Is it bad that I feel tempted by men that approach me even though I’m in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few years now. I love him. But I can honestly say, the dude is fucked up. He has anxiety, depression, mild autism, low self esteem, and he might also have undiagnosed bi-polar disorder because it runs in his family. He’s a mess, but I am also a mess as well, but when we’re together we support each other. Due to COVID we’ve been separated. I’ve only been able to see him twice in the past 4 months. When we’re separated he usually goes to shit. His family is very toxic and he usually ends up very depressed when he’s around them and without me. Lately his endless depression has just been becoming annoying. It’s frustrating trying to have a long distance relationship with someone who’s constantly moping. And he’s so insecure he won’t FaceTime me or even send me a picture of him self. I go out everyday to walk and get exercise, and I get approached by lots of men everyday. Sometimes I get approached by very handsome guys. I always reject them and tell them I have a boyfriend, but afterwards I always imagine what it’d be like to date one of them instead. I just want a normal relationship. It’d be nice to date a handsome guy who doesn’t have a variety pack of mental illnesses.

[Jamie05rhs]

This is actually a valid question. It's a good topic to discuss, I think.

I am mixed in my opinion on the matter. On the one hand, you aren't married yet, so it's perfectly fine to consider breaking up with this dude and going out with someone else. You're not obligated to stay. But on the other hand, you guys do have a connection, and it seems like you're good for each other when you're actually able to see each other. And there's something to be said for loyalty and being there for your partner even during the bad times.

[Jamie05rhs]

However, I do need to say that he needs to seek professional help if he isn't already. Because he won't have a good life without it whether you're with him or not. And you guys won't have as happy of a relationship as you could have.

[Asker]

He definitely needs professional help, and I’ve advised him to see a therapist. At best I managed to get him to see our campus counselor a few times. I really do love him, but it gets really hard sometimes. His issues make so many normal things seem like a huge challenge. For example he got mad at me last year for throwing him a small surprise party FOR HIS BIRTHDAY. He’s a pretty introverted, so all I did was buy his favorite foods and set up a projector so he could play his favorite video games with his closest friends on a giant screen. And he got mad at me. He somehow manages to ruin every birthday, anniversary, and Valentine’s Day for me. He either starts a fight over something stupid, or gets overwhelmed and ends up not buying me a gift or even acknowledging the special day. He doesn’t like going out. We’re in our senior year of college and we’ve only been to one party together. One time my best friend from back home came to visit and we had a whole outing planned out and he refused to go for pretty much no reason at the last second. Everything with him is like pulling teeth.

[Jamie05rhs]

Oh. Well, if I could make a suggestion: he may just be the type of person that doesn't like surprises. You should try to talk to him before planning things; that way he'll feel like he's part of the process instead of having things just thrust upon him. I say that from my own personal experience.

[Jamie05rhs]

Also, is your college counselor an actual licensed psychologist? Do they know what they're doing? Do they care about the individual students? Because I know that some are really great, but some are not.

[Asker]

I believe she is a licensed psychologist. I’ve had some appointments with her myself, but she doesn’t seem very good at her job. I’ve been in and out of therapy since like 9th grade, and she’s might be the worst therapist I’ve ever seen. But it’s something at least, and he thinks she’s a good fit for him. And I only through him the surprise party because he had told me how sad he was as a kid because his parents never threw him birthday parties.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. Well, from what you're telling me, he may be better off seeing someone else as far as therapy is concerned.

And I understand; it was a good thought. Maybe he was just referring to his experience as a child but he didn't mean that that was something he wanted in the present day.

[Anonymous]

Guys, above is simply the written version of the below diagram...

[Asker]

What?

[Anonymous]

It isn't bad to be tempted; it is bad to act on that temptation. Unless you wait until after you break up with your current boyfriend. You need to sit down and seriously consider if you still want to be with him or not. Otherwise you'll probably succumb to temptation and only add to his problems.

[Konabeana]

You should probably break up with him if you feel that he is keeping you from being happy. If he truly cares about you, he would want you to be happy but from the sound of it, it doesn’t sound like you are very happy.