Is it really wrong that I tell my boyfriend about problems that my parents are having because they are getting divorced or the problems that I have?

[pink_and_inlove]

My tells me not to tell him what’s going on in the house because in the future he could use it against me but I have no one else to talk to about this and the divorce thing was really affecting me last night. She’s always telling me that in the future he’ll use things against me but I don’t believe that he’s really sweet and that’s something that toxic men do and I feel like she thinks that way because of the men that she has in her life (her brothers who used to bully her and my dad who doesn’t really treat her well either but the same goes for her). I have a friend or two that I text but we’re not like super close or anything and my boyfriend is my best friend.

Updates

+1 y

My mom*

[caring__1]

The problem with sharing things out of your control, especially if you rehash the same information multiple times, is people tend to start tuning out what you are saying. It's hard listening to issues that never progress. If, on the other hand, you share what you have done or are doing to address the issue, keeping him informed of progress, he'll probably be more receptive.

Sharing information about others tends to lead people to take sides. Let's say you have a fight with your boyfriend and decide to share your perception with your mother. Afterward, you make up with your boyfriend and expect your mom to just forget all the negatives you shared about him. It's not that simple. Once the cat is out of the bag, you can't put it back in. She'll continue to hold it against him, and this will cause conflict between them that may never entirely go away.

Whenever you choose to share information with someone, first ask yourself what you want to accomplish by sharing this. Keep track of your objective as you share, so you don't just end up venting. If your boyfriend doesn't understand certain behavioral patterns of your parents, you can help him to understand the reasons behind the patterns, but there are some things we just have no desire or need to know. Would you truly want to visualize your parents having sex? If there's no need to share, then don't.

[OlderAndWiser]

Not a matter of right or wrong but more an issue of practicality. Suppose you tell your boyfriend all of your parents secrets and they are unfavorable for your father. Boyfriends quickly gets a very nasty, angry attitude towards your father.

Then your parents reconcile their differences and continue living together. They invited both of you to their home for family events. That will be difficult for your boyfriend to do.

[pink_and_inlove]

When I told him about my mom treating me bad I don’t think that he cared he always treats her the same and is very charismatic the same goes for my dad. It makes me wonder if maybe he doesn’t believe me?

[OlderAndWiser]

Every story has two sides and he probably just thinks that he's only heard one side of the story. That doesn't mean that he won't be supportive of you.

[pink_and_inlove]

Oh wow

[pink_and_inlove]

But that was a while back though I haven’t complained about her again and he even saw her make me cry and everything but how he treated her has never changed.

[pink_and_inlove]

One time he did get mad at her on Mother’s day and didn’t say happy Mother’s day

[OlderAndWiser]

If you and him are together for the rest of your lives, he needs to have a decent relationship with her. Taking sides and expressing hostility towards her will only interfere with that.

[Daniela1982]

What happened to your best girlfriends that you had in High School? Can't you talk to them? I agree with your mom. No one needs to know the details of their divorce. I'll tell you something. A lot of guys are nice and sweet until you breakup with them. So never tell them anything that is not their business. Even when you get married there are things you needed share. Most marriages last 10 years or less. When divorced all you said gets spread around, including your nudes if you have any.

[jennifer_bloom]

It’s okay to talk if you think you need a counsellor but if they don’t know you do it, you won’t get in trouble. They might have therapists or religious clergy who can help you cope. Consider asking your mom about that.

[Lliam]

It sounds like your mom is dumping some thoughts on you that she shouldn't.

In my opinion, aside from physical intimacy and satisfying sex, the purpose of an actual boyfriend, as opposed to a mere friends with benefits, is another kind if intimacy. You can be emotionally close and share your thoughts and feelings with each other. In a trusting relationship, you are honest with each other. You can lean on each other when you need to.
Right now, you need someone to talk to. You need someone else's feedback. You need reassurance. That's what a real boyfriend is for.

Your mom is inadvertently sabotaging your ability to trust and have a healthy relationship.

I encourage you to open up to your boyfriend and use him as a sounding board. Of all people in the world, he's the one who can (or at least should) be your rock, your anchor. He can hold you, listen to you, and give you reassurance and comfort that everything is going to be okay.

[t-8900]

You can talk to your partner about this and should. If its bothering you then you need to have someone there for you to help you through it. No better person for that then you boyfriend. But discussing the details would be like airing somebody else's dirty laundry. And what happened between your parents is their business because it was their marriage. Analyze the situation for yourself and you will find neither side can give you the full truth which means what they say is dishonest even if it's not intentional. Their POV clouds their judgement and their internalized feelings are going to project the wrong info and give you the wrong message. Don't listen to your mom on this. Did they go to marriage counseling? Did they have honest and open conversations about it? It doesn't sound like it to me though I could be wrong.

[abc3643]

Dump him.

This: "My [boyfriend] tells me not to tell him what’s going on in the house because in the future he could use it against me ".

