My boyfriend called me controlling?

Question

I’ve been with my boyfriend over 2 years, and the other day we had an argument and for the first time in two years he roared at me while I sat there and let him, he called me controlling and said if I didn’t stop he’d leave me and said I’m always giving out about things. When I asked him to tell me what I’d been doing that was controlling he said like when he goes out for a pint I text him asking how many he’s had or if he knows around what time he’ll be home. In my eyes the how many question was just keeping conversation going and the time one was just because I don’t sleep well when he goes out till I know he’s home safe, so for me that’s asking cos I’m just wondering and he said it makes him feel forced to go home. He said one or two other things but I didn’t realise what I was doing was that bad. How the feck do I stop or change?

CallMeDave · Accepted Answer

Well, it sounds like the "how many" question isn't something you really care about asking so that should be pretty easy to stop doing. The "what time are you coming home" question I think is a legitimate question. That affects you so I think it's reasonable for him to at least give you a reasonable estimate. Have you ever explained to him what you said here about why you want to know that? If not, I think you should. He should acknowledge that it's something you need and hopefully you can find some way to compromise on that and find a mutually agreeable solution.

I think the key here is to communicate. Share with him why the things that are important to you are important. Listen to him about why it bothers him. Then see if you can find some way to get you most of what you need/want and him to get as much as possible of what he wants. That's the key to a good relationship - talking with each other and listening to each other and being willing to work together and compromise a little to get a mutually agreeable solution.

goaded · Accepted Answer

It can be hard to tell what people mean when they send a text; if someone asks me how many I've had, I would infer they think I've had enough, and being asked when I'll be home implies it should rather be sooner than later. Either of those could spoil an evening.

You're not his owner or his boss, so you don't get to insist that he should behave in a certain way. He's probably been bottling this up for a while now, and it all came out in a flood.

Now it's clear that he doesn't like you doing it, you have the choice of either stopping it, or driving him away. If you explain why you do it, he might come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Can you think of anything he used to do that annoyed you that he stopped? If so, then he's done the same for you.

BlueDream · Accepted Answer

You sound clingy. It's fine to worry, but don't act like you're his mother either. Simply keep your phone on loud and tell him if he can't drive home to call you and you'll pick him up yourself, or you'll find him a ride back. He's going out to have a good time and you're trying to conversate with him in the middle of it? He won't have anything to talk about with you if you're already asking him questions about his night when it has just started. Chill out and back away from his throat, its THAT that's probably driving him nuts.

Lea96 · Accepted Answer

I don't understanding why everyone is saying asking him when he will be back home is annoying? She just texted to know its like when ur leaving your house when you were younger and your mother would ask you when you would be back. She just wants to know it's not like she is saying when are you coming back? Come back already.

AwesomeCookie · Answer

@Thankshunpenneys you don't. It may take you some time to realize this, but he ain't changing either honey... And from what it sounds like, & from personal experience, you move on. Unless you're 100% okay with this behavior, be ready to be his mother and babysitter until your relationship ends.

Sayuri_san · Answer

I know you don't mean it that way, but it does sound a bit controlling. I would feel the same way as your boyfriend, to be honest - annoyed and a bit smothered. It looks like you can't manage a couple of hours without him. I'd wonder why you need to know how many drinks I've had. I'd feel like you were trying to mother me. The "when will you be home" is a bit trickier. You should definitely be able to ask if you need to know, but do you really need to know? Do you need the info to make plans or just because of your own worries? Remember that he's an adult and that his ability to handle himself and get home safely doesn't stand or fall with the level of your worrying. Refrain from texting and let him be home in his own time. Distract yourself - watch a movie, read a book, listen to music, anything.

Is your boyfriend usually not one for conflicts or "roaring"? Because it sounds like he could have had those feelings bottled up for some time, the way it came out. If so, then he really means "back off" and you should take it seriously or he could very well decide that the relationship is not working out. Ask to talk with him when you're both calm and ask him if he really feels that way and how to fix it. Be sure to explain you never meant for it to be controlling but that you thought it was just conversation.

chameleon3081 · Answer

I hate to say this, but you shouldn't have to change for anyone. If he finds you controlling, is he the right person for you?

I am not saying dump him, but ask yourself if the relationship is right. If he feels he is being controlled, maybe you're not meant to be together. Also, do you worry about him, or not trust him? I can't tell from what you wrote, but be honest to yourself. If you decide you don't trust him, then ask yourself why, and have a chat with your partner. I think this situation highlights you both need to discuss possible issue.

Before you hit the panic button, these things are normal in a relationship, and will happen again. Working through these things together will make you both stronger.

Aadheen · Answer

You are obviously a caring partner and worried for his safety. I dont go out drinking but my girlfriend is what could be called controlling in other ways, e. g. Making me wear what she insists i wear. Being very strict on the way i behave and look e. g. being clean shaven.
Her controlling was initialy scary and a burden but now I realise it is because she loves me and I now enjoy submitting to her

I suggest you stop caring for a while and he will miss it and will want you to resume being controlling.

jeremythedrummer · Answer

Well, if he's out for a drink then dont expect him to reply immediately. Talk it out when he is cooled down, and explain why you asked it. He probably said he would have left if you had not stopped him in frustration and didn't mean it. Also , when you talking it out, keep your own cool, dont flare up. Explain that you didn't mean to intrude in his fun time or make him go home earlier, and that you were just worried about him. Make sure he knows you trust him. Maybe he called you controlling because he thought you didn't trust him and wanted to restrict him. But explain all of it.

