self control... This totally fucks the woman's ability to feel safe and comfortable with you
She didn't text u back and u couldn't take it and got angry... Thats weakness on ur part...
She will never date you.

[Prof_Don]

Yeah I'll admit that I was irritated and sent that message impulsively

[nymous1234]

No woman is playing hard to get by not texting back in a few days, maybe a few hours., but a few days is no interest. It feels like you vented out your frustration on women not responding to these few women with a passive aggressive text and you are disguising it as being liberating and bold and also feeling secretly happy that none of them are special because u sent them all the same thing. LOL my over analysis is real! But all in all the text was not rude and disrespectful at least not to me :)

[AIAthefirst]

there's really nothing wrong with it in my opinion, and she only replied to you after you put your foot down and made it clear you wanted nothing to do with her anymore. ah some women, this is why men nowadays believe women only respond to "playing hard to get" or "rude guys".
she was ignoring your constant texts, probably bragging to her friends "ooh this guy wants me" and making you come off as desperate, if she was serious, she would have texted back.
you did nothing wrong and women need to understand that we can no longer be passive in dating, chivalry is dead and we (or I should say feminists of our time) killed it. move on don't dwell on it.

[kaylaS91]

I don't think that your text was rude or disrespectful.
Perhaps it came across a bit harsh but.. I think people who take the 'slow and steady' approach when it comes to dating in respect to numbers you got and such, are often the ones who finish last. The ones who end up pulling their hair out for who knows how long because they're not sure why the girl didn't reply often, if at all, when they'd already placed all their eggs in that one basket.

If you're interested in that girl, you could always reply with something like 'I didn't mean to be disrespectful. Sorry if that came across a bit strong but I was just wondering if your lack of contact should be taken as your being not interested.'
(Girls love apologies. I guarantee that the 'sorry' will work wonders. :P )

[Prof_Don]

I already did the "sorry" thing, and it definitely softened the blow and made her less mad lol.

[Prof_Don]

She ended up being one of those "I gave you my number because I was afraid to reject you" types of gals. Strange to see that a woman older than me still does that shit :-P

[kittykatg]

If she's not texting you back then she's obviously not interested. No need to hound her about it or try to make her feel bad about not responding. I mean do you really want to date someone that only responded because it was rude and they were put through a guilt trip?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call it disrespectful or rude, but I'd definitely be put off by it. I've gotten messages like this before and it was just weird af. If I don't respond to a guy, it's because I'm not that interested in him, so to get a message like that from a guy you aren't attracted to is like... "K. I don't care, bye" and then wonder why he couldn't just take a hint and move on with his life. I don't need some big announcement that you don't consider me a "dating prospect", I could care less, just leave in peace.

[Prof_Don]

"Take a hint"? Nope. That's ambiguity. That's still open ended. Lack of closure.

So with my message i DIRECTLY saught closure. No "too busy and forgot to message back", no "being shy", no "playing hard to get ", etc.

With that text I sent the message that the status quo is unacceptable , and if she was doing one of the three above, she needs to shape up or I'm washing my hands with her.

NOW if I don't get a response back, I get closure. For MY self interest I do this, if her interest was prematurely gone BEFORE i sent that text, I don't give a damn if she is annoyed or whatever; her interest was gone anyways.

[Opinion Owner]

Kinda just comes off like you want her to know your moving on, like you want to make her jealous, when in reality, she probably couldn't care less.

[Prof_Don]

You know what? I didn't initially see how my message can come off that way, but now that u mention it it does come off like a PUA style move to make her jealous.

Lol but that wasn't my intention. I just wanted to signal to her that my interest is fading because of her lack of effort, I felt it was the socially and emotionally mature thing to do... although my words were sharp, the point was to come off with seriousness instead of playfulness.

Now all these GaG gals think I'm huge asshole now, don't they? ;-)

[Hannah591]

I would definitely not reply back if I received this text. It was a bit out of the blue and some people just get busy. I'm not good at replying and I know full well I'm not, but when people get rude about it, it's not nice.
You could've sent a nicer message, asking how they've been and wondering where they got to.

[Babyapple]

Hm not rude and disrespectful. But not light and funny and friendly either. I find the best method is to send a text like 'hey guess what, I nearly set my kitchen on fire making pancakes this morning!!' And then see what happens. If they still want to chat something will come out of it and the friendship is back on. But being too serious too early on is off putting, keep it light next time :)

[M_A_X]

There's nothing rude or disrespectful about putting hateful people in their places. If they're not going to text back, they're the ones that are rude and disrespectful.

Don't worry though, bigots have this bad habit of projecting their own problems onto other people

[dipta]

Well, nothing for you to gain there.
Honestly, it sounds a bit like those guys who insult you after you refused to exchange numbers, talk to them or go on a date with them.
Were you really expecting a message like "you know, you're very nice, but I don't think it's working out..."?

