Should you start off as friends with a girl you like?

[Rocknroll93]

I really don't understand this. Almost everybody said they got a girlfriend/boyfriend as friends first, or they were friends before they started dating. I dont get it. is it like When Harry met Sally all of a sudden, that same concept? If you really like someone, why would you want to be their friend just to date them? One of my friends who's a girl told me she met her boyfriend as friends and then they became a couple. Just like that? how the f*** did she not get friend zoned? (If thats even real) And even if i did ask a girl out, would she think just grabbing coffee would mean "hanging out as friends", not a date? I dont get it. Im this close to punching someone repeatedly

[btbc92]

Yes you should. You learn to be friend and to love that person. Guys who have your attitude automatically get so cold friend zone even though there's no such thing as a friend zone, because we know exactly what you want. Sex. That's it. We know you just want booty. You know you basically want to tap that. So why again should we date somebody with your attitude. A lover should also be a best friend. Many of us wants relationships that those in their 80s and 90s have. 50 years of marriage. And many already were friends or were childhood lovers.

If a girl basically wanted sex, of course she would give you her #on the fly, automatically date you. Unless she is just seeking entertainment, she's more like we're just looking to hop in bed with you automatically. But then if you don't want say you got a romance them first. At the end of the day again, if you just looking for sex, then just go out to anybody that Weekly want sex. But when you looking for a relationship, don't complain about why you have to do certain things. Relationship takes work. Everything isn't all about sex. And if your first priority is basically about sex. Then of course you're not going to be a great partner. You just going to be a sex partner.

I believe in being friends first because I need to see compatibility. I would rather weed out the good ones from the bad ones instead of wasting my time dating multiple guys and have all this baggage. If he doesn't agree to that then obviously he already showed what kind of person he is and he already made room for somebody else that's more acceptable and worth my time.

Plus you can't just like somebody without even really getting to know them. So it's obvious your primary focus is sexual in nature. You might as well just say that you want sex and that's it don't lie to a girl. So again if you basically just want sex, continue to do what you're doing. But if you're looking for something serious, then you better learn to let go of those selfish desires and actually learn to build Relationships with people.

[Dongtai]

You bring up sex a lot in your answer but he never mentioned it. Your parents had sex and got you. Why is it a bad thing if a guy who shows interest in you potentially wants to have sex?

Did you know it’s very possible for a man to want to have sex AND get to know you on a deep and intangible level? Sex isn’t supposed to be this signal that a man has bad intentions or is bad by nature. Being sexually attracted to someone isn’t a bad thing. But if sex is all you see a person for THEN you have a problem. But again you can be sexually drawn to someone while also being drawn to them as a person.

[btbc92]

Because six have none to do with love. It is out of love that when you have sex then you are able to connect with a person. First of all my parents had had me out of wedlock. They fornicated out of marriage, and that's one of the main reason why they got married because they already had me.

The truth is no. If a man really wants to get to know me he would want to get to know me. That's what you were really crossed his mind. I have met men personally offline as well as online who actually showed us levels. So I know a person that actually does. Nobody said anything about being sexually attracted to a person is a bad thing. But that it should not be the main thing that you should look at. You had to develop a good solid relationship and foundation with a person. Because if you don't then you're going to end up with a lot of problems and heartache.

First of all I don't see that in a person has why a lot of people don't want a bottle of me in the first place because they don't see me as somebody that is supposedly on the same level as them. First of all if you're sexually drawn to a person that has to do with lust. That has nothing to do with attraction. I know because I know both. I know the difference. I had crushes before. I have guys that crushed on me. And my precious was not sexual but purely loving and sincere.

[btbc92]

Of course he's not going to mention it because again that's his primary drive. If you say you're not going to ever have sex with that person you can bet they're not going to want to be with you. The potentiality to have sex is safe for marriage. You and I already had this discussion and you are if I remember correctly, is a fornicator. It has nothing to do with that. It's so before you want to talk about how I got to this world I highly suggest you don't speak. Because one of the top main reasons why I live the life of domestic abuse, and a dysfunctional household. You know nothing how I came to this world I came to this world in sin. And in truth no you cannot. Either you're going to have sex with that person or you really want to get to know them. If you're going to want to get to know them then sex is not going to really be on your mind. It doesn't mean that's not what you going to eventually desire. But it would not be your main focus. So come on I'm not stupid.

