How do you deal with an emotionally unavailable woman?

[Anonymous]

I have been talking to a woman for a little over 3 weeks and we hit it off really strong, she recently pulled away and said she can't date anyone cause of her emotions.

When we talked about it she told me she likes me so much but is afraid she can't give me what i need and that wouldn't be fair to me, i told her i dont care all i need is her but she is cemented on the idea i will leave her.

How do i deal with this, she won't work at my job anymore so im afraid i would lose contact with her and end up losing her aswell.

Anyone been through something similar that can give me advice on how to ease her while also respecting her decision?

[HollyK21]

I’ve been this woman at different instances in my life, and all I can say is that in a way, you’re playing yourself by holding out hope for her, and it’s also a bit selfish. What you’re asking for help with from this community, which is essentially how to change her mind, is only beneficial to you and what you want. When she’s flat out saying that she can’t be a girlfriend or date right now, rather than accept her decision and move on, you just see it as an obstacle to surpass when it’s probably far more complicated than that. It takes a good amount of past trauma to make someone emotionally unavailable. Lucky for you, she’s honest about this rather than dragging you along, making you think patience is the answer when deep down she knows she can’t give you what you want. It would suck a lot if she were that person, but she’s not. Moral of this is, put your personal feelings for her aside, understand that she is telling you her mental state is not where it needs to be in order to be a girlfriend, and move on. It’s the most fair outcome for you both, even if you don’t want that, it isn’t just about you, dude.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

she's hurt she's damaged from what life has forced upon her. she's had guys lie to her so she can't believe your words you have to show her by not demanding her to be your girlfriend but to just be there for her emotionally (not sexually yet might be apart of her trauma ex. If she's been told she's horrible in bed or her body isn't perfect that no man will ever want her) She has triggers she can't explain weather that be a random song that comes on in public and she just gets up and leaves or doesn't go certain places cause of memories.. so if your somewhere and she takes off follow her slowly dont ask whats wrong just ask if she needs a hug... if she's anything like me growing up with abusive parents didn't choose great boyfriends at the beginning... dated to please everyone else.. I was numb didn't feel anything and was determined to please my parents... I was told as a child when I cried do you want me to give you something to cry about everything was always my fault no one would listen to my side of the story.. but I didn't see it as abuse until recently because it was the only love I knew.. I thought I had love figured out.. that love fades it doesn't last forever if it does its control fighting and yelling.. Some people today aren't interested in building with the same person when troubles arise. They just find someone new so its hard to keep believing in love when guys just say what they want to just get in your pants.. so she has some skeletons in the closet.

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Today is actually 20 months or a year and 8 months my man and I have been going out.. took me abit but he would just hold me if I ran off and cried.. id say sorry hed say dont be sorry its okay.. I didn't want to stay there anyway.. he showed me what true love actually is has nothing to do with what I do job wise or how much I have to give.. even when I have nothing and can do nothing after a seizure I still deserve love.. he's an incredible man he had walls up I had to knock down.. I have never been so close to anyone.. no one is perfect he understands I dont always have words to say.. he's there through it all.. I had a concussion in 2009 my first seizure in 2011 from the concussion is what I was told.. I got healthy after the seizure had a boyfriend at the time he wanted to sleep with me when I got out year apparently it was "time" too or hed start sleeping with other people lol I broke up with him instead I was still a virgin.. he didn't know that.. it was a cycle id start doing well with my health a guy would want to date me even some tried to talk me into it.. I have seizures sometimes after one I can't feed myself or walk to the bathroom myself.. guys would promise the world when one happened they all left.. so I get better on my own with my parents help from time to time.. when I met Matt I told him.. its me laying out all the bullshit so he stops talking to me.. if you say it on the second date he didn't tears started coming in his eyes he said im soo sorry youve had to go through that gave me a hug and very gently couldnt even hear it kissed the top of my head.. while hugging.. we didn't actually kiss before then was almost 2 weeks afterwards.. I felt it but didn't let on I did.. he said (when we were done walking around the pond) when will I see you again? Do you have time to walk another lap? I said yes and im not sure..

[PeacefulRainDrop]

When do you want to? Well actually you might be better off getting someone healthy he said you look healthy to me and I could get in q car accident on my way home not able to walk again God forbid health changes.. but if I have another seizure he said stop we will cross that bridge if we come to it. He didn't say he could treat me better then the other guys.. or put them down say they didn't deserve you he just listened abd said we will cross that bridge if we come to it and grabbed my hand.. This was our 3rd date we became a couple the next time we saw each other! He said he's never felt more loved yes it isn't easy but being with me makes him happy.. he feels like he has purpose taking care of me and honestly I can't imagine my life without him! he's incredible!

