How to deal with guys who blow hot and cold?

[Anonymous]

Sometimes he flirts with me, says I'm hot and attractive etc and makes jokes about us dating; he looks up random things that we talk about; he gives me his jacket when it's cold, calls me "dear" etc. But it seems he has no serious interest as he doesn't try to progress it forward so I don't know how he feels. I kind of brought this up in a round about way "I hate guys who blow hot and cold", and he said "you don't like guys who {personal attribute about him}"... but before I could say I do he had walked away. I tried to message him and he didn't message me back. On the other hand, he tries to set me up with other guys and match make for me. He also doesn't want to be around me and at times seems annoyed/irritated by me and called me a jerk. I asked him why and was more than willing to apologise if I'd upset him in an unknown way and he wouldn't say, which makes me think he is a jerk. Sometimes he won't look me in the eye when he speaks to me, and doesn't do that to anyone else. So I began mirroring his rude behaviour and now suddenly he's started to be really nice again. What gives?

[Truthatanycost]

He's just emotionally unavailable, and a possible commitment phobic. What's happening is simple. He really likes you a lot, finds you really attractive, thinks about you, and very likely wants to be inside of you.

However, despite all of this, he still prefers to remain unattached. His behavior is a result of the conflict that this causes. So he loses control, i. e blows hot, then he regains control i. e blows cold. It's the same reason why he tries to match make you, it's a distancing tactic, but at the same time, he's in denial of wanting to be with you. It's a form of projection in a sense. He's projecting his desire to be with you, onto the guys he match makes you with.

What you have here is a mixture of lust, desire, fear, frustration, anger, obsession, feelings of love, annoyance and cognitive dissonance.

[Asker]

I think you may be right, on both ends

[DanielleinaD]

An endangered type of guy is the one which feels for you but in the same time realises you are not up for what he expects of you, so he keeps you close, but far enough to avoid being hurt. Do you know his past, past relationships he had? It could be you're dealing with a deeply damaged soul. Final note is that YOU call the shots! My advice would be that you boldly try to make the next step if you like him, that way you'll at least know you gave it a shot. That "what if?" can be very frustrating if you leave it in plain air.

[Hidden_P]

Sent him a message like "I can't be bothered with this" and leave it.
They don't change. I had a guy like this - he wouldn't date me, and when I got with my boyfriend he didn't care. He got a girlfriend and still he sent me inappropriate messages. After about a year and a half I got pissed off and in a drunken moment i publically said what I think of her (more specifically her singing - she's the lead singer for his band. Basically think Adele meets Metallica) I merely said her voice was not suited to their music.

Problem solved! He's never spoken to me again and deleted me from everything! Apparently disrespecting me and my boyfriend was fine, but calling out his MILF girlfriend in public for only landing the position because her legs are in different zip codes was too far. WHO KNEW.

[WonderingGirl14]

It sounds to me like there's definitely something there/something going on with you and him. You say he doesn't do this to other people. Either he likes you and thinks you don't like him/he thinks you're sending him mixed signals and this frustrates him, or he doesn't like you and finds you annoying and is trying to make this clear. When you back off and mirror his rudeness he realises that maybe you don't like him/got the message so he feels safe to be polite again. I'd have to have more context to know.

[WonderingGirl14]

I mean like you in a romantic way, he clearly likes you as a friend, although you write he also jokes about dating you but maybe he was genuinely just joking and you took it seriously

[LeahRabbit]

You just have to let him know that you're not up to his rude behaviour. If he wants to be with you he has to be with you, communicate when things are bothering him rather than call you anything besides your name. And please apologise when you feel like you should not when he makes you feel like you should.

[Asker]

Totally right. To be honest writing it down has made me see how out of line he is. I think he's an impossible cause and the best I can try for is civility as we have to see each other.

[ProbablyOverthinking]

He might just be the flirty type. Either way, he sounds rude and not like the kind of guy I'd want to be around. Someday you will find someone who appreciates your time and never make you guess. Don't waste time on this loser. If he's randomly being nice when you pull away he might just like the chase.

