Do you think the past matters in a relationship?

Question

ChrisMaster69 · Accepted Answer

It greatly depends on what the past is really.

Some people do learn from past actions and past events in our lives.

Age and maturity also factor in it all.

A girl or guy who did something while dating at 15, cannot always be held against that ‘thing’ for ever.

Say they cheated on a girlfriend at 15, that to me is different to them doing the same at 25.

The big thing is the past not interfering with your present and future.

I have used this example before a friend was a dancer in a club (with all that entails), they are now an eye consultant and happily married, both aware of the past.

I personally believe a lot of the time a persons past is used against them for minor things, which then get blown out of proportion.

Yes they are those that are serial offenders with stuff.

When I worked at a counselling centre, we had girls mentioning the same guy for physical and mental abuse (small village).

A work colleague was a serial cheater and had a number of relationships they cheated on.

ahmetakkaya · Accepted Answer

The past absolutely matters in a relationship! It’s what has led us to where we are today, and it can be a great indicator of where a relationship might be headed. Plus, it’s a great source of memories and experiences that we can share with our partner.

However, that doesn’t mean that we should dwell on the past or let it dictate our present and future. We need to be able to forgive and forget, and move on from any negative experiences. That way, we can focus on building a strong, healthy relationship with our partner.

Aerissa_Jade · Accepted Answer

Yes the past matters, when you get together with someone, your taking all of them in. Would someone want to be with a convict if you didn't know about it? I certainly would not want to be with a convicted rapist.

If the other person cannot handle your past (or you theirs) best to move on before wasting too much time on it.

I am not saying they have a say in the past and I know a lot will say none of their business, and that is okay. If someone feels their past is no one else's business, then they are clearly not comfortable sharing their true self with them.

My past is what made me who I am today, I share it to make sure he is okay with it or else time to move on.

Daniela1982 · Accepted Answer

You bet! You want to marry some girl who has done the whole NBA lineup? Or how about someone who had been in prison for Rape or Murder? Or someone that had a record or sexual/physical abuse?

OlderAndWiser · Answer

The past is the best predictor of the future, but it is certainly not a 100% accurate predictor.

Lliam · Answer

Not so much. I assess a person's personality and character myself. I don't need a background check or resume. I've never even asked a girl about her prior sex life.

I could care less how many relationships she had been in or how much sex she had engaged in. To an extent, that would only mean that she kept pursuing relationships in search of the right life partner, and wasn't sexually inhibited. However, I would draw the line if she had been a prostitute or had a super high body count because that would be a mark of poor character.

The only girlfriend (aside from my wife) who I wound up loving with my heart and soul had been sexually abused continually by her step father from around two years old until she reached puberty. She got married and had a son when she was 17, then got divorced a couple years later. She was hypersexual and orgasmic, I think due to her childhood. She had also gone trough alcoholism and a lot of therapy. I know that she had plenty of sexual partners before we met (she was 31 and I was 37), but by that time she had become a remarkable person. I didn't care about her past, aside from being angered about the abuse she had suffered. I just admired and adored her.

shaysh87 · Answer

of course it matters. your past is like your resume.

You've had 6 girlfriends over the past 6 years.
If you had a hard time maintaining a relationship with a woman, what makes you think he's going to not have a hard time maintaining a relationship with you?
If you open up a resume and you see someone with 6 jobs over the past 6 years, you would think something is wrong right?

If you see that all of his 6 ex gfs absolutely hate him, there is a good chance you will end up hating him too when you break up. It is an absolute red flag.

Same thing as applying for a job. If you call up all 6 of his prior employers and all of them hated him to the fullest extent, does that make this person look good or bad?

someone's track record is everything and usually it predicts the future.

HighValue · Answer

The past matters. It shows their morals and the likely potential outcome of your experience with them.
If they were promiscuous, that is part of their morals. It doesn't change. Some people try to pretend they have changed, but then they later go back to their old ways.
If they have a past of drug use or heavy drinking they have already damaged their eggs. I don't want kids with learning disabilities.
If she has kids from someone else I don't want her either.

The main reason why I stay single for extended periods of time is because I find out about someone's past/morals and it makes them unacceptable, so yes, someone's past really does matter.

SkyCastle90 · Answer

It's fun to hear stories of the past, but it's not important.
The past only matters if there's baggage involved; such as, but not limited to:

1. Haven't gotten over an ex.
2. Refuse to take any accountability for failed relationship and blames exes 100%.
3. Signs of PTSD/mental illness from past relationship, yet refusing to acknowledge/or seek help.

