Why do some women feel attracted to broken men? What are your thoughts on a woman's instinct to heal or fix a partner?

[Apope16]

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was abused by my mother.

I recently met this girl on the dating app Bumble who is very odd but extremely beautiful. She got a masters in peace studies, went around the world in different countries caring for the sick and needy, now she is in my home town as a school peace builder.

She is an odd girl because she has a very direct and confrontational style. LIke me she is very direct and blunt. She is a very extroverted personality that initiates dates and conversation. When we first started talking she kept asking question after question until I started disclosing past trauma.

Well, recently she was very direct again. She said that I was bringing up too many references to "sex" and that it was making her uncomfortable. I asked her if I was creeping her out and she said "Yes."

I was crushed. Not going to lie. I got a panic attack and started crying after I texted her. At the time she told me I told her that I was upset. "That's not a good sign at all. Creeping you out is not okay." She asked if it was tied to my past sexual abuse and I said that perhaps my fixation on talking about sex was because of that. She told me "I get it" and then changed the subject. "We are going to be okay. We are good." I still felt like shit.

It was over. We were done.

She messaged me the next day excitedly. "How is your day?" I woke up confused by her text. Does she like me or just with me to fix me? And how can she still be with me after I talked to her in such a dirty sexual way?

I started thinking about my dating life. I realized that my broken and tortured soul genius nature seems to captivate women. I see this in other broken celebrity males. The tortured musician or writer who has some fucked up issues but women are drawn to them. What's up with that?

[ragequeen]

I tend to do that, because I'm an empath, and that's our job. I've attracted a lot of broken people in my life. I love to help, but almost in every situation, I end up feeling broken myself. It's overwhelming when you completely open your arms to someone and love them with everything you have to help them become better. But it doesn't work that way. When broken people fall in love, they suck the life out of you. Not intentionally. But they do. They want more help, more attention. More advice. It never ends. Even though I feel obligated to heal these people, I've learned it isn't my job. Broken people should not be in relationships. However, if you find someone who is willing to be with you despite your issues, don't be overwhelming to them. Give them space if they ask for it. Do favors for them. Give them attention too. But to answer your question, women especially do this because it's in our nature to be caregivers. We are nurturing. But some people like me are extreme empaths and take on the most difficult people. Some do it for the ego boost. If they helped someone get better, it makes you look and feel like a more powerful individual.

[Apope16]

I have a question. Is this something that you knowingly do? Or is this attraction something in the moment that you don't even realize?

[ragequeen]

I don't always realize it until I become overwhelmed.

[Barbaric]

I don't think that it's because she wants to fix you. With her chosen career path she's probably very high in empathy, which is why she can understand you. Or thinks she can at least. And is more willing to let it go than other women would. Most women can barely empathise with men at all.

She knows most men she meets want sex anyway. You were just blurting it out more than they do. There's nothing really shameful about you wanting sex either, that's just male nature. You were just making her uncomfortable by talking about it too much is all. But again once she let you know it made her uncomfortable you apologised and backed off so she knows you're not actually a creep at all.

I don't buy the idea that women like to fix guys, at all. They get with "broken" men despite the fact that they have problems, not because of it. I've experienced a lot of shit myself, lots of violence, a couple of near death experiences, and in a way I was broken. Maybe I still am a bit, I don't know, I deal with it a lot better now than I did when I was younger.

My girlfriend often mentions a time when we were in the initial stages of dating. I'm an introverted guy, when I first meet somebody I keep my cards close to my chest and reveal very little, so she was still trying to figure me out. But once I get some alcohol in me it all spills out like word vomit and that's what happened. But she liked me because despite having a bit of a dark side she saw that I was a genuinely good guy. It was for that reason she stayed, not because I was damaged but despite it.

Incels are some of the most damaged men to exist, but they're incels. Women aren't interested in fixing them because they have no attractive qualities at all right?

I even think that the idea of vulnerability is often confused. Some level of vulnerability is attractive to women, and to people in general including male friends, because it shows/creates a level of trust, a certain level of bonding, and it's a sign that you're genuine. Nobody wants somebody who is completely closed off. At the same time women don't want a vulnerable guy, and that's all he is - again, incels are these kinds of guys. They want a guy with attractive qualities (masculinity, strength, confidence) to be vulnerable with them sometimes.

