Do you think it’s a bad idea to continue to spend time with this person in a ‘beyond friendship capacity’?

[VIVANT]

I’m not really sure how to put this, but sone of you know I had ashes secersl questions about how you might react if someone you were seeing told you they plan to marry, you told them you do not, and they wanted to continue dating regardless. I found this odd and suspicious bc if you already know what you want and you know it’s not what the other person wants, well you either think they are not being serious or you are not being serious. That’s how I see it tho I know there’s varied opinions.

this situation confused me not just bc he said he def wants marriage but the whole way he spoke about his future plans he is not flaky and he seems kind of traditional so I don’t understand how he’s ok with a situation that doesn’t line up with his plans or values.

he wants to finish his phd and hopefully get married before his grandparents die (he’s not going to just marry anyone but he’s hoping the timing works out bc it will mean so much to them and they mean so much to him. I mean no doubt it’s super sweet it’s just…) he wants to go beck to Ukraine to get narrated have the celebration there & locate work in Europe bc he expects there will be few job opportunities in Ukraine itself and wants to be as close as possible to his family. We both have family from Ukraine but his is immediate family, mine is several generations down, so while I am Ukrainian so I’m not Ukrainian in the same way that he is.

now he’s telling me all this on basically the first time we were in a sort of date (went to the park before I went to work) we have been friendly for two years but I only asked him out a few weeks ago and bc of scheduling conflict it took us a while to get it together.

I did tell him I do not plan to marry for various reasons, he was quite in disbelief at that, also that I’m not sure what my ten year plan is. At the same time, he was very eager to see me again and as of now we will be going in a date next week. But I’m not sure it’s a good idea.

Better off staying just friends

See him once in a while but not too often

Try dating you may decide it’s worth it

Other

Updates

1 y

When I asked him out I was curious and I hadn’t really thought about why I was asking him out or what my interest in him would he if he even said yes. I just kind of did it bc I thought it was good I was curious about another human being bc I get caught up in work or volunteering or thought & tend to forget to pay attention in real life. So I was encouraging myself to make contact. Now I appreciate him sharing his goals with me and I may not have specific relationship goals or expectations but…

Updates

1 y

… that does not mean I will not end up caring for him at some point and it’s one thing to go in with no plan but to go in knowing you will not have the sane plan, I think it unwise to continue dating.

He already almost kissed me and it was way too soon bc I don’t even know. Of course I did a cartwheel 🤸🏻‍♀️ from him as the better option to turning my face away or pushing him away. He took it in stride & flipped a coin to see if we will see each other next week. Takes I lose Heads he won🤷🏻‍

[TonyMetal___86]

You're a smart girl skyscrapper girl and personally your suspicions are in place...

Let me give you an example about myself if i was in this scenario and that you make the assumptions and work on it!

When i want a serious relationship, it means that i have goals for my future, the girl that i'll date MUST have the same goals in order to have a healthy long term relationship, if my date tells me that her goals are different than my basic goals than i see no use in dating hee anymore, cause it will be a waste of my time and her time and will lead us to a dead end, so why even making an effort with someone who is different?

Here comes the answers:

If he plans to continue in dating you while he's aware that you're both on a crossroads than there's something wrong, it can be any of these reasons...

1st he's a liar, thought that he can attract you by hitting the weak point in you which ia love and marriage because the majoeity of girls will fall for a man who wants real love and marriage, when he saw that you're path is different he started changing his way without making you suspicious and wondering why would he still wants to date if he's serious while his goals are different, might be cause his goals are fake from the beginning...

2nd, since he found out that you're both different than he might stay just for fun and to see if he can reach you sexually later until he finds someone who suits him, than he will dump you...

3rd, maybe he convinced himself that with time he will be able to change you and make your goals the same as his cause he's interested in you in a way or another...

These 3 reasons are the only reasons which can make him keeps dating you and they are all toxic...

It's up to you to take the decision before things gets escalated!

Personally i'll never date a girl who is different from me without any hope for a future together if i wanted a serious relationship!

Maybe friends yes but dating ofc NO! Unless i was a liar or a manipulator or have some dark hidden intentions!

[VIVANT]

Thank you Tony 🙏🏼

I had exactly similar concerns and bc I did like him very much as a person I will try talking to him to see if he is actually a friend or just manipulative.

[TonyMetal___86]

Good, i wish you the best skyscrapper girl, always stay alert when it comes to such things...

[VIVANT]

Definitely Tony 😊😊

[Lliam]

You reasoning is sound, Vivant. You explained it clearly and it makes sense.

I voted 'A'. You can be definitely be friends, even good friends. But dating, courting, and exclusivity doesn't makes sense. Like you said, he is traditional and has definite goals. You do not share those goals, which is perfectly fine. There is nothing wrong with either of your hopes, dreams and goals. But they don't match.

