Is it wrong to accept the fact that I'm ugly?

[pupluv45]

I'm not proud of the way I look and I'm ok with it. I'm not unhappy about it. When I tell other people this, they say "oh no, sweetie, you're not ugly you should never say that about yourself". Or they say "why are you saying that? you need to sell yourself if you want to find a partner." But what if I honestly don't think there's anything about myself that makes me marketable? what if there's nothing about me that I can use to "market or sell" myself? I have already come to terms with being single for the rest of my life. I'm no longer in the stage of denial. I have come to the final stage of acceptance. I'm not terrifyingly ugly but I'm not attractive. I don't feel bad about never being checked out because I am aware of how unattractive I am.

[caring__1]

We tend to be our own worst enemy. We look in mirrors and only see what differs from yesterday. Yet, when we look at others, we view them as a total package. When we view ourselves, we tend to focus on specific aspects, becoming critical of any aspects not promoted as attractive by society.

You say you wouldn't date someone you weren't attracted to. You're attracted to aspects you see as your preference. You believe those aspects will add something special to the relationship. These preferences tend to be haphazard. Ask yourself how one person might prefer blondes, while another prefer brunettes. Preferences aren't negative statements about what is different, but our belief that certain things have more value to us.

I know society promotes ideals, but, in reality, there will always be people who see value in every type of person that exists. If people weren't unique, restaurants wouldn't need menus. They'd just say, "This is what we're serving today." Do you feel threatened when you dine with someone who orders a different menu item than you?

A disappointing thing for me is related to what I find attractive. Since I'm drawn to aspects that aren't promoted as feminine by our society, it's very challenging to find women who have the look I like who don't feel flawed, inadequate and insecure. It's no fun being in a relationship with someone who constantly denies or minimizes any compliment shared with that person.

Rather than hold onto your negative self-image, ask those who know you to share what they see as your assets and liabilities. Put these lists together to get a clearer picture of the person you actually are. If one person says you have a good sense of humor, that probably just means you have a similar sense of humor to that person, not that you truly have a good sense of humor. If many people say you have a good sense of humor, you probably do have a good sense of humor. What if many people say they're drawn to your eyes, but you see your eyes as plain? Obviously, there is something in your eyes you can't see, because it is too familiar to you. Show these people a desire to see your eyes through their eyes, so you can understand the value they see. Once you know your true assets, you can then learn to enhance them... rather than constantly focus on what you feel should exist.

[MCheetah]

No. You know yourself better than I am. If you can't change it (and don't want to do cosmetic surgery), you might as well admit it is what it is. I'm ugly too, by the way. I'll be the first to admit it. You can see what I look like my avatar.

You're a 23 year old female, so unless you're very masculine/trans, dark-skinned, or obese, I severely doubt you're even close to ugly. But in case you ARE, you might as well admit it. And as a female, you'll still find a partner easier than most men who are 5s and 6s (less ugly than you).

As for marketability, you have t*ts! Use them! You can wear sexy (but not slutty) clothing like dresses, skirts, and heels. Use them!

You can wear makeup and look at "makeup for beginners" channels on YouTube. Use them!

And unless you're the typical modern woman who's a 3 or 4 expecting a 9 or 10 man, you can easily get a desperate borderline-incel guy to worship you and treat you as a goddess, if need be (chances are, you want a man who's a 9 or 10 though; as most women nowadays do). If you're not picky/entitled, then use that!

As a woman, you have endless options that men don't. Most women who advertise having an OnlyFans page on sites like Instagram and Facebook aren't even remotely attractive. They're 3s, 4s, and 5s. And yet, they have loser simps giving them hundreds of dollars each month. Your gender allows you to fail upwards more than any other time in history right now.

You, as a 23 year old female (who hypothetically is not a transman, butch, dark-skinned, or 300+ pounds) have no excuse to be single, unless you just don't want to be with anyone.

[pupluv45]

I'm 27. I'm not gonna date a guy who I'm not attracted to regardless if I am a 3 or a 8 out of 10. I'd rather stay single than date someone I'm not attracted to.

[pupluv45]

i don't expect anyone to date me if they aren't attracted to me either. Its quite selfish and immature of you to try to shame other people on here for wanting to date someone they are attracted to.

[pupluv45]

dating someone you're not attracted to is basically a form of extreme desperation. you will take absolutely anyone just so that you don't have to be alone.

[MCheetah]

No one is saying you need to date someone you have ZERO attraction to, but "beggars can't be choosers" is all I'm saying. If you expect someone who's a 10 out of 10, while you yourself have nothing to offer in return to him (not just looks, but personality as well), then why would he want you? As for me, I'm not looking to date anyone right now, so I understand what you're saying. But at the same time, if you're that picky, you can't complain about anything, either.

Whenever I try to say this to a woman, they always get upset, throw around the pathetic "you just must be an incel!" whininess, or assuming men should automatically think having ANY woman is "good enough," regardless what she brings to the table. And to be honest, so many women nowadays bring very little to a modern man's life outside of her body, if anything at all. Personality means nothing to these women, and they just take, take, and take, and think a man should be grateful she even showed up.

You may CLAIM you don't have looks, but what else can you bring to a man's life? If you can answer that with valid reasons, without getting offended by it, you very likely can find a man who'll want you.

Anyway, I just answered your other question.

