Guys, Is infertility a deal breaker?

Question

razelove · Accepted Answer

That depends. I would be up front about it, as for the guys it would be a dealbreaker for would be crushed to know later on you can't have kids. At the same time, I'm "one of those guys" and knew I wanted kids in a relationship early on. Instead of leaving when we were having trouble making babies, after about a year of trying, both of us went to a fertility clinic to see what might be going on, long story short, science is amazing and there were medicines she could try before getting into more extreme options and we have two daughters now. On the flip side, a lot of guys don't want kids and could see that as a bonus of never having to worry about you skipping a pill, or worrying about your health from an ectopic pregnancy from an IUD. Really it's going to depend on the guy, and approaching it sooner rather than later. Don't be insecure because you're infertile, I think something like 10% of the population is anyway. There's a good chance you might get with a guy who is infertile himself, also a good chance one of the ones who wants kids can't produce them without 10s of thousands of dollars and a biopsy of a testicle, because that's the male treatment to infertility. Thank god I don't have to worry about that lol. Just date normally and think of it as you would herpes, yes, it's an issue related to sex, one you'll deal with life long, but it isn't deadly, and it's pretty easy to deal with when you really think about it.

On a separate note, I'm really sorry to hear that if you did want to have kids :(

nightdrot · Accepted Answer

Well, you are speaking of two different things. Infertility is one thing. Not wanting children is quite another.

In terms of the former, if I had met my girlfriend and we had discovered that she could not have children, I would have been saddened but I never would have left her. I love her with all my heart.

Maybe we would have considered adoption or something. As it is, we have lived together for over a decade - we don't want to be married - and we have three children that we love with all our hearts. It is not too strong to say that they add a special magic to what we already share.

Suffice to say, that points to the second issue. If the woman I was with did not want children, we might go on and date for a while, but there would be almost no chance of it becoming anything in the long term. In that sense, it would be a "dealbreaker."

Not even necessarily because of her veiws of children per se, though as you can tell, I love children and arguably suffer from a case of "Baby Fever." Rather, because it suggests that we would not share certain basic values and life goals. That would not suggest a long term happy relationship and therefore we would part company amiably and frankly it would likely cut the relationship short if not preclude it altogether.

MaxDeez · Answer

As far as infidelity goes i guess i always told myself that it is going to be a deal breaker however, the circumstances were such that i had, due to the lack of female acquaintances to an extent, stayed around and now it's a whole different perspective I'm living through. I never thought that a certain situation would change my outlook from a loud categorical no to a sad "who cares, i just want her to be ok". Honestly I dont think any of us can truly relate to one another when it comes to directly seeing the situation for how it must feel to wear it and walk in its footsteps. I have a girlfriend who had recently went into a manic episode and didn't come out of it for 3 weeks at this point. Over the summer it was for 2 months. I've been with her off and on for 3 years and its been very tough and painful because for some reason i can't hate this girl or ignore her. She always had a medication dependency, actual and personally prescribed. She quit most the stuff and had recently, as i stated, declined in mental state stability and awareness, paranoia increased and who was once a person i spend a lot of time with is looking at the nothingness of the space around her, mumbles to herself, doesn't talk nor pay attention much, is sometimes happy sometimes sad but in her own world. doesn't call nor pick up my phone calls. Then suddenly she would snap out of it and of course this is what we are waiting for now to hopefully try and stabilize her mood somehow but just as suddenly it goes away, it can come back the same and usually does within a couple of days. So infidelity was painful at the time, yet meaningless in retrospect and in her life as well as mine, i honestly just want her to be ok. I want her to come out of her state and never think about anything to be sorry for and hopefully never resort to drugs which were the main reason for this infidelity to begin with. I no longer hurt when i think of her because my brain matches that thought with some fuck boy she cheated with, i feel an even worse and heavier grip on my chest now that i associate the thought of her maybe never being able to be herself again with her family, whoever, me, doesn't matter. Just fails in comparison, maybe im too nice, maybe i need to get laid, maybe im a sucker. Too many maybes which i dont care to look into. I just wish she could be herself again. I am 34 years old and she is 27. People want to be nice and loyal as i see from my interactions with different individuals. Only that life takes us on a ride through unexpected, psychologically and emotionally draining roller coaster. And after high school nowadays most young adults feel like they had enough and cover our true feelings. Until its no longer uncool to be who you are and sadly at this point in my life thats the stage I've been in for a while and i can care less about cool or uncool. I just want to know my friend is ok. I'll adopt whoever the people will allow or choose if only she could come out of the state she is in.