[btbc92]

The way how you people have sex is not healthy. I had met real men who really cared. But the difference is is that I'm not looking for that kind of relationship. I am the one that keeps getting hurt and gets a prude or asexual just because I don't desire such a relationship. That doesn't make me any of those things. But that I know where my priority is and I know better better to have self-control and self-discipline. A person that wants to get to know you are drawn by your spirit they're drawn by your soul. It has nothing to do with your physical appearance it has nothing to do with sex. It's not sexual desire first, get to know you later or maybe. That is not how sex works. It's you just driven by lust. That's what you call sexual perversion in your own sexual character. And many of you people have darkness and sexual perversions in your sexual character. I don't have those things because I kept myself sexually clean as possible both in Body Mind and Spirit. So don't bring up my family and don't bring up my past. Because of their own sexual choices is why I'm also suffering as an adult. Your sexual choices effects other people. And I'm not going to be with a person who's going to screw up my life because he can't control what goes on between his legs.

[btbc92]

And I'm only telling the truth that a lot of you men don't want to admit. Cuz I tell you one thing I am sick of the lies a lot of guys trying to tell me. Because now what if you're not able to have sex you still want to stick around or are you going to masturbate or try to find ways to get something to satisfy yourself? Either you want one or the other. You want to have both then you get married. But love you don't want to get married you just want to screw around, and take Life as a joke. And if you already sexually miserable because of the sexual choices you make anyone to make other sexually miserable alone with you. I know my worth as a woman and I know I deserve better.

[Dongtai]

I’m not religious. So the sex outside of marriage thing isn’t a factor for me in choosing a partner. I do know how important sexual chemistry is when it comes to passion in a relationship. Without passion a relationship won’t last unless both partners have absolutely no sexual desires.

I don’t know anything about your parents and I didn’t point out you were made through sex to offend or hurt you. I’m sorry if that’s the way it sounded. What I was getting at is everyone is here because of a sexual act. Fortunately most of us were made on purpose. That kind of thing shouldn’t be looked at as taboo.

My main point is a man can be sexually and emotionally attracted to a woman. It doesn’t have to be one or none. And it boggles my mind when women say things like that because it creates a self fulfilling prophecy that can’t be corrected. Sex is completely natural. It’s OK for a man to find a woman sexually attractive and the fact is 9/10 a man will notice a woman and choose to meet a woman because her physical appearance caught his attention.

That doesn’t mean that’s all he sees. But your body is part of who “you” are. It plays a factor in how people perceive you. For heterosexual men it plays a role in whether or not they’d consider finding out if they want a life long commitment with you. For friendship it’s not a factor. But dating and marriage?

Sorry. It’s a factor. Looks play a role in who we choose to date and marry. That’s not to say that’s all that matters. Personality does too. I won’t commit to a woman who has nothing but her looks going for her. I want a woman who’d make a great wife and mother. Looks aren’t going to help me raise healthy, smart and happy children

[btbc92]

See that's the problem with you people. That's the major problem with you people. You say you're not religious but this has nothing to do with religion man! This has nothing to do with religion! You people need to get that out of your heads and start waking up to the real world before you destroy yourselves!

This is why I thank God that he has kept me all this time because your people would end up destroying me and you're destroying yourself.

Buddy sexual chemistry has nothing to do with it. Passion have nothing to do with it. You have been sexually polluting yourself would nonsense that is not true. You have been deluding yourself that is not true! And I will prove to you how you are wrong as a virgin that's how I know you know nothing about sex. You're just having it and you are still ignorant of it. You're even ignorant of love because you don't even know love from how you're speaking.

Number one: there is no such thing as sexual chemistry. Just like I tell people there is no such thing as chemistry. You make chemistry happen. It's a personal desire you choose to make with that individual or you don't. It's a choice. That is something you choose to have when you are married because that is how God made it. He designed you to be a sexual human being but there are rules. And those rules are there for a reason. When you choose to go out of God's will you destroy and you hurt yourself. And you end up hurting others along with you. That's how I got into this world. Because of the negligence of my own parents decisions. That's lust. They did not have me out of love, but out of lust. The moment they ended up meeting each other ONCE, was a moment I end up being conceived into this world. That's it. It affected my life in many ways I can never imagine.