[pupluv45]

you're saying that if i look like a 3 out of 10 then i should date a guy who looks like a 3 out of 10. why should i subject myself to date someone im not attracted to? you're saying that if i look like a 3 out of 10 then I must be able to find another person who is a 3/10 to be attractive?

nobody would find a 3/10 attractive regardless if it is an attractive or unattractive person.

you also seem to have a thing for shaming others on here. you clearly don't have a good heart.

[MCheetah]

No. I'm saying you're not entitled to perfection. I never said you had to "stick to 3s."
I've tried my best to help you, but you clearly just want to ignore everything I've said and think you're entitled to a perfect man despite having literally nothing to offer him (in looks or personality).
You're on your own. Good luck with getting that "10 out of 10" man you feel so entitled to.

[pupluv45]

I'd rather be alone than to be with someone you're attracted to.

a lot of your anger and hatred is due to your sense of entitlement. you think that you're entitled to someone as an ugly guy.

[pupluv45]

I'd rather be alone than to be with someone I"M NOT**** attracted to.

a lot of your anger and hatred is due to your sense of entitlement. you think that you're entitled to someone as an ugly guy.

[pupluv45]

[but you clearly just want to ignore everything I've said and think you're entitled to a perfect man despite having literally nothing to offer him (in looks or personality).]

i never said i wanted a perfect man. i never said i wanted a 10/10. but im not gonna marry someone that im not attracted to. end of story. there has to be attraction for things to work.

[melanieeeB]

If you feel that way, why not trying to change something?
You can enhance your appearance by new clothing, new hairstyle and or working out

[melanieeeB]

It's like saying Oh I don't think I can make it up that hill, without even trying. Why give up so easily?
Also you should work on your self-esteem

[pupluv45]

its harder than you think. road blocks all the way. I would need to spend thousands on makeup classes. Youtube tutorials aren't working for me. I work a full time job while attending school so even getting a day where i can get enough sleep is a luxury. Don't even talk about going to the gym 5 days a week to lose some weight.

[pupluv45]

I don't feel bad about guys not paying any attention to me. I don't have low self esteem. I just am acknowledging the consequences of not being attractive and thats ok. Its ok to acknowledge that I'm ugly and not worthy of being paid any attention to. I'm not offended or hurting over it.

[melanieeeB]

No, I think you're making it hard on yourself. It's easier to give up, isn't it?

You don't have to look like girls on Instagram or some shit! Just the better version of who YOU are is totally enough. You also don't need make up! Working on your self esteem is definitely crucial with you

[pupluv45]

I don't have low self esteem. I'm just accepting the consequences of being ugly. Sometimes you can be so confident in everything else but also acknowledge the fact that I will never be attractive. Its ok. I don't really care.

[lightbulb27]

Common challenge with girls, with some personalities and girls wh'ove been hurt emotionally. maybe you've been put down, or been rejected, and your best answer is your looks. Or maybe you are your favorite enemy?

I do think you have to accept yourself, but also love yourself. You do have to work on yourself to make the best you.

You do take responsibility to improve your self image, for what we see comes from what we believe about ourselves, which was told to us. Some of that is not true. Learn about the psychology so you can be your better self.

Have you seen some of these "movie stars" and such... they look awful. It's all makeup and surgeries. Stop comparing yourself to others, it's a one way ticket to sadness.

I've seen plenty of commonly considered unattractive people married and in relationships. Good attitude will make you more attractive. Looks are a part, not all. Personality wins... a lot more than you'd like to think. Everything in our society promoted about looks, but that's not all true, and what one finds looking good is not the same as another. I know that sounds like bs, but whatever.

What you have is a self image problem, a thinking problem, a believing problem, maybe a reality problem. What you do with that is your choice, your life.

I'd suggest getting a new perspective on life...

[pupluv45]

When you see the lack of attention you get in public from guys, the lack of eye contact, the number of guys who reject you compared to the number who accept you- these things can already tell you a lot. You just get a huge gut feeling, YOU'RE UGLY.

And its ok. Because I've accepted it. I'm not hurt. I'm not offended. I just don't see myself as someone who belongs in the dating pool.

[pupluv45]

Its true that looks are not everything. But looks are what determines if a guy wants to talk to you or not. And even if he does talk to you (which is unlikely), there can be equally as amazing girls out there who look way better.

[lightbulb27]

you are being quite superficial. Looks are a component, no denying that. What's more important is emotional connection. We talk to people we relate to and feel comfortable with, if we feel like reaching out. I ignored a lot of girls I was attracted to and ran away from many leaving them confused. Looks is a small part of it.
What you are doing is being a scientist... you've come up with an idea of why guys are not talking to you or looking at you. You look in the mirror and draw your conclusion.

If you want to post a pic I'll give my honest opinion. You could be, but I doubt it. I've had this kinda post before and it wasn't the case. I have my own suspicion as to why guys don't approach based upon my experience. It's what you are projecting emotionally. Keep in mind... I didn't approach girls for long time, I had no confidence. It isn't all about you... there's two sides to it. There are some really attractive girls who don't get approached, some whom are tall, etc.. Guys can be intimidated. To me, To me, it's about being the best with what you have, inside and out. Beauty is inside, outside is superficial, each can be improved.

[pupluv45]

why would any guy care about my personality if he doesn't even want me to talk to him?

your personality is nothing without physical attraction.

[lightbulb27]

sure, but there's degrees to attraction and looks. guys talk to girls they aren't interested in, or don't know they are interested in.
the opposite is also true, if the looks are there and personality is not, someone like me is not interested. some guys won't care so much about personality... because they all about having their needs fulfilled.

[pupluv45]

The younger the guy, the pickier he is.

