Was she lining up the next boyfriend?

[Apope16]

This girl I am dating invites me to an African food eating event with her neighbors. The neighbors are a husband and wife. We are all in our 30s. My girl (we will call her Jessica) has a side job as a dog sitter. There was a large crowd there. I went to the restroom while my girls and our neighbor friend couple stood in line. When I got back I joined the group in the large line. There was a group of 3 guys and 1 girl in the line behind us.

As I was chatting with the neighbor friends (Jessica neighbors because we dont live together) I noticed that my girls was talking to one tall guy in particular out of the group. Next thing you know the guy is holding the dog that she was dog sitting.

So I walked over and said hello to my girl. She didn't introduce me so i said hello to the group of 3 guys and the girl and asked what their names were. I give them all a fist bump. Then my girl walked away and got the dog back. I had noticed her phone was out and she got a phone number from one of the guys in the group.

I thought it was an odd question after my girl got this guy's number. My girl laughed and said the tall guy told her he wanted a picture with the dog for his bumble profile. It apparently was a funny joke. So my girl got this guy's phone number because they couldn't send it over the cloud so she sent him a picture of him with the dog.

When we returned alone to her place, she saw my face and asked if I was okay. "Are you upset because I talked to that guy?" I told her it was weird. She got defensive and said I was being overprotective. Then she started getting angry and wanted us to just sit in bed to process me being upset. I asked her if I could see the guy's number. She said she didn't remember the guy or his name. She had not saved his name in her phone but when she showed me she had not deleted his number and had 5 pics of ONLY HIM with the dog. "It's not a big deal. I walked up to them and asked if I could take a social picture for my dog clients."

Yes. Dump Her.

No. It is just a misunderstanding.

Updates

+1 y

After the interaction she went back to the same guy to show him a plate and said the food was good. She did kiss me in front of them later on and the guy got weirded out. But it all felt like she was reassuring me rather than genuine.

Updates

+1 y

Only ONE girl replied. I think women dont think exchanging numbers in a relationship is a big deal because most women emotionally cheat on their partners.

[Anonymous]

Don't just take my word for it. I don't know your relationship, so I don't have a real say here. In my opinion, there is a lot to be suspicious of.

-If the guy needed an image or images for Bumble... why not just use his cell phone?
-If after sending the guy the pictures, why didn't she attempt to delete his number?
-Why did she get so defensive over your question about the guy?
-She says she doesn't remember the guy's name or what he looks like.. but had the pictures in her phone of the guy?

Personally, I would be pissed. Because, you know if the situation was reverse, she would be trying to break up with you. Even if she doesn't see this guy as boyfriend material, she *might* be trying to sleep with him. Again... these are my own observations, so don't take my word for it.

[Opinion Owner]

Also... saw your update. If you want varied answers... try going to Reddit and post this in the relationship section. You'll get more replies there. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/

[KrakenAttackin]

Yeah, she's getting ready to cheat if she hasn't already. Kick her loose and maintain the power, otherwise you are letting her win.

[Apope16]

Now when I talk to ladies or my best friend who is a female she says im overreacting. She says even if she flirts with the guy on the phone at the end of the day she's with me. What are your thoughts on that?

[KrakenAttackin]

Women always, always, give the worst dating advice. Get rid of her. Beat her to the punch and teach her a lesson.

[KrakenAttackin]

Would she tolerate the same behaviour from you? Also, you talk about your boyfriend being a girl, which is something I can't understand. As long as men and women have opposite gender "friends" your real relationships will suffer.

[Apope16]

I have a girlfriend. Anything about me dating a boyfriend is a typo.

[KrakenAttackin]

My typo, sorry. Should have said "best friend" being a girl.

[Apope16]

My best friends are all female. Most of my friends are female. But male advice I give most weight to

[KrakenAttackin]

This whole "friends" of opposite gender is really toxic to relationships.

[KrakenAttackin]

What if your girlfriend said she just wanted to "make a new friend" with this guy.

[Apope16]

I dont make new lady friends in a relationship. All my female friends are best friends that go back years before the relationship. If in a relationship i met a girl i wouldn't care to establish a friendship. If i did itd be with my girl.

[KrakenAttackin]

You are missing the point.

[midnightmoon05]

Agree with KrakenAttackin about having opposite gender as “best friends”
It creates issues with partners.

Nor flirting with other genders while being in a relationship.

[MountAverage]

You need to ask yourself two questions:

1) Why are you in a relationship with someone you apparently don't trust? If you doubt she's being fully honest and open with you about this interaction (or any other similar situation), then how can you have a serious relationship with her? You said yourself, you're both in your 30s. So stop having a teenage relationship.