Basically, if you're constantly bringing up your fail relationships and comparing them to your current one, then yeah you're making the past matter when it shouldn't.

Little_Bumblebee · Answer

Yeah, it does, because believe it or not, the past is one of the things that shape us into who we are. And by talking about each other's past you get to know who your partner is and was as a person, and you get to see how they view and respond to the past in which you can figure out if there are any triggers or something else. You can find out whether or not they have moved on from an experienced and what they have taken from it, whether or not they have reflected on it and what conclusion they came up to.

So yeah, the past matters.

ohshee · Answer

Yes and no. If I love e someone I love them right now today
because of many reasons the past is the past.. we all have one I'm not going to judge her for something that I might have done if there is something bad sure I want to know about it that's not going to change the way that I feel about anyting and some things I just don't want to know because I don't care I can't change it nothing's going to change it that was her business at that time not mine that's just the way it is there might be two things that I would care about her have you ever had an STD and are you a felon that's the only two things I would really care about

virtue2332 · Answer

The past does not guarantee what is going to happen in the future. However to say it doesn't matter isn't exactly true because it in some way has shaped how we are. I think it's best not to get caught up about things that happened in the past that elicit Jealousy or anything along those lines however if you find out that there are patterns of abuse and his Last 4 relationships ended because the person the were dating disappeared under suspicious circumstances never to be seen again I would think it would be hard to ignore.

Miristheiss · Answer

Yes.
and No.

First, it depends on a person's attitudes towards sex and intimacy. If the 2 parties in the relationship have deal breakers and differing attitudes towards sex then the past will matter and make them incompatible. Someone who values intimacy and monogamy and being in love being with a stripper who has had 40 threesomes... the past matters and would make them incompatible.

If 2 people have the same values and/or 2 people do not care about the past at all than the past probably won't matter for them.

Second... if a persons past damages them in some way, leaving some sort of scarring and baggage to where they can't have a healthy relationship going forward than of course the past matters for their partner.

A lot of it just depends on the people involved therefor there is no hard rule that the past always matters or always matters not.

DizzyDesii · Answer

I care about  how many people they slept with (and if it was casual vs longterm relationship sex), if they’ve done drugs, if they’re a former alcoholic or addict, if they’ve ever been married, if they’ve ever gone to jail, and if they’ve ever worked as a male stripper/gigolo/prostitute/pornstar

MTC29 · Answer

It shouldn't. With that said, I'm tired of hearing about my SO's divorce from her ex-husband. They've been divorced for ten years, but she acts as though it was ten days ago.

Baggage... baggage... baggage.

Don't get involved with another person's baggage.

Sarahr123 · Answer

I personally prefer private and emotional people so yes past does matter because if they slept around and didn’t value themselves then I don’t want them. I want ideally a virgin man or someone with body count under two. I am looking to marry someone 5-6 years older than me and I am a virgin so I prefer virgins.

Anonymous · Answer

Absolutely it does! Only a fool thinks otherwise! The only possible exception is the passage of time. I know a guy who treated 2 girls like shit when in his 20s. Then when in his 40s had settled down some and entered into a relationship and seems to this day to have lasted. Let's also not get the minds locked into just things like infidelity! People also have problems with substance abuse. This is why I tell people to be careful with an alcoholic. Then let's not forget the DSM-5 and all the mental illnesses in that!

TheorionMage · Answer

Both myself and present spouse are divorcees.
NEITHER of us are whom we once were when younger...

First pragmatic discussion was to 'fess up' and declare for EACH of us,
blanket 'amnesty' for our younger selves... such that NO ONE can come up
to EITHER of us on the sly with a "Did you know?" or "Were you aware that he/she?" ; )

sadstrawberry · Answer

Yes because my ex had cheating tendencies and I was devastated to always have been cheated up twice.

you think from a fathers point of view, whom would you prefer your daughter to marry?
https://www. girlsaskguys. com/sexual-behavior/q4770546-if-you-think-from-a-fathers-point-of-view-whom-would-you-prefer-your? utm_source=dynamic&utm_medium=iosapp&utm_campaign=question&utm_content=q4770546

TransAm85 · Answer

Of course! Every part of your past inflicts on the type of partner, how you act, and what you choose to do in a relationship. I grew up w/o a father. Majority of my partners were abusive, drug dealers and I married a narcissistic functional alcoholic.