I would love to show you a pic. But I'm on new on here , level 1 so I can't post links or message anyone.

[pupluv45]

I think its better to just face reality than to pretend lies are the truth.

No point in pretending you're pretty if you know you're ugly. I think its pretty pathetic.

[lightbulb27]

It's your life. What I hear is more is how your mind works... you see things as "this way" or "that way"... there's no in between. You can be average and be highly successful, I've seen it many times. I've seen pretty girls who can't get a guy. There's a lot of "dating skills, sales skills" that are involved. The truth is, you don't want to make effort to change yet and want an easy answer because the effort is painful. That is normal human, but also how your mind is working. I might be offending you here since I'm violating your "truth". That would say you have an emotional hangup. Rather than submitting to this "truth", I'd suggest you spend some time evaluating how your mind works, why, and what you want to do about that. That will pay big dividends no matter what.

keep posting and you'll get to next level soon.

[pupluv45]

What makes you think i would be ignorant enough to believe that im still attractive , if all i get is rejection every time i appear in public without ever opening my mouth?

you're speaking out of your own individual perspective. Looks dont matter to you as much but it does not necessarily mean this is the case for most guys.

Looks can be the sole reason why a guy doesn't want to talk to you in the first place. How are you supposed to shine if he does not even want to talk to you?

[lightbulb27]

It comes from inside no matter what. Every time I've seen girls post like this, and it's a few, and real life struggles of girls, it's the same issue... they look good enough, it's what they say without saying anything, as well their expectations and dating skills. Guys have the same if not reverse problem by the way.
There's a reason why aggressive girls win guys over passive girls... a lot.
Yes it is my view and you are right, it's just one view and I could be wrong. There are many possibilities. Seeing how you function in public make big difference or what you project. And yes, young guys are more superficial.

But again, it just sounds like the easy excuse to feel better as it matches your reality. I'd take your mind off this topic and explore how you can better yourself, how you can grow as a person. That will be much more productive than deciding to succumb to some truth you've decided... from your perspective.

[pupluv45]

It has little to do with energy. I dont have a bitchy resting face. I am not depressed. Im not upset. Why would i have negative energy?

you're just speaking from your own individual perspective. You dont represent all men.

[pupluv45]

Its quite funny how you say i must be miserable because i think im ugly. Im gonna shock you right here. Im not unhappy that im ugly. Im just not pathetic enough to be in denial. Im mature enough to accept myself for who i am.

[lightbulb27]

That's fine, and maybe you are average looking or less. How attractive do you think you are on a 1-10 scale? I'm just saying I've not seen a girl whom thought they were ugly that actually was. Maybe you are the unique case that has awareness. I had the same problem, I was told I was ugly, girls picked on me as did boys, and so I felt ugly and I sure didn't look like the hot guys. I accepted it sub consciously and it set me on my path of life, which was deeply flawed. Eventually I found conflicting opinions... which I summarily rejected because it didn't align with my belief. Took many years to fix that belief. You are right to accept yourself as you are. You are wrong to make the judgement about your looks and the implication of what it means. You are right to take responsibility for your attractiveness and be your best self. We have the same thing with our teen... boys don't talk to me, I'll never have a boyfriend, blah blah. It's false in her case. Haven't you seen a famous female that is successful that is frankly, not attractive? I can think of a few.

[pupluv45]

On a good day (which is getting increasingly rare) I think I can be a 7 out of 10. On a bad day, it can get as low as a 3 out of 10. But that is just my opinion.

[pupluv45]

I went through high school watching my classmates talk about getting compliments , getting hit on, getting random hugs from strangers. I just sat there awkwardly feeling weird that its happening to everyone else but me. Now that I'm in my late 20s, I go to bar social parties maybe a handful of times. Every single time, I would see girls getting talked to by guys. None of that happens to me. There were two guys who looked at me with disgust as they spoke to me. Male strangers have no interest in making eye contact with me. I only attract mentally ill guys or really tiny short men (I'm saying 5'3'' and under. In high school, I was also called ugly by a boy who thought I liked him. Back then, it stung really hard but now , its something I'm used to which no longer offends me.

[pupluv45]

I've checked out guys in public and they just react to me with disgust.

[pupluv45]

Stay single for the rest of my life is something that I've already come to terms with. I'm ok with it. I'm not willing to attempt to climb a mountain that I know I simply won't succeed in climbing. Even if there is a chance I can eventually climb up there, its not worth all the trouble. I'd rather enjoy my life than to suffer a million rejections before I can find 1 person.

[lightbulb27]

I know where you are coming from and I kinda did that, in my own way. What you are doing is putting a curse on yourself. It's fine, I get it.
I'll await a photo or video, then I know for sure. Maybe you are right, and if so... ok then... that's a load of energy you can apply to other things.
Finding and building a good relationship is work, even for the good looking. Heck, look at all the great looking people that blow it and get divorced, etc..
If it's worth the trouble... yea, I can relate. That was me for like into my 40's. Life has a way of happening, I'm married now... but not without a lot of mistakes and suffering to get here. I hate to say it, but we are our worst enemies sometimes.
I highly recommend you take your newly free time from dating and learn about human beings, how our emotions work, sub conscious mind, how these things work, then you can educate your girl friends at least and have a valuable life. As well... don't be that person that shoots down the one guy that does come along. That's the sad part about what you are submitting to. When that person shows an interest, you'll reject them, because of your belief. I know, I did that so many times.
I have to wonder... did you have a good father figure...

