I had a disagreement with my boyfriend over a guy friend who’s in the wrong?

[Helppleasemaybe]

So my boyfriend started being really cold with me and distant yesterday he didn’t even say a single word to me until I asked him why he was so quiet and then he said that the group chat that I made with my guy friend, my boyfriend, and me made him uncomfortable and that that friend made him uncomfortable because I told him that he has had feelings for me for 3 years last month but that we are just friends I also explained to him recently that that friend has had a girlfriend and is always asking me to set him up with other girls and that I don’t think he has feelings for me anymore. After that I just felt really sad because of how distant he was being with me, how I felt like he didn’t trust me, and how I didn’t do anything wrong so out of my control my tears started falling I went to the kitchen and then to the bathroom to try to just let it out but as I went back to the couch with him more tears came out which I didn’t mean to happen. And he started saying that he was so stupid and that he was so sorry I asked him if those two girls that cheated on him had a different personality and he said that they couldn’t be any more different than me and I also told him that I’ll only ever be interested in him which is true. He was also rubbing his eyes and I saw his face get red for a second I think that he was crying I gave him a bunch of kisses when I noticed. That was last night I woke up today with my heart still feeling a little heavy and I told my boyfriend that I just want a few hours of space today and he kept writing me paragraphs about how sorry he was and I told him that i love him and forgive him too. Also another thing was that last week I told him that i decided to still be friends with the guy ( that I had to unfriend a month ago because my boyfriend felt uncomfortable) and he reacted in a sweet way saying that he trusted me and then yesterday when I made a group chat with me, that friend, and my boyfriend he started being distant.

Updates

+1 y

I also told him many times that I’m not attracted to black guys my friend is a black guy

Updates

+1 y

He knows that I don’t have many friends and he kept on telling me that he trusts me but if he actually did then why was he uncomfortable?

[Phoenix98]

I'd probably feel the same way to be honest ( as your boyfriend ) I'd be pretty uncomfortable with my girlfriend being friends with a guy who's had feelings for her for 3 years.

At the very least you should not do group chats where you boyfriend and this dude are in the same chat group. It obviously makes him really uncomfortable and even a little jealous. Which I get I'd probably feel the same way if any of my partners were friends with a guy that had fucked em, dated em or had feelings for them in the past.
I wouldn't want to talk or be friends with them either.

Even if I did trust them it wouldn't change the fact that it'd make me uncomfortable and that's not really something he can control. I'm not saying you have to stop being friends with this guy but at least compromise and keep the two separate.

Relationships are about compromise so talk with him and find a solution that works for both of you. Or make a decision on what's more important your boyfriend or this guy but your gonna have to make one of these two choices eventually.

[Helppleasemaybe]

Me and this guy have never had a romantic relationship we’ve just been friends and been there for each other he doesn’t have feelings for him anymore

[Helppleasemaybe]

So your saying that I should let my boyfriend control who my friends are?

[Helppleasemaybe]

This guy is pretty much my only true friend

[Phoenix98]

I know I was just saying that because all the examples I mentioned would fall into the same category of uncomfortable ( for me )

Still you have to put yourself in his shoes and how he feels and consider that. It's a relationship it's not just about you and it's not just about him.

And also I was at one point in the same position as your friend and it drove this girls friend absolutely crazy and made him really jealous simply because we talked, laughed and enjoyed each others company. Just saying it can wreck havoc if left unchecked.

[Helppleasemaybe]

He already apologized a bunch of times and promised that he would never act that way again

[Helppleasemaybe]

And told me that he wants to be friends with the guy

[Phoenix98]

But you said he started feeling that way again correct?

And no I never said you had to let him control who your friends are I just said to consider his feelings and how he feels. As in put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[Helppleasemaybe]

No he used to. And I wouldn’t know how I would feel

[Helppleasemaybe]

All I know is that I shouldn’t let him control my friendships so early because then it’ll just be a toxic relationship

[Phoenix98]

You are listening but you aren't.

I agree with you that you shouldn't let anyone control who your friends are but what I am saying is just don't make him do group chats with you and your friend if it makes him uncomfortable, just keep the two separate if you can that way he fees more at ease.

That's all I'm saying.

[Helppleasemaybe]

I tried to delete the group chat on snapchat but it didn’t let me

[Helppleasemaybe]

I just apologized about the group chat and how i didn’t mean to make him uncomfortable or worry

[Phoenix98]

Well you've done all you can for the time being then only thing you can do is give it time.

