Do you think this is a valid reason for not calling me as much as before?

[Anonymous]

We’re in a 3 year long distant relationship. He recently travelling all the way from the states to the UK to spend 3 weeks with me for the first time. After leaving he texted me saying he wants to see me again and also called me when he got home to repeat that. Anyway since then which was 2 weeks ago I’ve only gotten 2 calls. He’s been texting but it’s not as frequent (during his evenings) as usual. I flagged to him that we don’t really talk as much as we used to and he said ‘we saw each other for 3 weeks, give us time to miss each other’. He also said that ‘we talked a lot over the phone before meeting because we hadn’t seen each other before.’

How would you interpret what he wrote? Im of course going to back off now but it’ll be good to get a man’s perspective on this

Updates

+1 y

when this same guy was here he told me about his ex who is now married with a baby but she’s not happy and just simply ‘co-habitating’ with her husband. He says they talk now and again and told me her family liked him (I think that was a dig at me as my family weren’t sure if he would ever come to visit me) but he’s definitely in contact with this chick who live in his country close to him and on Christmas Day he told me that she texted him. Is he friendzoning me?

[Anonymous]

I think maybe give yourself another deadline see how it goes within 2-3 months
If this is consistent again within 2-3 months than I don’t think anymore he needs space and whatever. I believe everything in moderation he is “acting this way?” Ok then fine.. I’ll give him what he wants —think that ! But if this is ~ consistent - I’ll honestly give up like 100%.
Because this is not love what you are feeling you aren’t feeling loved and warm that’s what relationships are about.
So yes I don't know how much you love him etc etc but give yourself some time you are doing this for yourself not for him this life is yours only and if this is consistent again and again.. him not showing kindness for the deadline you set let’s say 3 months , than leave.
If you notice he changes and he there for you being constant with message and calla if he replies then stay. Because for now I think he feels safe with you. It’s like he knows you are there. But no you are not a pet, show him you can’t be there always
you show that by doing that deadline of 3 months or whatever deadline you wish. And back off.
Don’t be scared to back off and show power. As I said this life is only yours you are here alone and you will die alone. You only have your creator forever ( if he exist ofc lol) so don’t be scared thinking” oh but I have to find another men it’s hard will I ever find love “ . You will always always find someone for you out there don’t limit yourself. Show him who’s the boss once in a while. This is what he is doing.
I had a relationship like this I got tired I imitated what he sis called or messaged every 2 weeks and I saw he didn’t care or give a fuck at all then it’s when I noticed ohh well he doesn’t love me. And he didn’t because then I didn’t message every 2 weeks anymore I did every 3 weeks and so on and it does itlsef. No one said good bye it just died.


Be careful and act as you wish don’t give a f to call it off too if you don’t feel happy. Plenty of guys out there

[Asker]

Thanks for this. I appreciate it xoxo

[Opinion Owner]

I think you have to be direct with him. Don’t be scared.. ask him exactly what you are questioning here at GAG. No one can tell you what you want to know here because we don’t know the person.
Ask him this exact questions don’t waste your time.. ask him if he still likes you! What is the future with you? Does he want to stay with you get married in the future? Is he friend zoning you etc .
There is no need to be shy and scared. That’s the quickest way to know. If his answers are not what you want to hear than delete his number and everything.

[girlypop00]

I was in a similar situation (also long distance, though we had met and been together in person multiple times, for extended periods of time, ie 3 months at a time) with lack of quality texts or calls.

I thought I was being too clingy and backed off, as he was being distant. I thought he needed space.

Skip to 8 months after that. I got a call from a girl who asked who am I. Turns out he had a whole 8 month relationship while I was in my country. Our anniversary he spent at her house.

He played both of us by sleeping with another girl for a long time on top of that.

Don't let men gaslight you into believing you don't deserve something or something isn't normal. My boyfriend told me "love mellows" to get me to back off, when I voiced our problems, so he could cheat easier.

Like someone said, give yourself a deadline. And if he hasn't fixed up by then leave.

Sometimes people have different love languages and needs. Don't neglect your needs, you'll end up getting hurt and wasting your time.

[lightbulb27]

He shouldn't be chatting with the x-gf... especially after 3 years. He's still connected and emotional support... in essence at minimum, emotionally cheating, assuming he thinks he's in a relationship with you.

you have a phone and text friend and that's it, possibly with benefits.