[pupluv45]

You might wonder why I am like this. Not many people can accept being ugly. But I can. Because I am very hardened by years of adversity throughout my life. The only reason I survived was due to my resilience and mental strength. Its takes a lot of strength to accept being unattractive. Because being ugly is some of people's biggest fears.

I had decent parents up until I hit my teenage years. Thats when everything went downhill. A lot of abuse at home and at school. It really hardened me over the years.

[lightbulb27]

Um, that makes a ton of sense! The whole "ugly" thing is really about being rejected, cast out, right? It's denial of connection and intimacy. I'm glad you had a good early life and I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties when you were a teen. Curious, what age it start and was the abuse directed at you, or just father/mother divorce chaos + sibling verbal abuse? You realize... that may have impacted your development, right? Have you ever taken a course in psychology? You got through it, and that's good. I got through my stuff, sort of. Im 33 years ahead of you and I had to find out the hard way the impacts of early development on my life. We don't see ourselves clearly, we take "the wounds" and keep moving, but it distort things, set us off course. The early life is our emotional programming which, when there are "interruptions", emotional wounds, curses and such, it creates distortions often to be re-addressed as we go through life. You can let it all be for now and address it later, or deal with it now.
Have you had therapy or considered it?
You're obviously a decent person in how you write, just wrestling with... the questions of life.

[pupluv45]

When I was 13, I was bullied at school by a few teachers due to a misunderstanding. I was a very shy, sensitive child so it really hurt. I had nobody to talk about it with which made things worse. Students being mistreated or bullied by teachers is anything new. A lot of these teachers were on power trips and think they can treat us any way they want because they saw us as just powerless kids.

At home, my father was also very abusive verbally and emotionally especially when I hit high school. My narcissistic mother was jealous of me and she was worried that my father would pay more attention to me than her. So my father did everything in his power to bully, make fun of me, humiliate, emotionally abandon me in order to appease my mother. It was a bit traumatic for me because my parents were the people I've trusted since birth. They were my world, the loves of my lives. So for them to just turn around and stab me in the back - it was not only painful but traumatic.

Besides this, there were many other reasons why they bullied me but its too long to write on here.

I've always been a very kind, sweet child so at first when I encountered all this cruelty, I really couldn't understand it. If I were in their position, I wouldn't have acted so cruelly. So as a teenager, I spent a lot of time analyzing / trying to gain insight on why other people behaved the way they did while remaining objective and logical. This gave me today's ability to think objectively without bias (which is something that most people lack).

Right now I'm 27 years old. I've been dealing with depression since I was 13 in 2008. I can't feel as deeply as other people because I have spent so many years trying to block off painful feelings. If other people can feel things 100% depth, I am only able to feel it at a 72% depth.

[pupluv45]

For many years I lived life according to this:

"If I dont care about other people , then what they think, say or do will never affect me".

While this is true. It also comes at a cost. By practicing on blocking off painful emotions, you eventually lose your ability to feel everything deeply.

I've never had therapy. Therapy was too expensive and ineffective.

Early childhood is our most formative years. Any scars that we experience through this period will negatively affect us for the rest of our lives. The older the child is, the less severe the consequences.

I was lucky enough to not have experienced anything super traumatic during early childhood. Though I do remember beating beaten as a kid, which was seen as normal in my culture. But I don't think this has affected me nearly as much as being bullied in adolescence.

I'm moving out of my parents house by the end of next year. It might be the best thing I will ever do for myself.

[pupluv45]

After all these experiences along with observing people for so long, I've already figured out a blueprint about how people's minds generally operate so I already know what to expect. Believe it or not, there isn't much variation amongst the population.

I've figured out what drives people, all ways they respond to situations, what makes them happy / like you/ do favors, why people do certain things , people tend to promote those that they like rather than those who are the best at the job, along with many other things. I know why people act the way they do and I know what to expect. I've learned to place importance on the right people.

I've come to the conclusion that most people aren't worth my time. I have my priorities in life and I plan my life according to my priorities. If they don't align according to my priorities then I'm not going to give them much of my time of day.

[lightbulb27]

This is what I value most about GAG, situations where people are wrestling with their frame of reality and it's causing problems in their lives.
I appreciate how you said "beaten"... I immediately thought..."she's Asian!", but had no data to confirm that as your writing is perfect English. I saw below you confirmed that you are Asian. I was going to send you an Asian wisdom quote before hearing that, now you get one especially... haha.
If you are anywhere near NYCity, I'll suggest to my wife, whom is Asian, meeting you for Sichuan or hot pot, if you ever wanted to. She be fun and easy to talk to. No doubt... you are suffering through some substantial traumas in early life, that was apparent in early discussion and now crystal clear. I'm not convinced it is all exposed either. You can be set on a better path and a poster child for why I believe in Christ. But you be you, it's your path of life and discovery, all others can do is be road signs. You're probably a sensitive person underneath that just had to shut down to survive, it's survival mechanism.

[lightbulb27]

I read all the posts/responses and have not seen your photo yet, the link doesn't work. I find your attractiveness and ugliness... irrelavant at this point. This is all past trauma you are dealing with in the present. If you need me to define "trauma", lmk. One question, you stated you are not depressed, but that you have boughts of depression since 13? So you are saying you are not depressed at this time? I can relate to you, what is going on and wrote down how it all works and why. But you aren't asking for help, you are asking for a confirmation of decision. Since your emotions are shut down, rational will bounce off the "hard shell" of your ego. So I won't fight with your sub conscious mind... pointless. My question is why did you ask this question the way you did?