[Dongtai]

Relax. This is an important conversation. We’ll understand eachother better the more we talk and share our thoughts. Follow me. I’ll follow you. I don’t think this is a one night conversation but I do want to understand your perspective better. That’s how we keep people from destroying themselves and eachother. Understanding and vulnerability.

I’m going to bed but I would really like to continue this conversation another time.

[btbc92]

Number 2: passion has zero to do with it. That's lust. You are a man of lust. So I cannot expect you to speak of the things of love because there's no love in you. All it is , is lust. And sex is not what you think it is. Lust is not love. It's destructive. And my married friends who waited till marriage to have sex can tell you very much that you are wrong. They did not get married with that lost. They never had lost. Or sexual chemistry or passion. Or any of that nonsense. They learn to love each other. And now many of them have been married for years, they have healthy sex life, and they have children now of Their Own. Some of them are not even what you consider so called religious. No you don't hurt me by the words you say. You hurt me with your ignorance and you try to make me out like I'm stupid that I don't know anything. Just because I'm a virgin it doesn't mean I don't have knowledge I know a lot more than you actually think I do.

But either way how you sound oh, there's no way you going to be able to have a great wife and a mother if you have that kind of stuff in your system. You won't be too polluted sexually That You Don't See you're damaging and hurting yourself. That kind of level of being is what's going to destroy your relationships and marriage. You just go to create another generational curse because you haven't been delivered from them things. You don't even believe in God.

[btbc92]

All I can say is that you don't need to understand my perspective you need to understand God's perspective and that's through the Bible. Either you choose to pick up the Bible and ask God for understanding or continue to live your life and make your own decisions. And I will continue to live mine. I can only hope you understand before it is far too late. That's all.

[Dongtai]

I’m taking a marriage and family relationships class. Passion is part of the love triangle. There’s commitment, intimacy and passion. You can call it none sense if you want but there’s a reason why divorce rates are so high. Most people don’t know how to build and maintain a healthy relationship.

I actually have read the Bible. This is why I stopped going to church. Christians are extremely judgmental even though the Bible preaches against it. I never said I didn’t believe in God. I said I wasn’t religious. I’m spiritual. Organized religion turns me off. There’s too many hypocrites and judgmental people. You’re ready to write me off because our ideologies don’t line up. Jesus didn’t turn his back on anyone though.

[btbc92]

You don't need marriage class you need deliverance. And you need the Lord. No the Bible makes it very clear specially in 1st Corinthians chapter 1 that you have to love yourself. I know I do and I'd say what I had to say in the things of the Lord. No divorce rate is so high because a lot of you people are selfish and you don't love yourself. Besides making sexual choices that affect your marriages. Passion is not part of the love triangle. Passion is what you decide to make of it and you polluted that. You say that but then me while you could have been had all that stuff but you're fooling around sexually outside of marriage. No what it is that you said you're not religious but then you say your spiritual. That's not how a spiritual person speaks. I know because I'm a spiritual person. I have a strong relationship with Christ. But I know deep down you only want to hear what you want to hear a set of hearing your reality. I ain't talkin about organized religion. I'm talking about spiritual things I got laid out that you yourself choose to basically reject. You say you read the Bible but you the one that choose to go your own way. Not the way that Jesus tells you to walk. Because Jesus would not tell you to speak that way about sex nor the things of God that way and talk about how is judgmental.

[btbc92]

And you got that part very much wrong. That is commitment, intimacy, and love. Sex is born from love that you already have within you. Otherwise sex is just sex. And you're basing that on the context of lust. You're not basing that on a context of love that God had originally designed it. You don't need math class for that. You're either called for marriage or you're not for marriage. So as somebody who understands the repercussions especially of generational curses, I highly suggest you asked God to truly show you exactly how he wants you to be as a man and let him transform you into the godly man he desires for you to be and stop trying to do things your own way before you end up putting a curse on your whole family. Because any woman especially one that's spiritual is not going to want to be with somebody God forbid of your caliber because of your choices. They're not. Your mom wants to go to be attracting a worldly woman it's going to want what you want sexually. But 9 out of 10 times she's not going to convert into the things of God. Cuz you sound more carnal than spiritual.