[KrakenAttackin]

@helppleasemaybe "So your saying that I should let my boyfriend control who my friends are?" To a certain extent YES. Just as you would not (should not) tolerate your boyfriend having the hot little female as his "friend".

THIS is a part of being in a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP.

[KrakenAttackin]

@helppleasemaybe "This guy is my only true friend". Be careful with this statement. A girl who only has "guy friends" is a huge red flag to any guy who has been around the block.

[Helppleasemaybe]

@KrakenAttackin he is my only guy friend

[Helppleasemaybe]

I’m not even outgoing I’m a very shy introverted girl with strict parents

[Helppleasemaybe]

@KrakenAttackin I don’t think that he’ll ever give up a friend for me me and my friend have never been romantically involved and I’m not attracted to black guys

[SwordShield]

@Phoenix98 I hate to sound like a white knight when I'm really not, but I'll give you a bit of advice. The truth is that if you feel that your relationship is within jeopardy due to only the fact that your girlfriend is having nice relations with another man, you need to check yourself out.

You must make your girlfriend desire you through improving yourself as a man. Make her not want to leave you, but don't do it through fancy or expensive gifts. Do it through making her feel loved, giving her emotional support, etc.

If you do act that way and keep your woman away from her friends, she will see the insecurity you hold and will grow to dislike you. This is nothing about "submitting" to your woman, but being respectful to her and keeping her happy as she keeps you happy.

[Helppleasemaybe]

@SwordShield I would never want to leave him he is the love of my life. I have never had feelings for this friend and we have never been romantically involved his overthinking was over nothing

[SwordShield]

Of course, and I'm not saying that would happen @helppleasemaybe , but I'm just talking to this Phoenix guy. Perhaps you can talk to him using my points? In these situations you need to be firm and strong with your man.

[Phoenix98]

@SwordShield With respect I don't need nor require your advice it is not warranted nor wanted.

You know nothing about me, my life or what I do, so don't presume that you do much less how I engage and interact with the opposite sex much less my partners.

You claim to not be a white knight yet that is exactly what you are doing. Interrupting and butting your way into a conversation you were not part coming to a girls aid, thinking you know better.

[SwordShield]

That is because I do know better. I do not come to the girls aid, but rather to unpretentiously help people.

I hate to sound disrespectful here, but do you have any points to refute my argument other than "you're a white knight"? You did come onto this site to converse, didn't you?

[SwordShield]

Actually, forgive me. I didn't mean to sound so sure of myself. I do believe I do know better, but am up to learn.

[Phoenix98]

@SwordShield Your first statement is only proving my point.

If that's what you want.

1# I never once stated for her to give her friendship or let her boyfriend control who she's friends with, quite the opposite actually. I told her to talk about with her partner and find a compromise that works for both of them and to if anything keep her boyfriend and the guy separate like not forcing him to be in a group chat with her friend since it makes him uncomfortable, I also told her not to let him control who's she friends with.

2# I've spent my entire life improving myself and continue to do so. From the age of 7 onward I've experienced nothing but hardships.

broken hearts and being used and manipulated including a girl I was with who was just with me until she could work up the courage to be with the guy she loved.

betrayal by countless people I thought were friends

bullies and being bullied horribly

verbal abuse

major depression

Suicide attempt

getting ganged up on, jumped and attacks by 3-4 people at once

haunted and tormented by a demon for several days

killing my own emotions and becoming cold hearted and even cruel, in an attempt to never let anyone in again and becoming a person people would not mess with due to how much I was hurt and broken.

teaching myself restraint and quelling my violent and explosive anger issues I used to have that led to a lot of people being hurt physically and verbally. To a point that now I a rarely ever get angry and am able to almost perfectly control my anger so that I never put my hands on someone who hurt them again.

[Phoenix98]

@SwordShield

going down the difficult path of becoming a martial artist and fighter, lifting and training so hard that I have literal scars on my hands so that I would never become a victim again.

cutting myself off from liquor and alcohol because I was becoming alcoholic so cut myself off before I went down a path I couldn't recover from.

almost dying on 3 separate occasions one of which the doctors said it was a miracle I survived.

dealing with my best friend who suffered from unimaginable and horrible trauma slowly unravel over the course of years, drawing him back from the brink of suicide and depression more times then I can count until he blew his own head off.

Shall I go on? Because there's plenty more. I've spat in the face of and beat every single obstacle and hardship put in my path since I was a child and used every opportunity to build up and improve myself in some way.

3# I'm not only a really good poet and writer but I'm also a classical trained painter, a real renaissance man, I don't need fancy or expensive gifts to attract or gain desire from a woman.

