He never initiates communication/scheduling dates. Is he just not into me? Should I see this as a red flag?

[Anonymous]

I (27F) just had the 7th date with this guy (35M). It's been 3.5 months since the first date. We're both looking for a long-term relationship (at least he told me so on the first date). On the first date he told me he's a bit workaholic and can't message much during weekdays. Sure enough he almost never initiates communication, he responds to me whenever I reach out but sometimes it takes 3-5 days to respond. He initiated the first two dates but since the third date I've always been the one that initiates scheduling the next date, but once we set the date, he always initiates making plans on what we do/where to go and he pays for almost everything. To be honest I don't really mind initiating dates and I find people who's invested in work attractive so I don't see his way of communication as much of an issue. But there's just so much dating advice I see on the internet such as "no one is too busy to check up on you daily" or "he is just not into you, you're wasting time so move on" kind of stuff and I'm not sure anymore. Is he just not into me? Should I see his behavior as a red flag and move on?

Updates

1 y

Thanks guys. I asked this question because I didn't know if I should let the general dating advice or majority's opinion effect my values. I have a great time with him always, he is sweet in person and I personally don't need much day-to-day texting so I was happy and hopeful for the relationship to progress. But maybe that thinking itself is wrong? In order to have a long-lasting relationship, day-to-day communication is absolutely necessary and otherwise it will likely fail?

[SueShe]

It is true that it does not take much time to say "hi" or "how are you today", even if you are on a busy schedule or workaholic. It takes less than one single minute and in a 10' break, that is feasible without any problem.

My feeling is that he is too comfortable with you doing the first step and all he has to do is to confirm the date. If he finds the time to organize the date, the place and other things that go with it, I find it bizarre that he could not find the time to initiate a conversation or plan a date first.

A person that is supposedly be in love and seeks a long term relation but fails to just say "hi" every day is the kind of person that is probably not really into another person but just comfortable not having to "bother" with that person on a daily basis. Sorry for being so direct.

[Haha456]

you're 27 years old and you still have to ask a basic question like this? this is something more like a 19 yr old would ask.

[coachTanthony]

It's not about whether it's a red flag and should you move on. How does the behavior make you feel? Have you discussed it with him? He sounds like he just wants something casual and someone to be with from time to time to date and what not which is fine but it's obviously not what you are looking for?

If he says otherwise then sorry but that's not how communication works inside a committed relationship. So this could be a "words are not congruent with his actions" type of thing.

What you don't want to do is force him to communicate when deep inside he just doesn't want too. If there is no desire then why bother at that point... just move on.

[Asker]

Thank you, this is very helpful. I do want a little more communication so I guess I should discuss this with him. He's been in a 5-year relationship before so I think I'm gonna ask how their communication was working then.

[coachTanthony]

Was he married during that 5 year relationship? Because that is another thing to think about. Not sure you want to waste 5 years wondering where it's going.

[Anonymous]

This definitely isn’t good if you’re putting all the effort in and getting little to none in return. As well as taking days to respond especially if it’s important is outrageous.

I can understand being busy and I don’t like people either who blow up my phone or text/call at bad times intentionally (like 2 in the fucking morning, when I have to work)

Im sorry. He doesn’t sound interested at all and even if he is. This is one sided and irs been months since your last date.

Seems it’s time to move on

[Avicenna]

It could be his communication style, but it’s concerning that he’d continue to do that

[Anonymous]

"no one is too busy to check up on you daily"

That much can't be doubted.

Should I see his behavior as a red flag and move on?

By the looks of it, you are so involved that there's no way you will move on, no matter what advice may be given to you here or in other places 💁‍♂️.

The likeliest chance isn't that he "isn't into you"; rather, that he knows how to play his cards in a relationship so as not to be in subjection of the woman.
Someone said, who cares the most has the least power; showing we don't care much is a way to not give up a lot of power in a relationship.

[USMC-Crossroads]

He could just have low testosterone or simply be an asshole. I think if it continues any further, I'd say be suspicious. If he is really sweet to you, he (like I did) might just need a reality check. Give it a break (calling him, I mean), and if HE doesn't re-initiate, then I'd say move on... it's a sign of low conviction and/or drive.

He likely doesn't know how lucky he is.

[Kiaros21]

To me yes. Listen if a man wants to see you he will initiate a date. Ofc your confused cause he pays for everything shows up but If he's that busy the relationship most likely won't work because he never has the time which in my opinion is bad.

[Infinity12]

Try doing nothing and see what happens. People reveal themselves by what they DON't do.

[Kaneki05]

I am the same way really. It don't mean I don't like her though.

[Anonymous]

Forget the guy and move on. I agree no one is that busy that they can't communicate for days on end unless they were working for the military or navy and are overseas on assignments.

[Clyde_123]

Agree

[Anonymous]

Seems like he is just busy and happy that you do the initiating, maybe you should have a serious talk with him on this because he might think everything is ok with you two, he seems interested in you though

[Guy13]

Definitely 🚩🚩🚩

[WhitneySnow]

If you’re happy don’t worry about it

[Clyde_123]

He's not into you. Move on.

[In_Trance]

probably not into you