[Asker]

This is absolutely true. Unfortunately I have to for work purposes, but I'll be leaving in 3 months anyway so just have to focus on the future, thanks

[Robsinsf53]

This isn't going to help you but here goes. It sounds to me like he's not interested in having a relationship with you the way y.. He thinks and maybe knows that he can "have you at just about anytime". I don't think you'd be too "OK" with that set up. When you act rude to him, his uncertainty of you gets the better of him & he realizes he should be nice to you. Bottom line is are you going to be happy being like this forever? GOOD LUCK!!😊

[Asker]

Am obviously not happy with that. Although I have feelings for him, it would be totally detrimental for me to be with him. I ask these questions in the hop that my better understanding may lessen the attraction.

[Asker]

And I'm not one of those people that 2 months later will be like: 'sooo I slept with him'. I'm smart and strong and know I deserve better. It's just a case of learning to get rid of my feelings and this is helping me a lot. Thanks

[Robsinsf53]

You're welcome. It sounds to me like you're an intelligent young lady who will be OK. You know if you'd like to see if thats what he's doing, the next time you're going to meet him, be sweet when you see him. Take note of how he acts. After an hour or two, change into the "monster and do what you do to be a bitch, lmao. End your date by saying I'll call you later in a not so happy way. Don't call and... You know the rest. GOOD LUCK!!😊

[Luihu]

It sounds pretty manipulative but it could always be his nerves, too. If you want to talk to him about this seriously to see if there's any chance of a relationship, go for it, but if his 'hot and cold' attitude is a turn-off for you it's probably not worth the effort.

Don't be roundabout about it, just tell him how you feel and move on from there. After all, sounds like this is all stressful on you and it's best that you have closure. Don't be afraid of what might come from being blunt and honest.

[Asker]

Yeah... you're right, but I don't know that I want to be with him, because of the way he is/calling me names etc. I guess I just want to know why he is acting that way - if he wants me, well, I want him too, so I could explain to him that we like each other sexually but are not compatible... and I think my admission of desire for him might make him stop. If he's just an absolute jerk, well, he's getting promoted next month and if it's not because he's into me I'm not sure I want to work in the same department as him.

[evelyn26]

It sounds like he likes you but guys are known to be afraid of commitment/ have a girlfriend. Maybe he has had bad relationships in the past?
Never assume and ask him directly. Tell him you like him and see him as a good guy. See what he says and go from there.
Don't agree to be friends with benefits it never ends well (speaking from experience.)

[Nephilim000]

I think when you get upset he get scared of losing you and he softens up. And well when people are mean they are usually compensating. it sounds like he might be into you but maybe too timid to make a move. And this probably frustrates him leading to poor behavior maybe

[alterhalo]

He's playing games so he can get you without the commitment. It's something most fuck boys do.

[JohnDoe3000]

Yes, that's what I was thinking too.

[alterhalo]

I used to do that shit when I was younger all the time it's all just games with guys that are easy to see cause if a guy really wants a girl he gets her.

[Asker]

Yes it seems exactly like fuckboy behaviour except he doesn't sleep around, has only had long term relationships and had an opportunity to sleep with me and didn't take it (yet still offered to pay for our drinks). But he has the confidence and sometimes the demeanour of a fuckboy. Am so confused.

[alterhalo]

How do you know he doesn't sleep around? Call him out on it and talk about it honestly.

[Asker]

His buddies make fun of him for not sleeping around... and I know he only asks women on dates (doesn't try to bed them). This isn't something he's told me (I have a good BS detector anyway, this is something I have observed and his family and friends have said about him). Gahh... this is why I like him. He is a good guy. Just... maybe not good to me. :(

[JohnDoe3000]

@Asker

Maybe he's just recently discovered the Pick-Up Artist (PUA) scene and is trying it out on you.

[Nerd_modeon]

I would totally avoid that guy

too much mental drama

[Asker]

I agree 100%. He told me he was in a toxic relationship for 3 years and how terrible the girl was, but I almost always think in those circumstances: it takes 2 to tango. Whenever I feel a guy beginning to be toxic to me, I end it. My (now ex) best friend had a lot of toxicity in her personality and she used to stay with toxic guys for a long time and want to bitch about the guys, but again: it takes 2 to tango. In my experience, health attracts health and toxicity attracts toxicity. This guy is not good for me. I just don't have opportunities and wish I didn't have these strong feelings for him which make it so hard to focus.