4# Anyone who knows me in real life or really well knows I am one of the most supportive, kind, nicest, selfless and most caring people you will ever meet among other things.

5# I put everything I have into a relationship when I'm with someone I'm the best version of myself I can possible be and I've been royally fucked over every single time to the point that I took a break from women for 4-5 years.

6# I have never acted in such a way, nor have I or would I ever make my partner get rid of a friend. I always act with respect towards my partner (s) and always do my best to make them happy.

[Phoenix98]

@SwordShield

7# I came to this site originally to answer questions, ask them and converse with folks, that was 6 years ago in 2013. Most of the people I converse with have left the site with only a handful remaining on here.

Is that a good enough counter argument for you? If you learn anything from this it's not to judge a book by it's cover for you never know it's contents.

[SwordShield]

We are one in the same, friend. I've had a hard life too.

[SwordShield]

Look, dude, I didn't "judge" you by your cover. I judged you by what you said and presented yourself as. I'll say that I only did a quick read through and that part is on me, but don't get mad that I judged you on what was presented.

[Phoenix98]

@SwordShield I never said you did. What I said about judging a book by it's cover was a general statement not directed towards anyone specifically.

But the statement itself is still relevant you took what you saw on the surface and took it at face value and instead of asking, you accused, instead of inquiring you assumed. In that sense you judged what you saw on the cover. That's the point I'm making.

I'm not mad, I'm tired which is why I'm trying to get through this as quickly as possible because I need to get to sleep.

[SwordShield]

True man. This got heated way too quick. Lets both calm and just put this convo behind us.

[Phoenix98]

@SwordShield lol I’ve been calm this entire time ^_^ but I agree I was about to end it anyway, I need sleep.

[KrakenAttackin]

@SwordShield Wrong. Tolerating bad behaviour creates more bad behaviour.

[SwordShield]

@KrakenAttackin How is it bad behaviour to let your girl have a social life?

[KrakenAttackin]

Why do you need a "guy friend and a boyfriend?

[KrakenAttackin]

@SwordShield Wrong. Your solution will do nothing but enslave you to women. Men need to hold women accountable for half of the relationship. Women need to put in as much effort and sacrifice as men do.

Do not tolerate bad or indifferent behaviour by women as this is their biggest form of shit testing.

[SwordShield]

@KrakenAttackin Indeed, women need to be held accountable, but why would it "enslave" me to a woman to let her have a few friends?

Preventing her from having friendly relationships would do nothing but show blatant insecurity and weakness. Do you have any actual good points instead of that?

Why do you not hold yourself accountable in the relationship? Should your woman prevent you from having girl friends?

[SwordShield]

@KrakenAttackin I really don't think you understand that a relationship is built on mutual love, respect, and trust in one another. Times are changing. Women are smart enough to see your bullshit m8.

[winterfox10]

I'm gonna say something that will seem cutting, but I promise that I am trying to help you grow as a person.

Even going beyond the concept of who is right and wrong, let's look at the facts of this situation: you have a friendship that your boyfriend feels is uncomfortably close, and you are defending the friendship, saying that it's a question of your boyfriend's trust.

This is not a question of trust, this is a question of how involved you are letting this other person become in your relationship with your boyfriend.

This is a question of the blurred (or perhaps even the lack of) boundaries you place on your male friendships/relationships. You don't think this is a big deal because you like having friends. But the reason you don't have a lot of other friends is because you aren't placing healthy boundaries with people.

[Helppleasemaybe]

That’s not why it’s because I’m very shy and quiet

[Helppleasemaybe]

This friend had feelings for me at some point but not anymore that’s why he was uncomfortable because that friend used to have feelings for me but me and that friend have a lot of history so it’s hard to just stop being friends he’s my only true friend. The only reason I made that group chat was because my friend was begging me to for so long I don’t like group chats

[winterfox10]

I’m not going to tell you what’s what in a situation that I know very little about. All I can tell you is why your boyfriend thinks this is sketchy as hell, and why your friend has chosen to stick around despite having feelings for you at one time. I’m just trying to warn you that your friend’s insistence on having a group chat with your boyfriend is weird, and that it is entirely possible that your friend is not the friend you think he is.

[Helppleasemaybe]

You think that he’ll betray me? My dad said something similar. But me and this friend have been friends for 3 years his mom died and I was one of the only people that was there for him he’s always there for me and he’s just a really good person and friend. Everything is okay now my boyfriend apologized a million times I apologized too but he insisted that he was the one in the wrong and that he was just being an idiot, and he also told me that he would love to have my friend as his friend too even from 80 years from now

[Helppleasemaybe]

Everything is okay now.