[pajamasam]

Probably has something to do with the way we are taught gender roles when we are young. Im more familiar with the male counter to this same situation.

Men are often in a Protector/provider role. Even though its never outright demanded. It feels instinctual. To the point thay we will act insulted when a woman offers to pay for our meal instead of letting us pay. In reality we should be thrilled for a free meal but instead we feel like our gender role has been challenged. Of course its an over reaction but because we were raised in boy behaviors it feels like we should react that way even though we probably shouldn't.

I would guess that something about female gender roles, and the way that parents and family and friends interact with young girls probably influences this behavior in some way. Kind of like how I remember all of my male friends playing cowboyd and Indians on the playground, but girls rarely ever joined that game. Girls often played house or doctor or something with more complicated social rules as opposed to just reckless abandon of pretending to shoot each other.

Of course these gender roles get challenged more and more every day and a lot of what I described isn't the norm anymore and that's perfectly okay. I always try to remind myself that not all gender roles are bad. Some traditional gender roles can be extremely positive while others can be negative.

This one specifically I think is a catch 22. On one hand it can be a great way to form a close bond with a partner and establish and maintain trust. On the other hand its an easy way to open yourself up to being abused.

The same as a man's desire to be a protextor/provider. It can be a way to earn trust or to form strong bonds. But it can also be a way to lose control and see yourself become an evil dictator type personality.

Sorry for the rant. I couldn't help myself

[Screenwriter]

The only reason people are "fixers" is because THEY'RE broken and they're avoiding working on themselves and doing what they need to move themselves forward. I think most fixers experienced childhood traumas and haven't faced THEIR music.
These are not bad people: most are genuinely kind and helpful. But what they don't realize is THEY are in trouble and worse yet, you CANNOT FIX ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.
These women AND men are drawn to people who remind them of their families of origin and the problems they ran across there.
I know someone who had an alcoholic father who was inappropriate with his daughter in a variety of ways: not sexually.
She has been in three relationships with two violent men and one who was a blackout drunk. She makes excuses for their behaviors because she grew up in a household of "excuses." "Daddy's angry, tired, can't be bothered, drunk."
The third man was addicted to gambling. She is COMFORTABLE with men who are damaged because that is what she knew as a child. She hasn't been in a healthy relationship, nor is able to recognize one. She RECOGNIZES broken men and swoops in to "help" them as she "helped" her daddy.
This wastes HER time. But, since she's only in her 30s, she has a real chance to get on the right track and take care of herself.
Fixers don't think about how much THEY NEED.
And, by the way, it sounds like you're terribly needy. Why don't YOU get the help YOU need so you don't ATTRACT such women? Attract healthy women who will enjoy your time and company and who don't need to fix ANYTHING except a bowl of soup!

[mindNsoul]

If you like her maybe try to be right for yourself and her. Being abused is not a death sentence nor it is an excuse to act bad. I am sorry for your trauma but when someone or something good present itself in your life take it. You are thinking all wrong about this. Let her bring peace to your life let her love you and you do love her in turn if that was the intention here. Sexually abused victims tends to sometimes self sabotage relationships and not believing that they're worthy of true ginuine love. And that's not true. If you can afford therapy do take some sessions if not read and educate yourself to learn to how to break patterns and your relationship with sex.

To answer your question. I don't personally try to fix people who are broken. I'd help or advise but I don't get too invested and I don't help those who show me they're not willing to help themselves. I'm not into bad boys period. Having said that, if I was already in love with someone and than he revealed something traumatic to me than I'd definitely accept him. He is after all human and a victim. Again that's if he is willing to growth and puts the effort to grow. And if we are together.

[dandiecandie]

Well to help you with your story there, this girl is not trying to change you or fix you. She just acknowledges why you acted in such a sexual manner and understands where it's coming from and in doing so she understands that people are not perfect. And just because your past makes you imperfect, it doesn't mean that you are worthless to her. This girl is wise possibly an angel, possibly distant yet still guiding you! She understands your behaviour but she's not willing to take crap from your actions. She's aware of herself and cognitive behaviours.