[sejla]

To me hanging out as friends when you want to date someone feels a bit off especially if there is a strong attraction. I do think friendship is a component of a good relationship. One has to have enough like for the person not just love. The question is would you be friends with this person if you weren't in love with them. If the answer is no then the relationship is kind of doomed.

Now all that said friendships that happen naturally can transition to more but that has to kind of happen due to common interests and a large amount of time spent together.

[Dongtai]

I’ve dated plenty and have been in a fair share of relationships. None of them started out as friendships. I’ve never saw a girl I liked, went up to her and asked to be friends and ended up dating her later. It’s a waste of time and a good way to have another man sweep her from you while you’re “acting” like the friend.


People who say they started out as friends probably had no prior thought to “date eachother” before they ended up together and the attraction developed the more time they spent together. This can happen with coworkers, friends of friends, childhood friends, sibling friends, classmates. They know eachother but don’t see eachother romantically until they’ve actually spent time “together”. These aren’t people who see eachother while they’re running errands and “meet”.


But if you see someone out of the blue during your daily life, not presenting yourself as a person they could date but instead a friend is a bad idea. You can’t listen to girl advice about this because girls rarely are the ones to start a relationship. They aren’t approaching the guys and getting phone numbers. If you present yourself as a friend she might think of you as “just a friend” and end up dating a guy who presents himself as more than a friend.


Yes. It’s important to get to know someone. But people say that as if dating doesn’t happen. After I meet a girl I take her out and get to know her for a bit before I can decide if I like her. Being in a relationship is a form of friendship. You have all the characteristics of friendship but it’s deeper. It can lead to marriage and a family and of course exclusive sex is usually invoked. Most spouses will tell you that they’re best friends.




Tell her you like her from the beginning. Make it clear you want to date her. You will form a friendship as you’re dating but she will see you in a different way than her other friends.

[Searlas]

Same question asked here today.


Depends with the nature of a friendship, and in this argument, when I talk about FRIENDS, I MEAN AT LEAST ONE PARTY BEING ENTIRELY PLATONIC OR BOTH. Its different in friendships where parties are attracted to each other but aren't into a romantic relationship yet because of circumstances (e. g. still in other relationships) or where friends aren't ready to be in a relationship but they are attracted to each other.

Romantic relationships that could be realized between FRIENDS often end up stuck in friendzones by one or both parties. AFTER-FRIENDS relationships are normally based on conditional love and have a higher rate of failure. Proper romantic relationships start where at least one partner is sure of what he/she is after and brings the other on board building that friendship along. OR, two people who are already attracted to each other but non committal on terms. In respect to how our minds work, it very important to view the would be partner in a romantic way (being sexually attracted) not a brotherly or sisterly image if you seek a romantic relationship.

[TooDrunk4Sex]

i think the sweet spot is when there is some chemistry there and a connection so that the prospect of friend zone is not so likely and u hang out and have fun. but u dont jump directly into something exactly called a date with the vibe of a date and maybe even hang out together in social groups and not just one-on-one. there's something to that which seems to improve the odds a bit. i dont see it working without any chemistry tho. i think its because there's a social group and structure around it. it might also depend on the person becuz i always find that things heat up quickly once u date. its like u build something together over warmth before u set things on fire with laughter and fun and mutual friends and that seems to lay a foundation that lasts more often than diving right into the date

[TooDrunk4Sex]

maybe there is even some wisdom to the idea of holding off sex. but i have never been able to do that once we dated. things always heated up fast in my case. so my way of holding off sex was be friends with the girl first. but we are flirting and goofing around the whole time. it is obvious we like each other from the start