[winterfox10]

Your boyfriend is apologizing because he recognizes that you value your friend a great deal. I don't think that you'll friend will betray you, per say, but I do think that he has something that he isn't telling you.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Don’t do the group chat thing. Makes your boyfriend uncomfortable. Talk to your guy friend separately.

[Helppleasemaybe]

He said it was that but what actually made him uncomfortable was that ny friend had feelings for me i should have never told him that but my friend doesn't have feelings for me anymore and he told him that

[Gwenhwyfar]

Still best to keep your friend and your boyfriend separate. Your boyfriend is uncomfortable talking to him and a little jealous.

[TadCurious]

Your boyfriend is jealous. That's an indicator of how much you mean to him. But it's also not well-founded jealousy because of all the explaining you've done about this guy friend and how he is truly just a friend. But your boyfriend can't get out of his head that this guy friend had romantic feelings for you at one time. I think your boyfriend knows that this is a "him problem" (meaning it's your boyfriend's issue) and that he doesn't rationally have anything to worry about. My suggestion would be to not bring up your guy friend or do group chats with him and your boyfriend.

[sensible27]

I think you're wrong to some extent. Or his point is more valid... If someone has feelings for you, their interest doesn't really align with your boyfriends. It just is or seems like conflict of interest... This is why (also why) people don't like it when their friend makes friends or becomes friends with people they don't like or people that don't like them. I am not sure who's right or wrong but his feelings don't seem out of the ordinary...

[Massageman]

So the question is really about trust/belief/trust/jealousy. Even if we "prove" to our boyfriend or girlfriend that we only have feelings for them, in everyone, there will be that little grain of doubt, and can that can turn into jealousy.

That little grain of doubt is planted because of our sin nature as humans. "For you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way? " 1Cor 3:3

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Yeah, take space from your boyfriend, he needs to realize that
you need friends and no matter whom they are, your just friends
with them and he needs to place trust and stop being insecure.

[Helppleasemaybe]

But he’s always saying that he trusts me?

[COMMODOREII]

He needs to get over it. My 1st girlfriend and i still love each other. We are more like family. And i love all of my girl friends we are always flirting and saying things like that to each other. Nothing wrong with it.

[Helppleasemaybe]

I don’t flirt with other guys at all that is wrong

[COMMODOREII]

Your choice

[Slim57]

Opposite sex friends in a relationship are just nothing but trouble

[OddBeMe]

Which guy would you choose to stay in contact with, minus everything else. Sounds like you’ll have to choose.

[KrakenAttackin]

There is no future in having opposite gender "friends". Your boyfriend should not tolerate this.

[Helppleasemaybe]

Why do men think like this?

[KrakenAttackin]

It's only in recent times that any men or women had what they claim to be real "friends" of the opposite gender. It is one thing to be "friendly" with men, but to claim them as "friends" (as in someone you share very personal details of your life with, and call upon in times of trouble, etc. This is just not appropriate when you have a committed relationship.

[Helppleasemaybe]

But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m loyal

[KrakenAttackin]

But your loyalty will ALWAYS be suspect. Also, having opposite gender "friends" is most often a female's "friend zone bench" for when she dumps the current boyfriend and wants to immediately jump to the next man.

If you want a committed relationship than you have to have and respect boundaries. By always having other men around you create instability within your own relationship, whether you realize it or not. Think about it: if your boyfriend had a hot little female "friend" he regularly went out with, shared details of your relationship with, etc., would this make you feel more secure?

None of this is really that hard when you use common sense for a few seconds.

[Helppleasemaybe]

We’ve always been there for each other and friend’s for years i was even there for him when his mom died. I can’t give that up

[Helppleasemaybe]

I love my boyfriend but he should know who I am I’m a very shy girl and I will only love him and only him

[Helppleasemaybe]

He is the only true friend that I have I don’t really have friends

[SwordShield]

Dude, I'm just gonna say this here and now. A boyfriend telling his girlfriend that she cannot see her male friends is the ultimate sign of instability and insecurity. Honestly, if you got dumped by a woman for her friend, chances are you gotta work on yourself to make yourself a desired man. Women don't dump people for no reason.

[KrakenAttackin]

I disagree. You have been conditioned to accept bad behaviour by women.

[SwordShield]

Ha! Conditioned? Friend, I'm not as gentlemanly as you think.

[SwordShield]

If a woman hit me, I'd certainly hit back.