What he is REALLY saying is "I am not a mature boyfriend who knows who to function in an adult relationship."

He needs to go. NOW. ... and feel free to use his words and what I said AGAINST HIM.

[Jamie05rhs]

No; that's her MOM saying that.

[abc3643]

@Jamie05rhs Well, that's considerably different... LOL.

[pink_and_inlove]

Yeah it’s my mom saying that

[Andres77]

It's not right or wrong.
If you two are planning a life together then sharing your joys and despairs are part of it.
For better or for worse... starts at some point in every relationship.
I'm sorry this is happening.
It's going to suck but you'll get through it. Facing is your best option.
Grief, and the 5 stages therein will play a role and everyone is on a different timeline.
Just consider that as you deal with them.
You seem to be the most considerate of your family. They probably won't be as considerate towards you in dealing with this.
Just my opinion from the outside looking in.

[Slithers]

Relationships are about trust and that's because you have to be vulnerable in them. It's ok to disclose anything when you have someone that really loves you. You shouldn't have suspicions the person will use it against you or you are in the wrong relationship.

From what you said he's a nice guy, so you should go ahead and open up to him. You'll form a deeper bond with him for it and he will want you more.

[JustALonelyGirrl]

I think it is okay to tell him the problems you are having yourself, but when it comes to the problems your parents are having, I feel like that is personal and more your Mum and Dad’s private life and it’s up to them who they wish to know that information. But I’m probably alone in thinking and feeling that way

[ZackBan]

Your mom really thinks she can get a divorce and someone as close as your boyfriend is never gonna find out? 😂
I mean come on it's a major thing it's at least bound to come up in some conversation.

Although if the divorce is not a done deal and there is still hope for your parents then yes you keep the family drama in house for now that's the right thing to do.

But if it's over and no going back it's pointless to keep it a secret

[musicloverr8]

Why you should definitely be honest and open up with your boyfriend so he knows what you're going through, after all you are supposed to be each other's emotionally support systems. You don't want to overwhelm him with this stuff though he could get annoyed with it and kind of back off or think that you have mommy and daddy issues or something I would see a therapist that you can vent to that way you're not exhausting your boyfriend

[DizzyDesii]

Its not wrong but be careful. Some exes use it against you later and use it as an excuse to say y'all will turn out like them

[pink_and_inlove]

That’s sad. But I really have faith this time that he won’t be an ex he already has our future planned together so God willing he won’t be

[DizzyDesii]

I pray it works out for you

[pink_and_inlove]

We’ve still never argued it’s been almost two years now and this is the person that I see my life with so I really have faith that it’ll work out. He’s my best friend

[DizzyDesii]

Damn thats amazing. I can't make it past a month with at least one argument 🤣

[pink_and_inlove]

Lmao but you’re so awesome though 😂

[DizzyDesii]

Haha thank you :)

[SnakeBoop]

If he's even saying that "use it against you", get the fuck rid of him.

[pink_and_inlove]

No he has never said that before this is just something that my mom always says

[SnakeBoop]

Alrighty then.
Technically he could. But if they're being shitty parents through the divorce, I think they'll mess you up more than he ever could. You need someone outside of it to talk to for the different perspectives. So unless ya mam is going to pay for a potential therapist. She needs to back out of your relationship and focus on her own

[Jamie05rhs]

I agree with @SnakeBoop.

[Jamie05rhs]

So THAT'S why your mom is bitchy and mean to you all the time. This actually explains a lot.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. 😥

[pink_and_inlove]

It’s okay and she’s not as mean anymore

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. I'm glad to hear that.

[ohshee]

If you ever feel the need to talk and you have nobody to talk to you you can send me a message I will talk to you I've been through this before and I don't care how old you are it does affect you

[Ninani]

You're right that you shouldn't have a person in your life who would use your vulnerability against you. If you trust your boyfriend it's okay to share this with him as it affects you.

[whito]

You are just keeping it real with him and that's the way relationships should be take everything people tell ya with a grain of salt and decide yourself how u will handle things

[slatyb]

Presumably you meant your mother? She’s a piece of work. Ignore her and talk to anyone you like.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

It's not wrong to share problems with him about your parents if he really loves you he will accept and have an ear to listen to you

[jasco]

Ok first off any boyfriend who says that isn't a good boyfriend. 2nd if your boyfriend doesn't wanna talk about it, they may be annoyed. Honestly I just accept it and leave it be

[Wiredone]

It's not wrong to talk with him about what is going on in your life. That is what couples do. I wouldn't give exact details about your mom and dad's relationship though. Some things are left unsaid.

[bannacookies]

I was going to put what dizzydesii said. He's your boyfriend so of course you want to tell him, but be careful on how much you tell him since it can backfire later.

[varan69]

Yes u can he is your other half and your back up. The shoulder to cry when u have no where to go. Why do u even doubt if you are in a relationship. Most of the time he will be your first choice