boyfriend wants to join the military and wants me to wait for him?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years (on and off) asked me if I would wait for him if he joined the military. I am a 32 yr old divorcee with two children, my boyfriend has two children, and we live together. My ex was an over the road truck driver, and him being gone so much physically and mentally and emotionally, and then coming back after 2 years angry and mean and drunk, is what brought about my divorce. I told my boyfriend that while I do not want him to go, I would never tell him not to go. I also told him that I do not want to be alone waiting to be loved and held again, and that while I’m not 100% closed off to the idea, I KNOW I would not wait for a boyfriend. Being 32 and divorced and Having two kids, I’m not going to look young forever, n I don’t want to grow old alone. I worry for my future, and if I were to promise to spend the last few years of my youth waiting for my man to come home, that he would need to be making a promise to me as well, I wouldn’t wait for a boyfriend, but I would, hypothetically in the future, wait for my fiancé or husband to come back home, but not a boyfriend, because a boyfriend is a man that has promised me nothing, and should therefor not be asking me to make promises. I also said that I feel that our relationship needs more of our time before enlisting is a possibility, we need to let our relationship grow to a point where we are both ready to make promises to each other, before we could even consider this without breaking our relationship.
His response-
i am what terrifies military men the most. Women like me keep them up at night, it’s women like me that cheat on their soldiers and drive them to suicide.

Recap, So, because he is making this CHOICE, me n my kids r supposed to just go along for the ride n hope it turns out ok n throw our own hopes n dreams n wants n needs out the window? This isn’t something he has to do, it’s something he wants to do. But what about what the rest of us want? Am I really being so selfish?

[Anonymous]

How Long will he be in Training? When I was in the military two decades ago, servicemembers doing their technical Training (which follows their Basic Training of around 2 months) could live off base with their spouses. That would probably mean relocating, though, and if you aren't married you don't get the same priviliges spouses do. If you aren't ready to get married to him (which would be understandable) and don't want to relocate (or can't), you should probably break up with him because, as you realize, military life if very hard on relationships.

[truthbeknown]

Sometimes you have to do what is right for you. You have very legitimate reasons to be wanting to be currently dating and enjoying these years. You are right about waiting for something that may never come! While I wish him no harm, he going to be a solder, and they do become casualties of war. You could be waiting for someone who may never come home. He also needs to realize what he is asking you and it isn't fair of him to guilt tripping you into staying with him. I would tell him you wish him the best of luck, but you are not waiting.

[Anonymous]

I get what you're saying but you don't sound committed to this guy. You're only in it conditionally and if it suits you, which is selfish. That's not necessarily bad, but it is for this situation. And you seem to think there's a time cap on when you need to accomplish things. Life doesn't stop being fulfilling because you reach a certain age. Don't rush or feel obligated to do anything due to age.

[NewToThis83]

Do not wait for him. If this was a stable relationship you two had I’d suggest otherwise. I’m in the military, PM me if you have any questions.

[Asker]

I have been there before with the trucking over the road, but I’m even more apprehensive in this relationship because it’s still new, we haven’t committed to each other, and things have been hard. It’s not like we are married and have kids together, and I’m almost taken back by the fact that he asked for such a big commitment from me when he isn’t giving me a commitment in return. I feel like my future is not of value in this situation. We would be living completely separate lives and experiences and I don’t want to live under the delusion that that won’t pull us apart, and I’m just supposed to go along with it because American culture says so? Because he is going to serve? That’s his choice, why does it come with heavy expectations for me, a person who isn’t making the decision? Why am I the bad guy if I put my future as a priority as well? And how many girlfriend boyfriend relationships actually survive when one person leaves to serve?

[Anonymous]

If he is saying your actions make him suicidal get him to a mental health specialist and get out of the unhealthy relationship that has started

[Asker]

He is not saying that I make him feel that way, he is saying it’s women like me that make military men in general feel that way

[Opinion Owner]

... but he still said that about you. Threatening someone with suicide is sick and disgusting and puts an immense amount of guilt. You don't deserve to be manipulated by someone like that. He sees you as an attractive person and knows you will be vulnerable when he leaves you so if he can threaten with that mindset he's not a healthy option for you...

[cancan73]

No, you're right,
If he wants to go and so this, he can, but you can't put all your eggs in one basket and hope all turns out okay,
All you should off him is to see what your situation is when he gets back,
Hope that makes sense

[bisha2]

Wait for him