It does make me wonder why he would think of pursuing a romantic relationship with you. I can understand his desire to be with someone as beautiful, smart, honest, ethical, kind and compassionate as you. You are a rare person. But you have clearly said that you have no interest in marriage.

Does he think you will change your mind? Does he hope that you will be swept up in infatuated rom-com romance? Does he just want sex? I wonder if he is taking your views seriously.

You seem to have a really good handle on where he is coming from. Does he accept where you are coming from?

Your own path - hopes, dreams and goals - is valid. It's not even unusual.
He needs to live in the here and now, and not in fantasy. He should pursue someone who shares his dreams and goals.

[VIVANT]

Yeah it’s odd to be sure. Normally I’d be cynical & assume he just figured if I
ashes him out I must be promiscuous bc I don't know sone guys think that way. But yes really not the type & it’s not as if he does not know me at all I doubt he could have that view. Additionally I don’t think k it’s likely he’s he interested in casual sex even if I was looking for that. I’m. But his interest is so odd esp given how calm he’s been all this time. Truth be told, I didn’t even think he was going to say yes.

I also go not think he is so dismissive he would assume I’m going to fish he my mind in addition my impression is he is probably having someone mire traditional in mind & possibly more authentically European. I haven’t lived in Europe since I was 6. In quite “Americanized” I suppose.

I don't know I think the only thing that makes sense is he’s probably not thinking clearly. We have fairly strong chemistry & we had for the past time developed a very comfortable ease with each other, so perhaps he just is temporarily operating more on the feels then calculation 🤔 🤷🏻‍♀️ & possibly overlooked how out of line in relation to himself he is probably acting. It’s similar for me it’s odd I’d agree to see him again when my whole body was screaming abort mission

. I imagine in a few weeks once stuff settles he’s probably realize this is dumb. And I think it’s probably best not to wait for that lol 😏

[Lliam]

I love your reasoning. Thanks for sharing your thought process. I think you nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Guys, especially young guys do not view marriage the same way women do. Generally if the woman is decent at all she's pretty loyal. So guys look relationships and marriage as almost any woman is a potential partner. I would say men and women tend to work in opposite directions. Women generally are minimally interested and need to build connection over time. While men being the pusuers usually have to come on STRONG to gain a woman's interest. And if she's relationships or wife material the guy loses interest. And a lot of guys, (unfortunately for women's feelings) will remain in that relationship till something better comes a long.

So my guess is he either is completely lying about wanting marriage hoping it'll entice you. Or he really does want marriage and he's not believing you when you say you don't want marriage. Don't take it personal. Most women will lie about this, and guys know it. It's all part of a woman's "I'm interested-but-not-really-because-i-don't-want-to-give-any-indication-that-i-really-am-interested" act.

[VIVANT]

Well it would be personal bc he’s known me for two years. I don’t lie.

I thought as you’re saying he’s lying or he thinks I am tho there’s another possibility where he just isn’t thinking clearly. That’s possible it’s pretty easy to get caught up in a moment esp if you feel comfortable and drawn to someone. I’m hoping it’s that bc I have a fairly high opinion of him snd it’d suck if he’s cheap. For someone to think someone is lying bc they think everyone else does isn’t at all a saving grace it just means they have terrible prejudice. I’m addition he’s known me long enough to know how much I value honesty & how direct I am., it’s almost worse for him to assume I’m lying then for him to be lying tho both suck & would diminish my interest. Of course i different be interested even if he’s being honest so ultimately it comes firm to the same except I can be friends right him if he’s being honest.

And yes I understand i asked even tho I shredded knew what I had to do but I wanted to hear opinions bc I’m curious & bc obviously I like him 😂

[Opinion Owner]

Well the last woman I took a liking to I knew for 4 years. And she was lying to me the whole time. Not that this is a competition. And I'm not trying to play the age card. But there was a time when I took people at face value, but not anymore. I assume EVERYBODY is lying at least 50% of the time. It's the only way I can keep by being disappointed by people, low expectations. I hope you maintain that clear eyed optimism fir all your days.

[VIVANT]

I am very sorry. That is quite terrible and it’s pretty gross we have to deal with these kinds of people.

I grew up with a psychotic guardian & after rubbing away it still took tears for me to even have casual friendships. I’m trying to disentangle myself from automatic cynicism towards people and I don’t think it will hurt in this have since I have no intention of rushing into anything. And if I did think he didn’t mean to get so caught up that wouldn’t Jean I was goi g to date him, so giving him the benefit of the doubt doesn’t mean I’ll do anything risky it just means we can still be friends 😊

[Smoothing]

If you want me to he brutally Frank with you, he is not the one with the problem and I don't think he is as conflicted like you think he should be.

If this goes on, you are going to get married to him and you will give him many babies. Then you will look back and think, what was my problem?

You are not the first woman to go through something like this and won't be the last. You are the only one in conflict with yourself not him.

You can call things off, or continue in ehich case, a few years from now, you will be having a blast with babies and living in Europe with a ring on your finger.