2) Is your lack a trust about her specifically or is it because of you? I think it's you. I think you're a person who can only trust when there's constant security and confirmation coming from your partner. Which is paradoxical of course, because the whole purpose of trust is that it works even when you don't have that constant security and confirmation. I think you're incapable of trusting. And that is really bad at your age. If you were 10 years younger that would be kinda normal and something that could easily improve with maturing and more experiences. But apparently something went wrong in your life. But the good news is, while it's hard, it's not impossible to still learn to trust.

[MountAverage]

*lack of trust

[Apope16]

Thanks for your reply. THat is why I posted on GAG. that is why I use GAG. I was abandoned by my parents at the age of 4 years old. So i have some trust issues.

I posted this question to try to get a whole of my paranoia to know if I am being logical or if I should ask forgiveness for ending things and blocking her yesterday 2/21/2021.

I am glad you brought up the problem being me. Its funny because 3 days before this incident I knew I had some trust issues. So I met with a therapist and had a session. This was a request that she had for me. Unfortenately, my first therapy session was introductory. So I didn't get a change to dig deeper into my issues of trust with her in the relationship.

We had been dating 2 months but not publicly exclusive. This was the FIRST time we were out in public together as a couple. I wish I could say this was the only incident. But I also had an issue with her still texting an ex boyfriend. All the things I talked to her about and sorted through. That morning I told her I loved her. I saw her do that and was triggered by her ignoring me and basically flirting with the group of guys without even being around the people we came with.

[WhateverMayBeWillBe]

Based off of what you said in the original post and the follow ups responses below in the comments has me thinking something is up.

The best cheaters and narcissists are very skilled at gaslighting the people they are taking advantage of and making them feel like they are the ones in the wrong. I've had this happen many time with friends more so than love interests, but it's all the same thing - selfish people doing harmful things to the people around them without consideration of what the outcome will be as long as they get want they temporarily want.

Now I don't want to dive too deep into the psychology behind this because I'm not knowledgeable enough to do that (something about them lacking certain things and feeling incomplete & unsatisfied) but I will ask this - have you been in similar situations where you felt something was off with this person and if so has it intensified?

The one of the things I've noticed about narcissists is that they have a tendency to try to take more and more to see what they can get away with.
For example: it starts with something innocuous, then it becomes flirting and exchanging numbers with a guy in front of you to potential making out with a guy in front of you and trying to reassure you that you were "imagining things".
Sounds crazy but I've seen this type of shit happen plenty of times at nightclubs & partys.

I don't want to make you paranoid but our intuition is usually right about these types of things, what I would recommend is to be aware/mindful and to also think back to any other odd behaviour because I doubt that was the 1st off thing she's done to you/around you.

[Aethereal]

In my opinion; while your feeling protective is quite alright, your reaction may have been a bit excessive. Nevertheless, it is also somewhat justifiable because the excuse (she got the guy's phone number because they couldn't send the pictures over the cloud) is quite weak. Why get his number? Doesn't he have his phone, so she can use it to take the pictures for him? Surely his friends have phones if he forgot his at home.

I don't believe she's lining up the next guy, as you think. I do think you both need to have a serious talk about each other's boundaries; what you're both okay, and not okay with in the relationship. This is a talk you should have had before becoming a couple. It might (unfortunately) turn out that you are not compatible with each other.

[KrakenAttackin]

Of course she is lining up the next guy.

[Apope16]

Well, I already expressed concern that she is still texting an ex boyfriend she dated before me. He is the owner of a local store a few blocks away and she says she will text him before she shops there to make sure the items are available. It is this small business health and wellness store.

But I did not know she was texting him by snooping. She openly told me this casually and randomly as if she had not even thought it was an issue. She assured me she had no interest in him but crossed her arms by her stomach in bed when I asked her about it.

She said she's not used to having to consider a guy in her life when she is out in about. She has never had to do that before. So scheduling she can be random with her plans or she may be very social with people and doesn't realize how it may be perceived.

[Smoothing]

You are right to be concerned though I would say that you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

If she was lying, the situation will reveal itself later on. Don't think about it too much because it is unhealthy for your relationship especially if she is telling the truth.

If something fishy is going on, I guarantee you, it will not stay hidden. Just don't go creating unnecessary turbulence because it may blow back in your face. i. e. you will ruin a good relationship because of paranoia.

[Apope16]

Well... too late. I already told her i didn't trust her enough to committ

[Smoothing]

Oh well, it is what it is.

[Smoothing]

I just hope that when you find out the truth, you will not regret your actions

[Apope16]

there's no way to find out the truth. She deleted his number as angrily. But on 2 occasions a few weeks ago she called me "friend" in a private dinner conversation at her place. She always calls me "baby". This was weird. Hence my reaction.

