Why does western society hate virgin men? Why do men get virgin shamed?

Question

I personally never understand it. What is wrong with beig virgin as a man? Is that not good since you do not have to deal with his exs. He has no aids, no emotional baggage, no drama with, no bad past, no kids. Do not misunderstand me, non virgin men are ok. I do not judge anyone. I just do not understand why men get hate for being virgin while women get hate for being promiscuos

maiave · Accepted Answer

I don’t know. It’s really weird. Men get shamed for not having sex and women get shamed for having “too much”. I really wish people just stopped giving a shit about other peoples sex life. That’s the pathetic part.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

The same reason women get slut shamed. Outdated expectations that are detrimental to society and people's lives.

Xitomyth · Answer

I believe it comes from the ancient practices, as in the multiple spouse thing for rulers. Men were, and in some cases still are, expected to produce some kind of heir to their bloodline. This was done to ensure that there would always be a ruler that the people would acknowledge and therefore obey. There were also times where a male relative would die, leaving the women destitute and vulnerable, so a male relative had the right to lay claim to the deceased's family in order to protect them, sometimes if the male's relative is unwed, he could marry the wife of his fallen relative. In this day and age, it's mostly a sign that the dude is impotent, undesirable, and/or a sexual loser (think beta male or worse). It is also a sign of inexperience. If a guy is inexperienced or not known to be fertile, it means he is weak and, therefore, unfit to rule, let alone be good for anything. At least that's what I've observed over my life. I'm a virgin by the way, and I have gotten some shame for it by people who aren't my time. Most people think I'm not a virgin because I carry myself with confidence and wisdom of experience.

As for women and being promiscuous, I can't say for sure, but I'll give it a go. Aside from the usual expectation of loyalty for both sides, women are know for being either way too empathetic or way too wicked and manipulative. Don't get me wrong, men can be just a bad, just more infrequently is my understanding. The phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," exists for a reason. Women run on emotion, they're hardwired for it, at least for the moment. That's a scientific, medical, and biological fact. This may change generations down the road due to adaptation. But for now, most women are emotional and tend to run on impulse. They sleep around because they are impulsive and lack control, are nymphomaniacs (guys can be as well), or they a manipulating others towards some end. So when a women sleeps around, or has had a lot of partners, it's a sign that she is either weak in some capacity or wicked and a villain of some sort.

Though society and it's norms play a part in the shaming culture, the hard truth is that people experience or witness things first hand and that alerts them to these shameful reasons and simply make judgements based on assumptions before learning the truth behind someone's life.

NamerOfStars · Answer

Because shame is a valuable tool for pushing people into desired behaviors. And if you take a thorough and searching look around, you'll realize it's used FAR more often than most people think.

Now, everything in the world has a nature that develops from the bottom up, determined by the meta-realities that surround and compose it. For example, early human societies were constrained by the hostility of the environment, and the need to provide shelter, safety, and sustenance for their populations. But they also needed to keep that population growing, at a greater-than-replacement rate, because there were OTHER human societies competing with them. This is why everyone who didn't have isolation on their side eventually converted to farming or was wiped out: agriculture is often MORE work than hunting and gathering, but the calories-per-acre ratio is higher, and it provides those calories much more consistently. Similarly, the length of human pregnancy, the vulnerabilities it imposes, and the neediness of human infants meant women needed to be more risk-averse (which they still are) and societies needed to devote quite a bit of effort toward protecting them.

This sticks in the craws of a LOT of people, because measures that protect also restrict; you're not going to be breakdancing in plate armor. The modern narrative is that these measures, and, more importantly, the ideas behind them, were put in place to restrain women (which is incorrect, but has an element of truth to it) and to "oppress" them to advantage men (which is absolute nonsense). [Note that I'm speaking historically here; modern society is a different beast, it just developed out of earlier society.] But there are (for a society) advantages to certain individuals being considered disposable; they can take risks. Even today, society is MUCH more tolerant of men defying social expectations than of women doing so- this is counterbalanced by the extent of said expectations, but as a man, it's almost expected you'll say "nuts to this" and throw off some of them.

But some things can't be ignored if a society is to continue, and reproduction is one of them- and this is where shame enters the picture. Let's say that you and I are both Newfoundland whale hunters in 6,000 BC. The primary source of food for our tribe comes from us heading out in canoes, with spears made of wood or bone, to hunt angry carnivorous animals, each of which is larger than our canoe. And they travel in packs. And one day, I decide that it's not worth risking my life every single day to feed a wife and children when I can go out much less frequently if I only want to feed myself. Once kids actually enter the picture, neurochemistry will likely keep me around, but not before.