[Anonymous]

You accept that she’s just not into YOU and move on. There are multiple people anyone can be happy with. But if she’s not into you the relationship will always be lopsided and eventually she will cheat on you and ultimately dump you. Move on. You cannot compel a female to be attracted to you. It sucks when you’ve invested a lot of time and sucks worse if you’ve invested a lot of money in trying to woo her but consider it the cost of an education. If you get the hint and move on easily and with dignity you might even run into her a year or so later and she might see you with new eyes. Women sometimes need to sew wild oats first or maybe she needs to concentrate on academics right now. But whatever it is, at least for right now - she values it much more than you. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear. But 51% of people have vaginas so eventually you’ll meet a woman who wants you and that is paradise -

[perssy]

Yeah may be it's like that for many women who are really emotional cold may b bcz not being loved before or had broken and change th attitude towards the people

But In your case if she is saying that to leave her don't leave her bro , bcz she is saying that bcz she don't wanted you to hurt bcz she care for your, don't leave her stuck with her like shadows she will be opened up to you step by step , don't expect stupid things from her like you know , respect her , make her smile and laugh , may be she will ingnored you sometime time but be her bro she will be your 😉

[AmandaYVR]

Then tell her you'd still like to keep in contact and get to know her as friends. For many girls, that's how their relationships start.

Of your past romantic relationships, did they start out as friends?

[rjroy3]

Totally get it. But that starts the friendship off on the wrong foot, because it's dishonest. It's slow. It's also not what he wants, nor a higher probability of getting what he wants.

Basically going the friends route isn't helping anyone. I've met those guys that took the friend route with a girl i just met, hit on and she's into me now. I see the look in their eyes seeing me getting what they wanted and invested years into getting, but I walk up after almost nothing and I'm where they want to be.

You're essentially advocating the guy be in that position and if you sincerely think about it. It's a cowardly, weak position. Guys should decide what they want, accept it, then pursue what they want specifically.

Not do these little Weasley moves to get in there or sneak his way in.

[AmandaYVR]

@rjroy3 I disagree. You describe one scenario (yes, it's fairly common) but it's not the only way all people get the person they want. It's impatient and short-sighted.
We don't know any details of this situation, so strong opinions are just opinions. There is no one rule to apply to all.
Maybe this guy is shy, and he really, really like this girl, much more than just some vague interest. She also doesn't sound like someone who's going to run into a relationship with anyone. Nor that she's making excuses. She's nervous. You can't discount that.
If he doesn't want to get his hopes up, or waste time waiting for her, that's totally fine and healthy and acceptable too. But you can't tell every single guy out there "Don't waste your time. Friendzone is death" or something like that.
You're thinking like a man, not a woman, and not a sensitive person.
People always want to apply something that they went through. Or someone in their close circle went through. And that's fine. But that is drawing broad brush strokes from a tiny sampling.
Good/great relationships do not always happen quickly, easily, or without challenges. Do you have any idea how many people feel ignored, outcast, unappreciated, hurt, mistreated, abused?
And in my poll, half of pinks' relationships started as friends.

[rjroy3]

"You're thinking like a man, not a woman, and not a sensitive person."

Yes lol

And with all due respect I'm speaking not just from my experience or a person in my circle then doing broad strokes. Anywhere you go in the world you will see this happen. It's not just common but the norm.

There are times when it doesn't go down that road, but if we're talking about giving best advice it is far better to provide advice that is statistically the most beneficial to the individual.

He has known the girl for 3 weeks. They do not have a long history with one another. Your advice may be potentially okay for a guy who has history with a girl who has been attracted to and liked him for awhile but is shy.

But the vaaast majority of cases your advice longterm will not help this man. You mentioned using a broad brush. I'd say that's what you're using here but not as well because the situation you're referring to isn't anywhere near as common.

Disagreeing with it being a poor choice for the tact to take is fine. But you can't really argue that it's dishonest. Because he wants more and you're advocating pretending to be her friend first to get what he REALLY wants.

You might not look at it like that and say, "no I mean really take time to get to know her. Be her friend first. Then as a friend make moves" but that's just committing to the bit. Because he would be her friend exclusively for the purpose of getting with her later

Less bad emotionally but still dishonest

[AmandaYVR]

@rjroy3 It's not dishonest at all. They've obviously had a talk about their feelings. She knows he's interested. It just comes down to whether he wants to spend time on this or he believes it would be wasted. And I'm telling you that people do sometimes change their mind, get more comfortable, build trust, etc etc.