The truth is really this: You are worthy of love, you have value. Learn to believe that. Christ can help with that, if you are willing. You are the wrong person to judge your attractiveness because of the traumas that occurred in early life. What you are doing is functioning out of that wound and it is distorting your life. It's your life to live and it's good you are taking responsibility.

[lightbulb27]

@midnightmoon05

[pupluv45]

Sweetie , you need to stop rushing to your own biased assumptions. i know i am worthy of love. But at the same time, im not upset about being rejected due to my looks. I dont understand why i have to keep repeating this over and over again. You add no value if you're just gonna spew out assumptions that aren't true.

Im ok being ugly. So quit pestering me about it. There is more to life than dating. I know there are qualities about myself that are highly desirable. I might not have the highest self confidence but i certainly dont have low self worth or dont think i deserve love.

This is the last time i will repeat this.

[pupluv45]

Just because i suffered from trauma and severe depression many years ago, it doesn't mean i haven't recovered. People heal as things change through life. For me, things are getting better and better right now.

[pupluv45]

Maybe i am ugly. Maybe i can't get guys that i want. I dont care. There is so much more to my life than dating.

[pupluv45]

Right now i am thinking about lifting weights , gain extreme muscle. I've always had the gift for being unusually strong for a woman. And I've always had a secret desire to turn into something like the hulk but i never attempted it because guys all tell me they are turned off by mucles on a girl. So i never lifted weights. But now that im older, i have come to realized that i won't attract any men even if i didn't have any muscles. So it really wouldn't make difference if i looked like the hulk or not.

Since im already in my late 20s, i am probably in one of my last years of my physical prime. I want to take the opportunity while i am still in my prime to reach my peak athletic performance.

Now i get to do the things i want without caring about what men think of me. Its one of the most liberating things. You may lose in one aspect but you win in another.

[lightbulb27]

It's good to set some challenging goals and go for them. I agree, enjoy your youth. Was thinking go for olympics, but maybe late for that...
yea, just get a dog...
I was alone for decades, no problem, you be you.

[pupluv45]

I'm thinking about having children on my own in a few years. Its always been my dream to become am other. I can't just let not being able to find a spouse destroy my whole life.

[lightbulb27]

I've seen it done, but watching parents with a little one, ... not something I'd do. I'd fix your viewpoint and try to find a guy. If it doesn't work, then bail out and adopt or have kids. but I've no success moving that donkey. Anything is possible anymore. It takes support at times, if you have that, like family, it helps. Else you dig deep at times and get the job done. In my view, kids benefit from both parents emotionally, they can usually do ok with one. my 5 cents.
Plenty of kids out there need parents.

[pupluv45]

I think the old notion that a kid needs opposite gender parents is Bullshit. Right now lesbian or gay couples are even having kids and these kids actually are doing better in school than kids born to heterosexual couples. There is no MUST for a child to have opposite gender parents. They just need a parent that they are happy with and incredibly love.

I grew up with a terrible father that I always hated ever since I was young. But I was always too afraid to say it because he had sacrificed so much to raise me. I love my father for the fact that he raised me but I honestly wished I never had a father. I never had a great relationship with my parents. And thats something that I have always craved even until now that I'm a fully grown adult. there's nothing that makes up for an amazing relationship with a parent. I'd rather grow up with an amazing single mom than the parents that I had.

[pupluv45]

I'm honestly so sick of the dating scene. Its not fun. Its unpleasant getting rejected so much. I'm not willing to go through a million rejections just to find 1 guy that wants me. Its not worth dedicating my life to begging men for acceptance. I could do so many other things with all that precious time and energy. There are also a lot of guys out there who are extremely rude. They can't reject or say no in a polite manner. I'm not willing to put up with these people for the rest of my life. I'd rather dedicate myself to people who appreciate me and make me happy.

[lightbulb27]

That's a well trained dog... haha!:) Joking
I can 100% relate to that... that was me and literaly made that decision after a few dates, funny enough, that were the first "online" dating... e. g. video tape service back then. I took a video of me talking which was awful, and then watched videos of gals in their library, then picked some to date. I did that and found a date on my own and it was never fun, terrible. I gave up and decided I'd enjoy my hobbies and stopped dating... for long time. no problem.
It's life, I've seen how mine went and in hindsight... I wish that video service had marched me into a therapists office:) 5 years later, maybe I'd have been in a better place. Instead, I paid the price one torn off bandaid at a time til I got to a better place.
It's all fine, you are the one making the calls and relationships take some work start to finish.
The one thing you haven't said is how taking you off the market leaves a guy without a girl!:) e. g. you are thinking selfishly. Just an observation, I suspect you don't believe that, but have you seen the guys out here saying the same thing... can't find someone... constantly rejected.
Dating is more like going fishing... its hard work, until it's not hard work anymore and the dating skills are good.
I don't wish the suffering of all that on anyone, but it's part of life in our society.
hey, at least you aren;t the indian girl whom loves a guy of another religion that her parents don't accept and is pushing her to pick some other guys to marry. That... is some serious stress, people jump off bridges to be free of that mess...
do your best... God will work it all out. You're going to be ok.

[pupluv45]

I am ok being alone. I would love to have a loving family and husband to come home to. there's nothing more cozy and safe as having a family who cares , loves you, and has your back. But sometimes life just doesn't work out that way. I have my children which will make me really happy. Its always been my dream / ultimate goal in life to become a mother. Not finding love. I don't really care about romance. Though it would be nice to know what it feels like before I die. But I'm ok if I never get to experience it either.

