It's been in my experience most, if not all, of the girls I've dated have had some form of sexual trauma. After the 3rd girl I dated I went online and researched the statistics of sexual abuse.
I'm sure it's changed by now, but back then they said 1 in 7 girls are sexually abused between the ages of 0 to 5 and 1 in 15 boys.
Then 1 in 3 girls between 5 and 10 and 1 in 7 boys
Of those statistics, about 80% of all sexual abusers are family members or close friends.
So, the odds of finding someone who wasn't sexually abused in some way is very slim.
So, to answer your question, yes I would and have dated someone who was sexually abused.
You just have to understand what their fears and concerns are and be compassionate and try to help them through it if you're able. Just show them their abuse does not define who they are or limit what they're capable of accomplishing.
Show them you still love them and care for them for who they are today and you'll be there for them when the past starts haunting them again.
Yes, because you probably don't know such details upfront. So if I date with such a woman and it gets serious, and it turns out she has some traumas, I will be there for her and give her all the time, space and support she needs.
And even if I would know it upfront, it wouldn't change anything for me. If I'm really interested in the woman, it's not a dealbreaker for me. Sure, sex is nice, but it's not the most important thing in a relationship. I would do everything to make her feel more comfortable and show her that she can trust me. And I wouldn't expect that this will happen in just a few weeks or months. It can take some time.
The obvious answer would be absolutely, you know, when I love someone I want to support them and listen to all their issues as I would hope they would with me.
However I just remembered reading Stephen King's 'Gerald's Game' and I will selfishly admit that I'd really rather not. In the novel the couple have been married thirty years and the wife still has bad sexual issue issue from her past that she never told her husband, as a result their intimacy as a couple has suffered. Only when he dies does she finally fix her past unresolved issues.
Even though obviously I can see why the wife did what she did, it was a barrier in their relationship for THIRTY years. I would think after knowing someone for so long you could come clean about everything. Even though it's sorta selfish, I'm really glad my boyfriend is very stable and clear in his headspace. Everyone obviously has had pain in their lives, but he doesn't have any dirt that will sabotage our relationship, which is a relief.
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
I suffered from sexual trauma what caused me to cry or having a panic attack during sexual intercourse. My partners happened to be really cute and supportive. I think I was a good girlfriend as I'm a loving person
Of course I would and for me, that would probably be the best possible partner.
I am not interested in being sexual and therefore, that trauma would never have to be addressed since it does not have to be practiced.
There are so many different and much nicer ways to be together than to be sexual. People seem to prioritize this activity over any other which I find sad in a way.
You can cuddle or just hold hands and that does not mean you love your partner less than if you are being sexual 24/7. Actually, cuddling and non sexual togetherness is much healthier since it does not have the pressure to permanently have to deliver and to be up to IT and the cheating option is almost nonexistent. That is much less of a stress factor.
Sounds like what you're looking for is an asexual guy. Traumatised men still have sex drives. Or at least, they would be happier if they could safely rediscover their sex drive. A man who avoids sex out of fear isn't really the "best" choice for a woman who avoids sex out of disinterest.
It would be one of those case to case things. I wouldn’t automatically write someone off if they had some sort of trauma.
How they’re able to cope and manage it would be what determined if I dated them or not.
If she’s been assaulted but has or is going through therapy or is actively doing what she needs to in order to heal and is able to see me as human and not a “potential assaulter”, I’d date her. If her trauma doesn’t keep her from having a healthy relationship I’d date her.
But if she’s not taking the necessary steps to heal, and projects her past and fears onto me, absolutely not. I would not date her.
I have dated & married and I must tell you it's potentially a mistake especially if she hasn't fully dealt (professionally) with that sexual attack/assault. (No matter how many years ago it happened).. You may feel that you strong enough to deal with anything she may have experienced but you probably won't be prepared for the undiagnosed PTSD she might be experiencing and the repressed anger and misdirected aggression and or resentment towards you. So my advice is to avoid becoming drawn into to that drama... relationships are hard enough without that added stress and drama of an unresolved sexual assault/ attack
I think so. I've met a few, I think it be ok. but depends on how healed they are. I know of one that I would not, I wasn't interested anyways, but I saw how hard it would be emotionally. she just wasn't healed...
we all have traumas, this one is severe because of the self image issues it creates. this happens to males and females...
