I had a intimate discussion with a new friend of mine ( who is also my coworker). We both confessed we have feelings for each other and she told me that she didn't deserve to be with me, knowing I'm a gentleman and a great person. I asked her why and told me she was talking about her past relationships and leading up to the narrative that she had sex with other guys, including a co-worker from our job. To give context, she said that she had multiple short lived relationships in HS ( lasting 3 months). Furthermore, had unconsensual sex with another guy who was her first. I didn't cringe till she told me about the recent guy from work. she has a high sex drive ( as do I ) and was amazed how upfront and honest she was with me; I think it takes a lot of strength to tell someone your darkest secrets, even your shame. told her that I losty virginity too and regret giving it away. I felt bummed about her not being a virgin ( but then again I'm not). So would you still pursue someone with that kind of history? ( we are not officially dating rn or announced it) also given similarly that we both had sex and enjoy it, is this a recipe for disaster for a relationship between us?
Updates
+1 y
We broke up. Weeks later I found out she traded me in for another guy at work. Wow. It's been a month since this happened. Def learned a lesson: not gonna date any hoes any more!
Only if you let it be an issue... You said you "cringed" when she told you about your co-worker.
She was open about it, so it doesn't seem to be an issue for her, and likely she doesn't want to hide it from you, which is quite commendable.
Yet she still is afraid that it might be a deal-breaker for you since she said she felt she didn't deserve to be with you.
Only you have the answer. It doesn't sound like she's promiscuous in a casual way, just sexually active. Did her partners overlap? Did she cheat on them or go from one to another on impulse?
Regardless, what you do when you are that young isn't something you can really judge someone over. And about your co-worker, once again, not everyone has the same view on sex or how intimate or reserved you want to be about it.
You seem to be more reserved than her in that sense... Her first time was taken from her unconsensually, I wouldn't blame her for trying to take control of her sex life after going through that.
But I don't know you or her enough to say, you clearly have the better insight here.
The more partners a person has the more likely they are to cheat, divorce, be unhappy in long term relationships etc. etc. I would never go for that. That said it depends on whether or not she is aware of why her behavior is damaging and whether or not she is trying to fix it (but if she is arguing its because she has a high sex drive, that's bullshit. I have a high sex drive too, I don't sleep around, sleeping around is caused by poor impulse control not sex drive (and what happens if your with her and for what ever reason can't have as much sex as she wants? Is her high sex drive then going to cause her to cheat?(again, its not the sex drive its her personal choices)). I would say don't do it but if you do be very, very cautious.
Well is she doing anything to fix the problem? Like I said people screw up, but if they are not trying to fix the problem then their just going to keep doing that. Its kind of like a person complaining that they are fat but then watching them to continue to not exercise or diet, its a meaningless statement because they have no intention of fixing the problem.
So personally if she has had a lot of casual partners (and they where intended on being casual (that is she didn't get into a relationship and it failed)), then I would point that out as a concern. If she was going through things and dealt with it poorly, okay fine but what has she done to rectify that? If these events happened recently (the casual sex) then I would avoid her all together, if they happened before but she has made an effort to work on herself I would say go slowly.
If she is trying to use a "high sex drive" as an excuse of the behavior avoid her like the plague because not only is she not going to fix the problem she is using this as an excuse to justify her actions (again, I have a high sex drive to, when in a relationship I had sex every day some times more, didn't need to go off and have sex with random people and I don't now that I am single. That's just self control which if she hasn't developed now she probably never will.). So I would talk to her again, see what her views are and see if she is trying to fix the problems (don't ask her outright because she could very well lie to you (not saying she would but she might (and probably will because lets be honest no one wants to show their worse parts to a person they like).
If so again, take it slow and see if you can spot any red flags. If she isn't trying to fix them or acknowledge them as problem, stay away. That would be my suggestion (I know it sucks (believe me I've been their), but better to avoid the inevitable train wreck then walk into it hoping that it won't happen).
I think you are seriously overthinking things. It’s not like she’s an escaped murderer. She’s had relationships before knowing you, she’s had sex before knowing you. you've had sex before meeting her. Big deal. two people sharing that they enjoy sex is NOT “a recipe for disater”
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
The only thing I'd be curious about is she a person who isn't monogamous. From what you say she has told you it might be a question you'd like to ask unless it isn't important to you.
Yes I think you should still date her. You are right about it taking guts to be that upfront with you. Although that in itself doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have your own feelings about what she told you. I don't know if you're religious or what... but as far as sexual histories go... this one's really nothing to look down on. If you're just kind of a "regular guy" (not religeous) finding a virgin is unlikely. This girl is certainly no slut. Definitely. Go for it.