Now onto your question. Everyone is broken in one way or form because broken indicates imperfection and no one is perfect. So its not that she's attracted to you cause you're broken because you're just as broken ad the next guy. She's attracted to you. Possibly a soulmate? A life changing encounter? Let it happen and find out its my advice.

Women are nurtures by nature. And people in general are attracted to the unknown.
She's curious to discover you and thus her attraction to you. Only time will tell if attraction turns to love! So give it time and just let it happen.

[dbbdbd]

I'm 5'6 and I love short girls

[dandiecandie]

I hope you find what you're looking for!

[guesswhoseback]

Wow. Congratulations on getting a second chance. In my experience the second you creep a girl out early in the game (whether you know it or not) it’s game over 99% of the time. It’s a rule to never bring up sex even if she brings it up first. Unless you got a sense of humor like Ryan Reynolds there is a huge chance you will screw it up.

But you got a special connection with her being a sexual abuse survivor. That’s something she has a common ground with you on. As horrible as that is she has empathy for that.

But there are a few things you got to be careful here. You haven’t met her in real life and plenty of women are content with just virtual attention. Until you meet her in person this “friendship” has no tangible value. She might even be a catfish.

Second thing is she reaching out to you out of empathy. Empathy and attraction are not congruent. Empathy get to the heart but does not GET the heart.

My advice from here on out is to let her always imitate conversations. You also need to be direct (not now) that you want to meet up. If she acts wishy washy or keeps making up weak excuses not to meet up then you are virtual friendzoned. Huge waste of time.

[Hazelstar99]

I have been attracted to broken people which is not a good thing. Well, I can say for myself that whenever I found myself in this situation it is because I'm trying to run away from my problems. Putting myself in backburner and focus on the broken guy. Then play the victim. Obsession to someone is distraction from yourself.

When you're busy in trying to fix someone you are running away from your own problems. It's easier for you to process that the other person is a problem than you're in a problem and fix yourself.

Well, you can support your significant problem and help them but don't get busy fixing them. Then you drain yourself out and suffocate the other person which is not fair to your significant other as well.

[Hazelstar99]

Hey,
she might be feeling sorry for you but she didn't say that she's interested to fix you. She didn't come up with any solution to how to fix you.

[Apope16]

Yes. All very good points. Being able to focus or be attracted to someone else's struggle makes you feel less bad about yourself. I will post a question about this later but I felt the same way. This girl I mentioned above has been through a lot. When she was asking questions that made me vulnerable I felt I wanted to lash out and ask her about her past too. I was thinking that would make me feel less bad. I haven't done that. She's totally cool and open. But I think I feel a kind of romance in taking a few notches down and humbling myself while leaving her on the pedestal. I mean she was telling me, "It's okay. If you only knew what I've been through. I don't judge you." But I felt that asking her about it when I felt bad about hurting her was deflection and just kind of revenge you know? Like, here she is reminding me of my issue-im not going to sink to the low of asking her about her shit to make me feel better.

[Apope16]

Yes Hazelstar99 That is a good point. She didn't try to fix me. It was my worry. But I think that is a good thing. She just basically said she accepts all of me. That it was okay. To me that is hot as fuck. It makes me like her more.

[Hazelstar99]

You did the right thing by not asking about her past at the moment. It makes you look more thoughtful and you can ask about it later on. Then, maybe she'll be comfortable telling you that. It's a good thing that she is willing to accept you as you are which is a very rare thing. All the very best for your love life 💖😊

[Apope16]

aww! thanks a lot! that is so kind.

