How can I ( a young single mom in college) find someone interested in dating me despite my "baggage"? How do I find the time to date to begin with?

Question

I'm a 20 yr old single mom of beautiful 2 year old daughter going to college. I'm super busy all the time. I wish I could be an independent single mom is content with being a devoted mom who is also working towards her degree/not care about finding a relationship, but I don't feel that way. I feel so lonely while everyone else is attached. Don't get me wrong, I have friends and family to keep me company. However, I'm craving a different kind of relationship. I want romance/someone I can share my days with/all that other cute "Disney stuff". Of equal importance, I want extremely badly for my daughter to have a positive father figure in her life (her biological father hasn't talked to either of us since right after she was born)
There are a couple major problems though. One is time. Pretty much all my time is spent working, school, and taking care of my kid. However, I think if I found someone I could squeeze some time in. My parents and older sisters are almost always willing to babysit when I need them. Still, finding time would be an extremely difficult challenge. Finding the time to look for someone right now is a challenge, let alone if I got in one.
Regardless, I'm not sure if I even have a real chance of finding someone as a young single mom. There have been a few times I've met a guy where I felt a mutual spark of attraction, but whenever he finds out I'm a single mom he immediately loses interest. I think most men (both older and my age) aren't interested in the "baggage"/commitment dating a single mom brings. I feel that my daughter isn't "baggage"/I have a lot to offer in a relationship, but every guy who finds out I'm a single mom hasn't agreed
How can I find a guy (who is great for both me and my daughter) who would be interested in dating me despite the "baggage" of me being a single mom? Where would I have to look? How can I find the time to find a guy like that? How could I find the time for an actual relationship when I get to that point?

scandigirl · Accepted Answer

I definitely know how you feel. I'm a single mom too, I have a 3 years old son, and I struggle with the same thoughts, especially a lack of (spare) time is my biggest issue, I'm super busy all the time with work, studies and taking care of my son while running the household. I love your attitude - your child is definitely not a "baggage", never let anyone change that mindset.

I'm happy you have people around you who are willing to help and watch after your child because you need time for yourself too. Your daughter is so small and needs your constant care and attention but when she will grow up and become more independent you will naturally have more time off. But just for you to remember it - your daughter will be small for such a short time, so try to enjoy those years even tho it's tiring and difficult.

You asked how to have more time when you are already so busy - by prioritizing. Could your family babysit your daughter regularly, for example few hours once in a week so that you could get some time for yourself? Or maybe they could take her to sleepover over a weekend once a month? As some people already said, you will also have more spare time when you have graduated. You also probably would favor to meet someone who would live pretty close to you and therefore you could have a chance to meet more often. How you talked about guys making an instant U-turn right after they find out you have a child - I would wish you will stay positive and be proud of who you are even tho you have dealt with so many negative reactions, you have just met the wrong guys who are not ready/don't want that kind of lifestyle. Of course everyone has preferences and I don't blame people who don't want to date single parents, I surely understand the thing of "dealing with the extra baggage" but there is definitely guys who would love to be part of your and your daughter's life and not to feel that "baggage" coming with you. Where to find them - that's the evergreen question I'm wondering as well. I believe that person will walk in my life when the time is right. Do you have any hobbies you do regularly? If your family could watch after your child once a week for couple of hours, this might be your chance to do your hobby and socialize with new people and make new contacts.

You also wondered if you would be able to find someone then how could you keep the possible relationship flowing because of the lack of time - that's another great question I wonder as well. They guy has to be pretty understanding about your situation and I actually believe that if that guy really wants to be with you and is naturally good with kids too, he will also understand your situation. You two would have to get a bit creative to arrange such an extra time. Taking a walk with him together with your daughter? Going to the playground all together and having a talk while watching your daughter playing? Having picnic all together? If he really likes you, wants something serious with you and is really willing to become the stepdad to your daughter, I don't believe it would bother him to have your daughter with you two while hanging around - althought of course having a child-free time is definitely needed as well.

My last advice would be not to worry and have a lot of pressure in the end. I know it's definitely hard to be single when everyone around you is dating, I'm suffering that feeling too, but your time will eventually come. I also hope you will not get desperate and get together with just anyone. Think about the qualities your future partner should have - I believe one of the biggest should be that he loves kids and is good and comfy around them. You definitely want to have someone who loves your daughter and can be a good role model and a father figure for her, so that's why don't hurry. Take your time and get to know the guy well before getting exclusive.

sejla · Accepted Answer

Start out be having male friends and going to interest meetups (when things get better). I think you need some time to be around men but not necessarily dating them. Time to observe what you want and don't want in someone you'd like to date. As a single mom you have more to think about especially if you want a serious relationship versus a casual relationship.

Get a good therapist who you can talk to about things and who can help you move toward your goal of being in a relationship. The truth is the majority of men your age aren't ready to take on the responsibility of being a SO and a dad. There will be a few but not a lot. It might take awhile before you can find someone who fits both criteria.

Change your mind set of that you have baggage. It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right. Going to school, working and taking care of your child. Sounds like you have a lot less baggage than another woman your age who is barely attending classes and partying every weekend.

