So, I rejected my best friend. Now he refuses to date anyone else. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Even though I don't want to date him, and he accepts that, he won't date anyone else because that would be a "betrayal". His logic seems to be that if he can't date me, he can't date anyone.

He's been at this for 4 years. He furiously argues that no girls like him whenever I point out to him a girl seems to take an interest in him. I worry because he really makes himself miserable doing this. How do I convince him that he's wrong?

Updates

1 y

Just some extra details I mentioned in replying to comments:

I've dated quite a bit and am in a relationship now. He doesn't show any hostility towards my relationship and actually gets on with my boyfriend perfectly well.

In those 4 years, he's helped me when I wasn't happy or was abused by other guys and he's kept a healthy distance when I'm happy with other guys.

It's more like he simply refuses to date out of principle or as a self inflicted punishment for even asking me out.

Updates

1 y

When I explain that another girl likes him, he gets angry, less at me and more at himself. I think it's a severe self-loathing reaction to rejection.

[SueShe]

This is a kind of psychological pressure he is applying to you in the hope that you will change your mind.

Whatever kind of pressure he puts on you, don't give in because you feel compelled to do it and because you feel bad about his own decision.

This is obviously a very childish and immature behavior of his and to me it indicates that this person may have some psychological issues.

You don't try to convince him otherwise. This is a problem he has to address and overcome by himself. All you can do is to tell him that he should perhaps seek the help and assistance of a specialist.

The more you preoccupy yourself with him and the more he will put you under pressure.

[Asker]

Copied from my response to another comment:

Not quite. I've dated quite a bit and am in a relationship now. He doesn't show any hostility towards my relationship and actually gets on with my boyfriend perfectly well.

In those 4 years, he's helped me when I wasn't happy or was abused by other guys and he's kept a healthy distance when I'm happy with other guys.

It's more like he simply refuses to date out of principle or as a self inflicted punishment for even asking me out. When I explain that another girl likes him, he gets angry, less at me and more at himself. I think it's a severe self-loathing reaction to rejection.

[SueShe]

Yes, this gentleman has a self-confidence issue that could have been triggered by the denial. In any case, he really should seek help because the longer he is in self-denial, the more aggressive he will get towards women because he will blame them for what is happening to him.

He will end up being a bitter person that will never find inner peace.

[Asker]

See my last reply to PrettyPriya's comments for extra details.

[PrettyPriya]

Wow, 4 years? That is crazy and he seems obsessed with you to a dangerous level. I wouldn't consider that a friend and be very, very cautious. May I ask if you have dated someone in those 4 years? I am only wondering because it would seem like he would go crazy if you did.

This guy isn't stable in my opinion and also immature. To think that way that if you can't be with someone you won't be with anyone is not a healthy way to act. Again, this is an obsessive behaviour.

He needs to get over it, especially after 4 years. He may understand that you aren't interested but he doesn't "get it". If I had to guess what his strategy is, I would say that he is trying (furiously) to hold out and almost guilt you into saying yes. That is the only thing that makes any sense to me.

[Asker]

Not quite. I've dated quite a bit and am in a relationship now. He doesn't show any hostility towards my relationship and actually gets on with my boyfriend perfectly well.

In those 4 years, he's helped me when I wasn't happy or was abused by other guys and he's kept a healthy distance when I'm happy with other guys.

It's more like he simply refuses to date out of principle or as a self inflicted punishment for even asking me out. When I explain that another girl likes him, he gets angry, less at me and more at himself. I think it's a severe self-loathing reaction to rejection.

[PrettyPriya]

I agree with you but also with what @SueShe said as well. Her opinion is very much in line with what I believe is happening. I don't think it is healthy and there is definitely a chance that it could take a turn for the worse.

[Asker]

I still don't know what to make of it. I don't know why he feels like he deserves to be condemned to misery simply because I said no.

In fact I remember, when I went to a dance a month ago, he came along (very reluctantly) with me and my boyfriend. I think he didn't want to cause trouble, but we made him go. During said dance I encouraged him to go to one of the lonlier girls, as he was on his own most of the time.

At one point, one girl actually smiled right at him signalled him to come over and dance with her. He just hung his head in shame and tried to walk away, but I wouldn't let him. I just nudged him closer to the girl. Eventually he gave in and danced with her. He smiled so he did enjoy it, but he also looked guilty and ashamed of himself afterwards. The girl clearly liked him and was left just as confused as me by my friend's look of shame.

His sister and I have gotten to know the girl since and encourage my friend to talk to her. He can make friends with other girls, he just doesn't feel like he deserves to date them. That is what confuses me so much.

[PrettyPriya]

He clearly has issues that I believe only professional help will solve. Just from all these details you have given, I think that is the only thing that will work. Unfortunately, people often refuse that sort of help and continue with their misery.

There is not much you can do. That is the really tough part. This is a long time to act this way and nothing you will say or do will help him. He needs professional counseling in my opinion.

[BloodMoon25]

Having read the further details in the comments, I find this quite sad. I don't know why he would think so low of himself for something that really isn't cause to be ashamed of, especially with, by your own statements, all the evidence that proves him wrong.

I think he's suffering from a pretty bad mental health problem. Most people don't think this way. I don't think you should just leave him behind as some have suggested here, but he should definitely get professional help.

[Ms_Facesitter]

That's a stupid way to think. You can't betray someone who you are not dating.

[Asker]

He knows that, but he just feels like he would be doing something indefensible if he were to date someone else. See my discussion with PrettyPriya for more on that.

[Ms_Facesitter]

I would stay away from that guy. He needs professional help.

[Asker]

He's been my friend from a very young age. I can't just leave him in the dust. He isn't causing me any harm. Just himself. But, yes. I think I should make him get some therapy. He feels guilty over dancing with another girl a month ago. Something I encouraged him to do in the first place. I think it's some misguided sense of loyalty.

[Ms_Facesitter]

I mean yes you can stay friends, but I wouldn't take it further. It'd be a toxic relationship

[Asker]

I'm not suggesting for a moment that I actually date him. 1, I'm in a relationship and 2, he's more like a brother than anything else. But I do care about him and I hate him to feel miserable because of his own belief in his lack of worthlessness to have a relationship with a girl.

[Ms_Facesitter]

All you can do is suggest he seeks professional help, because this is not normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

A lot of men are quitters. It is not your problem.

[Asker]

That just seems like a cruel thing to do, I think. He's my oldest friend. I think he deserves a girl in his life. Just not me. He's still been there for me in a healthy way despite my rejection. I think I should at least help him get over his problem.