Neither of us can write a novel here. We both picked one approach and summarized it in a few sentences. But I'm saying they are potentially multiple ways this can go, and you're saying nah, it usually only goes one way. You may ignore my link and poll, but I won't. You're ignoring the female perspective and experience. And you are speaking as a guy who has zero feelings for this particular girl, so of course it's easy for you to tell him 'walk away.'

I agree about the 3 wks. That's nothing. He probably isn't that invested in her. But otoh, he's been working with her so he's known her much longer than that.

[rjroy3]

I've considered the female perspective quite a bit regarding this issue. I'm close with my sister, have many female friends, and have had a dating life almost longer than I can remember.

Knowing how girls widely tend to be and their motivations in situations like this. It is very rare for a girl to behave like this girl is and it not ultimately coming down to how attracted she is to him at this time and to some degree feeling he's too invested in her too soon.

Like how many examples can you think of where it wasn't that to some degree and she truly was just so in her head she couldn't pull the trigger and is running, when she has feelings for the guy?

Add to that. If you have any examples. How many happened inside a 3 week period?

"And you are speaking as a guy who has zero feelings for this particular girl, so of course it's easy for you to tell him 'walk away.'"

"I agree about the 3 wks. That's nothing. He probably isn't that invested in her"

These two ideas seem like they're conflicting. But I'm not just saying walk away. I'm saying he's known her for 3 weeks and needs to dial it back, because from her perspective what he's doing now is too intense.

And for his sake as a man he will be better off by focusing on other girls in the mean time while softening his approach with her. Not playing the friend.

[Sebass620]

I'm was on the same situation as you, but one day I just felt tired of feeling that nervousness and uncertainty of the future, that feeling can fuck your mind if you feel it for a long time. So at that moment I just wanted to feel good with myself again, I didn't wanted to feel so fucked up anymore, so I called her and told her I just wanted to feel good with myself and we acknowledge that bringing to the present feelings of the past isn't healthy, so at the and we agreed that I will give her time and space for her to overcome her emotional issues, and hope that at the future we can be just friends again, once she were emotionally stable. I think that's the best thing for both of you brother, just let her heal and look after yourself.

[crazy8000]

Don't bother.
Unavailable people must take themselves out of their own way. not others.
Waiting around or any other thing's is a waste of your life.
Personal would I put her in friendzone and treat her that way without benefits or making stuff for her. seeing others and date.
If she takes herself out of her own way she will show it by trying to make me her partner. if she tries make it hard and show her I have hard time taking her seriously. if she gives up she wasn't really that much into me for something longterm for the right reasons.

[akvalleygirl]

She's trying to protect herself from fear or guilt? She's probably been cheated on before, or possibly cheated on her past boyfriends and doesn't want that repeated. She might not feel deserving of your care and attention or she may just have trouble trusting? Or she just might be trying to let you down easy and honestly isn't that into you. That stings, but it's better to know sooner than later. Good luck!

[Asker]

She has mentioned how she has been cheated on, abused physically and emotionally, etc. Now that you mention it she also did say that it isn't fair to me that she isn't able to show how she truly feels about me even after i said i dont mind it.

[rjroy3]

"but is afraid she can't give me what i need"

Sadly she's not that into you. At some point you came across as too serious than she is ready for and she's not attracted to you enough to act on it.

The way to deal with her is shift your focus elsewhere. Keep a positive vibe for sure. But you have to dial back the seriousness by 10. Girls only say things like that if they feel you bring too clingy for a relationship or something serious when she feels she barely knows you

[alex199123]

I hope you made the right decision because I was in a similar situation where I tried to be friends and her true colors started to show and she was toxic and I'm left hurt. I shouldve moved on the second she said she was emotionally unavailable but I didn't know what that meant. Move on to someone else people like this need professional help, they always find themselves in toxic relationship. They push the good ones away because they can't let go of the past then the one person they settle with hurts them so its a continuous cycle that never ends of being hurt

[TwinkleLily5]

I’ve been this type of women myself, don’t waste your time. I’ve did tons of guys like this not to hurt them intentionally but I was just not ready. If you really like her don’t be to pushy. Give her time and space but remain in contact, don’t be to friendly with her or she will friendzone you and you won’t stand a chance 9/10.

[jshm2]

Son, ditch that drama ass, and save yourself the hassle. You want a relationship, not a mental health project.