I know I will create a loving happy family with my children. I'm just worried about my kids growing up , moving away then just leaving me all lonely at the nursing home. But at least at that old age, I would have enjoyed my life being a mother and I would have so many experiences to reminisce on. Raising my kids are the highlight of my life. Its what I value the most.

I don't expect my dating to get any better as I get older and even uglier. Add 2 kids to that and I'm pretty sure even a bigger chunk of the dating market won't want me. But I'm ok with it.

Whenever I look at the mirror, I think its pretty obvious why any guy would take a look at me. I wouldn't take a second glance at my own reflection in the mirror, why would anyone check me out? There are even a few things that I'm even ashamed about my own face.

[lightbulb27]

The woman I married is chinese [I'm not] and has two kids, she was over 45 when we met. You own your mindset and sense of hope. Of course you don't want romance... that is emotion, and your emotions are shut down per what you said. When your emotions are turned back on, if they are, then things change and new world opens up.
Kids are wondeful, they are not your little buddies though, you have to be a parent to them, not their friend, and so its hard at times. Do a good job and they will successfully go out on their own and be healthy and build their own families.
where's that photo to look at?

[pupluv45]

Its not that I can't feel emotions. I can feel emotions. Just at less of a depth compared to the typical person. Its not that I don't want romance. I want romance. But its just seems impssile to find.

Honestly , after all the years of betrayal and trauma, I might really be better off never getting married. I would never trust anyone to be my spouse. You invest into someone beyond a great deal when you marry them. Once they cheat on you or do you wrong, my life would be destroyed. Its a depression I dont know if I will ever be able to get out of. I would date but I wouldn't get too emotionally involved.

A similar example is an island that has suffered through multiple earthquakes over the past few years. Buildings still lay in ruins as the next upcoming earthquake happens. Then the island just looks even worse. If it suffers 1 more earthquake the island would be completely destroyed 100% with no human life remaining.

This is analogy applies to my situation. I've been through so much heartache and betrayal and emotional suffering throughout my life that I'm the island laying in ruins. If one more serious betrayal happens, I honestly don't know if I can ever recover. Just like the island laying in partial ruins wouldn't be able to withstand just 1 more earthquake.

In about a few years, I am planning on purchasing assets. If I get married, I run the risk of losing my hard earned assets to a spouse.

Life being single might be my preferred life.

[lightbulb27]

Sure, I look at things in terms of emotions. Do you think Columbus would have sailed across the ocean if he thought like that? You are living out of fear rooted in your past, it's what I said before. You want something, but you don't want the risk of loss. I had the same thing, so I cursed myself when I was a teen to never be married or have kids... so I don't risk that loss. Curses work... they set an emotional restriction which was self fulfilled. Avoid doing that! They can be cleared out, but time has it's realities. It's all emotional. If you think like that... wouldn't you fear leaving kds without a mom if something happened to you? There's more fears in life than you can count. What you need... is to improve your emotions so you have hope, faith and love to give. Then you project something better (sub consciously)... and have a chance to attract the similar. Attraction is very sub conscious.. that's where the connection occurs.

As an adult, you own it. I wrote down how all this works and I can send it. But I feel like what's the point if you aren't ready, it just bounces off your fear. It's like trying to talk to an alcoholic who isn't ready to give up their stuff. Have to hit the "rock bottom" turning point and want something bad enough. Then you have to set off on your Columbus voyage to get it. You've come up with easy answers to avoid pain, suffering, fear, loss.

It's your life. I think that be really tough though, I wouldn't' want to be a single parent. But it's been done if there's enough resources.

There is nothing perfect. Life is work, it takes effort to change and get what you want.

[pupluv45]

I honestly don't think its worth the risk. I'd rather never experience romance in life than to die in depression and misery. I think romance is overrated.

[pupluv45]

I've already been beaten so down that I cannot withstand anymore blows. I'm not your average person that can still get up after being cheated once. I was an island that withstood many earthquakes, everything is already partially dilapidated. You're an island who hadn't experienced your first earthquake. You can withstand a blow. On the other hand, I won't know if I would recover from another blow.

[pupluv45]

Romance certainly has its emotional benefits that I crave. But if I take a look at the other side, there are also many logical benefits that I can gain from never getting married.

[lightbulb27]

Do you take medication for emotional issues? Since your emotions are muted, be difficult to have relationship. I'd suggest some things that will help: Daily meditation. Explore Jesus Christ message. I started by reading Spirituality for Dummies. It was helpful.
Life is a day at a time... It will all work it's way out...

[pupluv45]

I find it hard to make friends too. Other people tend to make friends easily and have people talk to them for hours and hours. When I talk to people, its really hard to get past the small talk stage and move things towards friendship. But life is not a fairytale. Far from it. I just have the mental strength to accept things for what they are like while other people do not.

[pupluv45]

My emotions are not muted. My emotions are toned down. doesn't mean I don't have any emotions. they're just less intense than the average person's. I can certainly experience romantic feelings but its too much of a hassle and risk to me. I really ccrave the emotional rewards of a romantic relationship but at the same time, I also feel that Im also better off without it.

When I commit to someone, I'm investing a great deal into them and the outcome of the relationship / marriage will take a great effect on my future well being. I just don't prefer to put my happiness at the hands of someone else.

I'd rather be alone and live a life of mediocrity than to live a happier life constantly looking behind my shoulder , wondering when tragically bad things will happen.