I was in ld relationship and we are married now. my relative was in LD relationship with Cross USA/Europe person, now married. Each put work in to make it work and make changes. I had to learn to cut out the other women and so will he, if he wants you. Else move on.

a valid reason in a sense yes, we would take breaks from talking. but we'd also see each other frequently, like 4-6 weeks.

LDR can work, depending upon what you want and it may take some pressure to make changes.

[Asker]

Chatting to the ex girlfriend AND telling me about it. My friends said he’s using me. I guess we haven’t had the exclusive talk yet but I’m honestly at this point feeling like walking away. I can tolerate a lot but being used to me hurts deeply. I’ve been used many times in the past. You say you had to cut out the other women. Was this something that was requested of your wife or something you thought you just had to do? What spurred this decision?

[lightbulb27]

yes I had primarily women "friends" and friendzone myself for long time that I gave so much to. Woman stick their barbs in deep, we don't see it so well. Best way to see it is to ask "is this good for me and what am I getting out of it". Even that would have tripped me up years ago. My girlfriend at the time now wife had to really put some pressure on me and challenge me to cut them out or put them in proper places and I didn't want to, it was battles and fights. I eventually did and all better now. It's partly me and partyly them, I had to examine myself why I was doing what I was doing and I had my issues.
In 3yrs and not exclusive is an issue if that's what you seek. The longer it dangles the more stale can get. I think you are too nice, you have to really look at yourself and think. 33... if want kids, need to hit the "go" pedal. relative had kids around 37.
guys... some are motivated because they want families. Others... they will keep doing what they are doing. things don't change without some motivation.
I moved 9 hours to be with wife and she moved 1.5hrs, we compromised and it works. I have good life, like where I'm at. Sometimes the change is very refreshing and needed...

[lightbulb27]

and I'm talking the last 7 years...

[Asker]

I think he went quiet on me because after he left my house he got back home called me and then that weekend onwards I think he went to visit someone else. I have no proof but I deserve better. I’ve never had the exclusivity talk or ‘where is this going’ talk. I’ll look desperate if when he’s backing off and treating me bad that I bring it up now. What should I do? Also what made you get rid of those other women. I think if she didn’t say anything to you that she wanted them to go / or if she didn’t talk about commitment that you would have continued playing the field

[Anonymous]

He doesn't realize that most women only look at what you're doing for them currently and they don't consider what you've done for them previously. Hence why the 3 weeks doesn't factor into this at all (from your perspective).

He doesn't understand this and maybe even you don't. His message translates to him wanting some time to himself to recharge because he doesn't work from the same perspective you do. He sees what he just did for those 3 weeks and doesn't factor in what he is currently 'not doing'. Thus he needs space and time away from you.

[Asker]

But is this normal? Should I be concerned by him needing space and time away from me?

[Asker]

Please do let me know if I should be concerned by him needing space and time

[Opinion Owner]

It depends on the personality type, whether they are introvert, ambivert or extrovert. But if you spent 3 weeks together consistently then it's likely normal for most to need a break.

[Asker]

Thanks. I have another question but I reached my question limit.

This same guy who came to spend Christmas and new year with me told me when he was here about his ex who is now married with a baby but she’s not happy and just simply ‘co-habitating’ with her husband. He says they talk now and again and told me her family liked him when they were together for a year in the past) (he said that as a dog as my family were apprehensive about him) but he’s definitely in contact with this chick and on Christmas Day he told me some people texted him and also she did too.

is this guy tryna make me jealous or is he simply friendzoning me?

[Opinion Owner]

You are asking the wrong questions. There are so many serious redflags in what you just posted it's crazy. He's still into his ex, still in contact with her even though she is married. This shows lack of boundaries, no loyalty, lack of respect to the husband, inability to move forward and leave the past where it should be left. He's wasting your time and his.

This is a train-wreck and should be left well alone!

[Guy13]

Chill out. All he needs after 3 weeks is overly needy and emotionally oppressive woman. He will be regretting that he went. Even if it was a big goofy guy from here.

[Asker]

Oh ok so you think this is normal.

[Guy13]

Yes Mamm. I think it’s best thing possible. He’s taking time to put all the pieces together for one decision.
One can’t ask for anymore than that.

[Asker]

I hope you’re right because a lot of people have said it’s because he’s not into me

[Rosexøxø]

😐

”time to miss you”

he don’t miss you.

case closed.