LohrvsData · Answer

Perhaps if a man really wants kids, but if he truly loves you, he will likely stay. There are other options a couple can use if one or both partner (s) is/are infertile, aside from adoption - in-vitro fertilization, artificial insemination, and surrogacy are but a few of them. I'm sure your man would much rather take care of a kid that he himself helped conceive, but I know a lot of future parents do choose this route as a last resort.

Also, you need to take into account that most women are more fertile on certain days, usually during ovulation, which is usually a couple weeks before "that time of the month", but that can vary from person to person. If your husband/boyfriend/whatever manages to catch you at such a time, I think you can still get pregnant. Something you might want to try if you're both hell-bent on having kids. :)

Keep a close eye on the fetus if you choose to conceive in this way though. I've heard of unborn children conceived like this dying inside the womb or developing mental illness during pregnancy. I'm not sure if that's actually true or not, but it's something to keep in mind just in case.

JimmyQ · Answer

YES. I dated the perfect woman. Impossible you say? I mean everything she put her mind to, she was able to do. She was creative, intelligent, and industrious. All the traits I seek in a partner, but when I learned that she had an operation to ensure that she could no longer bring children into the world, it just ripped me.

It wasn't long before I had to tell her that I was no longer interested in planning a lifeless life with her. We were even buying a house together and I canceled the contract.

The woman that I did eventually marry gave me four wonderful children that I love dearly, but then she turned around and without even consulting me did the same thing.

She became a fat, loveless pig and kicked me out of a house that I built with me own two hands. I mean a 1/2 million dollar house that she now owns.

I'm not bitter, but why would anyone do this to themselves?

It's like women that I've heard of who have their breasts surgically removed because they might get breast cancer.

I don't even know how, as a man, to respond to this insanity.

Ladies, you are what dreams are made of. Please stop killing them.

Connor-RK800 · Answer

No, infertility is not a deal breaker for me. Everyone has a right to decide how they wish to live their life. On the same note, the very same right extends to women that do decide to have children, so no. Because one does not like the appearance of a pregnant woman, doesn't mean that woman has to be locked up. Psychologically speaking this repulsion you have towards pregnant women is something you should look into. No need to say it here, I'm just saying that the only thing that can top a good answer is a better question.

startingfitness · Answer

Yes, it is.
Part of wanting a marriage for me has to do with wanting children.
My dream is to have a family with 5-6 children.

So infertility is a deal breaker.

Also, for the update, no man WANTS to raise another mans child. Its cool to be a teacher or a mentor, but we dont eanna be the father to a kid that's not ours. Its our biological imperative to produce as many children as we can. Raising someone elses child just wastes our time, wealth and energy which could have gone to our own children.

Nelson767 · Answer

I am unable to have kids, shotting blanks.
It is an extremely heart braking realization to come to. That you will never father you're own kids. But it's not the end of the world. There is adopted and other options.
Some people do allow the pressure of the situation to get in the way of the love of being with each other and end the relationship other find a deeper more fulfilling life with each other

Corerue · Answer

No, not at all.

Plenty of kids up for adoption. If that was the only acceptable road then why not. Who cares about bloodline. Help keep kids from being broken and you live forever in them.

But an infertile woman? Again nope not a deal breaker. Instead it's good, she doesn't need fancy bullshit meds to regulate her period or to avoid getting pregnant. Stuff like that is a major relief. You can just both be you and have fun. :D

HR000 · Answer

I'm 41 and my ex of 3 years couldn't have kids because she had a partial hysterectomy when she had her first kid. We talked about kids when once we were very close but that would have cost me at least $50,000 just to start the process. I've always wanted kids, but was waiting for the right time. I thought shew was the one until she cheated on me. She was with her ex husband for over 20 years. I was her second boyfriend over that time. She cheated on her husband and then she cheated on me. So basically every relationship she's had in over 20 years, she's cheated on the guy. Yep, breaks my heart and I thought we would spend the rest of our lives with eachother. Once a cheat, always a cheat. I don't look my age and I'll find someone else. What comes around, will go around with her.

Aethereal · Answer

I think your opinion on locking up pregnant women is a bit much. But to answer your question; no. Infertility is not a deal breaker for me. I personally don't want kids for a number of reasons. So it would actually be a bit of a relief to find more women who felt the same way (about not wanting children).

JackSmy · Answer

If I love her, and we have a great relationship, but she cannot have children, why is that a 'deal-breaker' to any caring person? I can't imagine how she might feel, and with social pressures, saying she should, and have children.
I say, PISS OFF!! I love her, and I think she is just a wonderful woman, and so what, if she can't? So many young kids, needing loving parents, and a family, and what if the Fates made her unable, just to find, and adopt a great kid someone couldn't, or didn't want?

Guys, Is infertility a deal breaker?

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