anuragk033 · Answer

Well whatever you did was not bad according to me, why don't you just tell him that you care about him. If you won't ask him anymore that where going and well will come he can also reverse the question that "you don't care about him anymore" etc. This is the reason love becomes complicated if he would have truly loved you he would never shout you on that silly things instead he would have understood that you care about him and if he didn't liked something whatever you did he would have a discussion with you not an argument still if you want to keep up your relationship you have to have a discussion about all these🙂, i hope he'll understand and if he didn't try to recall some past momories which kept you guys together in hard time during 2 years of relationship 👍

Chaz269 · Answer

Well, we can't help if we don't have all the info. As far as the only example you offered goes, just stop calling and/or texting when he goes out without you. Most guys who go out do so to leave behind the stressors of daily life. That includes you. Don't get your panties in a bunch, that's perfectly normal and healthy. Just leave him the fuck alone until he reaches out to you. It's really that simple.
If he mentioned other things, you should specify them. If you're truly the controlling type, you need to correct your behavior or the relationship is doomed.

FlightlessPhoenix · Answer

I'm the same way with my boyfriend and we've been together 2 years April 2, in terms of the pint drink talk etc. As opposed to while he's out d ont bother asking him how much he's drank at all anymore, and as for time he'll be home (that's a big fucking problem of mine too) ask him prior to him going before and instead of an exact time ask for a rough estimate and while he's gone do some super house cleaning to keep yourself busy, random hair dye, spur of the moment gurl or friend night, take yourself to dinner, read, etc. Best of luck for us both to not loose out loves 💛💚💛🌻

Edanurus · Answer

Ok so here's the scenario as I see it. You get anxious when he's out because you worry. To reduce this you message him while he's out. And keeping conversation going, you mean while he's out? because that's a big nono.

The issue is that if this is a regular occurrence you're basically ruining the night for him. Sounds like he knows how feel so when you type "What time are you home?" You're saying "What time can I stop worrying" and that can be suffocating.

Hazey · Answer

I’ve read the comments also. I think maybe he’s not the right guy for you. I think this because you’re relationship seems to have gone down hill. He ignores you to play PlayStation when you’re with him, even though you aren’t with him that often. You’re only asking for a text that says when he’s home, it’s reasonable. You feel like he might leave you any second, and I can honestly say i know how that feels. It’s a horrible feeling not being secure in a relationship. I think first thing to do is discuss all this with him. If he doesn’t listen, he’s not the right person for you anymore.
There will be a guy out there who would love to spend time with you.

lukeO · Answer

To me, you don’t seem controlling. You seem caring. If he were to go out and drink and you weren’t asking him how many he’s had or when he’ll be home, he could get into an accident being stupid and you wouldn’t know

In my opinion, your female “caring and looking out for the ones you love” is showing. That is a good thing

So what I would do is explain to him that you care. You’re not trying to be controlling at all, you’re just trying to care for him like a normal girlfriend and want him to not leave and then him walk through the door in two pieces from stupidity or an accident

Little21 · Answer

To me it doesn't sound controlling, but we are just hearing your side of the conversation.
I think it depends on how much you're texting him when he's out. A couple texts would be fine, but if you're blowing up his phone or using a harsh tone or making him feel bad for going out, then yeah it would be controlling.

Anonymous · Answer

You don’t seem controlling really. So I’d kind of chalk that up to frustration on his part. On the other hand if he’s out with his friends n stuff it’s good to let him have his own time where he’s just with his friends and enjoying that.

He feels like you don’t want him out with his friends drinking, that he has to do it in spite of you, so on and so on. I feel like he’s at least partly wrong here. But if you trust him as an adult let him manage his own safety unless it’s clear he’s doing something completely absurd, illegal or directly harmful. Having a few drinks and staying out late is none of that.

So you tell him, I didn’t really think of it as controlling, that when he’s out it’s his time to do his thing and you won’t bother him. Then go find your own thing to do.

Hamsy · Answer

First of all he didn't say he doesn't like it. Second of all u should just tell him why u are asking. If he still doesn't like it u should find someone who will appreciate it

AquaBoo · Answer

Sounds like you need to let go a bit. When he goes out, just make sure he has a ride home. When he is home, tell him you care for him. It's that simple. Live is in the little things. But when love turns into constant worry and control it ruins your day and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

thebookofanswers · Answer

Tell him what you just typed and tell him you can give him his man time if he'll compromise for you so you know he's safe

SabinaV · Answer

I understand you only want to be aware of whatever he does.

Although do not enforce it, it seems like a task for him, let him go about. If he does naturally let you know that is good, if not let it be I am sure it does not mean anything wrong he only may want time for himself people need that.

Do not because it makes it seem like you are on guard 24/7 which may feel a bit much.

I am sure he has adjusted much for you the reason everyting only came out recently. Understand him as well.

ThisDudeHere · Answer

Can't a guy just have a beer in peace? He goes out for a pint to have some time all to himself - he is the type of person who does not feel the need to be in totally constant and perpetual contact with their SO. Give him some freedom.

DarkAngel98 · Answer

Both questions are reasonable and honestly more like common courtesy questions. It doesn't sound to me like you are controlling, and if he thinks THAT is controlling, he outta look at some of the men who control every aspect of their woman's life. Trust me, you aren't being controlling. I ask the same questions when my fiance goes out with his friends for the same reasons

xearo · Answer

I think when he goes out or on those issues he mentioned you just have to give him space, and let him do his thing. most guys need their down time, we are natural roamers but we do come back home. I've seen this happen before to one of my friends and I explained to her this same thing. For some reason she was insistent that she was worried about her boyfriend being out. But as you can see, it's not healthy to be in a guys space when he's having his own form of down time.

My boyfriend called me controlling?

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