[KrakenAttackin]

@Apope16. Exactly. Ghost her.

[Apope16]

Actually, I hope that I regret my actions someday. I hope the truth is that she is honest and sincere. I think if I made a mistake on that it would give me some peace of mind to know that she actually did love me and wasn't lying. I can work through that in therapy. So i just hope and pray that I am wrong and I totally fucked up something that could have been great. I would rather have that than find out that my instincts were right and she was planning to fuck around with other guys or already was.

[KrakenAttackin]

No, no, no... Learn to trust your instincts. Never listen to what women "say" , watch their actions and trust your instincts.

[mallen3423]

i would be suspicious, why does he need her number so she can send him the photos? like why can't he just take the pictures on his phone? every phone has a camera and i dont feel there would need to be an exchanging of numbers.. also i would say if she really cared about you if you were generally concerned about it she should understand and talk about it in reasonable manner instead of getting defensive but that being said some people are just that way. while i dont know if i would have said anything i would def feel where your coming from. also how was she acting when you walked up? i

[Apope16]

When I walked up she didn't introduce me. So the group of them (3 guys including the guy she got the number from and 1 girl) all looked at me confused. We are in the grey area of moving in the direction of exclusivity. Anyway, because she didn't say anything I tried to be an assertive "masculine" man and said, "Hi! How's it going? What's you're names?" Then I fist bumped them.

She acted odd after that. She has always been PDA. But she seemed to be finding reasons to kiss me as a way of reassuring me rather than genuine affection. Then she put the puppy into my winter coat and I was holding on to it. The neighbors we went with who were married got quiet. The husband pretty much had been talking to us the whole time walked 10 feet away and stood alone away from us. His wife looked at Jessica funny an asked "How did you guys meet?" Then it was awkward.

The guy immediately stopped talking to her after I approached. The group of guys kept looking at us confused when they saw us kissing. Then as we were leaving with our food she walked up to the same guy in line and showed him the container saying "The food is good!". But the way that she approached him seemed like she was trying to re-engage this stranger. Then she tried to hide this flirtation but randomly being loud and telling the whole line that it was good food. She did feed me in front of them but again that confused our group and the guy.

[Apope16]

When we got back she had a guilty conscious. She said, "Are you okay? Are you upset because I was talking to that guy?" I just kind of gave her a weird look and said, "I feel uncomfortable about it." Then she snapped at me and said that I approached her talking to that group like a "Controlling" boyfriend. Then she saw I was shivering from being out in the cold and told me to come to bed with her. I presume this was a seduction tactic to fuck me and get me to forget. But I didn't move in closer to her and so she laid there upset and confused.

I asked what the guy's number was like in her phone. So she got her phone out and seemed rattled and said, "I don't even remember which guy it was. I don't even remember his name or what he looked like. I didn't save his name in my phone." I looked at the text exchange and she didn't save his name but we had just entered the house. She also used this as an excuse for not deleting it. She said "I didn't delete the phone number yet because we just got in the house and you started lashing at me about this!" She showed me the text exchange. I was shocked. It was 5 pictures of this same guy. Nobody else in the group. She said, "I walked up to them while they played with the dog and I asked if I could take a picture for the dog owner to show the dog is social."

[Apope16]

So basically, taking the picture with the owners dog and this guy was HER IDEA. Which i alleged was flirtation. Then they exchanged numbers to send the photo. I alleged that this was her using the dog to pick up this guy's phone number. And lastly, She only had pictures of this guy. Did she intend to delete his phone contact? I dont think so. I think she planned to keep talking to this guy.

Am I overreacting? Was this just an innocent thing? Do women with bad intentions do it in front of their own men? Does the fact that this all happened in my presence make it more likely that she had honest intent?

[RagnarRedbeard]

It’s hard to say. Some people see this is no big deal, but the shady ones will act that way also. I’d say be cautious. If you catch her doing anything suspicious don’t get into a discussion and don’t entertain any conversation about how you’re being insecure or whatever, just leave.

[Apope16]

Thanks man. But I dont think that is really fair. I always like to have closure by bluntly explaining why I am ending things.

[RagnarRedbeard]

You can do that, what I mean is don't get drawn into any kind of debate.

[Apope16]

Thanks a lot for your advice man. I guess I tend to be guilty of holding out hope. If she has a compelling explaination i will certainly listen to it. But then I would make a decision and either kiss her passionately or walk away. I know my values. I know what I am okay with or not. Whatever she says has to fit in that scope of things.

[RagnarRedbeard]

Yeah, that's why nice guys get fucked over and is the reason I say don't get into a debate.