So what's the society going to do? Kick me out? That's okay; the whole idea is that it's easier to survive on my own. If I can keep the wolves away, I'll be fine. Force me to come back and marry? You risk tribe members in chasing me down and bringing me back, and you'd have to watch me constantly to ensure I won't run away again. Let me go? Well, if enough others do the same, the tribe dies out. Inculcate me from infancy with the idea that my contribution is an obligation, due to those who came before or who can't do it themselves, and shame those who don't do the same? Bingo. Eight thousand years later, not much has changed.

Anonymous · Answer

I think this happens because the West is sex-obsessed.

I'm not a virgin by the way or an incel before anybody tries to imply that. I'm married, and before that I did have sex with other women. Maybe I'll come off as hypocritical but that doesn't mean I can't criticise it, I was a young product of the culture I grew up in which I now think is toxic.

In evolutionary psychology there's what's known as r/K selection theory. This theory is used to describe the mating strategies of different animals, and it applies to humans also. To avoid getting TL;DR basically r-selected animals/humans are highly promiscuous and sex focused, whereas K-selected animals/humans are more monogamous and family focused.

In people, r-selection leads to a focus on short-term pleasure seeking, money and materialism, status games, more selfish desires. In relationships they're less likely to pair-bond or develop strong emotional connections, and they'll tend to be focused on "hot" and "fun" over anything else, and as a result will either be promiscuous or they'll be serial monogamists. These people tend to be more liberal minded. More likely to be atheist and to have non-traditional values. They're less likely to want children, marriage and family because that would get in the way of them making money, buying nice things and having the kinds of experiences they seek whether that be travelling, partying, or having sex.

K-selection leads to a focus on the long-term and are therefore less focused on "hot" and "fun". They're more likely to be religious, more traditional in their view of relationships. They more strongly pair-bond and have stronger emotional connections. More likely to want marriage and children. More likely to want to make sacrifices with money and time in order to raise those children, if they even care about partying, travelling, thrill-seeking at all, which many will not.

In the West we live in a culture now which is really geared more towards the r-selected types, and there are probably more of them. To a lot of people the K-selected people I just described will sound incredibly boring - not "hot" and "fun". It's not fashionable to have strong traditional values, to a lot of people if you have them you sound like a dinosaur because they think that your views are "out-dated".

I think that r-selected people have more of a problem understanding K-selected people than vice versa. I'm sure this goes both ways but they'll often assume that if somebody doesn't want what they want that there's something wrong with them or that they're lying.

So then we have the virgin men. Some of those men will be guys who simply don't want to participate in hook-up culture because it goes against the things they believe. They think that those guys are full of shit and that they're a part of the other group - men who'd like to participate but can't because they can't attract women. In which case they wonder why and assume that there must be something wrong with the guy, maybe he's a weirdo or something.

Therefore they think that most adult virgin men are weirdos and losers.

Investigator · Answer

The best way to approach such a question is to ask "what does not having had sex infer about the value of an individual?", because that is what is being ridiculed when we virgin-shame: "if a man is a virgin, there must something about him which is undesirable", so the narrative goes. One could reply "men have value, even if they have not had sex?" and while that may be true in a purely utilitarian view, from a socioeconomic perspective that is false.

If we consider the dating world to be a marketplace the same way you buy goods and services, then "having sex" becomes its own value barometer. You might buy a product off Amazon with no stars if you're adventurous, but the average person observes a product with no ratings as "untrustworthy", because if at least one other person hasn't already tested it, how good could it be? In a similar fashion, a man who has not had sex becomes like that no-star product you probably don't want to be the first guinea pig to try out.

If you're thinking "this sounds like another case of 'the rich get richer and the poor get poorer'", you'd be right. Success in having sex begets more of it and not having had sex by a certain point has the unfortunate effect of creating a negative feedback loop—men who women didn’t want can become men women don’t want. Breaking out of this loop is possible, but it’s a considerable uphill battle. It also has the tendency to create a mental block, in that men who never had sex come to believe their lack of sex is an intrinsic identifier of self-worth and so when women do show favor with them, it almost becomes a charade, “I’m a virgin, why would any women want me?” In effect, male virginity becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy: a man who has never been laid can’t get laid. This is also why inceldom is not solved by making prostitution legal: having to literally pay for sex, instead of being desirable enough to f*ck "just because", is the crux of the issue.