[Nerd_modeon]

make yourself busy then with work, gym, some hobby, your family, etc... if you are busy, you won't think if him.

also yes, a lot of times how people explain thier past relationships explain thier toxic nature... why would you date a bitch/jerk for 3 years? coz there is something wrong in you.

just avoid him. out of sight, out of mind

[Bananaman177]

That's what all the online strategy guides tell you to do, they say you have to send the girl mixed signals and sometimes ignore her because otherwise she sees you as beta and takes you for granted, but if you ignore her, she starts chasing YOU, and you're supposed to still play hard to get.

You're supposed to play with her emotions and overstimulate all her senses in order to trick her into lowering her fucking guard.

MEN DO THIS BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT FUCKING WORKS, AND HERE YOU ARE ASKING HOW TO GET WITH THIS GUY, SO YOU SEE WHY HE DOES IT, IT WORKED GREAT FOR HIM, HE'S GOT YOU TRAINED JUST LIKE A DOG!

Why are all women like this? That's what I want to know. Why do dog tricks work on you?

[Asker]

Yeah, I have a feeling this may be what's going on as one time he said to me: 'if I just asked you how your day was you'd think that was boring' and my immediate thought was: he's been reading dating tips online. Dog tricks work on people generally. People's decisions are 99% emotion based, no matter how hard we try to rationalise. (Note that I said people - not just women. Both genders make mostly emotion based decisions)

[Bananaman177]

The difference being that men are at least capable of thinking logically first and foremost, even using their logic to override their emotions.

Sorry, but you're not equating the two genders on my watch, you and I both know one is worse than the other.

[Asker]

Umm.. that's pretty much what I'm telling you I'm attempting to do here by writing this down and acquiring written answers.. using logic to override the powerful feelings.

I'm sorry but you're not going to be a sexist ass on my watch.

[Bananaman177]

Yeah, send me a postcard from your honeymoon with Cesar Milan, over here.

[Watermelon15]

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really want to stay, no
(You) But you don't really want to go-o
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

[HotDogg]

Legit.

[66Stars]

My brother is like that too. He's too sensitive, sometimes completely cold and sometimes caring too much and responsible! You'd think he does that to get the girls but he does that to everybody! I was not aware of this behavior and I was usually ending up fighting with him. After that I found out, I don't argue with him and we're really good brothers.

[Varsitythoo]

It depends, if the guy is an introvert, he will shy off and not look into the eyes of the girl to avoid being physically electrocuted by her eye emotions. I guess extrovert guys will make you happier, they can act hot and wild in front of public eyes

[niermix]

God, I hate guys who do that. I definitely feel for you.

[NaultD]

You could just sit him down and say "i have no idea what you're thinking is there somewhere i could start" and try to get some important information that he wants from a relationship.

[Iraqveteran666]

This sound about right lol?

[Asker]

Not really very relevant/helpful to the question

[blondfrog]

Your women are an expert at this so you should know.

[Asker]

Again, complete generalisation and not remotely helpful/insightful to the question I asked. Look at people as individuals not a homogenous mass of gender.

[blondfrog]

It's true women do this too so you should have insight on this. And plus I am 99.999% sure you've done this at least at one point in time. Played with a guy's feelings and played hot and cold. But you probably didn't even "realize it". Air quotes.

[Asker]

Well then I am also 99.9999% sure you have also done it... based on... I don't know, my ass. What a ridiculous thing to say. So much bitterness towards women here.

[blondfrog]

Lol your the same type of female who probably expects the man to pay on the first date lmao stop wasting my time.

[Amitsurana]

just move on..

[Asker]

Blunt but true. I don't want to date him now but I have to see him for work purposes.

[Amitsurana]

then be more hotter.. make hi regret... go all the way..

[Asker]

Nah.. if I'm trying to look hotter for him it's not truly moving on. I need to just keep my head, get out of the situ, be hotter for a guy who deserves me, not a really immature guy

[Asker]

It's just difficult when you have those feelings... but gotta stay strong

[Amitsurana]

who said its for him... its meant for u... there is a difference..

[Amitsurana]

yeah.. i know.. but deep there you can't control that how much u try..

[claspedfrog]

maybe he thinks he doesn't deserve you

[Pizzalover101]

Tell them to lighten up an be truth full