Boyfriend's parents getting a divorce?

[FallOutBoy2001]

So, I just got a text from my boyfriend, and he told me that his parents told him and his younger brother that they're getting a divorce.

Poor boy is understandably confused and upset, and I don't know what to do. Everyone in my family, except my parents, are divorced, so it's not
like I have no experience with divorce, but as I said my parents are the only ones not divorced.

What should I do?

[lightbulb27]

There is nothing you can do to change their decision. Relationships are hard work and who knows why they are divorcing.

Try to be supportive of him. Realize he may not share his feelings like a girl and cry and dump, he may get angry. Just reassure him you are there for him. Also re-assure his parents (him or both of you) that you support both and you accept their choice, but of course you don't like the answer.

See if there are any resources where he can talk about his feelings and share with others going through this (churches offer stuff like that). Get him into a small group of men (church again) that would talk and listen. It helps to just express and realize, it isn't about him it is about them. It will be ok (hopefully).

Lastly... learn as much as you can because this stuff gets hard sometimes and you don't want to join the statistic. Both of you can read some dating and marriage books together to learn more, accept more or realize if you are even a good match... after he comes up from his low.

[FallOutBoy2001]

Yeah I know I can't change it. He didn't say, but his father is almost always away for work and I assume that was at least a small factor.

I try and be as supportive as possible. He's a bit less of the "angry when upset" type (that would be me) but I'll keep that in mind. I don't know if I can tell his parents that I support what they did, or at least when they did it (who tells their children they're going to get a divorce two fucking days before Christmas?)

He's not super religious or anything, and he really doesn't like talking to new people, so that may be a bad idea, but I'll run it by him.

Yeah, we both will, my biggest fear is becoming like the rest of my family. We both think we're a good match for each other, but hey you don't go into a marriage thinking "hey let's have two kids and divorce after 15 years."

[lightbulb27]

Holidays like this are the hardest of times when relationships aren't good, so I swear it ends up being the time they break... sad as that is. Imagine how fake it is to give a gift to ones spouse who they don't really like. It is really stressful. I was there with a girlfriend... misery.

correct. What I've learned about attraction is we are drawn to the figures from our childhood, which is our image of mate... no matter how imperfect they were... they were perfect in our child minds. That sometimes means things are "familiar", but it may be terribly flawed. So it would help to talk to the parents about what is going wrong... ableit, it may be very private. Dig if you can.

they could use your support... as odd as it sounds. encouragement to work on the relationship I think is also good... marriages have been saved by work. But I wouldn't push it too hard... they have to want it.

realize girls love to talk to process feelings, guys like support and sometimes to crawl awy and hide. ...

[lightbulb27]

to support him, if he wants time toether, just sit next to him like a buddy and listen, tell him you respect him. that's how men feel support. e. g. imagine men lined up in battle protecting each other... that's support.

[FallOutBoy2001]

I mean, holidays are hard on every flaw, whether that be in a relationship or in a person, and yeah that would suck.

I'll ask him if he knows anything. His parents and I aren't super close, though I'm getting quite close with his mother simply because she's around more often and is often more accepting of me than my own mother..

I absolutly understand. They're obviously wondering if they made the right decision for their family, I just really don't like that it has to happen to their family and their sons. Bad things seem to happen to the best people.

I get that, I tend to process strong emotions like a guy does, I hate talking to people in real life about my problems. He's a lot softer, but I'll still keep that in mind.

[FallOutBoy2001]

I just, I hate that I can't fix this for him

[FallOutBoy2001]

He's the best guy you'll ever met and he doesn't deserve to go through this.

[lightbulb27]

I am sorry, that is something I never went through... a divorce of parents. It is probably harder on a teen person as it is a difficult time in life as it is. Too many young people end their lives, don't be one of them (or he), realize this will pass and be ok. But read what I say below to understand yourself better. Share with him what you wish.

Counseling and having someone to talk to is worth having if he isn't one to talk or open up, and in general about relationships (at least some counselors are good, not all) but I know that costs $ except for some churches where it is free. There has to be an outlet somewhere...

...

[lightbulb27]

You want his pain to go away (which is empathy... yeah... you have good emotions!). But thing is, you don't have control over others choices that impact you. You have influence though, like I said... marriages have been saved, relationships healed... it happens, but it is hard (emotional) work, both have to want it. Being a good ear and supportive seems what you can do. Read some books and learn. Talk and process, do a good workout:)!

[lightbulb27]

"He doesn't deserve this" - I'd think about that statement as there is a lot in there to grow in life as an adult. A lot of things happen in life we don't deserve which is out of our control. Thus, we accept what we cannot control. Some people pray (relgion) as a way to turn over to God what the negative part and power over what they cannot control. It helps, it can heal. In emotional suffering can be great rewards if you look for them... suffering... perserverance, character, hope... strength to endure. Example... can you better relate to what kids coming out of Aleppo are like now? Just that alone will give greater compassion. Not even close to compare is it, but still helps...

