Need your help?

[Anonymous]

So I am lost and just want to talk about this crazy situation. I met this guy online 1.5 weeks ago. We matched and started talking. We clicked instantly and seem to be matching on every level. I do not expect anyone to understsnd this as I would have not if I were not in this situation. We live 5700 miles away. We already say that we like each other. We talked about visiting each other (first he comes to me) to see if actually this could lead to somewhere. He is actually going through a divorce (his 2nd one). He never lied about this to me and was very clear that the divorce will be pronounced in 3 months. So today he just informed me that he was feeling uncomfortable, or rather a feeling he could not explain about talking to me while still being married. That he had the impression that to make things right and before things go deeper with me, he needed to be done with the divorce first. So he decided that it would be better to stop talking till the divorce is pronounced. Telling me that I am the first girl he feels about this way since he separated and do not want to risk destroying our chances. That he feels bad not being able to talk about liking a new girl to anyone as all would be judging him and would not understand. He said that he could not ask me to wait for him but that he feels that it should be done this way. And he admitted having bought the tickets to my place (with possibilty of canceling same 3 months prior to the departure date). That he will contact me in 3 months and that if I wanted, he would be cancelling the flight. He also told me that de deleted the app because he does not want to meet someone else. The thing is I never felt like this about anyone. I just feel lost. I just want to know your thoughts about this. Thank you.

[WonderBell99]

I understand where you are coming from, but liking someone’s online persona is very much different from liking their actual personality IRL. Often, people aren’t what they project themselves to be. You don’t know what his quirks are, some of his habits might turn you off. It is easy to fall for someone online, but more often than not, it is just us idealizing and fantasizing about someone we think they are. We might think that we’d met our perfect match, but the reality isn’t always the same.

Besides, 5700 miles is way too far. Not only does he seem unsure of where he stands with you, (quite normal since you haven’t met him in person yet) but he might also want to reconcile with his wife. Often, people in the middle of a divorce are emotionally unavailable and vulnerable. He must be experiencing a lot of emotions at once and might even “fall” for you because he is confused about what he wants to do with himself. He might feel like his life is falling apart and that he is in need of an anchor.

I’m not implying that long distance relationships cannot work out. They can, with enough patience, dedication, respect and trust but I would also suggest you refrain from investing too much into him. You might not feel a connection if you meet IRL. You could keep in contact with him, and see where this goes if things go as planned… but one of you has to move some time in order to make this work. Is he ready to move to your place IF things go well? Or are you ready to move? I’m just putting forth all the possibilities.

[SphynxUK]

He’s not genuine. At all. Too many red flags to mention. Did you see the flight bookings? Do you know the time limits on a divorce? It happens when it gets completed and you don’t get the date in advance.

[Anonymous]

'... We clicked instantly and seem to be matching on every level. I do not expect anyone to understsnd this'

I do understand this. This is very common with online 'connections'. You would be shocked at how often this happens and it is why I recommend people meet as soon as possible when talking online. He may not know it, but part of the reason why he feels uncomfortable is because on some level, he knows it is not as it seems. When you talk online, much of the missing gaps are filled in by your own desires, fantasy, needs and dreams. It happens quickly and convincingly. It does not mean that it can't work out, but it means fantasy overtakes reality.

However, when a person 'ends up' only falling for a person online and who is 5700 miles away, there is a strong potential that they are not ready for commitment, or are emotionally unavailable.

[Adam1978]

I would say no and no, first is for distant relationships, second is for a person that is divorcing and straight jumping ship to you. Nothing of this is good. It's most likely a scammer and you aren't alone. He is just trying to make you special. He wants you to start pursuing and waste money on him, that's why he is retreating. He never had any intention to go to you.

[Avicenna]

I wouldn’t wait for someone von like that. You do not know if he’s messing around with other women

[Asker]

True. Thank you.

[coachTanthony]

5700 miles away. Just don't. Even if all this other shit wasn't an issue 5700 miles will never allow you to get to know someone date someone enough to see if you are compatible.

[Guy13]

I tried to follow your story but could not.

[JPresidente]

Too many red flags as another user pointed out and LDR are difficult unless someone is willing to move. This guy sounds like a player if I’m being honest. Better to bow out now. Short term pain, long term gain.

[Nik1hil]

Second divorce 🚩

5700 miles away🚩

Never met him IRL🚩

His actions differ from his words🚩

He is still married, legally speaking!.. 🚩

[CA4444]

Seems like a good idea to settle things with previous partners and then take things slow…

[Anonymous]

This is too complicated to make sense of it.

[Surely]

He might be trying to reconcile with his wife and doesn’t want to feel guilty.

[Cedman]

It is best to roll out of the relationship, he seems shifty.

[LazerBean]

You lost me at second divorce.

[joeldalton]

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

[OddBeMe]

Yeah, he’s playing you.

[In_Trance]

Tldr

Walk away