Can I get some male perspective please?

Question

As a man, when you are dating. Is it essential for you to set the tone of the relationship?
Is it imperative that if you invite a woman into your home and when she invites you into hers, you put things in place to assert your dominance or position?

Is it essential for you to make full use of her attempts to please and accommodate you, so that she thinks only of your needs and very little of her own?

Is this what is done until the hierarchy is established?
Or is this just a certain type of man behaviour?

SteveSmith1985 · Accepted Answer

This... doesn't sound good. At all.

The extent to which this happens, should be something that you just naturally slip into. Like there's a power-relationship in every interaction with another person. But... nobody thinks about it... because it just "happens". If you're in a situation where you're conscious of someone trying to "exhert or show dominance"... then that means something has gone sideways. That's in any human-interactions in general.

Now, in your intimate relationships, if one partner consciously feels the other is attempting to assert their dominance... something has gone SERIOUSLY sideways. That is a red-flag for sure.

"the Hierarchy" is not something that (most guys) ever actually THINK about. It's not something a guy take any steps whatsoever to establish or maintain... it just "happens'. And it should happen in a way that feels good, and right, and fair, and caring. It happens in any relationship.

It only happens the way your describing in a bad relationship. (no offence).

This is not typical man behavior.

This IS typical behavior of certain 'types' of men.

These are not the 'type' of men I would like to see any woman I care about become involved with.

It is only typical of certain types of men. These men can have different reasons/rationales for their behavior. Some might have a well-thought-out (bullshit) theory about "what women truly want" and actually make a point to establish dominance, or to make sure that you're never fully secure in knowledge of his affection for you. Other guys might just be insecure and compensating, or have had a poor example in their own fathers.

It doesn't particularly matter WHY. The point is, that this indicates a guy who has some unhealthy views about relationships, and/or women. These can be "consciously held" views or "unconsciously (unarticulated) held" views.

What is of particular concern is your feeling that you don't have time to see properly to your own needs, because you are too occupied attending to his.

To me, a relationship should be BOTH of you trying to please and accommodate each other. Over-and-over in a never-ending reciprocal give-and-take. That... come to think of it, is the essence of the "practical" aspects of a relationship (day-to-day on the ground).

You are the only one working to make your partner happy. Or if he's trying, he is not succeeding.

This... to me sounds like nothing but bad news. Nothing about this seems 'ok' or 'normal' or 'right' to me.

At MINIMUM you need to have an "open and honest talk" about all of this. Explain to him how this looks from your perspective, and how it's making you feel. Try and make it a "discussion" rather than an argument.

If you don't see yourself getting anywhere with such a talk. You should end this relationship.

If you were someone I knew better I would tell you to get out of this relationship. I cannot imagine these fundamental flaws in his view of women and/or relationships are likely to change. These views of his are incompatible with a healthy, happy long-term relationship.

You... should find a guy who'll try as hard to make you happy; as you're willing to try to make your partner happy.

Girlfriends should not feel their boyfriend is exerting or establishing dominance. That's super-fucked-up.

Just one male perspective. 🙂

dynamicyandere · Accepted Answer

For a guy that likes taking the lead, he may default to that. However, unless agreed upon prior, things should default to a 50/50 model of leadership. The relationship should be co-lead unless consensually agreed upon otherwise.

Sometimes within a should-be-50/50 relationship, the woman may seize control and dominate the relationship or the man may seize control and dominate the relationship. If it’s not consensual, then it’s done through pressure and manipulation.

This isn’t respectful and is sure to make the other partner upset and stressed if this arrangement wasn’t agreed upon. This is how someone ends up with a bossy controlling partner—someone who exerts their unsolicited control over the other.

So, it sounds like a guy that doesn’t respect boundaries—which isn’t good—and this doesn’t represent all guys.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

I try to always demonstrate that I want an equal partner in a relationship, a girl who doesn't walk behind me or in front of me, but is at my side, hand in hand, facing things together.

Lionman95 · Answer

I think it depends on the guy. I try to send the tone in dating because most girls I met online left or ghosted me when it seemed I left the decision mostly to depend but that doesn´t mean that I want to create a hierarchy I´m just not the guy that go with the flow so to say.
I´m a planing type of guy but it´s to put her down but rather to give her a clear view of who I am and what my goals in life are.
I think there are guys out there that either grew up with the idea that there is supposed to be a hierarchy in a relationship or they got it from porn or other sources.
It´s definetely not all guys but some guys are fighting for it because it turns them on.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Nah that sounds far too controlling and personally a load of bollox.

a relationship is about mutual satisfaction, about communicating how both are, what both expect from the relationship, boundaries, limits.

it’s about mutual respect and trust.

That type of relationship would be terrible where she only thinks if guys needs and not her own.

A lot of my relationships have been BDSM types, with a Dom / sub relationship, even those are mutual and have limits, boundaries etc that both agree to.

Adronicus · Answer

I would say I'm more concerned with my partners satisfaction than my own. I'm a X4 planet Virgo & I'd be surprised if you ever meet a man that much invested into details.

I'm also a Venus in full moon Cancer so few women ever find out. If I invite a woman home that's VERY SERIOUS. Hasn't happened yet.

My moms never met any of my gfs/fwbs. Never found one willing to invest as much into a relationship than I am.

In a relationship I'm ALL IN, unfortunately that seems to be taken for granted rather than reciprocated & I have no problems walking away after that points been reached.
I can be very dominate in the bedroom but I don't always have to be in control. I can share power if I think she's earned it first:)

Gent207 · Answer

Where in the world are you getting these ideas?
Book of Mormon or Feminist News?
Only weak pathetic cowardly men seek to control and dominate women for their own personal gratification.
Everyone else just wants to live in peace and work towards a mutual goal of a better future

WindAtMyBack · Answer

It shouldn't be nearly this complicated. Two people will get together. If they get along they get along. If everything falls into place it falls into place. Nobody is thinking in terms of dominance - or if they are it's probably time to run away.

Even in a traditional patriarchal relationship it's not nearly that pronounced - again, if it is then it's time to run away. In a traditional patriarchal relationship, it should barely be noticeable.

glennos89 · Answer

I don't behave like that at all. I also don't think like that or trying to be as dominant as I can towards a girl. Ofcourse I can be dominant on certain situations but I don't place myself in a higher position then a female. For me men and woman are equal at all times

Sparkie460 · Answer

When I was dating I treated the woman with respect. There is no dominant/ submissive parties in the relationship. A relationship will not work if both people don't give 100%. If you invited me to your house for dinner I'd help you with whatever you needed to prepare. After dinner I'd help you clean up. The woman is not a slave or a maid. Everything should be discussed and agreed upon by both people. If it's not agreed upon then compromise in the middle. Relationships should never be one sided.

BlueStripedSoul · Answer

What you described sounds like s*** TBH. I want a relationship, not a submissive, subservient pet. Any "man" who seeks to dominate and assert a sense of hierarchy is a weak ass individual in my opinion. Just sayin'.

Anonymous · Answer

As a man, when you are dating. Is it essential for you to set the tone of the relationship? What do you mean by that? Is it imperative that if you invite a woman into your home and when she invites you into hers, you put things in place to assert your dominance or position? Putting which things in what places? I don't feel like the need to "assert dominance". Is it essential for you to make full use of her attempts to please and accommodate you, so that she thinks only of your needs and very little of her own? I don't follow you. What does that mean? Is this what is done until the hierarchy is established? Or is this just a certain type of man behaviour? At this point I got the impression, that none of what you asked makes any sense. Confused as a high school student.

Can I get some male perspective please?

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Can I get some male perspective please?

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