Just found out that the guy I’ve been hanging out with has a girlfriend, and now I feel horrible, should I stop hanging out with him out of respect?

[Anonymous]

I feel embarrassed, stupid, and ashamed. Second week of school, a guy from one of my classes approached me after lecture was over and initiated a convo with me. He seemed really cool and respectful and we chatted, and grabbed some lunch before his next class. This resumed for the next couple weeks. It was routine of us to wait for each other after class and just chat about our interests/life before we headed to our next class for the day. Keep in mind nothing flirtatious happened between us. I didn’t flirt and neither of us initiated any sort of physical contact. Our conversations were purely platonic, nothing of romantic or sexual nature. Anyways the more we talked, the more I learned about him, and the more J started to feel a connection. He would remember minor details about me or stuff I said and it made me feel special. He also made me laugh. Still, I never made a first move or anything, and let’s say it’s a good thing I didn’t. On our last eat hangout, he revealed to me that he has a girlfriend he was going to visit in his weekend away from campus. To say that I felt crushed is an understatement. I felt embarrassed, hurt, and confused. And trust me, I’m not claiming that he lead me on; technically he never really flirted so I should’ve never assumed he wanted to pursue something with me romantically. But now O feel stuck, I feel wrong hanging out with him now. I still really want to, but my feelings for him are undeniable but I don’t want to ruin the bond that we have? He’s one of the few people from my school I can really vibe with, and I don’t want to ruin a good friendship by revealing my feelings to a man in a committed relationship, I’m no homewrecker but damn, this shit actually sucks.

[DaveJord]

Do not hide your feelings or deny them. Tell him and see what he has to say... I mean you two sound like you are pretty young or I will assume in college. So young people do things and say things sometimes just to provoke a response. Older people would think its playing games, but at 20 I did that shit until I learned better, so do not judge to harshly. I mean few years ago you were both in Highschool and are just figuring out how adults date... so he tripped up but don't count him out.

You need to eat lunch with him again and bring it up to him; "last week you mentioned a girlfriend?" See what he says and listen to him, look for the non-verbal ques.

Then eventually your building up to say this; "all this time I just thought you were building up the courage to ask me out, now you're telling me you have girlfriend. I bummed to here that."

Again stop there listen to him, look for the none-verbal. I mean who knows it could of been some girl from highschool, something not serious and like you said you two are not official in any way... and he was honest with you, its not like he lied about it, which means on some level he wanted you know and see how you would respond. So be a grown up and don't shut down but open up and air it out... do not retreat back into yourself and carry it around with you for months, weeks, or years. You start doing this now at your age and it just becomes habit and then you 30 and you can't figure out why you never met the right guy. Because guys are dumb, and say stupid things without understanding and by the time they figure it out the women gives up on it.

He told you, and therefore now you know. Maybe he thought you were not interested like you said you kept it platonic... but now your talking to him and your putting him on the spot, and you're listening and watching... so now you get a gauge on him.

If you want to date him then you need to tell him. Just say, "I don't want to keep meeting like this if its a just freinds thing, but at the same time don't get the wrong idea about me either. I just thought we were taking it slow, just getting to know each other and building toward something, and up until the girlfriend comment you where doing a pretty good job."

Do not over react read my response and then read it, get your emotions in check and think about what I just told you. He might reject you, so what? He might not. He might open his eyes realize he is a dumbass to, and turn a new page... he might be a jerk. You will never know until you know but follow your heart and trust your instincts. If the time comes pull the plug on this relationship, but don't do it before it has a chance to get started.

[Asker]

Thanks for the sincere advise. I’d be lying though if I said I had an ounce of courage to be that transparent about my feelings. I think I’ll just ask him indirectly; if the reason he felt pressured to bring up his girlfriend was because he sensed my attraction to him and see what his response is

[DaveJord]

What ever it takes, you do you. But no body finds it easy putting themselves out there. But trust me its easier on you in the long run. If you let slip by 20 years from now you'll be over it. On with your life and fine, but you'll look back and ask yourself "I wonder if I would of did this if it would of mattered?"

