My boyfriend's parents seem a bit overbearing is this usual?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend parents seem a bit overbearing. Is this normal?

My boyfriend and I met in June 2022 via hinge, went on a bunch of dates, and made things official in August, and so far, things have been going well for us.
He bought a home last year, and his parents did help him a bit. Still, he has been living alone for a year now, so with that being said, I first visited his home back in September, and we only began having sleepovers and experimenting sexually in November; since then, he has told me that his parents are very traditional. They are also religious, requiring him to attend church for an hour every Saturday.

So this past holiday weekend, I spent four days, including Christmas, with my boyfriend, and his family invited me over to brunch and dinner and kindly even got me gifts for Christmas, which I'm very grateful for. However, his parents were not a fan of me sleeping over at his home, and he had to tell them that he was sleeping on the couch to get them off his back, lol.
Furthermore, I currently do not drive and live about 30 minutes away from my boyfriend on the other side of town, so they are not too happy about him picking me up and dropping me off. Still, there are times when I meet him halfway; regardless, they haven't been a fan of that, which I understand, but still, this is his decision to be with me.
Other than that, there has been a bit of other controlling behaviour I have noticed from his parents, and I was wondering if this is usual. We are both 26 years old, so in terms of a long-term committed relationship, I sometimes fear this might help me with an issue in the future. Also important to note, this is our first relationship for both of us.

Thanks for any advice!

[SteveSmith1985]

So, no this is not normal. But it doesn't sound like it's completely outside the bounds of...'acceptable' (For an over-the-top religious and conservative household where the parents are overbearing people by nature).

It's maybe on the extreme end of the 'acceptable' (like "not straight-up abusive). That doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel exactly as weirded out by it as you fee. Your reaction to this is normal, understandable and justified.

These just sound like over-the-top intrusive parents who are extraordinarily conservative when it comes to sex and relationships when it comes to the sleeping on the couch thing. That... I think is actually going to be pretty normal for anyone who is super-religious. That is silly-as-hell, and even sillier if his parents didn't already acknowledge that their 26 year-old-son was obviously already having sex with his girlfriend.

Still, I think that a "separate rooms while you're staying under our roof" rule... is quite 'normal' among super religious people with 'traditional values'. That part... doesn't bother me. It just makes me roll-my-eyes at his parents.

The other thing... about them not liking him having to drive to come pick you up...

That one strikes me as WAY weirder, and WAY less appropriate than the separate beds thing.

This DOES indicate a fundamentally inappropriate level of (attempted) involvement in their adult son's affairs. This is not normal. At all. Not even a little bit. I don't care what type of parents/people we're talking about... that is not normal behavior. That one sets off my alarm bells a little bit.

It's one thing for a parent to be a "worrier" ("I hope you check your tire-pressure and make sure all your head-lights work before you make those 'long' drives. Make sure you get your oil changed on time too" sorta thing).

This above is a case of a mother being worried about something "going wrong" while her son is out there living his life, and making his own decisions. There is no attempt to INFLUENCE the behaviour (driving further than they think ideal). They recognize that attempting to exert parental influence over the actual decision to make the drive... would be wildly inappropriate
.
They understand that it is not their place to make that decision, or to attempt to influence it. As you said... it IS your boyfriend's choice to drive out to see you. That would be equally true if you lived 5 hours away. The fact that his parent don't seem to understand how wildly inappropriate it is for them to "have a problem" with the driving or distance... that's really concerning.

It makes me wonder what other ways they are inappropriately inserting themselves into his life. I'd call the driving thing "a red flag" (but like... a 'parent red flag') I feel like the real answer to this question is going to be found among the details of whatever "a bit of other controlling behaviour you have noticed from his parents."

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the insight!! You truly encapsulated what was on my mind... I will continue to monitor their behaviour and go from there.

Happy new Year!!