[Mustachekitteh]

Well they are a bunch of stuck up cunts who can't bother themselves to just say why they didn't care to text you.

Those chicks are just WAY too sensitive.

[Prof_Don]

Looks at the responses these female users are giving! Like being direct and #NoBullshit is somehow a bad thing. Have they not been around masculine men before?

[Mustachekitteh]

If a guy texted that to me either I forgot to response or not interested. If its the i forgot part I would apologize for making them feel bad. If its the not interested I would still say sorry but I'm not interested to keep anything going.

[Prof_Don]

I like your style. :)

[JustBeingHonest7]

Wow some of these responses to you are a little harsh. Your message was a bit on the rude side. I understand that you were looking for closure, but this approach was a bit... I don't know what word to use... aggressive? It seemed very filled with resentment and criticism at her disrespect and just kinda brutal.

If someone WE'RE playing hard to get, then they would likely no longer be interested and if they weren't and simply weren't interested this would reaffirm they made the right choice

[Stacyzee]

I don't think it was.
But usually I don't waste my time with such people.
If I'm trying to pursue you and you don't answer me back , I have a three day rule and then your number is deleted altogether.
This allows me to fight the temptation to contact you even if I'm dying to know what happened.
If someone is interested , nothing will get in their way.
It's all just excuses.

[luvstoned4him]

You seemed a bit anxious. In dating you need to take it slow and know what you are getting into. I normally text guys by the 2nd day of getting their numbers but not all girls are the same. Dont force interactions or get annoyed because of a lack of. I believe that the people who want to be in your life would make required effort.

[Prof_Don]

I texted a few times several days apart with little to no response before I sent that quoted message, I'm not crazy enough of a person to send that text as the first one ever! :-P

[luvstoned4him]

Well I guess they werent that interested...

[archiz]

Nah sounds like smthng I would do.
They are being rude and disrespectful by not replying. If you re not interested just say so and stop wasting my time.

[Prof_Don]

That's what I'm saying! There are quite a few girls that seem to prefer that passive "fading into nothingness" stuff, they obviously don't have their big girl pants on

[archiz]

Yoi got that right 😎
It s all good don t worry about it yoi re on the right here.
Dunno if I said it correctly 😛

[Prof_Don]

*in the right

You were close enough!

[archiz]

Ow that s a typo mistake I meant in.
Aghh that s because I am on my phone. I HATE touch xD

[LJHam]

I'm not gonna judge about the rudeness or disrespectful-ness of your message. I will say it was pushy/demanding. Honestly, if people don't respond to you, it's because they don't care/respect you. Move on. Don't waste your time & energy for another minute on them.

FYI, I have to practice this myself. I sent a message via LinkedIn last week to a guy I knew/dated in college. He hasn't responded. Apparently I don't warrant a response. Fine, moving on.

[ObscuredBeyond]

If she says she'll let you know, that means directly. She wasn't upholding her end of the bargain. You forced her to be honest. And she is whining because how dare someone make her have to earn her desired outcome, and confront her about her own character flaws in the process.

[THEALIster]

She was forced to be honest, now hard to understand if someone won't reply to you? You don't play hard to get when getting someone's phone number

[ObscuredBeyond]

@THEALIster : I have an entire take on this. It may do you some good to read it here:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a26156-sarmassophobes-beware-the-snowball-boomerang-destruction-of-a-simple

[JuicyBrain]

The intention was fine. The formulation was rude and disrespectful. It sounded like : Hey stupid, entertain me or I am going to fuck other broads.
It might have not been the intention, but it's the vibe you sent.

[BertMacklinFBI]

i don't see it as rude or disrespectful, just straight up and in her face, thats all lol.

[Prof_Don]

Yup, pretty much, I don't play no games! lol

I am very much like my dad in that respect, I can be straight up and #NoBullshit when it comes to people being passive. Plus if said gal is already lost interest, that message won't make a difference, but if she is interested but is being a bad replyer or is playing hard to get, then she'll shape up. Nothing but pros! :)

[lexythelou22]

Youd could have handled this much better. Instead of "What's you're deal?" You could have asked if there was a reason that they weren't messaging you. You have every right to cut off women who don't respond to you for massive amounts of time, but simply ask them if they're planning on talking, and if not then get rid of them.

[Afro-dite9]

However how can we tell the whole truth if we only see what you wrote. Where are the previous messages? But no you weren't in the wrong she is just bytt hurt now because you called her out. She is probably stringing you along or just really busy. Either way no matter of how busy a person is at they try to make an effort to contact you even if it's a smiley face or a "Hi" it's all about what they deem is a priority or not.