Long distance dating isn't my thing. Why do I do this?

[JHNS98]

So I matched with this girl on Facebook Dating, call her Jodie. We texted for a while before our first phone call, which was great and lasted almost two hours. I think we talked one more time since then, she doesn't even respond to my texts or pick up my phone calls. But she does sometimes respond to me on Facebook Dating DMs. Yes, we didn't even move to regular Facebook Messenger...

We started talking about finally actually seeing each other, but niether of us have driving licenses and/or access to cars, so we're basically dependent on a six-hour, 240-mile, bus journey with only one return journey available per day. She cites financial issues as why she can't come to me, whereas I just want to know that she picks up my phone calls before I commit to that bus journey.

I remember being like this while dating a crush, call her Brenda, in high school as well. Distances and travel was not as much of an issue as she lived in a suburb within my city, but I was really dependent on buses, which are infrequent to that suburb. I basucally said no when she asked me over to her place to hang out with her and her friend one day, because it was too much of a hassle for me to get there.

And now I find myself in a similar situation with Jodie, but more exaggerated of cours with a 200+ mile distance rather than the three miles between me and Brenda at the time we "dated".

So why do I have such a need to control the terms when meeting up is even remotely complicated?

Updates

1 y

I have optic atrophy, due to which I never learned to manage traffic when riding a bicycle. This is what makes me dependent on public transit. Although the nearest stop on one of the lines to where Brenda lives was only a mile's walk through the woods from where I lived at the time we "dated", the service on that bus line was - and still is - so poor that I'd have to time the walk decently with the timetable to not wait too long at that roadside bus stop on a highly congested road.

[Anonymous]

“Long distance dating isn’t my thing” — and you can’t force it to be your thing. I’d understand having optimism if there was a silver lining somewhere, but this situation is incredibly bleak. You two live so far apart I’m surprised you even matched, but it’s extra undoable when both of your financial situations cannot accommodate such a relationship. There’s more than transportation fare getting there to consider, but also getting around once you arrive, along with lodging (if you can’t stay at one another’s home), meals, and activities (mostly dates). On top of all this, she's not investing into growing with you, like ignoring your messages or taking long to respond. I read your responses to the other guy, and I understand you have a hard time approaching women, but that doesn’t mean you cling for dear life onto a situation that isn’t made for you, just for the sake of having companionship. It’s a waste of your time, and it’s a waste of hers. So I’d call it quits, and if that’s too hard then slowly drift away or something. Believe it or not she is not the only woman who will be interested in you.

[JHNS98]

I appreciate your concern. But without going into too much detail, I can say that neither lodging nor local transportation are huge issues for any of us. My housing cooperative has a guest appartment, and I think she lives alone. The town where she lives is not that big, covering only 1.37 square miles, so walking is not an issue.

The most expensive thing is the long-distance bus, urban buses in my city only cost $2-$3 depending on when you buy your ticket (higher fares onboard). Yeah, the dates themselves are probably the biggest issue for me and Jodie. Thanks for the encouragement at the end as well, I guess... She definitely seems like a waste of time, online dating is extremely difficult for me.

[MrOracle]

Long-distance dating is a horrible idea for everyone, especially starting a relationship that way.

If you want a relationship, then you need to make having one a priority, and that means you may need to move to a more urban area with better public transportation and more single women that are local. What you should NOT do is get on dating apps where you are going to meet women who are too far away from you that you can't spend time with. That just sets you up for failure and wastes everyone's time and energy.

You have some limitations that require a more specific plan (but not much different, really), so make your plans and carry them out, so that you are in a position to carry something through. Right now, you are not.

[JakeS00]

I’d let her know it’s tough for you and respect it.

[JHNS98]

The funny thing is that she doesn't seem to care. She doesn't text back whenever I talk about communictation.

[JakeS00]

I think I would move on from her. Communication is really important. Or she’s immature too.

[JHNS98]

It's hard for me to move on. Not just that I'm a man if you know what I mean. But I was bullied for the better part of middle school, which made me shy. This means that I don't really talk to girls unless they talk to me, which is rare. That only ever happened once so far, and I messed that up as well.

Combine the shyness with a defeatist mindset towards rejection that I adopted in high school and you have my dating life, or rather lack thereof.