[lightbulb27]

...
Also..."he's the best guy you'll ever meet, he doesn't deserve this". Reminds me of a story... there's this person and many are celebrating his birthday soon. Sounds like him a lot, you should read his story in the New Testament, go watch a play, or go to a Christmas service? Same deal... didn't deserve what he got, but he sure did a LOT of good out of it. Just something to think about. Its a challenging story to buy, but listen to his life story... and what he did with it. If you can turn rotten tomatoes into something amazing, that makes you a great Chef!! Now your mind is thinking more positive I hope. Here's mytake on it.

https://www.girlsaskguys.com/user/lightbulb27/takes

If you can learn to understand, learn and grow from painful situations, you will both grow.

[lightbulb27]

"more than your mother accepts you" - in this is statement is more value for your life, probably a gold mine. Probably not the time to dig into it, but save it to reflect on and talk through. We humans are a web of complex emotions and feelings.. especially girls, but males too. In that will be some rich stuff of which to deal with so you can avoid what your BF's parents are going through.

[lightbulb27]

Last point... I know you want to feel sad as that is how empathy goes and what you are experiencing, I get that. But try to step back for a moment and observe how all this stuff flows... Parents divorce (and likely the perfectness you saw was not true, it was a facade)... he and his brother are uprooted and disturbed, depressed, sad, angry, hateful (what other emotions?)... it made you sad, others on GAG now... some have empathized with you and reminds them of their divorces and torn apart families, people in his path will experience his and brothers sadness and outlet of anger, etc. etc. etc.. Sadness and pain are like a virus and they spread and can do even more damage if the sadness is not outletted like you are doing.

[lightbulb27]

y point is to see what is going on. Realize, goodness flows like that as well! unfortunately goodness can get deflected by sadness and misery, but it still flows in time like a river...

What is going to make his pain go away is hidden in this story above! Take from it what value you can. That is, if you do something good for someone, even someone you don't know... the pain will dissipate! If your boyfriend can do something good for someone he doesn't know, it will change him! If he reaches out to his brother in ways he never did... they will bond like never before, if you both can communicate in a healthy way, you will bond in amazing ways,... etc... etc. But if you both focus on the pain that you cannot influence, it will amplify the anxiety. That is the human design. I have an article somewhere on the biology of that. We are relational beings and giving is it's own reward in our biology!

[lightbulb27]

Wish I could transfer what is in my 50 year old head to yours, but a lot of it has to be learned in the school of hard knocks, else it isn't that valued. I've offered to you what I can that is of highest value. Take from it what you wish...

[DIRT-KING]

This is why I don't want to get married lol now you've been a perfect little family for like 15 years and all that time was basically wasted, kids emotional teenagers now because their example of a good relationship has shattered, questioning if it's their fault, parents say it's not when in actuality it might be

[SovereignessofVamps]

Tell him that if they're mean to him or his bro, it's got nothing to do with them at all so pls don't take it personally. When people divorce, that can actually be caused or eventually cause severe money issues. So the stress can get really high.

[SovereignessofVamps]

*caused by

[FallOutBoy2001]

Yeah, I know that

[bente2]

Tbh just being there for him will help. Ask him to talk to you whenever he feels the need to, but initiate too soemtimes. Just a simple "hey, how are you dealing?" Can make him feel better. Occasional snack-bringing will also work.

[bedroomdweller]

Marriage is pointless and selfish is all I have to say. I could write 10 takes on why no man should ever marry, not even one on why they should.

A broken marriage is either divorce and get court-rape as a man, or remain miserable in a spiteful sexless marriage.

People should procreate and remain together in free union keeping the State completely out of a couple's affairs. Marriage as a contract is a joke and shits all over the concept of marriage as a sacrament.

[Twin2814]

just spend more time with him and let him no that the world isn't over. also, talk to his brother too. tell him the same. make sure they are both ok

[sawno]

There is only one thing you can and absolutely must do. Be there for him!

[Decentguy]

spend as much time as you can with him, and be more caring and supportive towards him

[FallOutBoy2001]

We really never see each other (both of us are so overwhelmed with school and sports (and work, for me) but I'll try and make more of an effort

[Decentguy]

then at least try to contact him everyday through calls and texting

[Waffles731]

I'm not sure, just be there for him is all I can say

[Anonymous]

Just be there for them and if you get a chance smack the shit out of his parents for ruining Christmas for the rest of there kids life

[FallOutBoy2001]

I agree it's pretty shitty timing. It's literally two days before X-mas

[Anonymous]

what a nice Christmas gift for the kids.

you should go over there and comfort him

[ColinHarvey]

Tell him it's all his fault, and someday he can look forward to a divorce of his own.

[FallOutBoy2001]

And why do I want to lie to him and fuck him up?

[ColinHarvey]

It's not a lie all divorces are the kids fault.

[FallOutBoy2001]

Yeah, and what about divorces where no kids are even present?

[ColinHarvey]

It's the potential kids fault.

[FallOutBoy2001]

Well, you're a fucking idiot

[JSmuve]

Bake him a condolence cake.

[Walrus_au]

be a friend, be 'present'.

[capturemyheartnow]

Love him more.

[CorvetteGirl]

Talk to him.