SomeGuyCalledTom · Accepted Answer

Start by writing up a list of your 'resources' and 'limitations', and reverse engineer a game plan based on the end result you want.

For example, some 'resources' you possess may include:

-- youthfulness/ good looks (you're only 20, so you're still in your 'prime', so that's a resource you can use to your benefit. You also probably still have the optimism associated with youthful women, so a positive attitude will help to highlight your femininity and youthfulness)

-- intelligence/ independence (guys can see you're getting an education and trying to pay your own way in life-- so are less likely to think you're just out looking for a "new provider male" to take up the homestead and relieve you of your burdens.)

-- you're a romantic (guys wanna still go through the whole 'falling in love' journey, they don't just wanna feel like they're being used to fulfil a set of duties. You make time for love and romance, so you can still have that dating phase and 'falling into each other's arms')

Now, some limitations of yours could include:

-- lack of time for dating (you could minimise this by taking up your parents' offer to babysit, and time it to coincide with a Friday evening 'date night', for example)

-- some men would consider you having a kid as "baggage" (you could mitigate this by being up-front about the fact you have a kid, so that you can quickly filter out the guys who flat-out refuse to be involved with a single mum. But also don't put it on them right away to be like "if you wanna date me you also gotta play 'dad' with my daughter". When you're on a date, your attention should be on getting to know each other and having a good time.)

-- absent biological father could bring drama in down the road (idk how to handle that one, besides just take it one day at a time, and try not to dump all this information on a new guy on the first date. If he knows you have a daughter and are single, then he should be able to infer that things might move a bit slower than usual.)

In terms of actually finding those interested guys, I would say you're probably better off looking for men who are maybe a bit older than you, since most guys in their 20s are barely even mature enough for dating, let alone being dads to someone else's kid. It does happen of course, but if you wanna maximise your probabilities of a positive ROI, then you should consider target men in the 25-33 age range or something like that. If you're into online dating, then you can look for key phrases that suggest they're ready for a relationship and commitment with the right woman.

Beyond that, I'd say to remember your value and what your can bring to a relationship beyond your 'single mum' status. Being a single mum does not define your identity. Just ask yourself "what would a guy like about me if there were no child in the picture?", and then carry on being that awesome person you already are. The conversation about him potentially "being more involved in your kid's life" will come up over the natural course of events. Don't force it, you're 20, time is on your side.

WhistleForTheChoir · Accepted Answer

You'll find the time. You'll make the time, and someone will make the time for you. You're still worth it, even though it will be harder, because a lot of men especially your age just don't want to deal with a kid yet, in my opinion it's kind of a blessing in disguise, because it will weed out the weak.

I think being a mother is something that definitely needs to be mentioned on a first date, but I don't think you have to tell them up front. Maybe like an "end of the night" thing, so you can show them who you really are first. Any man who isn't willing to date you because your a mother, just isn't ready. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. In a lot of cases, it might mean there is something wrong with them. Not in all cases though, some guys just don't want a kid and that's okay too.

Don't settle for bad or immature behavior. Remember this is a man that you're not only bringing into your life, but also into your daughter's life. And I know it's hard for a young woman to hear this, but you might have to sacrifice other things you thought you needed in a partner to make sure that he will be someone who is a good father. Not just a pretty face who will make your friends jealous. Sounds like you've had a bad experience already, so hopefully you know some things to watch out for. But be vigilant and don't let him get away with bad behavior toward ANYONE. If he bullies one person, no matter who they are, he is willing to bully anyone, including you or your daughter. If he turns his back on one person without a REALLY good reason, he can turn his back on anyone. How he treats other people is easily how he could treat you as well.

jalas4612 · Answer

Man. 20? You're still a kid. How do you have baggage and why are you trying to date with it? I can see if you had your life partner and had some counterproductive issues in a working relationship but you need to get some strange pee-pee and leave it at that before you're bitter with life and unwilling to marry or have children of you choose to do so some day. I'm not joking, sweetheart. I'm more alone than you I bet and just want to love someone and share life because it's so much better doing that sometimes. That won't come until you have grown up and lived your freedom and experiment stage. Apply yourself scholastically or vocationally and you'll be more appreciative of that choice now in life rather than try to function in a life stage premature to the crucial years of learning and mistakes. Once you're more mature and know exactly what you're going to want and how to take of it and yourself, then go for it and by then, you'll be giving ths advise and will know exactly what needs to be done.

nelly83 · Answer

No offense but I think you have fucked up in life big time So now you’re suffering the consequences. At 20, many kids that age are having fun, enjoying friends , exploring life. But now you’re living like you’re 45. Most 20 yr olds are still kids within their minds. You’re not even mentally old enough to be trusted with alcohol.

i would say that guys around your age will definitely not be interested in you. Try to find an older guy possibly at least 26. Younger guys have no interest in a woman with a kid. And secondly, if you’re lonely make some friends. Don’t go for a full blown relationship because you won’t be able to juggle it all. Focus on your college grades as they will be on your transcript forever And it will determine your chances of ever returning back to grad school , if you ever need it. Don’t destroy your grades with a boyfriend. These few years in college will just pass by quickly and you will learn so much. It will transform the way you see the world. Wait till your child is older and after you are out from college, you will have more time to date by then.

slatyb · Answer

You are only 20 with a very demanding life. You are lucky to have support from your family. Soon you will have graduated and presumably working. This may open up your schedule a bit. Still many guys your age may prefer a young woman with a less complicated life. Consider online dating. Some guys a bit older may be more understanding and more willing to accept you and your child. Don't compromise and settle for a guy you would have rejected is you were single and childless. It seems like a long time from now but some enough your child will be old enough to stay home alone while you are out. And soon after that they will be nearly grown and you will be single and childless.

