Is it common for a woman to reject a friend saying she’d like to get to know him better as friends as she really likes spending time with him?

[Anonymous]

Especially if it’s a flattering rejection which tells you about how much she likes being with him and then tells him about what she’s been up to and where she’ll be the day after and if he’s coming?

Yes it’s a classic sugar coated rejection message

No it’s not common - that suggests something’s stopping her from saying yes

[Anonymous]

She really liked spending time with you = she gets her emotional needs met from you. When a woman is really attracted to a man, a lot of that time will be spent in bed...

If you are her emotional pillow, a lot of that time will be spent on the phone, in text, or some neutral location where she can vent, talk, joke, and have you as her 'gay best friend'.

Invariably, the men that she finds attractive, will not do this unless she has earned it, and that's part of why they aren't just friends. There are exceptions, but generally, if you aren't her boyfriend... then you are her... girlfriend.

[Asker]

Interesting. I wonder why this poll is split by gender.

[Opinion Owner]

I laughed when I noticed that, and it was 100% expected. The reason is due to women rarely, if ever being honest. Ask them what they want, then watch all of their actions be the opposite. Their priority is not the truth, it is more about remaining neutral, safe, and secure, and being pleasant / politically correct (there are exceptions).

They also need to be careful how they reject men due to the differences in strength and physical presence. Most of them live in some kind of fear.

[Asker]

But then they have no reason to lie on an anonymous online poll.

[Asker]

And also does that mean if they say they want to hang out more and get to know you better they want to do the opposite and distance themselves?

[Opinion Owner]

Peoples responses to questions aren't always conscious ones, or even deliberate. Some will answer in auto mode, or give a conditioned response without even realising. Sometimes there will be honesty. Wide scale polls might get a little honesty. Fact is, even being brutally honest to ourselves can be difficult at times.

If they say they want to hang out more and get to know you, it does not mean the opposite. But in the context of being rejected through that statement, often it suggests what I mentioned earlier.

[Asker]

Do you think men and women can be friends?

[Asker]

After rejection?

[Opinion Owner]

I think the vast majority of men and women cannot be friends, because there will often be at least one that develops feelings. I've had women tell me they saw me as a friend, or as a brother... then without them realizing refer to how sexy I was, or lose focus and slip up about being attracted.

After rejection a guy is just asking to be used by trying to be a friend, and it's already 'unequal'

I work with a girl I heard tell someone ''he's my friend''. A few months later she's asking me if she's the type I'd go for...

[Asker]

Why would they refer to you as a friend and like a brother and sexy?

[Asker]

Also I guess women think friendship between a man and woman is possible.

[Asker]

The issue I also have is that although I agree with everything you say, the full message I got isn’t actually consistent with any other rejection I’ve ever got out of the hundreds of rejections I’ve had in my lifetime and that’s what bothers me.

[Opinion Owner]

She referred to me as a friend because it's less risky than the truth. I knew it was total bs before she even asked me about being her type.

The one that referred to me as a brother, one day she saw me after I'd been working out and had no time to filter her response so the 'sexy' came out. Again, I already knew it was bs anyway.

Ask women if they think friendship between a man a woman is possible, I bet about 90% would say yes.

If you're not certain of the rejection's true meaning, you can investigate.

[Asker]

How do you investigate? Also, do women judge on looks more than anything else?

[Opinion Owner]

You can investigate by spending time with her. Personally I'm often very certain so don't need to, but it will vary depending on the individual.

Women judge on looks, but attraction generally has to be built by the man, or something has to happen for her to become attracted beyond looks. I've lost count of how many times a woman has shown zero interest but then I've built attraction and she's changed over night.

Even 5 years later, a girl that had zero interest in me, is still attracted after it was built. However, I learned that she wasn't girlfriend material so did not take it further. The other day she told me she was 'single again' lol.

[Asker]

How is it built?

[Asker]

Isn’t that meant to be harder the longer you’ve been friends with them especially if you’ve confessed feelings?

[Asker]

I think I did build attraction but probably not enough. I went wrong somewhere. But I felt it was the right time to attempt to ask out. And I got back a very long confusing message which wasn’t consistent with any other rejection I’ve ever had before.

[Opinion Owner]

You build attraction by not being their 'friend', and you do not confess feelings, you demonstrate them. Confessing feelings kills all tension, and places pressure on them to decide straight away. You build attraction through teasing, flirting, touch, emotional connection, your masculine presence, and by being sexual without being desperate or clingy. There is more to it than that of course.

It's likely things went wrong when you confessed feelings. That's like her picking up a good book and hearing the ending right away.

[Asker]

Oh. So is this situation salvageable or have I killed it now? I did it based on advice saying if I don’t, I’ll be friend zoned.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm guessing you got that advice from a woman...

It is salvageable, you'd just need to build attraction and sexual tension. It won't work if you play the role of the friend though.

[Asker]

No it came from a guy haha. I feel like it’s harder to salvage now though since she knows my feelings but still easier because I don’t know her that well yet.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm surprised it came from a guy. But there are times where a man might tell a woman how he feels. But if things were already established, then it wouldn't be damaging.

Check out this take Should I tell her? Will it break things? ↗

He told her how he feels and her response was ''rather I didn't know''. Now if he'd instead worked on building attraction, and demonstrating his desire, things may have been different.

Even if she knows your feelings, your actions can make all the difference. In fact, I've found that it is very difficult to make a girl lose interest once attraction has been built. There always seems to be some kind of spark that is there.

[Asker]

All very interesting. Can I send you the message she sent?

[Opinion Owner]

Yes, you can send it if you want.

[Asker]

There’s no option to PM it? I read that link you sent and I don’t know this girl anywhere near as much as he knows that girl. I barely know this girl and definitely have never spoken about anything emotional. She’s shown me interest and given me more attention than I’ve given her (maybe except very recently). The message itself she sent me is very long and confusing

[Opinion Owner]

Well, rule number one with women is to judge them by their actions, rather than their words anyway. A lot of what they say isn't even the same a few hours later on. Therefore your best bet is to judge her by her actions.

[Asker]

Her words are confusing, her actions suggests she’s interested.

[Anonymous]

Yes, she's not outright rejecting you because doesn't want to lose the attention and validation you provide. She'll make excuses for you, but break them for the guy she's really attracted to.

[Asker]

I’m sure she gives me more attention than I give her.

[Asker]

Or maybe it’s equal, not sure.

[Opinion Owner]

If that is the case, it's only to keep you in orbit/give you hope. You're more like her girl friend and emotional tampon.

[Asker]

She never does tell me emotional stuff that’s the funny thing.