I gave it my best shot once. It went very poorly. That said, she was weak and "broken" according to her. Still, not everyone is the same. Some people can spring back stronger than ever after something like that. You never know. Even after it blowing up in my face, I still say it's worth the effort.
Yes definitely... It will help them to gain back the confidence.. Support.. Specially emotional support is needed.. Sometimes families support isn't enough for a person to get out of such things.. Theh need someone who understands them listen to them.
Yes, because I wouldn't know it before, and if I found out I'd be ok. But I don't know for how long I'd be able to handle it if we had issues due to it and he/she could not overcome the trauma. I mean I don't know if I would be able to help in any way.
As I am a victim myself, I'm not going to sit here and be a hypocrite! On the contrary, I would prefer to be with someone WITH trauma, not just to relate, but also because hopefully I don't feel so bad about myself when I get something wrong. They kinda know how to deal with this guilt!
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
I would consider it if she were in therapy. I did date a woman in college who had sexual traumas but back then therapy wasn't as commonplace as it is now. She didn't deal with it appropriately and took out her anger on other people, including me. I feel bad for her. I think she probably eventually got into therapy after college so if that's the case that is good. She got married and had a couple of kids.
Of course, they are not a "tainted person". They would obviously have to be very open or at least as much as they can be about their traumas so I would not trigger un needed pain or added trauma etc.
No ones past problems needs to cut them off from future love.
@kim45456 I think men who date women who claim they were raped is a bad idea. In this day in age, women think having men stare at them is a "sexual assault".
@kim45456 The question was "generalized". Again, modern women claim that an unattractive man coming on to them is an "assault". A woman who has consensual sex with a man while intoxicated, then wakes up the next morning and has regrets, now claims "rape".
There are legitimate victims of rape, but now the definition of "sexual assault" has become so absurd, you can't trust a woman who claims she was "assaulted".
@kim45456 OK, I accept that. I would say there is a tendency for modern women to buy into the idea that they are almost all "victims" of men. This at a time when "men" are trying harder than ever to become what women SAY they want.
I have been sexually abused myself and i guess its a big responsibility to date someone who have been victimized like that. As you might be the one that makes them believe and trust again. And be able to love and let down their guards. Or you can traumatize them further. Its a big responsibility that i don't think i can take on
I could try, depends how deep the trauna is dug in. She may benefit from an intimate relationship, but OTOH she may need to work out her own inner demons before opening up to another person.
But her trauma doesn't need define who she is, if she's a good person and a sensitive caring woman, then of course I could try to help her move on with her life together.
I would. I wouldn't try to fix her though bc I know that's not my place. It would probably be a long healing process but I'd walk with her through it. Sometimes you just have to be the shoulder she can cry on and the person she can talk to, not the "hero" trying to redeem her. That healing process comes from God
I have in the past. The one time it was bad is when she had massive hangups about sex.. Like equating watching porn to not only cheating, but raping the girl in the video.. And basically telling me I'm not permitted contact with the opposite sex including female family members..
I would. It would be hypocritical of me, as a survivor, not to!! And if I cared enough about someone to be dating them, I'd certainly be invested in helping their healing process!!!
If I real love the persons soul character why not I have survived without sex for 29 years now I feel like it really doesn't matter anymore I will ask her to take time we will go for a walk play video games go on trekking something like that
I would, of course. Everyone comes with some trauma from their past. It might be sexual, it might be of other nature. As long as they don't allow it to be a problem in the present.
Yes, of course. So long as they were open to healing. But then, considering how many women have experienced sexual trauma at some point you'd be hard pressed to find someone who hasn't.
Yup I've done it in the past I'd have no problem doing it again. Life ain't easy but God is good.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
My aunt was assaulted in the childhood. But there are no problem with her personality. She is kind, optimistic and fanny. He husband loves her and her son adores her. No need to remind people about their traumas, instead we must help him forget about the shit they was met.
I have to be completely honest here. I would not. I would obsess over it over and over again. I would hold grudges for the assaulter. Maybe you guys are not used to hearing this, but I do come from a peaceful childhood. This stuff would be a big drama for me. Wouldn’t be able to lift it.
wow. you come from a peaceful childhood but you don't know how to get over a grudge? well one good thing that comes from experiencing something negative is you learn how to deal with a bad situation and move on, become stronger, you never had any so at least you admit you can't deal with things. and also how would that be a big drama? a lot of people experience traumas in their life, but they leave it in the past and try to forget it, so how is that drama?
