Help! I've fallen for two different boys. Help me figure out which to invest in?

[Anonymous]

Mr. P is attractive, invested in his health, and completely in love with me. He's got lots of time to spend with me, but no money to spend on me. We've established an excellent conversational repertoire. Frankly, he lights my loins on fire and is exciting to be around, he likes to hit the town and show me off.
Mr. S is good-looking, invested in his education, and seems to really like me. He's got a stable job that takes up most of his time but buys me flowers before every date. He's a "rock" and probably the more emotionally stable man I've encountered. He's a big teddy bear and likes to listen to me talk.

Mr. Passionate

Mr. Stable

Updates

1 y

I pursued a relationship with Mr P, we dated for roughly 4 months & broke up 3 times (toxicity!). We had a lot of fun together but we also fought & became resentful of each other. Only hindsight is 20/20; however, deep down I think I knew Mr P was not going to be long-term but I didn't want to stop thinking with my hormones. To anyone in a similar situation: go for your equivalent of Mr S if you want a lasting relationship. Mr P's are rollercoaster flings. Use your brain!

[kyleelyn199723]

Honestly, you didn’t hit any marks for me that would insist one of these guys is better /worse than the other. I think the bottom line is which to you is a better fit for your life and which one do you like just a little bit more? To me, it seems like you like the first option better but the 2nd option you are seeing better qualities and want to keep him around because of that. So all and all I think you should pick the first option because you have room for both of you to grow into a nice couple, that is as long as he actually has a plan to get his money up and isn’t unmotivated. If he has no plans on becoming a better man , then go with option 2

[Asker]

Mr. P dreams of wealth and success, but his work ethic in school could use some, well, work. He's incredibly diligent about other things though, so it's not like he's incapable.

[kyleelyn199723]

@askeer if you don’t mind me asking, how old is he?

[Asker]

He's in his early 30's. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but the other part says his brain is fully developed and he'll likely never change.

[kyleelyn199723]

@asker does he have a good job? I really think you should aim for a convo with him regarding what he wants to do in the future and if it’s not a valid answer that will be helpful in the future definitely pick the 2nd one.

[Asker]

He says he wants to finish his associate in the business and become a franchiser for a chain restaurant company. He's been hired on as one. He talks about how he wants to be wealthy one day but I'm unsure he has the grit to do it.

[kyleelyn199723]

Hmmm well everyone has a dream to become wealthy, but not everyone is going to be wealthy in this world. Life doesn’t guarantee wealth especially with the government we have. I think you need to look at your life desires. Hear me out: guy number two may not even have the means to be rich either. Being career driven, is just being career driven. Him giving you materialistic things doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich or has enough money. My boyfriends friends ask to borrow money from my boyfriend to take their girlfriends on dates here and there. It’s a game of impressing a woman but that doesn’t signify that he has money.

[kyleelyn199723]

Does guy number 2 has a greater chance of becoming successful than guy 1? Definitely so. I think it just depends on who you like more. Is being wealthy and successful more important to you than finding someone that you truly like and has potential to still give you a good life?

[nova94]

First off, good for you in keeping your options open. Not a lot of women I feel like can do that, at least for me.

While Mr. P sounds great, if he doesn't have money to spend on you then that could potentially lead into some resentment. I'm not saying every man should always pay have have money but I think it'll eventually lead to situations where you're wondering why you're not being spoiled or taken on nice dates.

Mr. S - stable sounds great but exactly how busy is he and how busy are you? If you are both equally busy people then your schedules might not work but if he's invested and you are too, you can make it work

[Asker]

Thank you. I've been called a whore so many times for casually dating- even if I don't sleep with them!

[LegendaryIcon]

BIASED MHO

[ohboyohboy76]

As a Mr. S myself, I find stability to be overrated. For one, I look stable but underneath I'm a complete mess. It's actually ok--around my closest companions, I can show this, and I can still be a rock for the people around me too. But be wary of stability.
The real answer is probably inside you. Think (for example) about what you worry most about missing in your life down the road. Which one would be most likely to provide that?