Probably not, but if you had you have closure and 2 months from now you'll not even think about it.

But yes be direct I would never say that's a bad idea.

[lightbulb27]

this is a psych thriller of early dating...

yea what an emotional mess. expectations, all those dreams in your heart and mind just crushed. you are normal...

Your writing says a lot about your personality. Realize you are considerate, thus empathetic, thoughtful, maybe more reserved. A decent person in my book. Other girls are not so, will gladly snatch the guy. It's all the more prize to them and they will be happy to see you go down in smoke, they won't care. Thus every effort of yours should be to keep your esteem and value high. Guys can explore multiple potentials, and even feel better doing so as it builds sense of value and they can make bad choices because the other girl is more aggressive. Aggressive wins... this is relationship deal making and you gotta have the skills to get what you want! This is why some women can get the guys and others are home alone watching netflix with their cat. The real "rubber hits the road" when they try to be a couple and differences/issues are exposed... attraction can be messed up and feel a draw, but it's bad for both.

Anyways, this is where girls (you) lose the guy... the aggressive, the skilled... wins. Or someone who is just a little ahead. Just because they are ahead doesn't mean they are the right match for him. Realize, lots of guys don't know what they want, what's good for them. They don't know girls, the games they play.

I write that to fan the flames a bit because you already felt you lost... about your personality. It could be he was letting you know he picked someone else... I don't know.

Taking that into view... you have to decide how you communicate, which is based upon how you are reading him. If he's clear he isn't interested in you, so be it. It might be best to express you felt good connection with him, ask what he was thinking (or feeling) along the way... without pressure. most guys don't know what they are feeling. You have to be respectful and true to yourself while keeping your head up. maybe this "potential" has to be put on the side for now,

If he was trying to "ditch you"... that be odd, because he was spending time with you.

[Smoke-n-Growls]

You can be platonic friends with men.

Do you think you can let go of your infatuation and see him as just a classmate and new (platonic) friend?

If you're confident you can keep yourself from catching feelings, I think you can trust he's not trying to cheat.

There's nothing wrong with men and women being friends. My best friend is a guy in a relationship. He and I are by no means intimate, we just have a good friendship.

[GreatBigCircles]

It depends on what kind of relationship you’re comfortable having that respects what he wants. Do you think you’d be happy just being a platonic friend with him, knowing that it wouldn’t progress? If so, just keep being friends. But it’s okay if the answer is no: being able to acknowledge that you wouldn’t be happy with that kind of relationship is a mature thing to do. Chasing someone you can’t have, or feigning friendship in the hopes something changes isn’t healthy, it’ll just eat away at the relationship until it breaks.

[AviatorTom]

If you have feelings for him that go beyond friendship, then yes, you should break it off. It seems he was just being friendly, which is okay, guys can have girl friends (two words) that aren't girlfriends (one word); if he wanted more with you, he wouldn't have told you about his girlfriend (one word). Let him down easy though. Tell him you've enjoyed your friendship but that you think it would be better to end it.

[slatyb]

Do whatever you want. It's possible he's wants to leave but he's afraid to end up alone.

You might say "Aren't you dating Gillian?" Talk to me when you are single.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Having a crush and finding out they are taken indeed sucks, If you are uncomfortable, try to think of reasons it won't work out even if he were single.

[Userisrohit]

If you are really feeling stupid then and still happy and also that girl is happy you should continue other wise what is the point

[Wise4myage]

Stop seeing him and make sure he knows you found out. And be grateful you found out, so you won't waste anymore time on his lame ass.

[macjets007]

If he is willing to cheat on her, he will be willing to cheat on you when something goes wrong or you have a fight.

[Makeushiver]

What is your definition of "hanging out"

[Jenny-Marie]

Ouch! A shame he wasn't more upfront at the start.

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

Think about it if it was your shoes

[Methis]

Yes
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