Thanks for your view. In terms of religion we are both Christians. I can relate to her view on not feeling Worthy to be with someone, given my sexual past. I've made poor decisions then, certainly don't want to keep on doing it.
Ok, well If you're both Christians, then It's got to be up to you as to how much weight you give thevirginity aspect. I will say, that it makes her even braver for being upfront.
But if you have both made poor decisions in the past... you both regret those decisions and hope to do things differently... then my friend... I'm no Christian... but I think your faith has A LOT to say about these types of situations in general. I'm not going to go quoting scriptue to you ( I know the 'saying' but have never read the bible)
But there's somethig about sins and stoning a prostitute you may recall.
But even more than that... its't Christianity quite compatable with ideas like, repentance, forgiveness, humility, renouncing past sins, making commitments for personal changes to your own life going forward...
I think the fact that you're both Christian and can both appreciate the other's mistakes; because you've made your own... makes this a no brainer. You'd be the worst kind of hypocrite if you let her sexual history stop you from giving this a chance. 'Let he who is without sin cast'... right? :)
I'm not going to say whether you should/shouldn't date her because it should be something that you feel. But I will say, if your goal is for a committed relationship, research red flags that could jeopardize the future of the relationship. And compare them with her story/demeanor. It is riskier dating a girl who has been with other guys, but the root of it all depends on her goal with the relationship. So I'd find out her goal, see if it aligned with mine, pondered on the validity of it, and would take it slow & steady to get the best results.
You said she has a high sex drive, so if you want her for more than sex, see how long she'd last without it. If she's faithful to you, then you'll know to the best of your ability that she is good for commitment.
The red flag isn't her promiscuity, it's... 1. A smart person NEVER kisses and tells. EVER. Red flag #1. You think it's being 'open', but really it's establishing a place to start from. It's really kind of gross, don't you think? 2. Dating at work is a recipe for disaster. Primarily cuz when it all blows up, which it certainly will - she's already proven that, one or both of you will be looking for a new job. If you can get one easily, or don't care, fuck her brains out. Or as they say, "Don't shit where you eat." 3. She's already a proven slut. And while they can be a good fuck, they are worthless for a committed relationship - they've already proven they're not satisfied with any one guy. Just figure she'll do the same thing with you at some point.
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
Lets be realistic. There are unicorns out there, but most girls will fall into one of two categories if you have a reasonably high sex drive: - She has a lower sex drive then you - She has more sexual history than you.
Because realistically, if you could get sex as easily as girls can, what would your history look like? Don't just think about what you'd seek out, imagine reasonably attractive girls are constantly trying to manipulate, beg, impress their way into sex with you.
From what you said, she didn't disclose a history of cheating or being unfaithful. Its just that if you two are a couple, she'll want to fuck. A lot.
Look, even though her past isn’t pretty, she’s being upfront and honest with you. She could have lied and said she was a virgin or whatever but she didn’t. I’m not saying to date her or not but it probably means a lot to her if you accept her for her past and not just think she’s a whore.
That's up to you man. My sex drive is very dependent on whether i connect with the person on some other level or else the idea repulses me.
I don't know why. But I also do not have an extensive past. Anyone with more than 5 i personally would not mentally be able to oversee this and would have to say no.
Either she is a virgin or she is not. If she is not a virgin does it matter the number of guys she had sex with? It is even possible to place a limit on the number of sexual partners she has had. If one is okay, what about two. If two is okay then what about 3, etc. etc. Besides most women will have had sex from a few to dozens of guys before they marry.
Well from my own experiences no u shouldn't people look at things different I dated a girl with a promiscuous past for 5 months it didn't bother me I treated her well paid for nights out and in bought her things for holidays then she cheated with two men on the holiday so that's my experience.
Well you're upset she's not a virgin even though you have had sex too... and did she have more sexual partners than you? If that is the case and you care that much then maybe you shouldn't because you may (deep down) disregard her because of that.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I thought about dating same know me of girl that you described who felt she should be someone like me. She had a huge past too but I was ready to forget everything. But I was virgin and in her mind she actually never looked me as a worthy guy. Girls with a high past may say they are not good for you but if the guy don't have much experience , in their mind they actually think less about the guy and will always go for guys with more experience.
Honesty makes me attracted to you even more but it you are playing the good girl card, even if I was beginning to like you, I'll immediately get turned off. I don't like the good girl routine.
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