[LegendaryIcon]

BIASED MHO

[nova94]

^biased how

[Asker]

@LegendaryIcon find me a more helpful MHO & I'll agree good sir

[IMuser]

I personally hate to say this, but choose the Stable one. Passion can be kindled but stability is hard to achieve

(As long as you bring with Mr Stable will not have an adverse effect on his education)

In the best case scenario, you can ask both of them for a poly relationship

[Asker]

Can I ask why you hate to say that? Thank you for your opinion by the way.

[IMuser]

Because the ultimate decision went on basis of how much money one has. If both had the same money, the health conscious guy would be the best pick

[Asker]

Neither is rolling is dough. The stable one is interested in law school, which I find impressive. The passionate man is working on his associates, very slowly.
I want to be a professional anyway, so how much money they make isn't so much an issue as long as I'm not exploited for mine.

[IMuser]

If you can go open, stay open for now. In the best case, the relationship can turn into polygamy

In the normal case, the one with the stronger foundation is always preferred

[SecretsofKB]

So I'm going to overlook how you managed to get yourself into a little love triangle to begin with, but frankly, this isn't a question you need to be asking random internet strangers...

This is a question that should be reserved for your family or closest friends, and even that is a stretch.

You are the one that will be with the person. It should be you thinking about it and figuring it out for yourself.

[Asker]

Thank you for your take on my predicament. I ended up in this situation by casually dating multiple people, as one does when looking for a relationship, but I've narrowed it down to these two. They are both aware of the other and aware I am going on dates. I promised no exclusivity and have openly encouraged them to go on dates with other women as well; I want them to be sure they like me and aren't settling or just infatuated.

[SecretsofKB]

Ah, I see. Well, if everyone was informed and willingly participating then great.

It is always interesting to hear from people that can casually date like you. Personally, I can't talk with more than one person at a time. Just feels a little off to me. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with it so long as everyone is okay.

But yeah, to be safe, I suggest you do a lot of thinking for yourself. Like I said, they are going to be your partner. Not anyone else's.

[Asker]

Thanks, KB, and yeah I'm kinda new to the dating several people casually thing. It felt wrong at first, but if everyone is informed and being healthy my therapist and friends agree it's ethical.

[skyeee01]

all i have to say is if you liked the first one enough you wouldn't have fallen fo the second one! But that aside, who fits into your life better, who do you see a future with more? Go on a few dates n keep your options open, as long as they are both aware you are still single to a extent so they don't get hurt n you lose both, keep pursuing both and see which one you end up falling for first!

[Asker]

I was casually seeing the first one when I met the second. I wasn't head over heels at that time for either.

[OddBeMe]

Ask a friend to flip a coin and then see which boy you’re hoping it landed on.

[Asker]

We did this! Except I still was indecisive):

[OddBeMe]

Still? Girl you fickle.

[Asker]

You're not wrong. I hope as I get older I get my values lined up and become more decisive.
I imagined breaking up with both of them and both scenarios make me feel sick. I feel incredibly selfish to want both. I know you can't have your cake and fuck it too.

[OddBeMe]

Are the boys that different?

[Asker]

They're both pretty funny and I find both to have attractive faces. They both seem intelligent but only Mr. S has a degree. Mr. P has failed multiple college courses. Mr. P is obsessed with his fitness, and it shows. Mr. S seems comfortable in his dad bod but I know he's been hitting the gym, however, he's not obsessive like the first. As an obsessive person myself, it makes zero sense how one could NOT get obessed!

[OddBeMe]

are you a gym rat?

[Asker]

I used to be, I'm not really anymore. I go 2-4 times a week, weightlifting. I remain in good shape from my bodybuilding days. Is it shallow I'm not attracted to heavier guys? I suppose I worry that if I go for Mr. S I will be overall dissatisfied with my sexual attraction to him if it doesn't develop further.