You don’t know me, I don’t know you. Yes, I admit that I do come from a peaceful childhood and never experienced any sorts of trauma. It’s up to me, whether I want to move on or grief about something. That’s my problem. I can even grief about being sting by a bee. It’s completely up to me. I’m not saying it was all roses and unicorns. Several things I’ve experienced, made me stronger. But I’d rather NOT dating someone who has been sexually abused or molested in the past. I believe that each of us human beings have taboos when it comes to dating. Im an emotional guy and I would hold onto it. At least I’m being honest here. At least I’m doing a favor for this person and me. I wouldn’t do any good to them, as they wouldn’t do any good to me.
@PurpleStorm Lots of divorces and intimacy proplems in marriage lots of baggage and sexual disfunction comw with sexual abuse... vs. 2 people in which their spouse is their first sexual encounter.
fair enough, at least you are honest. but your "taboos" dont make sense. youve basically admitted that you are the one who couldnt deal with it even if the abused person is over it and moved on. @Miristheiss wtf are those examples? sexual abuse and dysfunction vs first sexual encounters in marriages? first of all, the only way people who are married are also eachothers first is when they wait for marriage and are virgins until then, because a lot of people who just happen to be eachothers first are usually at a very young age, teenagers, they are not married they break up and later get new relationships. and secondly, being eachothers first does not protect you from sexual dysfunction or abuse. sexual dysfunction is even more likely if two virgins get married because they find out they are sexually incompatible when its too late. and sexual abuse happpens too doesn't matter if they are eachothers 1st or 15th. abuse happens because of disrespect and bad relationships. you can both be virgins when you get together and become abusive a few years later. we are talking about someone whos experienced sexual trauma. and its not the trauma that defines a person, its how they overcome it. yes some people may go off the deep end, but others deal with it in a healthy way and continue to live happily.
it is. getting worked up over someone elses past trauma to such degree that you couldn't get over it, even if they themselves have been over it long time ago is just silly.
That’s your opinion. Not mine. Do all of your toes look the same? Everybody is different. In my opinion it is completely okay, not preferring to date somebody, whose past you cannot accept. Also depends on the traumatic experience. I would accept traumatic experiences of death for example but would reject mental/spiritual illnesses just like sexual assaults. Bottom line is, everybody has their own experiences and norms. Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong? I don’t think it’s rational to put an etiquette on somebody else’s opinion. Do your thing and respect my norms.
the problem is you think someone who has been assaulted automatically has a menal illness. that is extremely judgmental and ignorant of you. a person can survive something like assault, which is NOT THEIR FAULT by the way, just like the death of a loved one, so it's unfair to hold it agains them, but they do come out of it with no mental illnesses and continue being well adjusted individuals. I understand not wanting to date someone with a mentall illness, because that would be problematic, but don't mistake mental illness in the present with an event in the past, you are not a shrink to make that determination. Yes you need to accept a persons past, so if they did something bad like abuse drugs or were a criminal it's fine to stay away. But if something happened with which they had no choice and you discriminate for that, at least admit this has nothing to do with you ''holding a grudge'' against the assaulter, this is you just being ignorant and thinking all people who have been assaulted are ''spiritually ill'' or mentally ill and it scares you, or perhaps you are one of those guys who think she is sexually damaged same reason they want a virgin girl even if she wasn't raped. Well you should know that a lot of people who actually have mentall illnesses have no traumas in the past, so they never seeked help or got over it. You will get someone that you think had a peaceful past, and they will still be messed up in their head because they are also too weak to deal with anything.
1. I did not say that people who get sexually assaulted are mentally unstable people. I put those into two different categories. Mentally ill people, people who have been sexually molested etc. 2. I’m not interested in your arguments anymore so I’m asking you to leave it at that and go about your own business. I don’t care who’s fault, who did what, who is what, everybody is different and everybody has a different life. You are not my relationship council to tell me who I should avoid dating and who I should be dating. Everybody is free to avoid anybody. I’m 22 years old and I have friends who have been sexually assaulted (both males and females). So I’m asking you to avoid constantly repeating yourself by saying that I’m inexperienced about that topic. Go about your business and live your life how you want to. Keep your etiquettes to your own.