(Not you- the case).

you want to keep it open, you can?

[AviatorTom]

One of the key parts of a LDR is missing each other, like he said. You two stay in contact very well for a LDR... consider yourself fortunate.

[Sorrento-Sun]

I'd assume after meeting in person the texting and calls would increase, not decrease.

The foundation of a LDR is online communication. Without it, or lack of it, you have no basis for a relationship. Lack of regular communication in LDR leads to distrust and insecuties.

He's making excuses which invalidate how you feel. That would be a red flag to me.

Personally, I'd back off too.

Meeting in real life should strengthen the relationship. Couples shouldn't have to communicate less in order to miss each other. Regular quality communication strengthens relationships.

[Chazmatazz269]

Here’s the thing that women often don’t want to admit….. his reasons don’t have to be any more valid than yours. He owes you nothing. Same as you owe him nothing. If it’s kool for women to ghost men, then it’s kool for men to ghost women. All you need to know is what you need and want out of a relationship. If he’s not offering that, then move on. It’s neither your right nor your responsibility to demand change from him. If you’re worth it, he’ll change. He’s probably just not that into you.

[Iron_Man]

I don’t believe in that. I think that you should talk every day.

[Asker]

So you think this guy is not interested anymore?

[Iron_Man]

It’s early in the game yet you’ll find out but I believe in talking every day it’s healthy you don’t have to talk real long, but at least touch bases and go over stuff. Keep it going the fire keep the fire lit 🔥

[Asker]

Yes we used to talk every day or every other day sometimes every couple days but since he’s been back from my home he’s called twice in 2 weeks. I just have to back off

[Iron_Man]

It’s disappointing

[Iron_Man]

Try to come up with some more plans

[Asker]

What do you mean

[Iron_Man]

Plan another get together

[Asker]

Yes he said he wants to see me again

[Iron_Man]

I guess you’re gonna have to be a little bit more aggressive for a while, and reach out to him

[In_Trance]

How long were you together before distance became a factor?

[Asker]

It was always distance. We met virtually at the start of covid. And developed a really close bond for 3 years and then met for the first time over Christmas and new year

[In_Trance]

Unless you have a firm date on when the distance will end, this is a smoke show

[Asker]

Exactly. He’s not working currently and living with him friend and his friends wife and can’t really see beyond getting a job currently. Then we can start putting the wheels in motion

[Anonymous]

All you can do is back off and see what happens.

[boobliker]

call him or text him every night it is a two way street

[CuriousMufuxka]

I think you're obsessing a much too much over this guy that can't let his ex go..

[Dav1dTh0ma389]

I think long distance relationships, don't last. I think you're making a mistake doing one

[Asking_for_knowledge]

Don’t be clingy, clingy doesn’t mean love

[Asker]

So you think this is not because he’s not into me. This is him saying that if I continue being clingy then it means he’ll lose interest warning?

[Asking_for_knowledge]

Yes, and that proves that he cares and wants a serious relationship

[Asker]

Thanks I hope you’re right. I’ll back off

[Asking_for_knowledge]

And also, don’t think much about.
Don’t ignore him and don’t cling to him, long distance relationships need more patience and wisdom.
Its like walking on a rope tied in between two buildings, If you don’t balance yourself you fall and die.
You’re welcome

[Asker]

Thanks dude. Appreciate your input.

[Asker]

I have another question for you

Also told me when he was here he told me about his ex who is now married with a baby but she’s not happy and just simply ‘co-habitating’ with her husband. He says they talk now and again and told me her family liked him when they were together for a year in the past) (he said that as a dog as my family were apprehensive about him) but he’s definitely in contact with this chick and on Christmas Day he told me some people texted him and also she did too.

is this guy tryna make me jealous or is he simply friendzoning me?

[Asking_for_knowledge]

I think he probably isn’t happy about a long distance relationship and he wants a normal one.
I’m just guessing, don’t take my word.

[Asker]

Yeah I mean I’m not either but the goal is to close the gap and be together. I’m ready to do that, he isn’t without a job and his own place. So it’s gonna take time for him to sort himself out. I am from the UK, he is from the US. I work for a US company entirely remote. This can work but only if he’s ready.

[Asking_for_knowledge]

Good luck

[TJ1892]

Sounds relatively normal to me.

[jasminej]

Huh?