I've been in situations like this. The times when I've gotten into a debate, heard her explanation, felt sorry for her when she turned on the waterworks and carried on seeing her like nothing ever happened, it has always happened again. Once they realise that's all they have to do they don't take you seriously, they think you're a sucker.

Meanwhile the times when I told them to go fuck themselves and didn't entertain any debate, they'd give me some shit to try to manipulate me but I just wouldn't respond at all. Eventually they'd come back and apologise for everything and try to get me back. Even then I wouldn't take them back straight away because I wasn't sure if I could be bothered. If I did decide to get back with them they knew I wasn't fucking around. Sometimes you've got to be a cold asshole.

[Apope16]

Hmm.. Well that is honestly what I do. And I did it with this girl in the past. To the point where if she fucks up she falls in line and knows that I am not bullshitting. This last time she begged me to just join her in bed as a "break" from the conversation. She wanted to fuck my brains out to try to manipulate me. But I laid in bed away from me. So she laid there in silence all confused and not knowing what to do. When a woman realizes that she can't influence a man with sex she is confused and has no clue how to engage like a respectful adult. She has been brainwashed by society to think that sex controls a man. she doesn't know how to have a real authentic communication to solve problems. Just sex.

[iGodric]

Follow your gut my dude. Consider is a blessing you were there to see the number being given.

Don't be played by her, they usually have insurance for insurance.

So leave or get the same mindset. Judging by your age these tricks should not fool you.

[Anonymous]

Not gonna lie, it does seem sus, however i know from experience to find out facts before you jump to conclusions or do something you might regret. Maybe talk it out with her or maybe even the guy. You never know though, sometimes things can be bad or good.

[Apope16]

She wants to talk through the issue. She claims she wants to be exclusive and she's loyal. She refuses to apologize for what happened because she thinks she never did anything wrong. Im confused about how taking a Bumble picture even came up in conversation. Was there flirting? Talking about being single? If she is upset because I walked up to the guy and his friends like a stalker boyfriend... why didn't she introduce me or embrace me when I got to the group?

[midnightmoon05]

She likes the attention from the guy. can’t tell if she is lining up for the next one.

it all depends how strong the two of you are bonding. She kissed you in front of them is a good thing.
if she detected his number without being offensive that would have been better.
yountwo sound like having fun most times. Work on handling problems is a challenge for many. Good luck.

[TacosRAwesome]

Maybe. She might be one of those annoyingly social people that don't realise theyre flirting.

[Apope16]

I really value your opinion on GAG. Thank you. She came home and knew why i was upset right away

[BeenThereLovedIt]

Sounds like she gaslit you when you approached her about it. Classic red flag. I'd be on the lookout for more red flags.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a misunderstanding but she was quite defensive, maybe in the past she has jealous boyfriends and doesn’t like it

[Apope16]

So you wouldn't be bothered by a girlfriend doing what she did?

[Opinion Owner]

It would bother me but if I trusted her then it’s no big deal, she probably wasn’t thinking that it was not good how it looked

[Apope16]

As soon as we got home she was like, "Why does your face look like that? Are you upset because I talked to that guy?"

Is that a sign of a guilty conscience or just being aware?

[Opinion Owner]

She noticed you were upset

[Apope16]

Yes. But she knew why without me saying a word

[Opinion Owner]

I’m sure she knew right away after seeing your face

[Apope16]

Yeah. i couldn't hide how pissed I was.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Really hard to say. Could be either.

[Apope16]

If you had a boyfriend and a cute puppy would you take a guys phone number to send a picture for his bumble profilr when his other 3 friends could do that?

[Gwenhwyfar]

No. I wouldn’t.

[Apope16]

Thanks for your honesty. Its hard to read what's normal

[Gwenhwyfar]

Welcome

[Gwenhwyfar]

Update: that is not true! Most women do not emotionally cheat.

[Apope16]

Dating apps, phone numbers, etc texting guys back. Most women do this in secret under the ruse of work or networking.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I don’t! If I get a guy’s number for work it’s his work number not his home number.

That being said it does seem like your girlfriend was being kinda flirty with that guy.

[Apope16]

Why is it that women defend other women when they know the truth?

[msc545]

Dump her.

[Apope16]

So you think that her behaviour was inappropriate? Because she claims im being psycho boyfriend. Like controlling.

[msc545]

I think she was very inappropriate.

[Apope16]

Thanks for your honesty brotha.

[Sia_nee]

Maybe

[Apope16]

If you had a boyfriend. Would you approach 3 single guys waiting in line with your dog, take 4 pics of just one guy, then get that guys phone number? Hmm... i didn't even get a chance to ask her if he got her number.