“Also depends on the traumatic experience. I would accept traumatic experiences of death for example but would reject mental/spiritual illnesses just like sexual assaults.” - Meaning, I would reject people who have had severe mental/spiritual illnesses in their past just like I would reject dating somebody who has been assaulted in their past. Where does it say that people who have been assaulted sexually are mentally ill? Again, I have my own life, my own experiences. I don’t know what you understand from what I’m writing here but we definitely are not on e same frequency. Now again, I’m asking you to leave the argument. I’m not interested in arguing with you. If I’m dating someone in the long-term, I HAVE to be able to accept their past, right? And I do have the right to decided what I accept and what I don’t. No matter who’s fault is what. Now please go about your business. Would you?
if you want me to stop replying, you have to stop sending dumb arguments, because there simply there is no logic behind them. ''mental/spiritual illnesses just like sexual assaults'' this is where you said mentall illnesses are like just sexual assaults, as if these are the same thing. yes you live your life and have your own experiences so you dont want to be judged for it, and yet you have already decided you already know so much about everyones sexual assault experiences so you judge them all like they are the same and decided they ALL can't be accepted even if they are mentally healthy. I think what really bothers me here is dishonesty, if you just admitted exactly why you discriminate instead of making up excusses about possible mental illnesses, I wouldn't even bother responding. but you just post a lot of ignorant bullshit because you dont want to admit to real reasons you can't ''accept their past''. yes, go live your life and date whoever you want, just dont be a phony and spread stupid lies
well good luck to you. honestly. not only can you not deal with a real issue, you can't even deal with a real conversation. weak and no spine whatsoever. you lived a peaceful and sheltered life, and that has left you with no coping mechanism for anything. you will get challenges in life doesn't matter who you date, and I hope you will have more backbone when that time comes instead of hiding
@PurpleStorm Not everyone will want to deal with your past. Accept that. You liking or approving isn't a prerequisite. All people will do what they want.
@Miristheiss I am not speaking of my past. I did not say my approval or liking is prerequisite. But I will express my opinion. Like you said you are free to do what you want so you are free to ignore it. I am free to do what I want also, so I will continue to call out ignorance and cowardice. People who can't accept something that happened to a person long tima ago even if it's not their fault or they forgot about it, just don't want to admit on why that really is. Which would show YOUR character, YOUR flaws and YOUR issues, so it's just easier to blame it and project on another person.
@PurpleStorm Ah, People are "bad" unless they accept every conceivable sexual past into their intimate, romantic life. You are a bad person unless you date, marry, take on every effed up sexual background. You are horrible if you have any standards or criteria for dating and marriage. I am not buying the shit you shovel. I feel no shame in choosing healthy over broke, traumatized, slutty, promiscuous, warped or any other type of colorful history. You are the intolerant one with your attitude that people are bad to have standards. Sorry
yea that wouldn't bother me, if i really care about the person and they have been through sexual assult and dont feel ready to have sex i would wait, after sex isn't too important to me
Mot a chance. Any gal who claims to have been sexually assaulted is damaged goods. She's likely lying, but maybe she really has been assaulted. Either way she is mentally unstable for the rest of her life. Not my problem.
Anyone who'd be negative because you were in that horrible predicament is it someone you want to be around anyway any person that can understand is the person that would understand I'll be the person to be with
1
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I told my boyfriend I was raped several years ago. It didn’t affect him wanting to be with me. He was just cautious to not trigger my PTSD
I have. What is disturbing is the many women who have been traumatized in this fashion and almost always by family.
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
NO. I generally don't believe women who claim they were sexually assaulted and therefore will not deal with one who says they have.
Almost every female I know who has claimed they were sexually assaulted, when they explain the details, were simply making stupid ass decisions and blame the male for their poor choices.
*YES I get that there are those who have legit been violated, but they are not as common as society would like to pretend they are.
Yes , but I didn't realize that at first time and after a while I discovered it and I friendly let that girl go because I just don't want her to feel like I'm using her
You will have to deal with this kind of people in a different way. Even if you want to have sex with them you will have to first gain the confidence and let them to open up before you can have sexual advances.
@Grkgod12 I have hardly no sex drive. I have trust issues and I don't like to go places to meet others, because I fear I'm vulnerable. I have flashbacks during intercourse sometimes and I dry up or i freeze.
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