[Hazelstar99]

It's not biggie. Your very welcome.😊

[Anonymous]

"broken" men show traits of a rugged man who's been through a lot, which probably gave him a tough coating on the outside, he has trouble showing the little bit of emotion left in him, making him seem more serious and tough than the average man, also giving a general hint of mystery for anyone trying to get to know him

Women are attracted to lots of those traits, mystery, strength, seriousness, and toughness, and given their nurturing and caring nature as women, many of them will be attracted to such guys more, especially if the guy has a handsome face and/or a well-built body because of life beating him up and him having to adapt to it by becoming physically strong, a warrior is always attractive

[Opinion Owner]

Sorry I didn't read your story, I only realized there was a description until I posted my comment

Well I hope it helps either way

[Apope16]

I like the way that you describe it bro. This idea of the "rugged man who's been through a lot". Its novel worthy stuff. Just from a character standpoint.

Anyway, its kind of interesting because if it was in reverse the woman might be considered "red flag" material or a "troubled woman" or a "basket case".

I am not saying that is your view. These are just thoughts. But I really like what you posted. I think it is MHO worthy. It really gives a better frame of mind in how a guy can be imperfect and struggling and yet still have appeal to women.

[Opinion Owner]

Thank you man, I'm glad this helped and answered some of your questions

And my ex was sexually abused before i met her, i didn't see any of it as a red flag, though it did have negative effects on our relationship because her abuser was still in contact with her, and she never considered that I'd overthink about her past sometimes but I forgave that, I'm a virgin saving myself for marriage, so her being a non-virgin was kinda eh, we broke up eventually because she couldn't bear the fact that I sexted girls before her, when she was acting oblivious about her past, I don't know how that's related but yeah I didn't see it as a red flag, it just causes issues like anything else does

It also depends on how the person copes with their bad past, if they show strength and develop a tougher layer of protection to take care of themselves, it's definitely more attractive than staying in the gutter all your life after it

[Manduh]

As an empath and a woman I will always try to help someone who's in a dilemma or a situation. It's in my DNA. But I'd never try to fix someone. So maybe she isn't trying to fix you. Maybe she's just trying to help because that's what we do and maybe that's why she chose to look over the discomfort she felt when you were creeping her out. Not all of us want to fix people. People aren't meant to be fixed. They're meant to be helped but we get the two terms confused and make things worse. Also, if she's helping you through this be comfortable to share stuff with her and tell her things that you think about a lot but never let yourself say in front of someone. Make sure you trust her enough to do that. Because at the end of the day if you want to be with her and have a relationship with her then you have to start being transparent about stuff. I hope this helped. I wish you the very best

[JackSmy]

I don't want to be some weak, 'recovering' kind, that needs someone to 'nurse' me back, or help me be the MAN I AM!!
Maybe part of why I am alone, after the SHIT I dealt with!
I am a VIKING, by my ancestors, and I LIVE THAT, to my last breath!!
I want a TRUE COMPANION, a TRUE LOVE, but not in sympathy, or needing to care for another, if she has that personal need!
I want to be ME, and I want her to be HER, and no BULLSHIT, or baggage, so we can share our life together, without past crap!
I have not yet found that Lady, and I am not sure I am completely ready, myself.

[Anonymous]

this is super cringy, so like warning lmao

pers i would never date a truly happy guy, that's a turn off for me. i only like sad boys or guys with a dark past. always have, I don't know why tbh, just know that me being chronically mentally ill has a part in that haha. i just want to vibe in that shit & be self destructive with someone. ik that's so weird. but yea. i don't have any intention in fully fixing them by the way, even if i love them, ig you could call me a selfish bitch for that (i like making them feel better & smile and helping them get a little better though) but never really healing them

[tae_ie]

I guess it’s a women thing seeing someone broken makes us want to nurture and care for them and especially if it’s are loved one we are willing to do anything to build them back up again, I don't know if I would say it’s attraction but more of a women thing wanting to help.

[Apope16]

Well that's true. But you can care for your brother. I think we are talking about dating. Im curious what you think. What makes you want to make out with or sleep with a guy who has all these internal demons?

[tae_ie]

Their Internal demons aren’t such a turn off for me, If I love someone I wouldn’t dislike them cuz of that.

[Beautifulbrokensoul]

I tend to fall for the guys that are broken and do drugs bc they are mean but I can’t fall for a nice guy so I guess after all I’m broken to and looking for love in broken boys bc that’s all I’m use to is broken love.