[OddBeMe]

gym rats are tough to be with if you aren't one.

[Asker]

You are correct my good sir.

[OddBeMe]

I guess look at everyday stuff you'd have in common

[exitseven]

I would go for the stable guy.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/txTEhgReZUA

[Asker]

what a banger of song! G bless.

[exitseven]

thanks I just thought of it.

[Asker]

thank you for your take- and what a good song!

[exitseven]

you are very welcome. 😎

[Jamie05rhs]

They both sound great. Just go with the one who has better morals and won't cheat on you.

[Gingerguy33]

Only your heart can decide this one but in my opinion just don’t let money be a big decision maker..

[Asker]

My heart is attracted to red flags lol. The money is a reflection of appropriate spending habits in my opinion, I don't want to get involved with someone who cannot make good choices or support themselves. As for me, I desire my own financial independence, which I currently have.

[Wise4myage]

C. Go on several dates with both of them and then decide.

[Asker]

I've been going on dates with both for several months. Well, Mr. P has taken me on one date but we hang out a lot. Mr. S has taken me on many dates & we've hung out in casual settings some too.

[Wise4myage]

Sounds like Mr. S is more interested in you.

[Asker]

He definitely makes more of an effort to be a gentleman. But he never comes onto me (initiating kissing etc.) so I generally feel undesired. I don't know if I should bring it up to him that I prefer the man to initiate, or just say hey that's how he is, and let it go.

[Wise4myage]

Say something.

[Asker]

I'm meeting with him when he's off work tonight. I feel sick thinking about it with this whole predicament.

[Wise4myage]

Flip a coin.

[Jamie05rhs]

Yeah. I agree with @Wise4myage. Say something to him. In his mind, he's probably just showing you respect by keeping his hands to himself.

[Asker]

@Jamie05rhs UPDATE: I said something, and it was absolutely the case he didn't want to smother me! I don't know why I read it as disintrest!

[Jamie05rhs]

@Asker Aren't you glad you have me around to explain these things? 😅 Lol

[LegendaryIcon]

think you need to figure out what YOU want, not what you THINK you want

[Asker]

I WANT Mr. P, but he's a walking red flag. I asked him to go to therapy for his lying issue. I feel like that's a bad sign. I KNOW Mr. S could give me a happy, stable relationship. But I'm so used to chaos I'm bored with stability- even though I know it'd be good for me. I find myself almost bored with him because he's so calm.

[LegendaryIcon]

Yeah, it goes back to Eve telling adam to eat the apple

[Asker]

elaborate on this, please?

[LegendaryIcon]

im not a bible thumper, im just sayin', it goes back to eve telling adam to eat the apple

[Asker]

No, I didn't think you were thumping your bible at me. I just mean, the story is packed with symbolism, and I was curious how it was applicable to my situation. I believe the bible has great wisdom, I just wish I was better at extracting it!

[LegendaryIcon]

think about it. it's clear as day

[Jamie05rhs]

@LegendaryIcon Just help her out, dude. Stop being a douche.

[IMuser]

i think the simplest explanation is: Eve wanted something exciting, something forbidden. Adam wanted stability and feared that doing something which they have no knowledge of could be dangerous. Makes sense?

[Asker]

@IMuser Yes! Thank you for the breakdown, very helpful.

[Jamie05rhs]

@IMuser I agree. Well said.

[JesseJayNeak]

Mr. Passionate is the better choice

[Asker]

May I ask how you came to this conclusion?

[JesseJayNeak]

Because that’s the type of partner you’d want to keep in the long run

[Asker]

You may be correct. Thank you for your take!

[Steve-ram]

Ask your heart and fuck the money

[Asker]

Steve, my boy, if I could trust my heart I wouldn't have to put a poll up lmao. But seriously, heart says Mr. P but head says Mr. S

[Steve-ram]

Listen the money will gone someday but the love will stay

[Anonymous]

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