[pupluv45]

I dont want to put my own happiness at the hands of someone else. if you want me to be honest. Every single time that I ever let anyone else make decisions for me, it has always been a mistake. Bad things always happened. Nothing has ever beat my own decision making and intuition. I want to live my life where I can control my own happiness and outcomes. Rather than to give this power to someone else.

[pupluv45]

Another thing is, I"m so tired of constantly looking for acceptance from men. I used to be very concerned about what guys thought of me. I used avoid doing things i liked because i didn't want to turn off the boys. I used to buy / wear things just to impress the boys (though i never really wanted to buy them). I'm tired of constantly having to deal with rejection especially if its rude.

I"m just tired of caring about what guys think or their reactions. I want to interact with people who make me feel appreciated. I want to do things that I want to do without caring about what guys think. I have so many other things in life to live for. And I know that kicking guys out of my life will make me a much happier person.

[pupluv45]

trust me, I"m perfectly content being single for the rest of my life. Only thing I'm worried about is being lonely when I get old. I'm kinda afraid of my kids moving away from me.

[pupluv45]

I followed you. Can you accept my follow request so I can invite you over to a question with my picture on it?

I can't send links since I'm only on level 1

[lightbulb27]

Your comments are spot on... your opinion is what matters. That is learning to value yourself and view. Do take input, but learn to trust your judgement and intuition, which is likely very strong.
That said, you are a normal human being. I suspect you are a sensitive soul and so some things impacted you greatly and these things impacted your development in life.. reference the Erickson Clark chart for common patterns. You are now in the "mating/reproduction" stage of life after growing up and trying to operate in trust, intimacy and such without a damaged view. You want it, but you are affraid. I can relate to a lot of this and I had similar issues. Without effort, wounds control. When you heal wounds, they become power! The goal in life then is to rise above what you've experienced and achieve your dreams in spite of the failures.

[pupluv45]

Check your notifications. I invited you to a question

[Anonymous]

Only if you KNOW undeniably that for a fact. Hey, I was never a first choice and after awhile I accepted that just like you. Even closed the door, locked it an threw away the key. And for the next 15 years. I lived a relatively happy, single life. Then a woman came into my world and gave me hope to dream. I summoned up all my courage and asked her out and she accepted. Woo hoo! Then a couple days later backed out and said she didn't think of me like that. That was probably my lowest point. So I finally said "F it" and just started going out on a regular basis being flat out stupid talking women I had no right talking to in terms of thier level of attractiveness. And I was just having fun because literally didn't give a damn anymore. There reaches a point where there's nothing a person can say to hurt you anymore. And that's when strangely enough women started approaching me. First a few Then more and more. Now I'm not going to sell you some story and say I lived happily ever after. I'm not going to tell you I'm madly in love. But what I will tell you is some women somewhere took notice of me. Based on how I am and where I'm at in life I figure I'll probably always be single. But it's not because I don't have value or couldn't make some woman happy.

I guess what I'm saying if you decided you aren't in high demand i don't see a problem with that. But don't assume just based on your experience that no guy anywhere is capable of loving you. And also few people out there who are with someone are truly happy. Dating is a meat market and you're seldom meeting the real person anyhow. So by being single, you're really not missing that much.

[pupluv45]

I don't feel bad about guys not paying any attention to me. I don't have low self esteem. I just am acknowledging the consequences of not being attractive and thats ok. Its ok to acknowledge that I'm ugly and not worthy of being paid any attention to. I'm not offended or hurting over it.

[Opinion Owner]

Well ok, but all people are ugly eventually. No one stays hot forever. So I reject your reasoning that that makes not worthy of being paid attention to. You may not get the attention fairer looking women do but that doesn't make you worthless.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

I know how you feel. It's very annoying when others try to tell you that "you are beautiful". For me, I don't feel like I have an "ugly" face but that I'm unattractive and I don't have what girls like. I think, it's completely fine as in my case, this doesn't stop me for trying to meet people and ask girls out and do whatever I want. So maybe, that's what you need! Don't listen to anyone and try to better the things you CAN control and ask people out. You never know what's out there till you try ;)

[pupluv45]

there's no point in trying if you just know you will get disappointed.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

But you cannot live thinking that you don't try for something you want. Nothing is "100% sure". Actually, it has been proven by numbers that there is indeed someone that will like you (which you'll always like back of course) and you'll be happy together. He's just out there waiting for you. And no, this isn't cope, numbers never lie!

[pupluv45]

I'm not willing to go through a million rejections just to find 1 person to say yes to me. I'm not willing to settle so low that I'm dating someone I'm not attracted to. I think its more worthwhile for me to just stay single than to go through the hell of all that.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

Seeing my past self in this comment. First of all, I SPECIFICALLY said that you'll find someone you ARE attracted to. Also, it will not be "1 million" rejections, relax...

Anyways, you'll get over it one day. Hope it comes soon. Good luck and have fun ;)

[exitseven]

I was not very good looking either and did not think I would ever get a girlfriend. I worked on myself to be the best version of myself that I could be. I could accept my fate as long as I gave it my best shot. I finally did get a girlfriend. We broke up after a few years but I found the person I was supposed to marry. I guess I want to say that the whole thing was a process.

[bean2k21]

Have you ever thought about the fact that ugly people are actually in the majority? Sure, there are hot women in the world, but they have everything handed to them and are dumb as shit and end up being pregnant soccer moms with wrinkles in about 10 years. Beauty fades, fast.

