Should a man carry all the financial burden in a relationship? Are gender roles appropriate?

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend is very traditional. Hold door open, man should pay, man should come up with the date, rather oldschool if you will. I don't mind this so much, it's the fact is not reciprocal. I love to to see and make my girl happy but my it can be draining. Sometimes I wish she ask me to do something or treat me to anything, lol I'm a simple man granted. I wish she be the first to call me, I feel quite needy, I'm I just insecure? I want more from her but sometimes I feel selfish, I know she loves me and she's a great girlfriend, but I don't want her to take advantage of me or make me feel obligated to do these things. I do it because I love her not because I'm the one with a weiner in the relationship. I'm in the process of moving and she has not helped me one bit, no suggestions, no finical, support. Her attitude is your the man do what you have to, but I'm really struggling. My fear is once I get place she will want to move in with me, I feel uncomfortable allowing her to reap the benefits of my struggle without being there for it. I'm I bitter? Prideful? How do you tell someone you love you don't want them that close to you? Gender roles suck 😔

[Fitness-Fanatic]

You have every right to feel the way you do. You aren't insecure , you just want to feel appreciated and wanted by the girl you love. You crave attention. You want her to be there for you when you need help too. It's understandable

It seems she takes you for granted. Being traditional isn't an excuse to be selfish and self-centred in a relationship. The relationship will eventually fall apart if it's one-sided all of the time. You're a loving, giving , caring boyfriend , but you need to get something out of the relationship too. You aren't just her keeper.

That's awful that she didn't offer you any help. When you're in a relationship you never know what challenges you'll both face in the future, so two people need to know they'll be there for each other, and support each other to overcome the challenges of life. It seems you'll be" rowing the storms" of life on your own , and she'll just watch from the side.

Talk to her , tell her how you feel. It's best to let her know before you both move in together, coz eventually you'll become bitter and resentful , If she continues to assume being traditional means she doesn't have to put an effort into the relationship

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty traditional and do believe in gender roles to a certain extent. The problem is that you two aren't married yet so it's hard to say what she will be willing to do for you. If she's okay with doing all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing and that sort of stuff then I think that you'd be getting a fair deal. You have to talk to her about all that. You should feel as though everything you're doing is for the both of you and your future family, and so should she. Ultimately, we are called to be helpers of men, so if she's lacking then you need to make sure you're calling her out. It's hard to say without knowing her wether she's being lazy/entitled, or just wanting to wait until marriage.

[BlueFire876]

The way you feel is understandable. You may be afraid of bringing it up because maybe it will make her mad and defensive, but it will have to come up eventually. If you have not talked to her about it yet, she probably thinks that you are totally okay with taking on the financial burden and will continue to expect you to do it. Maintaining a relationship is a team effort. Your part would be to be honest about your feelings and expectations for the relationship and to communicate them to her in the most adult way possible. Hopefully she will be understanding and respectful..

[kaylaS91]

Umm... no?
I mean, by the application of basic logic, if your girlfriend is super traditional and insists that you carry the financial burden in whole, then by proxy, you would reserve the right to control what she's allowed to do/not do. I mean, she can't be demand to be treated 'equally' and have the right to do as she pleases, yet at the same time demand that you pay for everything, y'know? That's exactly why I make a point of paying for my own meals whenever I go out with my boyfriend, if not paying for him once in a while.

[Brisk]

As for the quesrion, a relationship is always a twoway street. I don't think it it's apropriate for any of both partners to not have a fair share of both the pleasures and the burdens of their relationship. If someone prefers gender roles, that's fine as long as it doesn't mean that the girl considers her role to be "looking pretty" (not implying that's the case with your gf). Hence, it certainly would be very unfair of her, to let you do all the work in your move and then just move in with you.

The problem I see is that such a situation is almost deemed to result in trouble. So it's probably a good thing to talk about that specific scenario beforehand and ask her what she'd do, probably even confront her with the question whether she considers it fair to let you do all the work and then just reap the fruits.

I don't know how she'd react, I personally would probably point out the necessity of fair share in a relationship. Otherwise one partner (in your case, you) will sooner or later be frustrated by the imbalance in the relationship.

[Gonetowardthewind]

If you want the relationship to keep working you need to sit her down in private and have a serious talk with her, to help do more stuff, such as moving, and being more romantic, I. e. Ask you out on a picnic date where she's made the lunches. Shouldn't be a problem since you said she's old school, and women back then would invite the man to either a picnic that she made, or to her house for diner, which she made. If she doesn't want to do that, then you need to break up with her since she's using you.

[Gonetowardthewind]

On second though she is really just using you.

[HoneyButterCup525]

I'm a traditional girl too but if I was her I would treat my boyfriend with gifts or cook his favourite meals or take him out somewhere on special occasions like his birthday or holidays. I would call him first and buy him coffee sometimes.
And if I wanted to share a suggestion I would give it.
And if I did move in with him and he took all the financial responsibilities at least I would be obedient and not take advantage of his fiances to the extreme were he would feel all his hard work is going down the drain.

