Why are children (ages 12-14) so desperate for a romantic and affectionate relationship?

Question

I remember when I was 12-14 and I was SOOO desperate to find love. It was all I thought about. Now when I am older I see that other kids think the same. I was the other day speaking to a 12 year old and he told me that he was depressed because he wants love but can't find it. (not in a sexual way) Why is that?

Lliam · Accepted Answer

This is one of the best questions I've seen. I've never heard it asked. I don't even know if there are any academic papers on the subject. But the fact that kids in early adolescence, beginning as early as 10 years old, begin to long for romance, even if they know nothing about sexuality, is universal.

One only has to look at the number of movies and songs targeted for that age demographic. They never mention age, but children relate to the characters in animated films because they look very young. Songs never specify any age under 16, but younger kids relate to the references to teen age love.

So I think media plays a huge role in inspiring such achingly earnest desires for "love". At the same time, media is just reflecting a fact of reality by playing to a market that already exists.

It goes all the way back to stories like Romeo and Juliet.

For kids, it's all bout an innocent longing, but where does that desire come from?

It may begin much earlier. I think of attachment to pets at an early age. I remember my younger sister sitting under a tree with a kitten when she was no more than three years old. She was petting the kitten while quietly singing "Oh my darlin' kitty, oh my darlin' kitty" (to to the tune of Clementine) with the deepest, aching love. A few years ago, a friend told me how she saw her son doing the same thing with his pet dog. His guts were aching with love for his pet.
And then there is the compulsion of young girls to have a baby of their very own. They love and care for dolls with every maternal instinct in their soul.
Boys have similar emotions, but they manifest differently. Girls tend to be the nurturers.

When the hormones of puberty start to kick in, the same built-in emotions amplify through the roof. Plus, by that age, kids are getting old enough to imagine themselves as adults. They want to mimic what they have seen adults doing. They've seen the movies and heard the songs, and they've seen older teens and young adults holding hands, hugging, kissing, and gazing into each other's eyes. The desire for such bonding fills them with hormonal feelings. It's deep and visceral. They want someone of their very own. They fantasize about "true love", "love at first sight", and the fairy tale ending "they lived happily ever after".

Kids are also full of drama. They imagine that no one ever has experienced what they are experiencing. They also think everything is the end of the world. "She rejected me. My life is over." "I'll never love anyone else."

I'm thinking that the phenomenon you mentioned goes as deep as hard wiring in our DNA. It's at the core of our desire to procreate (bear and nurture offspring). It's instinctual and hormonal, not logical.

What's interesting is, those powerful visceral feelings are what we associate with love. What they actually are, though, are what we experience when infatuated. And is there any more intensely wonderful feeling than being deeply bonded in infatuation with someone who reciprocates it? In infatuation, we project our feelings onto our partner and believe they are the most wonderful person who was every born. Infatuation always fades (but not necessarily disappears) as reality gradually sets in and the hormonal feelings dissipate. But we cling to the feelings of infatuation, and they often form the basis of a lifelong romance.

iluvtoknow · Accepted Answer

People naturally want to be happy, and there's nothing in the world that can provide more happiness than mutual emotional intimacy with another human being. When you're 12 to 14, for the first time in your life you're (1) attracted to the opposite sex and (2) semi-autonomous. You're growing up, and the avenue to love looks open to you, so you want to take it.

Then, with the abundance of romantic and affectionate relationships in children's media (e. g. Kim and Ron in Kim Possible, Percy and Annabeth in Percy Jackson, etc.), children are inspired to find something like that in their own lives.

I don't think that desire ever truly goes away. People might get distracted with sex for a while in their later teens and 20s or disillusioned with romance because they don't think it's an attainable goal, but they'll usually revert to that desire for a romantic and affectionate relationship as they mature. That's why people eventually get married. People are social creatures. To care for others and be cared about in turn is the whole point—that's always been part of being human.

But not everyone has those gaps, and some people stay like that even past 12-14—me for example. My greatest dream is a lifelong romantic and affectionate relationship, and I'd give almost anything to have it—though I also realize that it's one of those things that becomes less likely to happen the more you harp on it, so I focus more on being the best self I can be everyday and will be ready when the time comes.

Little_Bumblebee · Accepted Answer

I agree with @arsh01  But also, I think some can be because they lack intimacy or love from family and/or friends.

pink_and_inlove · Accepted Answer

I think that’s because that’s the age that your hormones start acting up

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

At that age you start getting slapped with loads of hormones, physical and mental changes.

you start to pick out various aspects on both genders that at some level appeal to you.

Your brain starts toying with endorphins and other chemicals, these often produce a need to be close to others.

The pleasure endorphins can be triggered with real friendship, closeness, the thought friendship with others, a ton of various things.

an example is reading a book at say 9 and 12, at 12 you are more likely to pick up the romance of the characters.

the body and brain is also looking towards sexuality, sex, relationships etc this means test runs as it tries to find out what works with each person.

Apraxia · Answer

I have plentttyy of ideas why but I’ll just share the first one:

to be honest I think it’s media, it’s a normal thing to be thinking at that age but, if you look at every movie today, action, comedy, they all include romance. At a younger age like that kids are still naive (hell I’m still naive now). Every good story ends when the protagonist wins their partner, life then seems to get better, you share it with someone.

I also think people experience this late teens either as (if not more) extreme we just hide it more to seem more, non-chalant, or mature.

MJtheCoach · Answer

Because of Internet and them owning a cell phone since they were two years old they have been exposed to what A 34-year-old would have been exposed to 20 years ago!

Now they’re going to have sex with more people a girl who is 16 has more experience than me and sex.
I remember a 16 year old me how she loves when guys stick toys or their fingers in her an#s!
I said how many guys have you slept with she said I don’t know?
Tiktok generation! Absolutely dumbing down of humanity.

Arsh01 · Answer

It's just because it's a puberty stage where u start developing. Physically and mentally. You start attracted to the opposite sex. It's a period you can't control you hormonal development.

Interstate · Answer

It could be his upbringing and the way he sees his Parents interact with each other. Another influence is Television today where there are shows about young teens and their other half. They see it and because it is so REALISTIC, it is making them believe they have to be just like the characters on the screen.

HighValue · Answer

They are forced to mature too soon because of bad parenting. (giving them smart phones and unsupervised access to the internet.)

888theGreat · Answer

because their parents both work 15 hours a day to pay for a mansion that cost 2 million and only see their kids one hour a day or they have one parent on drugs and haven't talked to their real dad in 10 years.

JHNS98 · Answer

They sould be. Otherwise they become like me. Just look at some of my questions and you will understand my point.

bulletbob555 · Answer

Could be possible we so want to be older when that age. They see parents and older people in relationships the media. It just a perception that they need someone to make themselves whole

globetrotter22 · Answer

Hormones are hitting and emotions are an absolute over drive. Kids are getting acquainted with this.

Sam_The_Savage · Answer

It's normal honey... I lost my virginty when I was 14 😘

Julious0202 · Answer

I think you are talking about the minority of children

Smashingdoozy · Answer

Hormones. That's really the only answer

crmoore · Answer

I'd imagine it's simply due to puberty.

Dinosaursandanime65 · Answer

High Price on your Head: Pilot

FireFox001 · Answer

Hormones. Simole as that.

Anonymous · Answer

Pressure from peers and society.

Fuentes · Answer

Lack of attention

lycanthrope3 · Answer

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