She's probably one of those "fear to start" types. They're hard work as you have to jump through hoops to gain their trust. but any small thing could "break" it for them. Such people are never worth the emotional stress.

[Miristheiss]

I don't think I would be happy with someone like that.
Since there over 3.5 billion women on the Earth and I have lots of options and wouldn't want to settle with a situation I'd be unhappy in and since I've only been talking to her for 3 weeks... I would just keep looking and date someone else.

[Kaamraj]

She has given you an answer, that she's not available for a relationship with you. Now whether it's you or her, meaning she's just like that or she's just not into you now is only known to her. Best thing you can do is move on and don't waste your time. You've already wasted three weeks.

[Angelo75]

Well be ready for a rough ride.
She's got issues.
IF her issues are related to another guy, just RUN forest RUN. Or you'll be the rebound guy.
IF her issues are depression/anxiety/etc... well try to find out which of them and decide how to act further.

Either way, just start by knowing she's not gonna be an easy relationship.

[garykingg]

Dating is just a zero sum game.
Learn to be alone and be happy without women.
Work on yourself, your purpose and your legacy. Forget women and their emotions.
Don't waste the most valuable currency you have right now. Time. Spend it well and wisely.

Your older self will thank you.

[pleasestopthis]

I'm like her: walk away. People always try to sweet talk others into doing things even after being warned. You "only need her" now, but you'll probably figure down the road that what she is willing to give is not enough.

[Anonymous]

You should move on and forget about her. When a girl says she is not ready for a relationship again is because her heart has still someone else in it so you beimg there will just make the feeling for him get stronger because she will start to compare and you will end up losing anyway. If you like her so much you should stay away completely until she forget him and is ready to date.

[MzAsh]

Well, first this not not what it typically means to be “emotionally unavailable.” Secondly, I think she’s full of shit and just doesn’t want any to tell you she’s not feeling it with you.

[Titanya]

I don't agree. What does it then mean to be emotionally unavailable, other than her not being able to healthily be with and express her emotions or even open up to receive love?
Yeah I definitely agree that she's not into him as much as both would like because most women would try to adjust or accommodate a man if she feels a deep connection with him and sadly she doesn't feel that way for our guy here.
She could've easily ghost without explanation

[MzAsh]

Emotional unavailability typically means commitment issues. I don’t think that’s what’s going on here, at least not going by what has been explained. I think there is a lack of interest. Ghosting would have not been a good solution either.

[Titanya]

Exactly, what he described in the second paragraph screams commitment issues which would prohibit her from openly receiving love from him or properly demonstrating it as I mentioned.

[MzAsh]

I don’t agree.

[Uptowngirl88]

Agree , she is not interested in him. That's her way of taking the easy way out

[MzAsh]

Yeah I think she just didn’t want to tell him that. I’ve been there lol. For some reason why just don’t want to let people down and hurt their ego so we soften the blow with bs like “it’s not you, it’s me.”

[Uptowngirl88]

@MzAsh I've been there too that's how I know it was bs lol 😆

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

You only find those if you are also stuck in some unresolved story. To find which and deal with it is a huge effort/very very difficult (depending on who screwed it up for you and why - typically it is your foster parents (of course no one was adopted...)

[Khanqueror]

You DON’T deal with her and move on. I am speaking from personal experience. I used to like a girl and held on to her for 7 years. She kept saying she is not ready for a relationship. 7 years later i found out she secretly had a boyfriend and fucked him.

[Omario2049]

Q: How to deal with an emotional woman?
A: U don't!
Just by the way u sound in ur post I can tell u come off as desperate and will make her feel like she's the only girl u can get. WOMEN DON'T LIKE THAT AT ALL!!! She's probably freaking out thinking u're gonna kill her and wear her skin. U need to relax and calm ur hot ass down and play it cool. Make her feel like u don't NEED her and that u just want her.

[foundational23]

Honestly you’re setting yourself up for a failed relationship. That relationship will probably mentally break you, but teach you some when it ends. It’s best to just be her friend. Pretty sure the best start offs are usually the worst ends. Just saying…

[Titanya]

You almost sound poetic with the second to last line there...

[spartan55]

This is the same as the guy who tells a girl he "doesn't want anything serious" etc. She is telling you she is a potential psycho. Listen to her. Believe her. Don't think you make things different.

[Titanya]

Wowww sir lol
Potential psycho?
😂😭😭
But I agree with you

[spartan55]

@Titanya
A bit of hyperbole on my part. To drive my point home. 😁