[kiki54262]

Gender roles, in my opinion, are something that shouldn't be followed. Sure, you can hold the door open, but it shouldn't be just YOUR job to carry the financial burden, be the first one to call, or help with everything while the other person doesn't do anything in return.

[kiki54262]

I think the best thing to do is slowly get her to do things the gender role of a girl typically wouldn't do. There has to be balance in a relationship, with one person carrying all the heavy weight shouldn't be fair.

[mistixs]

Depends. If a woman is giving birth & her partner expects equal rights over the child, I think it's fair that the man carries the majority of financial burden in that case, to balance/equalize the fact that she's carrying all of the physical burden.

But outside of that... no.

[JudgeJulie]

Tell her you need space and you can't provide for two people right now. A relationship is a two way street she might not need to pay but show you she appreciates what you do. You sound like the perfect boyfriend keep it up and if she demands too much you bed to speak to her about the topic.

[Paultripp7221]

There has to be a balance in this day and age. I have a three date rule - and it's not about sex. If she hasn't pitched in or picked up one of the dates by the third one... she never will. I know many girls find this off putting, but that's what I've seen in my experience. I want a partner not a princess.

[snowangle]

You're absolutely right. Gender roles suck, and relationships should never be one-sided. It's not unreasonable to want her to put the same effort into making you feel special that you do for her.

[xxmamichulaxx]

She's not traditional if she expects you to take on all the old fashioned roles of men but won't do the traditional woman roles. Does she cook you dinner? Or clean up for you once in a while? Wash clothes when she stays over? If she's not willing to do her part in having a "traditional" relationship, its not your job to do everything for her. Stop paying and doing everything for her until she changes the amount of effort she puts in.

[truthbeknown]

Equal rights all the way. 50/50 man! She is being a total and complete leach off of you. Her secret plan is to move in, scam and con you into thinking she is wonderful. All she wants is to have a her babies and you are just the sperm donor with a paycheck. Don't fall for it because all she wants to do is raise babies and watch Ellen all day while you work your ass off and pay for it all with not a dime left for anything you want!

[DarklordOdin]

You say you feel selfish, but aren't her ways many times more selfish than yours?
If she wants you to do what you have to, why not make her be useful?
In a relationship, both parties should share all (non-personal) burdens. That's kinda the point. If she's not contributing, then she doesn't deserve the fruits of your hard work.

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, this doesn't sound like a too healthy relationship. It's the 21st century. Gender roles don't really apply anymore. Also, no you aren't selfish, you shouldn't feel like you should pay every single thing by yourself. TBH, I feel like you should sit her down and tell her how you feel and that it's the 21st century. Y'all should have equality.

[Hidden_P]

Nowadays gender roles don't apply. Things are too expensive.
I'd love to stay st home with the kids. But I can't. I have to work to make it work. Your girlfriend needs a slap in the face. I'm willing to do so if you pay the air fare.

[Browneye57]

This isn't 'gender roles'. This is you agreeing to be a door mat. Keep on at your peril my friend.
Or not. Just keep on. Then marry her, she'll pop out a couple'a kids, and you'll be the plowhorse. Sometime down the road she'll get bored and tell you she's UNHAAAAPPPPYYYY and go fuck Chad Thundercock cuz he gives her vag-tingles. Then she bails, or you dump her and she keeps the kids and half of everything you've worked so hard to provide.

Welcome to the new millennia. :)

[powerwoman]

There's nothing wrong with wanting your girlfriend to chip in-- you're both adults, after all, and being equals in a relationship means supporting each other.
Best of luck!

[Twinkles88]

Agreed. If she isn't offering to help you out then she is a shitty girlfriend. If this was the other way around would you be expected to help her out? If the answer is yes, then she's a selfish idiot.

[lostgirl_searching]

When it comes to living together, I believe both partners should pay. It doesn't matter who pays more. Everything should be split in half. If you believe this about your girlfriend you should talk to her before you move in

[Kirah]

Your girlfriend sounds like she doesn't appreciate you.

Make no mistake, traditional gender roles heavily favor women. You should be wary of girls who say that they like traditional gender roles. Chances are, they only like the "good" parts.

[karahiri]

no. i would never trust a guy to be in charge like that. he'd have to prove that he can handle it, and let's face it, it isn't exactly fair for one person to be in charge of that. it's a lot of work.

[jacquesvol]

The times when men -whatever schooling they had- were paid enough to maintain a family on their wage were terminated by Reaganomics.
Now two incomes are needed.

[Darsh_112]

Get a new girl who supports gender equity than gender equality.

[SarahsSummer]

Which question do you want an answer to?
There seems to be several.