If you don't call things off, come back in ten years and tell it to my face that I was wrong. I dare you.

[VIVANT]

😂😂🤣 🙏🏼 I’m not laughing at you it just made me laugh. I think I’m going to talk to him bc if I call it offf I call it off then it’s done... So nothing to lose by talking first 😊

[NathanDavis]

you could try to keep going out as friends, hang out as friends...

and it would be helpful if you make it clear that if THAT is the case, if you're interested in being friends with him because you like him as a friend, just make it clear from the get go

[VIVANT]

Well we were friends I think we were I’ve been talking to him for about two years. When I ashes him out a few weeks ago I didn’t know any of this stuff he said last week & and I was caught off guard and I don’t think I reacted the way I would’ve if I had time to think things over.

[NathanDavis]

well, that was unusual indeed...

either if you go out to hang out as friends... or it is a date, to see how it could potentially go

I think it is unusual for anyone to just throw all the cards on the table like that "I want to marry and all that..."

but him, revealing all this... kind of puts you on the spot, so it is best to make things clear for him as soon as possible, or for yourself as well

[VIVANT]

Yeah I wonder if he even realized he was gonna say anything sometimes people just say things lol I doubt he intended to it’s a lot for one afternoon.

[Part2603]

If you really believed that you'd be sucking his dick by now, lol.

Clearly you're enjoying this and you like his company. Just keep doing what you're doing. :)

[VIVANT]

If I really believed what? And why would I be sucking anything?

Honestly I don't know what you mean.

[VIVANT]

I do like his compensation very much or I wouldn’t have asked him out but I enjoyed his comment before too snd it’s probably best to go beck to that. I do agree it’s weird I’m even asking about it solve I pretty much know what I should do. Maybe I don’t fully want to lol but I think i should.

[Part2603]

If you were the "bad girl" that you think you are you would be perfectly content to hop in the sack with him; You wouldn't be so apprehensive and pondering the big question of "true love" or whatever.

[VIVANT]

I still don’t know what you mean. Where did I say this was about sex?

[RealMarek]

If there is little chance that you will change your mind about marriage, then I telling him on the next date that it will be best, due to this incompatibility, if the two of you do not date.

[Sevenpointfive]

it's not fair to either of you to continue as anything more than friends

[Twalli]

You don't have a a 10 year plan, so you may decide you do indeed want marriage

[pizzalovershouse]

If it's not emotionally good then get out

[VIVANT]

Well I have barely begin so I don't know but intellectually it seeks like a bad idea. 😐

[pizzalovershouse]

Then go with it's a bad idea

[pizzalovershouse]

Genz 6 nice new photo have a good day

[Jamie05rhs]

Give him a chance, @VIVANT! Please? 🙏❤️

[VIVANT]

Jamie you’re sweet. I was just saying above that I think I’ll talk to him bc if I dnd it it’s done finished. Can’t be anything to lose compared to everything - by talking first 🤷🏻‍♀️ And I do need to stop initiating stuff thrn running away. It’s not a good habit in life and I’m guessing this isn’t the only situation I do this in.

If I was someone else I could just hang out and see but I’m not, I’m he and I’m going to feel really weird about everything until I have a better idea of what I’d going on. So might as well talk 😊

[VIVANT]

I fell asleep in my tree before work and he woke me up bc he was worried I’d fall. I would not have fallen but I could’ve been late 🙏🏼 Then he apologized bc he knows I like to be alone before work 😂

[VIVANT]

So anyhow he seems decent enough he deserves more than ok nvm good bye

[Jamie05rhs]

@VIVANT Awwwww 😍😍😍. He saved your life!!

[VIVANT]

Lol no I was ok I know what I’m doing but it was kind.

Be kind folks - someone is always gonna notice ✨

[Jamie05rhs]

🥰👍

[VIVANT]

😊😊😊

[Jennz6]

Don’t get too close, keep it casual

[VIVANT]

What’s the point in doing it at all tho?

[Alex8736]

You have to set boundaries and if he doesn't especially this early then run

[VIVANT]

@Alex8736

No I mean what is the point of dating him if I’m just there making sure I don’t care. I think that will be shallow and very boring. I’m not really looking for a “ relationship ” but I’d definitely want suave to explore things. If I already know it’s doomed probably there’s not much I’ll get out of it. I’m not looking for sex or a plus 1 the only reason I’d date someone is to explore what’s that like and go get to know them so I think if I’m just there making sure I stay distant, it’s not for me.

I already stay quite detached from people I’m trying to Hearn to be more open. Thank you for the space to sort that out lol

[VIVANT]

@jennz6 thank you I needed to clear it up for myself your suggestion helped me 😊

[Jennz6]

@VIVANT you said that you didn’t want to get married?

[MiseriaCantareAFI]

What is "beyond friendship"

Sounds like we're going to space or something, lol

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

Better off staying just friends

[Anonymous]

not sure really... good luck