MrOracle · Answer

Of course it matters, but context and perspective also matters. Some things in a person's past will be a deal-breaker no matter what, but others need to be taken in context and judged reasonably. People can make mistakes or make stupid or naive decisions, and you often need to let that go.

Repeated patterns or intentional malice are another thing entirely.

Preston_Tatum · Answer

I think to either a small or big degree, depending on the person, the past has an influence. But if it’s bad And the person has changed their ways then it is not something that should be brought into a new relationship. You are what you choose to be not what you’ve done

CaptainOverthink · Answer

Unresolved baggage? Sure.
Legal? Yeah.
Economic? Yup.
Dating-habits? Probably.

Can people change? Yes.
Just be sure that you don't take his word for it without seeing his willingness pay off and that you can see him changing.
Words mean nothing.

TazzyRazzy13 · Answer

To some extent. If I'm talking to a guy and he's telling me he's ex is toxic and a horrible person (most recent guy I was talking to) and still continues to talk to her, he's probably the toxic one. Sometimes, it can also help you understand a person's behavior during conflict and how they do or don't address issues. List goes on.

jdrt787 · Answer

Of course it does and stating otherwise is a lie. But what matters is how much judgement is passed on the past. Some cpls are able to be relatively ambivalent about the past to where the issue never gets brought up.

But how much it matters is always based on the individual. Some will raise an issue that you kissed someone before marriage. While others won't care if you've slept with every of-age male in a 500 mile radius.

A good way to approach this Q is to pose it to yourself what would matter to you. And if there's something specific you're concerned about, ask yourself if it would matter to you if the roles were reversed.

integrale77 · Answer

Depends on what has happened in the past and if it's something that can come back to haunt the person in the future.
Example I have been a sperm donor in the past I've told my girlfriend this just so she is prepared for that day a kid turns up on our doorstep and days hi dad.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes most definitely.

For example

1. A woman having a child with a man from past relationship will ultimately affect what men are willing to commit to her in future.

2. A woman being slutty/promiscuous in past will affect how people view in the future.

3. Being a cunt to people in the past can affect you in the future. Many guys have spoken of women who mistreated them and then 5-10 years later and less attractive want these men to commit time, resources, and love towards them.

jshm2 · Answer

Depends on context.

"Three of her previous partners in the past have died..."

"She's tried to quit smoking and to keep fit in the past. "

Both are "pasts," but only one really matters, if you have the brains to figure it out.

DeeToPlay · Answer

In my opinion the past should not matter but always does. If you try to argue that fact you will always be behind and always be surprised by things coming up when you should expect them to come up that is why I believe you must address everything as completely as you possibly can so there are no surprises.

Jersey2 · Answer

Most have relationships and sex with others before a marriage in the US. I am okay with that except if she had a lot of sexual partners, greater than 8, I would say. That’s not someone that I want to marry. If she hides it, it will come out eventually as someone will let in to her past 🤮 and that omission is basically a lie.

skytatoe · Answer

Yes it does.

People don't stay the same forever, but if someone had a really turbulent past in their relationships, it does matter. And I'd want to see some character development, self awareness and insight from the person if there's going to be anything between me and her. I'm not signing up for free drama. The past isn't ever 'just the past' it shapes who you are today.

Leoxen · Answer

It's good to know about it, but i don't believe the past is the best indicator of the future. People change, mistakes that were made in the past don't necessarily carry onto the present and in the end, we've all done things that we probably regret and in that case, it doesn't make anyone a bad person.

Prg11 · Answer

We all bring our experieneces.
That being said, even traumas only matter due to people who traumatised still veing unpunished/walking about free, probably bent on doing do again.
If those who traumatised you get killed/are dead, the whole thing instantly gets forgotten/does not apply.

coolbreeze · Answer

It depends. If a person has a criminal record, bad credit, debt, etc then yes stuff like this is important when dating and when things get serious because that is a lot of baggage for anybody to deal with.

dovendyret · Answer

Yes & no.

My partners past relationships has nothing to do with ours but if he had done something, I REALLY dislike - like being a criminal, have assaulted someone (even that depends on reason - I've assaulted a pedophile, no regrets) etc.

Adam1978 · Answer

Yes your past dictate your most likely future. People doesn't change fast and they regress to bad habits easily. So by looking at someones last 5 years you will see what upcoming 5 years will bring more or less in behavior.

