Should I excuse his hookup behavior since we aren’t technically dating? Or is it a red flag?

[Anonymous]

I moved for a study abroad internship for half a year. Prior to moving I dated this dude casually for a few months but since I was moving away we kept it casual. I told him about a month ago that I’ll be returning home in a month and we should see each other and that I still have feelings for him. He agreed he wants to see me and he plans on seeing me. That was 3 weeks ago. I’ll be home in 1 week and he said he wants to see me next week.
However, he engages in casual sex. He did before we met and he does now. I don’t know how much but he’s not the type girls throw themselves at. My friend from back home said she saw him on tinder in the stack and it showed recently active. I see him follow random girls from our home town on Instagram like once every couple of weeks, so I assume he’s talking to these girls from the dating apps (don’t argue this please).

My question is, since we’ve been apart for so long and don’t have rules but he knows I want to see him and have feelings for him, and he promised to see me, is him talking to girls online and possibly hooking up a few times before I get home a red flag? Or is this normal guy behavior? Do I turn an eye and stop stalking him and just wait til I get home and see him? Or do I write him off?

[Anonymous]

Well if you guys haven’t discussed exclusivity prior to you moving then this shouldn’t be a problem. I get that you might be feeling upset and disappointed bc you expected him to not be sleeping around even when you guys weren’t exclusive but unfortunately what he’s doing is technically okay, it sucks but he gets away on technicality

[Asker]

Ah shit lol

[Anonymous]

You are seeking a serious relationship. He is seeking a hookup. Regardless of if he's "allowed," your priorities are clearly different. He's obviously not ready to settle down, which is a red flag when seeking a relationship.

[Asker]

But he knows I’m wanting a relationship so why would he see me

[Opinion Owner]

Men who want hookups don't actually care what you want most of the time. Either way, they are still getting what they want.

[Asker]

But he knows I won’t be hooking up with him..

[Opinion Owner]

Some men see that as a challenge. Either way, your priorities are different. This will most definitely be an issue later on if you pursue it.

[OlderAndWiser]

Do you ever promise exclusivity to each other? If not, he is free to pursue whoever he wants to pursue. If you want to resume but be exclusive, then have that discussion with him.

[Asker]

We did not. We don’t even know if we’re still into each other since I haven’t seen him for several months. But if he’s talking to a bunch of girls it just makes me think he isn’t relying on anything between me and him happening

[OlderAndWiser]

Should he be relying on it when you haven't seen each other in several months and there was not promise of commitment? It sounds like that is what you wanted but you never discussed it.

[Asker]

Well he knows I had a lot of feelings for him, I told him so..

[OlderAndWiser]

Is you wanted him to be exclusive and wait for you, then you should have had an explicit discussion instead on making assumptions. Maybe he assumed that YOU did not want that since you never raised the subject for discussion.

[Asker]

I guess I never did tell him that... I’ve just been messaging him a lot and showing him attention thinking that would show that?

[OlderAndWiser]

Girls love to give hints instead of communicating directly. The problem is that what you do to hint at something might mean something different coming from another girl, so guys don't even try to decipher your hints.

[okeydoke]

Why would it be a red flag? He’s allowed to see people if you’re not in a monogamous relationship. So are you.

[Asker]

I know he’s allowed but if he is expecting to be with me why bother talking to other girls? So then it makes me feel like he isn’t serious about anything real with me

[okeydoke]

Take it one step at a time. Why would he be expecting anything? That’s weirdly presumptuous.

[Asker]

What do you mean? I’m jumping the gun aren’t I

[okeydoke]

You are definitely jumping the gun. Slow down.

[Asker]

Ok. I will.