Is my boyfriend fetishizing me?

So my boyfriend and I got into an argument because i felt that he was fetishizing me. We are both black. He is African (1st generation american) and I am African American. He has very dark skin and I have light skin, long curly hair and brown eyes.

He made a few comments that made me quite uncomfortable. We were talking and he asked me "what am I because i look foreign" I told him African American and he looked at me incredulously and said am I sure I'm not hispanic mix or from an island. It was kind of irritating because I am proud of my heritage. Then he proceeds to tell me how he's never dated a black girl before but I'm not really black because I look foreign to him and that light skinned girls are his preference and he would never date a dark girl.

This whole conversation made me really angry and uncomfortable because growing up in a predominately white area it took me a while to become comfortable in my skin. I feel like he is self hating and exoticizing me. He has lived in urban areas his whole life so he has been exposed to mostly hispanic and black women.

His comments make me feel like the only reason he's dating me is because I look racially ambiguous enough to pass as either afro-hispanic or black mixed. Does this seem like he is fetishizing me or is he that self-hating?

He said he has only dated latina women. And I think because he feels like I could pass as afro-hispanic but I am black he gets excited. Its gross.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes. I have been fetishized like that before and it feels f*cking disgusting. It's not a compliment. Basically what he's saying is that if it weren't for your "exotic" looks, then he wouldn't be giving you the time of day. If you were darker or even had his physical features, then you wouldn't even have a chance with him. I don't know about you, but that grosses me out and turns me off INSTANTLY because it makes his intellect look faulty and defective.

    He is totally self-hating and it's really sad when black guys degrade physical features they have themselves or that their own mother has. I always steer clear from guys like that. It's an immediate disqualification for dating me.

    • It really does feel gross. We have an amazing connection but his obsession with my supposedly "exotic" features makes me really uncomfortable and has made me start questioning this relationship. Especially when he told me he's only dated latina women i feel like, oh since I look racially ambiguous enough he decided I was dateable.

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    • Ok I get it. when a woman gets with a guy because she is attracted to him, it's all natural and ok. But if a man gets with a girl because he is attracted to her, then he's fetishising her and it's disgusting. Got it!

    • ty, asker

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 5

  • Just be glad he likes you regardless why.
    He probably had bad experiences with the others and that's why he doesn't like them. If you treat him badly, I would bet then he would migrate to even lighter skinned people because he would get dumped for just liking you.

    • Who are the others? Black women? He's never even dated nor talked to a black woman so he has zero experience. I should just be happy a man shows interest? lol. Many men do.

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    • It actually my color as well. He made that perfectly clear. It's pure self-hate and no, that doesn't make me "happy that i have it and others don't". Colorism is disgusting.

    • Well, if it bothers you that much, which it seems to, then the relationship is doomed.
      What if he only liked girls with your type of butt, or your size breasts, or whatever, would that bother you just as much, or is it only a color thing?

  • Another girl who can not just be happy with what she has and has to muster up drama and insecurity from nothing. The guy likes you but you are doing your best to ruin it. Seriously, if you fuck this up then you deserve your misery.

    • lmao you sound really bitter. It's hilarious

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    • lol who hurt you? get some counseling

    • Nobody. I'm just appalled by the amount of crap coming out of some girl's mouth sometimes. You take something normal, make a drama of it and make it all about you. Just for the hell of it. And you have the guts of telling me I need counselling... Get real. Open your eyes. Look at what you have and try not to fuck it up.

  • I think your intuitions are correct. He's fighting his own moral and values , principals as well. Leaving this guy would be in your best interest.

  • The best answer I could give is maybe. I could break down all the features I find attractive, or most appealing about women in general. I can also say that my wife doesn't have all of those attributes. I couldn't possibly love her more, or change a thing about her. My wife doesn't share my lineage at all, but that doesn't mean I'm any less happy about myself.

    From the situation you've described, he may, in his own way been trying to tell you he finds you attractive.

    • I get where you're coming from. If he was telling me that he finds me attractive that would be fine but tearing down other black women because they have typical black features while praising my "non typical black ones" is super uncomfortable and comes off as self-hating. The whole encounter made me feel disgusted. It would be the same as if I dated a non black guy and he went on and on about how I didn't look like the typical black girl so he decided to date me. It isn't a compliment in my opinion

  • He likes you for you


What Girls Said 1

  • It seems like a very stupid reason to fight about. But if it's annoying you talk about it with him...
    He's definitely not self-hating tho

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