[Apope16]

Can i dig a bit deeper into what you said? I know they are mean but are you sure that is the attraction? Is it that you like their power, or agressive nature, or strength? LIke are these guys more dominant and that gets you wet and turned on? What is it about say... an asshole that really pulls you in?

[Beautifulbrokensoul]

Yesss i loveeee!! There aggression it gets me very wet I love how serious they are when they get mad

[Alex_988_2]

@beautifulbrokensoul come to me in PM n I'll destroy you further

[Beautifulbrokensoul]

@Alex_988_2 hmm text me then

[Rangers]

Sometimes two negatives do make a positive, a stronger ability to empathize with eachother created by the fact that they too went through lots of pain is a good thing on both ends. Most women however aren't like that, at least not with my definition of a broken man which is a man who's been through a lot of shit and is struggling but is able to avoid, at least for the most part, destructive activity like drugs, alcohol, or casual sex and acknowledges the role that his own decisions played in him being where he is. When you define a broken man as a guy who allowed bad events turn him into a bad person who preys on the weakness of others, sadly a great chunk of women are attracted to that.

[Cherokeehp]

I seem to attract broken people all the time, but that doesn’t mean I’m attracted to their brokenness. I just happen to be a nice person and pretty good at fixing problems and so people often turn to me for advice and comfort. I don’t think she wants to date you since she made it clear you make her uncomfortable. I think she just enjoys helping people.

[DizzyDesii]

Everyone has to learn the hard way. I was obsessed with fixing men until 2019. I wasted too much time on dudes who would end up “fixed” for the next person after they did you wrong. Like nah my intentions was not to fix you for the next trick. Now i want a guy who already has it together

[Anonymous]

They want to belong. They want to feel like hey are making an impact or have a purpose. They don’t believe in themselves or their capacity to maintain a strong/healthy relationship of of the strength of their intrinsic value alone. So they see being available to a man in need as the collateral for what they want to eventually lead to a long lasting by relationship. Don’t get me wrong, they may actually love the guy and want to be there for him-and being there for people isn't a bad thing. A lot of people don’t even have clear intentions when they offer their time to someone they love. But if it’s a repetitive thing the woman is probably attracted to being useful/helpful/needed.

[JustAHumanHere]

Hell no. I'm not dealing with someone else's problems much less be their therapist. Everyone has issues and it's important to share that stuff in a relationship. But if your issues fucks with your life in a monumental way then you need therapy, not a relationship and I won't subject myself to that.

[Midnight_Kiss]

I seem to attract the broken but I'm broken myself so it's probably a two way thing only problem is that it neve works out because whereas I can both break and put my broken pieces back together without people realizing, the broken guys I seem to attract can't and also feel the need to push me away when they're breaking and try to return when they've began to repair.

[Neek253]

I don't think that a woman with such strong moral character is "drawn" to that what I think moreso is that she was trying to show u patience, kindness and understanding and show u there is another way to relate to women. You can be friends and not talk about sex with some one of the opposite sex. Celebrity dating is a different ball of wax most of that is selfish ambition and for show. This woman sounds like her character is too strong to be influenced by monetary/status type illusions. I actually identify with that woman. However I personally would see it as a red flag and drop u within a day. I just would try to be upfront but kind about it. There are a few other possible reasons why she didn't blow u off but it sounds like u shouldn't be pursuing dating right and need to get some counsel and take some time to heal whatever is going on with you

[BCA6010]

That's not a uniquely women to men phenomenon; I've known many men who go out of their way to be with "broken" women.

It's a largely selfish desire to feel "needed" in a relationship, that in the worst circumstances can reflect a domineering or manipulative personality. Most of course do not realize and also deny that this is the case, but when someone is going out of their way to be with those types of partners, it is clearly for personal satisfaction.

[Flower7]

This probably happened to you because the girl felt closer to you after you talked about something personal with her. She appreciated that you opened up to her. Then she started feeling more of a connection with you. Sorry to hear about what happened with you mom.

[Blueeyes81]

My opinion, so they can mold you into the man they invasion in their head. Its not healthy for either involved. You'll grow to resent her for trying to change you and she'll eventually move on to another broken soul she can mold. I call it the Jesus complex.