Is the past really the past when it comes to dating & relationships?

[Anonymous]

Fuck no it isn’t

Anyone who thinks otherwise definitely has something undesirable or what they believe is undesirable within their past that they don’t want anyone to figure out because of potential consequences/negative feedback.

Of course all of this isn’t to say that people do not make mistakes, rather, it is to say that secrets should not be tolerated within a relationship.

Those dating or in relationships should be honest with one another no matter how embarrassed, bad, or afraid they may feel about certain pieces of information.

[SaoirseS]

Since you've already made up your mind and seem to think people should believe as you do or they're somehow wrong, I won't waste time debating the issue.

The past is history and unchangeable. We learn from it, we move on. Not that I have an extensive past, but I can't undo anything from it and neither could a guy. It's a matter of choice: dwell on the past, or look forward to and shape the future. There's also a time and place, and it isn't early on in a dating relationship as far as I'm concerned.

As far as "secrets" go, sure I'd want to know anything that's going to potentially affect me adversely (a guy with previous marriage whose wife went off the rails, a rehabilitated drug user, etc) but I have no desire for detail. When it comes to guys probing for "secrets" early on, that's a caution light. Just what is he looking for, and why? If it doesn't affect him, it's none of his business. With very rare exception, men are worse than women when it comes to gossiping, and I wouldn't tell a man anything I wouldn't want put on a billboard in Times Square. That goes for Catholic priests too.

[melanieeeB]

Yes, let's say partner A was an asshole and really hurt you and partner B is actually really nice , then I think, that you have no right to hurt partner B for the mistakes of partner A.
Partner B is a whole another person, they don't deserve to be threatened like shit, just cause you got hurt by the hands of someone else.

You shouldn't date, if you don't heal yourself from the past hurts.

[Asker]

Well, I was thinking more on the specific pasts of partner A and partner B

For example, would they have something in their past history that would make you potentially not want to be with them?

[melanieeeB]

Only when they did a really bad crime and were in prison or something or like being pedophile or something 🙄

[ChrisMaster69]

If it’s not the past and needs to be discussed, at which point to do bring up that you are okay with extreme violence against women?

it’s one of the things any partner you have deserves to know.

Over the year it’s been a common theme that it’s okay to beat up women.

[Asker]

Prove to me that I’ve said any of that?

That’s it’s okay to beat up a woman

Also, I’ve never struck a woman.
Not even a flick to the forehead

[ChrisMaster69]

On your last question did you not say about guys beating a girl up badly and it not being reported?

[Asker]

No..

[jhl_x]

Past behavior suggests what to expect of future behavior. People who say that the past doesn't matter are just lying to themselves.

[Little_Bumblebee]

I do agree that secrets in a relationship aren't something that should be.
But you cannot just start a relationship and vomit everything about yourself to the other person. It takes time to truly get to know a person.

We are affected by our past, it's what shapes us into who we are.
It's always a good idea to figure out how the person feels about their past, and how they handle it, how they're affected by it, and so on.

[Smashingdoozy]

You: I've fucked a lot of women

Her: oh that's ok. I've fucked a lot of men.

You: that's disgusting you're a whore.

Yeah that's why you suck...

[Asker]

Are you referring to me?

[Apple1996]

Eh I believe that the past is in the past and it doesn't need to be brought up unless they want to bring it up. Not cause of hiding reasons but cause it'll probably hurt the other person more to know all the specific details.

[Asker]

I think most people would rather be hurt by knowing the facts/truth than live comfortably knowing there’s lies, secrets, deceit, etc.

[sheikalana]

Yes. In my case me and my husband were always very transparent about our past we know a lot of things that we did good and bad but we never let that affect the way we see each other.

[Ninania]

The past is just the past. I talk about my past a lot, don't hide anything, but his feelings about me shouldn't change because of it.

[Asker]

Why should it remain the same?

If I knew something about a woman initially, then I will feel a certain way about her

But let’s say I learn other stuff after the fact, then I can potentially feel differently about her depending on what I learn

[Ninania]

Then you should work on that. Why does it matter to you? What is triggered in you that you need to address?

[Asker]

I just don’t like knowing something about a woman later on that I wouldn’t have wanted to be with her be if I had known in the beginning of the relationship

[Literalbillionaire17]

It depends how good the relationship was to me. If I rlly still care for that person then I always hold onto that kinda but if the relationship wasn’t great then yes the past is the past

[FilmGuy93]

Really? I don't know man. I feel like the past can absolutely be in the past, but only if you are dealing with an emotionally healthy person.

[_deeznuts]

depends like if all your relationships lasted three weeks and there was thirty of them, like bye. It matters to some point if it was extreme.

[Truthatanycost]

When you are proud of your past, there is no reason to fear it.

[CuriousMufuxka]

I have to disagree. There becomes a point where previous education in relationships actually hinder newer ones. I advise to let the past go.