[TooDrunk4Sex]

maybe it is even like shitting where u eat but in a reasonably safe way. u introduce her to ur friends. she introduces hers. u guys all hang out together. chemistry is there. u go to each others birthdays, weddings, ur lives get intertwined. but because u didn't date her yet and because u haven't had sex yet, things aren't so complicated. u two are just having fun and getting 2 know each other even if its like u are both holding off on the date and u both know it. then after a good time passes, u ask her out. its almost a guaranteed yes cuz u two have been flirting the whole time. but u are bound already by that friendship and the social group u share. it is like a bit of pressure but a healthy type. it keeps u two intertwined

[Rocknroll93]

Well, next time i talk to a girl I like, im going to just think about being her friend and never ask her out. if that's what you're saying

[TooDrunk4Sex]

can hang out. have fun. flirt. i think it is less about friendship and maybe more about community. if u see successful couples who were friends first, they often shared friends too. they were part of a group. so it might not apply so much if it is like u just have one girl who is a friend u hang out with all the time one-on-one. maybe just going straight for the date is better in that case. my thinking is that the whole friend group thing simulates a natural sort of way of developing things like those rare childhood sweethearts who get together. jumping straight into date is probably slightly unnatural for us as species. we are probably more evolved with a community first kind of mindset. hanging out with mutual friends for a while, even with an obvious chemistry, probably simulates that better

[Bfly004]

Well people usually start off as a friends because it makes people feel less pressured. a lot of people have walls from previous relationships so someone asking someone out makes others want to run. This is why just being their friend showing you can be there for them usually allows growth creating a bond which allows you to want to see each other more which than turns into love.
Also, some people might just not be attracted to the other but once they become friends they do start liking each other

[Vicky_7402]

My boyfriend and I met in March. We started talking in instagram video calls with a couple friends and then eventually went off on our own and started talking by ourselves. We were just friends for a while after that. Then eventually we decided we both lacked physical intimacy and decided to become friends with benefits. That, as I'm sure you could tell, backfired a couple months later, but now we’re in a nice relationship and we’re both pretty happy. You have to learn about a person before you date them preferably. If you wanna have the intention of dating from the start, by all means go ahead it could work out great, but sometimes that could backfire and you realize you didn’t truly know the person. Either way, the best relationships aren’t meticulously planned. Just roll with it, vibe with her, and if things work out, thats great, if not you can always find someone else.

[winterfox10]

Yes, you definitely should start as friends; that's how you get to know the person and develop closeness with them. This idea that love is somehow instant is horrible in today's culture. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW AFTER MEETING SOMEONE ONCE. You can't know if someone is a lover that quickly, you just can't. In the months leading up to dating, you leave something unsaid in your interactions with the person; that builds up the love and tension. You don't get friend zoned because you feel chemistry with the person.

[Rocknroll93]

So when is the right time to ask a girl out?

[winterfox10]

A few months at least. Spend time with her, learn her little idiosyncrasies. Have the chance to see her on good and bad days

[Bandit74]

Its great when it works but I think it's a bad strategy overall. I don't think starting out as friends will make a girl more likely to sleep with a guy she otherwise wouldn't have considered fuckable. This means you are delaying the rejection even though the girl probably knew within 15 min of meeting you if you were fuckable. So the success rate is low and you are investing a lot of time, emotions and potentially money before getting your answer which makes it even harder to move on if she turns you down. I'd almost say you're better off trying for fuckbuddies first. Sure approaching for sex first has an even lower success rate but at least with that you get your answer immediately and can move on quicker.

[lifelearner011]

There's no right or wrong answer to this. I'd think will depend on "timing" and each person's personality and characters. Some women prefer friends first and others "chemistry and attraction", it will vary. The majority of guys I've met don't say I want to become your friend, they just are there. I only consider them friends once time has passed and have seen who they are by actions.

[Jamie05rhs]

What do you prefer, personally?

[lifelearner011]

@Jamie05rhs All aspects matter, yet friendship would be a healthy foundation.

[Jamie05rhs]

@lifelearner011 Okay.

[sheikalana]

Absolutely. That's the best way to start a potential relationship, getting to know each other first see if you truly share anything in common, become friends and then as time goes by you'll realize if you want things to develop into something serious or just remain friends.

[Rocknroll93]

I guess. But what if i want to ask her out?

[sheikalana]

Just ask her out.