UnStealthyNinja · Answer

Well done for keeping everything up and still looking for that spark. I'm sure your an awesome mum (sorry, British)

My opinion would be focus on the important bits you have, but join some groups to expand your circle where you can get your daughter involved from the get go. Your daughter is not baggage, she is the centre of your world so when you find someone they should know that from the start and look for a way to build into that not feel like they are competing. Disney films never show it but there is there rest of the happily ever after.

shadow425 · Answer

I can't imagine how hard it must be to be a single mother let alone one trying for her degree major respect to you for continuing to push for your goals 2 you're righr your daughter isn't baggage and both of you deserve someone who will love both of you and at your age its going to be hard to find a guy who is also close to your age who is ready and willing to be put in the role of a supportive father figure/role model for your little girl but that doesn't mean those guys dont exist its rare but they are out there you just gotta be patient, and for now focus on getting through school so you dont overload on too many different things and burn out

likelyOK · Answer

I did it and my advice is to just concentrate on your career and your kids until you finish otherwise a man is too much distraction and the job market is much more competitive than then you think in college. Everyone thinks you get your degree and it will be butter.

Tstrbrainer · Answer

Firstly try to reach out to the real dad of your baby. I'm suggesting this because it's better for your daughter to be with her actual parents. If that doesn't work, at least you can talk things out with him so that he won't show up all of a sudden and disturb your new life.

There are guys in your age group who are ready to accept you as who you are.
If you don't have time to find a person, use the services of a dating site or similar platforms. Be honest, but also be careful. Take it slowly and it will work out. Just make sure that the new guy would be a great step dad for your child.
All the best

MrCommodore · Answer

Simply you being a single mum and having a wee girl is not an obstacle to dating you.
The baggage would be if her biological father is still very much in the picture and involved day to day. That can put strain on a developing relationship.

But the fact a woman has a child, that wouldn't be an issue if I liked her.

Hannibal_Lecter420 · Answer

It's not exactly lying but don't mention the kid early on and don't make him meet the kid until you know you want to marry the guy. Never bring him home always to their place. When the timing is right then mention the kid but don't ask him to meet the kid. If he wants to he'll ask.

tiajoka · Answer

If you find a good guy, hell treat the kid like his own. You just can't afford to be shallow and go after looks and coolness is all. Mothers have different obligations for relationships. Look at how men act around kids, and pay attention to how he treats you.

Liam_Hayden · Answer

Most men are biologically programmed to expend their resources on themselves, their offspring, and the mother of their offspring. Because of this, while there are exceptions to the aforementioned, your best bet is reciprocation by finding a man who has a child or children and who would like to find a mother for them. Your assuming the role of mother of his child (ren) can overcome his normal biological imperative.

one1wild00 · Answer

Just like with everyone else, there is someone out there that will spark the dry tinder of passion and a good relationship. like with the rest of us it will HIT with the speed and force of an open desert freight train ad you won't know what has happened till you are IN that relationship with a guy who also adores your daughter.

Anonymous · Answer

It’s going to be VERY hard with same age guys. Most aren’t ready to be a dad and don’t need to be a dad. Even if you and your child are great there’s just very little incentive for them to jump into a relationship with you vs someone else. This is perhaps especially true for guys in college many of whom may see kids as being a decade away.

True_Sage · Answer

single moms have the stink of unfaithful selfishness on them. It's all about their kid and chances are they don't want more. No good man wants a single mom. It's only a desperation move. We all know they're petty judgmental and can't compromise. Red flag.

David_Kek · Answer

Find a single dad. If you want to find a guy that's prepared to raise someone else's child, you may have to consider doing the same.
Or find a really desperate pathetic guy you view as being beneath you, that's good too.

Bananaman177 · Answer

Just date Indian guys. They will be happy to date you and even happier to date your child, lol.

Friend29 · Answer

Don't hide your routine and don't keep a secret about your daughter. Your routine itself will find you the best. If you want to find someone true to you then don't go into physical relation with that person too early.

Pejtu · Answer

You can't  You will find someone to fuck with but nothing more  Nobody guy wants to deal with single mom with kid

Sarahplus2 · Answer

Date guys who are older than you. I am 25 with 2 nine yo boys. I met someone recently who is 34.

zagor · Answer

Might have to go for a guy a bit older than you otherwise would. Most guys in early 20's don't want to deal with a kid.

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