Petermorgan3434 · Answer

Yes and No!!! Would you want your past held against you? Some pasts defiantly pose a red flag, others may have been morally suspicious , but unless they have a LONG history of questionable actions I think you should trust them

Anonymous · Answer

Hi, my name is AUGHHH Winstead.
I am AUGHHH years old.
Did I mention to you that I'm AUGHHH.
A few years ago a group of AUGHHH pushed me down a AUGHHH to try and embarrass me.
When I did not come back up, the AUGHHH came.
The AUGHHH said that I had fell and AUGHHH believed them.
The AUGHHH found my AUGHHH in the AUGHHH.
I had a broken AUGHHH and my AUGHHH was torn off.

finding_yourself · Answer

the past stays in the past. relationships are great to get over someone, traumatic event, fix something from the past, there is someone new can give support. making new memoirs and forget all about the past. living in the past will only find pain.

Anonymous · Answer

For me of course it matters. Because i am not someone who is promiscuous i do not want someone who is promiscuous too. But it is so difficult to find men who is not promiscuous, because many of them want to be with all the girls.

zoe2187 · Answer

No I don’t think is should be discussed. People change. Asking your partners past is too easy to pass judgment. It’s misleading to a new partner.

SamIam96 · Answer

Everything matters. Everyone makes mistakes. It's terrible to be defined by the worst thing you've done in the past instead of who you are in the present.

menina · Answer

It matters to an extent. There are certain things about your partner's past that you might not like and vice versa. Also, some past events might ruin the present if they happen again.

Billyscotter · Answer

When someone's really into someone, the past might not matter much, but the past definitely does affect someone's future: emotional baggage is from events that happened in the past, and have a big affect on future relationships.

Aurora1010 · Answer

Only if they're not over someone or have trust issues or something inconvenient with you because of it.

AimeeKyle · Answer

It’s good to know someone’s past but it doesn’t define their future (unless they allow it to). Most all of us have done things we regret and would likely change some actions/activities if put in a similar situation again.

Tyrael · Answer

You are the sum of all your past decisions, so yes I'd say it's important.

sissyalexa · Answer

Nope! Not unless there was some trauma in a past relationship, otherwise who cares, everyone has a past 😊

connemara_crocodile · Answer

I learned the hard way that when it comes to previous relationships, the less you say and hear the better

Anonymous · Answer

to an extent yes.  for example if he killed one or all of his exes, I say it DEFINITELY matters.  that sort of stuff.  you know abbusive scary behaviors that can determine your faith with said person.

Drumlin2001 · Answer

Not really. There are some things from the past that mould how we behave, it's worth those being in the open. Otherwise the past is the past, and should stay there

ArrowheadSW · Answer

I can matter, depending on the circumstances. How much the person was influenced by it and if they are over it or not, etc.

NathanDavis · Answer

of course it matters... I am also my past and I am here as of today because of my past, so it is quite relevant

crmoore · Answer

I don't think there's a "right" answer. It varies from person to person. Someone's past matters to me to an extent in a relationship. To others it could matter a lot, to others it may not matter at all.

Klinklins · Answer

Does not matter if she's 100% loyal now. My girlfriend once added an ig story to show her ex. That was after 1 yr of our relationship and that really got me mad. I almost thought about ending the relationship.

Crafteroon · Answer

Our past defines how we see our present and future. Everyone reacts differently to certain situations based on our personality and personal history.

CrazyGirl2 · Answer

Sure it does! If he cheated on her, in the past hell cheat on you too in the future!

dustybiker · Answer

Depends on how much of the effects have lasted and spilled into your relationship.

MrCommodore · Answer

Yes it does to a certain extent, as past actions can be an early indication of future actions.

MilaRay · Answer

Yes. People love to say that the past means nothing but it’s an account of our lives. Can people change, grow, learn, etc? Yes. But to some degree the past matters

admles · Answer

Very little to me, to be honest.

I don’t care how many men she slept with, I’d she had a criminal history for minor things etc

We all have things we are shamed of in our past, I care about who she is now.

Dargil · Answer

Yes it does. Women with long guest lists erase their capacity and desire to bond and nurture children. Men can figure that out without asking.

Slut4Joy · Answer

no the past doesn’t define who you are, i personally try to pay more attention on how they act now and what their future goals/plans are.

elizamichale1 · Answer

I believe if ine has had a bad past but they r a changed person now then their past should be ignored

Do you think the past matters in a relationship?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Do you think the past matters in a relationship?

Most Helpful Opinions

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.