[Anonymous]

Being physically unattractive doesn't mean you'll be alone in life. I know several women who aren't objectively attractive but have landed good men. The things they all have in common are that they're fun to be around and realistic about their expectations. I actually think unattractive women have an edge, particularly in online dating, if they have good attitudes.

[GoodGuyBreakingBad]

My friend, I'm sorry you feel this way, I'm not attractive person and I feel down because of it, but it happens nothing we can do.

[pupluv45]

you need to accept it as a part of you. learn to realize there is more to life than just the opposite gender. I'm not feeling down cuz i can't attract any guys.

[Berethor]

Having a self-awareness is good, so you not looking for a prefect guy anymore.

[WildCard42]

I saw your picture, I think you're adorable looking.

It makes me sad that I'm older.

[pupluv45]

I do have some cute features but there are so many things I also don't like about my face. It just ruins the cuteness

[WildCard42]

I like that you have a different look. your lips, nose, and eyes are really interesting and cute.
There's something about you that's actually hot. I would be crushing on you if I knew you.

[pupluv45]

sorry. i don't see it at all.

[WildCard42]

Maybe it's because I really appreciate Asian beauty. I see lots of things I like when I looked at you.
I guess you have a different perspective.

[pupluv45]

do you have a thing for Asian girls?

honestly I am kind of ashamed of my appearance.

[WildCard42]

I prefer to look at it as "I have good taste" but sure, you could say that Asian women are my type.
There's elements of your appearance that remind of all my favorite female Asian movie stars and even my ex-wife. When I look at you I see what I would want as a White guy who truly loves Asian women.

[pupluv45]

I don't get much attention from white guys in real life. I never get much attention in general. But its always been black guys who liked the way I look.

[WildCard42]

I guess I can only speak for myself. I noticed your photo and I stopped scrolling immediately because I was excited to comment about how cute you are.
I'm sorry to hear that you haven't received a lot of attention. I just wanted to help you see that you are quite attractive actually. To me you're perfect.

[Emanon25]

That’s how you see yourself but others see you beautiful for them, don’t underestimate yourself.

[Heolurt]

I guarantee you're not and you know you're not but if you feel that way then it's your personality that's probably ugly.

[BJP21]

Tell your inner saboteur to go $%^& itself, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[LimitedBenefits101]

At least you are accepting it most women would deny it.

[FunkyMonkee]

I'd have to see you, first.

[pupluv45]

h
ttps://www. girlsaskguys. com/qt/how-do-i-look/q4942151-do-you-think-i-m-ugly

[FunkyMonkee]

That doesn't work.

[pupluv45]

copy and paste it onto your search bar

[FunkyMonkee]

It doesn't work. I even took out the spaces.

[joeldalton]

Is that you on the other similar question?

[pupluv45]

maybe

[joeldalton]

So yes.

[pupluv45]

i get rejected a lot. no guy hits on me

[joeldalton]

I doubt it’s because of your looks. You look fine.

[pupluv45]

sometimes pics don't really capture the real deal. I look different in the mirror compared to pictures.

[joeldalton]

Not that much, lol.

[pupluv45]

i don't even like looking at my face in the mirror. I have a double chin, my face is too big, my forehead is too large, my jaw is too squarish, my cheeks are too big.

[joeldalton]

Now we’re finding out why no guy hits on you, you’re miserable and insecure.

[pupluv45]

im just being honest.

and no, im not longer miserable about being ugly. I'm ok with being ugly. I'm ok with guys never checking me out because I understand I'm not look worthy. You might assume I am unhappy with this. But I'm really not.

[pupluv45]

I won't check out myself. so why would I expect any guy to check me out?

[joeldalton]

Do you ever eat at restaurants?

[pupluv45]

Not really.

I've been to bars. Only to be ignored by men while other girls got hit on

[joeldalton]

Right but that doesn't answer my question. IF you went to a restaurant and the menu stated:

"Burger: Try our burger, it's a gray slab of meat on a stale bun with the cheapest cheese and ketchup we could get from our food distributor"

would you eat it?

[pupluv45]

no.

same reason why I don't expect men to pay any attention to me.

I'm a gray slab of meat on a stale bun with the cheapest cheese and ketchup we could get from our food distributor.

Looks cannot be changed drastically. You are born with what you have. Even plastic surgery does not work.

[pupluv45]

If I'm a 3, the best I can be is a 4.5. I will never turn into a 7 or a 8. Its not gonna happen.

[joeldalton]

But if a restaurant served that same dish and said:

"Artisinal Angus Burger: Our 1/4" all-beef patty is nestled between a potato roll with a slice of all-american cheese and a slathering of artisinal ketchup"

you'd be inclined to order it.

[pupluv45]

well that doesn't do me any good. so I wouldn't care

[joeldalton]

Sure you would, and sure it would. If you're determined to be miserable, that's your choice.

[pupluv45]

Again I'm not miserable about being unattractive. Its something I have come to terms with. there's something called "acceptance" that you've never heard of. I've accepted being ugly as a part of me. And the reason why I have done so is because it will always be a part of me. I can't get rid of it. So its pathetic to fight it.

why would an ugly person pretend to be pretty and believe she is entitled to men?
doesn't that just sound so pathetic?

[pupluv45]

its like saying you hate glasses. but you can't see without them. so you're gonna wear your glasses while you pretend you dont have them on? I'm not pathetic.

[joeldalton]

lol, ok sweetie. good luck with your future endeavors.

[HelpingMcHelpington]

I doubt you're ugly.

[Erron_Black]

if u follw me i will tell u