Out of town guy said he was trying not to have a one night stand w me out of respect, but I was really hurt?

[Confusedblondegirl]

it felt like rejection. i know he was trying to do the right thing but i wasn’t even looking for a one night stand. i just wanted to talk to him about us maybe dating.

[SteveSmith1985]

I can appreciate where you're coming from in feeling hurt. I can tell you that you shouldn't be... insofar as:

**What you heard was not what this guy was saying**

So, If I am reading this right:

This guy tells you he wasn't trying to have a one-night stand out of respect. Since you're hoping to have a conversation about maybe dating... a one-night stand wasn't on your mind.

So when he says he doesn't want to have a one-night stand... what you 'hear' is:

1. He sees you as "a girl with whom to have a one-night stand", rather than "as a girl to date".

This makes sense (but is nonetheless wrong). You're thinking "wait? who said anything about a one-night stand?"

2. He is rejecting YOU (as a whole; as a relationship prospect) when he pre-emptively rejects the idea of having sex with you. (Even though a one-night stand wasn't what you were looking for). This also makes sense. It's like an 'emotional reflex' to feel rejected when someone you have feelings for says "just so you know... I don't want to fuck".


If you take a step back, and really look at this... then your initial reaction quickly proves to be straight-up wrong. (Which is fine. I'm not knocking you. I would likely feel the same way in your shoes... initially at least).

So look at it from his perspective:


It sounds like it's a situation where you and a guy are talking... and... there's some mutual interest being shown... but nobody has explicitly said anything about dating yet.
Now for whatever reason, this guy (who so far has been long-distance) is in-town, temporarily or permanently. If I'm wrong in that assumption... well this is all going to not apply... and I encourage you to be more detailed in your questions. 😀

But If I'm right...

As a guy... there IS a lot of pressure in that situation! So here's this girl (you) who he has been talking to, and he's interested in dating...

So far, sex hasn't even been a possibility. So while you're 'getting to know each other' and something seems to be clicking between the two of you... there has been no question/pressure when it comes to "sex between you two". That's the nature of the 'out of town' thing (as I'm interpreting it).

So, all of a sudden this guy is in a situation where the physical possibility of sex is on the table. AND IT'S HAPPENING AT A SUPER INCONVENIENT TIME IN THE EVOLUTION OF WHATEVER YOU TWO ARE'.

That, I think is very very key. He is put in an awkward spot. You see, from his perspective... HE'S wondering/worried/stressing about the question:

**"Does she hope/expect to have sex when we see each other."?**

That question hangs HEAVY in the air in this situation. It is the 'elephant in the room'. A guy (rightly or wrongly) will feel like the pressure is on HIM. He knows that you have SOME expectation--one way or the other--when it comes to whether or not you were looking for/hoping for sex.

He also knows that if you ARE hoping for sex... and it doesn't happen... that you're going to be left feeling confused as well as rejected.


So, he decided to make it clear that he did not intent to try and have sex with you. To 'bring it out in the open'. To address explicitly the elephant in the room. He was trying to head-off any misunderstandings.

He was trying to say:

****I LIKE YOU TOO MUCH to try and have a one-night stand with you. I don't see you like I do most girls. I see you as a girl with relationship potential.******

THAT really IS what he was saying!

You shouldn't feel rejected AT ALL. That's just not what he was saying. Quite the opposite.

I may have completely misinterpreted the nature of your situation. If not, I think you need to step back and re-examine this. The way you feel is incongruent with what ACTUALLY happened. It was actually 'good news' that he said what he said. 🙂

[Confusedblondegirl]

i feel blessed that you responded. this is exactly spot on. you have a talent. from the little info i gave you this is crazy

[Confusedblondegirl]

now with you understanding this, i wonder what the best thing for me to say is now to him? to resolve things?

[Confusedblondegirl]

I also have to add, on top of this… months after this happened he got in a serious relationship. i thought him rejecting me was because he liked this girl more than me

[SteveSmith1985]

I'm so glad this was applicable to your situation. I will happily give you my opinion on 'how to resolve this' and 'what's best to say now". I will, however, need a whole lot more information about this situation. So unless you're really opposed to it, I think you'd better PM me. Because I need to know "the story" of you two. Your history in as much detail as possible. I usually AM pretty good at 'reading' situations.

But in reading your replies to some other responses here... It's clear to me that I need to know more. For example, you mentioned that this happened some time ago. How have things been between you two since this happened? Have you been talking? Did things change? Was he at all aware of your being upset?

Him getting into a serious relationship months after this happened is something I would need more details about. I can't say at this point whether he was rejecting you FOR her. It doesn't sound like it on the surface, but again... I can't draw any conclusions yet.

So message me, and lets get into the nitty-gritty. I'm sure I can give you some useful advice/perspective. But I need ALL the details. 🙂

[lightbulb27]

that isn't a question...

sounds like mis communication, which hits on some deeper sense of concern... fear... which appears to persist.
clarification, finding the deeper emotions, and communication to resolve.

[kyleelyn199723]

This is very confusing. You are upset that he didn’t want a one night stand, but also wanted to date him. Do you not understand that one night stands don’t mix with dating? Why are you upset that this man didn’t decide to treat you like a piece of meat?

[Confusedblondegirl]

this was a while ago and he’s just telling me this now. that night i misinterpreted his actions as him not wanting/liking me.

[kyleelyn199723]

See exactly! Me and my man took 4 months to become intimate before we started dating. If it were up to me, we would’ve had sex on the first night, but my man is more respectful and wanted to wait. Men that want to wait tend to be more respectful and conservative

[Confusedblondegirl]

do a year i thought this was a major rejection. but apparently he just didn’t think dating was in the cards because we live in different states. i cried for months

[kyleelyn199723]

I mean long distance is very hard.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Sounds like a nice guy, had you done the one night stand it may have ruined any potential future.

You should be happy he respect you enough to not use you.

[Confusedblondegirl]

i didn’t want a one night stand though

[Aerissa_Jade]

Yet he respected you not to do one, so he must of... weird. I can see why you would take it as rejection because he only saw you as fun for a one night stand but respected you to not go for it. He never saw you as anything more?

[Confusedblondegirl]

he said he didn’t know when he’d see me again (we live in different states)

[Albino010]

Don't be hurt, he haven't done that to hurt you or to cause you harm, he did because it's the right thing to do.

[Nahid1707]

Yea you seem upset