Conversely, women do not have this same issue; for most women, sex is something they choose to engage in rather than actively seek out. It’s not that they are passive agents in their sexual activity—though that can be the case, merely that the onus for initiation is not inherently theirs.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm not sure what you mean by "virgin shamed" exactly, but here are a few reasons why virginity is typically not a great thing for most guys when they get into their very late teens and definitely into their 20s: (for the purpose of this I'm sticking to speaking about heterosexual men who want to have sex with women--so the vast majority)

1) Lots of women use "social proof" when assessing a potential man. Part of that is asking the question: "who did this guy used to date?" If the answer is a high value woman or better yet a few high value women that recommends the potential quality of the dude.
2) Negative signalling: If a guy is still a virgin the next question most women will have is "why?" but it's often phrased as "what's wrong with him?" lol! To be honest, this tends to happen to some degree to ANY single man "why is he single--what's wrong with him?" but it raises many more suspicions when the guy is a virgin--particularly if he's into his 20s
3) Incels: You've probably heard of them. Not a great bunch of folks. They're obviously not the same thing as virgins (not all virgins are incels for example) but there is a fair bit of overlap. Certainly more so than say amongst guys who have all had sex semi-regularly over the past year
4) Skills: Some women like to teach a newbie, but plenty just want to lie back and enjoy the work of a master craftsman. And as anyone who ISN'T a virgin knows, the exam isn't a "book exam" it's a practical. Meaning that there is NO substitute for experience on this front
5) Not being able to accomplish your goals. For most heterosexual dudes, attracting and having sex with women is a pretty major goal in life. In fact, I can pretty well say that money and sex are the two most powerful motivators for a young dude. And the more I reflect on it the more I realize that the desire for money is largely underpinned by a desire for sex in the form of access to more and/or higher quality women. This isn't an issue for virgins only but for anyone who isn't having the sex they want to be having. It's just a bigger issue for virgins
6) Guys make fun of things. It's what we do. We'll make fun of a dude for being weird looking, too tall, too short, too scrawny, too fat, whatever. So no surprise that if a guy's a virgin he's likely to be made fun of for that. If he's a player we'll make fun of him for likely having VD. It's nothing serious--just having fun. So not sure if that's what you mean by virgin shaming, but if it is there's nothing "virgin specific" about it.

Tiffany_Taylor_Made · Answer

Society only has issue with virgin males depending on their age. Of course, young men in their teens aren't always shamed for being virgins. However, once a male reaches a certain age, such as over 21, his likelihood of being shamed increases depending on how much older he is than 21. This is because the older a man is and is still a virgin, the more likely he is to suffer issues that make him hard to form a relationship with or take seriously. For example, virgins that are near 30 and older tend to have mental issues, lack confidence, have poor social skills, and so on. In other words, he displays signs of a "weak man." Weak men are frowned upon. Male virgins that are older than average are seen as inept with women, which is shameful for the average man because men often base their self-esteem on their ability to pick up women. In addition, they also lack sexual experience because they never had sex and thus would likely not know how to please a woman sexually. A man that not only lacks confidence and social skills, but also the ability to please a woman isn't considered a "real man" by many people, making him unattractive and therefore often shamed. You're also just wrong, by the way. Just because a guy is a virgin doesn't mean he lacks emotional baggage, a bad past, or drama. In fact, if anything, if he is still a virgin at an older age and isn't strongly religious or something, then he likely has all these issues and then some or else he would have had sex already. Sex, especially in the West in this day and age where prostitutes are everywhere and many women are practically throwing it away, is not hard to come by. If he hasn't come by it yet, then something is very likely wrong with him and it's not good.

reallyhonestguy · Answer

This is because there is a closed loop.
Since our generation, we can see that the rate of sexual development exploded, parents become more permissive. So naturally, kids find out that is very nice to flirt, date and sex.
However, like everywhere, we are structured in hierarchies and groups.
When teens become aware of sexuality, they start competing with each other, even without noticing it. After a while you can see guys that can talk with girls, will win confidence overtime and brag to friends. Guys who cannot, usually because they're introverts or outcasts, get even more outcast.
Then it depends on the education and mentality of the classe. In my case, my classe cared a lot about sex so they will mock everyone who is succeeding.
Then guys who couldn't feel worse about themselves. And they will loose confidance..
Then if girls are bitches they will pick more on them or start rumors, if they are nice they will say there's nothing wrong with them. But will they really have maturity at the time to learn and say that?

No. This will become part of the experience of guys. They become scared of talking with girls and start focusing in something else and may or may not become obcessed with getting a girl.

If they don't get out of the loop they will stay virgins.

Society runs in hierarchies, the "week" who can't get laid will be shamed. Shaming someone makes themselves feel better.

IHateBeingaMan · Answer

well it should be obvious as to why men get stigmatized for that, because the average man never has women pursuing him or making sexual propositions to him, making sexual advances towards him or hitting on him.

I feel that should also explain why slut-shaming exists for women but men get praised for having sexual partners, because guys, men, are the ones who are expected to put in the effort for sex to happen or a sexual relationship to start, its on the guy to get the woman in bed, not the other way around.