[Rocknroll93]

I missed my chance with someone a few months ago :(. This girl who was a life guard. I tried getting to know her and being friendly as best as I could, but i let fear take over me. I was worried she would reject me because I didn't think we were "friends" enough

[sheikalana]

Don't be afraid of rejection, there's only two options here they either say yes or no and you just have to respect their wishes. At some point in life we have to take the risk and sometimes we get rejected and that's okay. We learn from it a try to improve. Something that women absolutely love in a man is confidence. Work on your self confidence.

[Rocknroll93]

Im just confused from what people say. It sounds like i can't ask a girl out unless we're actually friends. Or stay friends with girls no matter how much you think one is cute, keep it platonic. Don't ask them out at all.

[sheikalana]

Just follow your instinct.

[NewlonBett]

Everything is very difficult and not everyone goes so smoothly.
you can communicate, but personally I do not believe in friendship between a guy and a girl. It is possible only after they had something.. or it will definitely be later.
If you like a person, you do not need to hide it, and you will know the answer and will not be tormented by guesswork.
It's my opinion

[SphynxUK]

Start with the intention of dating if that’s what you want. Make your intentions clear so you do not become another friend.


Sometimes people meet as friends and then date. They didn’t fancy someone, and then become friends with the intention of dating, if you know what I mean.

[Anonymous]

I think it's super risky to do so actually. IF you were friends with someone and eventually feelings emerged that's different. BUT if you're into someone and you plan on asking them out do NOT go for the friend route because you will be stuck there forever. I've made that mistake far too many times. Get to know them yes but make your intentions clear earlier on because it might get too late if you wait for a friendship to develop first.

[btbc92]

To be honest, that nog true at all. If however your main problem was that you don't know how to be a friend but you are looking for more than just friends, than the initial problem is that your intent was not good in the first place. But that your intent was to have more than what the person may have been comfortable with somebody like you to begin with. At that situation, it wouldn't have mattered if he said in the beginning off you said it month 2 years later. A person can normally tell right off the bat if they would be interested in somebody like you. Compatibility is extremely important. And you won't be able to know all that compatibility unless you are friends first. There is no such thing as the friend zone. You got to get that out of your head. There is no such thing as the friend zone. How in the world you going to be good partners if you're not even best friends? Lover is also supposed to be a best friend. So if you have issues concerning with the guy that you try to pursue, think about the reason why you try to pursue them. I guarantee you you probably did not have logical reasons to pursue them in first place. That is the key. Intent. Does nothing risky about it if you in it for the right reasons. There's no such thing as being into somebody. Because now you're going based on your feelings, and hormones. Which can leave you into doing things that can cause problems.

[happy9]

That's true, you have to kind of know them before you enter into a relationship I think! As personalities most important to me! It's not all about looks to me! and it's going to be something there something special connection! and you normally do find a special connection with a friend!

[blutwolfe]

Ya but the friend phase is iffy, there was always chemistry there, it's like an extended flirting phase, like its a different kind of friends, like y'all basically learn about each other without commitment, hard to explain

[R3DthatDude]

To be honest that is a very good foundation, probably the best. The risk of course is that you just might lose your friend trying to start a romantic relationship. Make sure you have a very strong friendship.

[R3DthatDude]

Also remember you might have to watch her go out with other guys, so I’m not sure if you want to do that. I would ultimately suggest just shoot your shot

[Jersey2]

I’m old school, I hit on them and then date them. But... I’ve been married for a while so maybe things have changed. Wifey didn’t even like me when we met which made my attraction to her even stronger 😊

[Slime95]

Depends on you, its risky if you have the wrong approach because you might fall in the friendzone.. But no, you dont have to.. You can be straight up.

[Truthatanycost]

Treat her like a celebrity, and she will treat you like a fan...

[Minahh]

I mean if you are already friends and it develops into a relationship it's kinda cute but starting off as friends when you are clearly into each other is weird

[Posterboy56]

I don't get it either. If you really like someone romantically, they should make that known to each other. Not pretend to be "just friends."

[Rangers]

No, that's a stupid idea, that's how you get friendzoned for good. Never become friends with someone of the opposite sex

[COMMODOREII]

I usually do. I always become their friends first. It is easier to get to know each other and easier if we want to go the next step.