If the roles were reversed and women were the ones pursuing men or hitting on men, taking the lead sexually with men, then women would get praised for having sexual partners and slut-shaming would be labeled towards men, but thats not the world we live in unfortuneately.

Kaneki05 · Answer

Hmm never been shamed for it. But it does create an awkward sense of feeling that well if your a virgin man you don't how to pleasure a women so then why would a women want a guy who don't know how to do it? when she can get a guy who knows what to do and can make her orgasm multiple times?

Then with guys it's the other way around the more inexperienced the girl the better, because they can take the lead easy.

I don't think it's a hate thing. It's just more comparable to how most women are submissive and most men are dominate. Just a fundamental one is less common for wanting.

Poppymarie · Answer

I don’t have any problem with virgin men; two of the three guys I’ve dated were virgins. But for me it kind of comes down to the reason that they’re a virgin. For instance, if they’re just really creepy and that’s why they’ve never been with anyone, then yeah, no thanks, but if he’s a virgin because he’s been saving himself for the right person, then I think that’s very respectable.

I think people associate virgin men with things that are turn offs (being creepy, poor hygiene, etc). It’s not really being a virgin that’s unattractive as much as the stereotypes people associate with them. I don’t think people most people would have any problem with a guy who was waiting or just hasn’t had much experience if he had good hygiene and decent social skills.

Puppystarfish23 · Answer

Don't understand it either. I might joke around and call my male friends virgin's when they nerd out about something I think is funny. Like I'll say "god you are such a virgin" but not in a nasty way only in banter.

Not too long ago I was a virgin and so was my boyfriend. I was always hoping my first was a virgin but I didn't mind too much if he wasn't just as long as I knew he wasn't a fuck boy who was gonna break my heart.

Everyone is a virgin one time in there life and it's kinda stupid to hate on someone for being one. What someone gets up to in there bedroom doesn't concern anybody else if it's not hurting anyone. I think it's because a lot of people are aware but it's a sensitive subject for men and know if they are nasty to them about there sex life it will hurt as a lot of men value themselves on their success with women and feel emasculated when they struggle to succeed with women.

Twinrova · Answer

The reason virgins are made fun of is because generally speaking, men seek out sex, and if one cannot attain sex, it is an indication that he in undesirable to women in some way.

However, I agree with you: we shouldn't make fun of men, or anyone, for being virgins. Being a virgin could also be reflective of one's values, and I for one, think it is a noble thing to abstain from sex outside of wedlock.

Hawner · Answer

As far as I understand society (at this point not much anymore), a virgin man is considered unsuccessful among his peers. If he can't even get laid, how can he be taken seriously?
That notion is as stupid as the people who follow it, in my opinion.

Avicenna · Answer

I think "hate" is too strong a word, but they are looked down upon because it's an indication to most people of a lack of success, meaning there's something wrong with you (that's not MY personal view, just my interpretation of the general view of male virgins).

NathanDavis · Answer

Personally, I've never ever shamed anyone for being a virgin, in fact... I've never asked anyone if they've had sex before ot not, I don't even ask them if they're sexually active or if when did they have sex last time or whatever... It's not my business and is something I don't care for really.

mylifesbrilliant · Answer

this phenomenon actually makes sense and has its value. from an evolutionary perspective virgin shaming is good for reproduction and species continuation. they are ridiculed and feel shameful, so if they dont do something about it, natural selection crosses them out. they woundn't leave their seeds behind. social rejection and shaming could fuel and motivate them to lose their virginity. we are after all just biological organisms. we are a part of nature and are manipulated by it. collectively people shame virgins, because they fail to propagate their genes and continue our species.

DevylasArsaukas76 · Answer

, society can be so toxic sometimes, why should people get hate for anything, it doesn't make sense, regardless whether you're short or tall, had sex or are still a virgin, people shouldn't have to feel shame or pride for any of that, just be humble, because it could all be gone the next day, there is no guarantee that the sun will rise, can't everyone just stop shaming others for all these superficial reasons

Hyped_up_on_coffee · Answer

I don’t hate them I just wouldn’t want to date them. I’m almost 30 I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with no sex and I don’t want to deal with teaching them how to perform and things like premature ejaculation , or telling them no that’s not my G-spot it’s my urethra. And not to mention they would be too emotionally immature

just_a_potato · Answer

Because people are ashamed of their sex life whether if it's too much or too little, so they flock to bully a guy who has no experience at all. Just because.

msbrightness · Answer

That's a very very good question.
Durex advertising, ai would think. No one ever talks about how razors for shaving and condoms keep being marketed - assumed to be super-necessary (and then you have to forcefully create a market for them - how else but by shaming men into having to grow beards to share them to then have sex they neither need nor care for now enjoy)

Why does western society hate virgin men? Why do men get virgin shamed?

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