Does this make me sound bad?

[Anonymous]

Let’s say I went on some dates. I much rather pay for myself on each date. If I don’t have the money, we’re not going on said date.

[SteveSmith1985]

No that definitely doesn't make you sound bad. There are a small minority of staunchly traditional guys who might have a problem with this. But they're a small minority, and... if you want to pay for yourself, you're probably going to clash with a super-traditional guy on other things too.

So generally, no. This doesn't make you sound bad. It make you sound the opposite.

Guys will like that you want to pay for yourself for the most part. Guys get pissed-off about being expected to always be the one to pay. Many EXPECT a girl to pay her share generally.

Now, there are some exceptions. If he's taking you out for your birthday, or to celebrate something you did, or something like that. Then it's appropriate to let him treat you.

The other exception (and this is more my point of view, I don't know how well you can generalize this to guys broadly) would be a first date.

I think it's just fine to let a guy take you out on a date. Even two. And letting him pay for you. I think guys are generally just fine with that too. And most expect that for a first and maybe even second date. There's something about it that just makes it more of a "date" that way. Although I'm sure it wouldn't be a huge problem if someone felt strongly about paying their own share. I might just be a little perplexd (I thought this was a date, why isn't she letting me pay. Is this really a date then?)

Often people don't clear-up whether "going for coffee" means "a date" or if they're just asking to meet for coffee innocently (trust me... interpreting that is like 20% of the questions I answer on here).

One of the ways that BOTH of you make clear that this coffee, or movie, or whatever IS in fact a date is for you to allow the guy to pay for both of you.

Put another way. One of the subtle ways you could tell a guy that this was NOT in fact a date, is to insist on paying your own way. So do really be careful with that. If the guy knows 100% that it's a date. It's no problem. But if the word "date" hasn't actually been said out loud by anybody... he's not sure. So be careful.

Where it becomes relevant, is if we like each other and so are going to continue seeing each other. THEN it starts to be a purely positive thing that you feel this way about splitting the check. If you're going out regularly that is going to be very much appreciated by most men.

I also think the idea that "if you don't have the money, you don't date" is one you should revisit. That might be a bad idea.

So some guy who really likes you... goes through the whole process.

He notices you, likes you, wonders if you like him back? Wonders if maybe you'd say yes if he asked you out... finally works up the courage to ask you out (all of that might have taken anywhere from days to weeks to build up. That whole time you're ALL this guy has been thinking about. You saying yes is what he daydreams about...)

So after finally figuring out just what he's going to say (a whole process, no matter how simple the final version seems).

And with butterflies-in-his-stomach, feeling like he might throw-up... this guy "shoots his shot" (as the kids say). He takes that giant risk to leave himself open and vulnerable. This is important to him. Very important to him.

There's a guy right now, who I've been talking to for 4 days in his replies. 90 replies or something. He asked a girl out. And she didn't even reply. You should see what this poor bastard is going through. I feel really badly for him.

This is important to him. Really important to him.

So after all that, he asks you.

Since you don't see or know about any of that... to you it doesn't seem like a huge deal. You haven't been thinking about him non-stop for the past few days or weeks or whatever. Or maybe you have. That would be doubly unfortunate.

So you say no. Because you don't have the money right now, but you have this rule that you always pay your own way.

Now... that's a fucking shame.

Do you think that guy wouldn't LOVE for you to say yes if he could pay for you? It's not about the money. He wants to get to know you because he likes you and hopes this will be the start of something.

I think it's great that you're so egalitarian in your views. Men will think it's great too.

Just don't be so mono-focused on your principle that you carry it to situations where it doesn't make sense. 🙂

[Asker]

I guess birthdays would make sense. But, other than that, I’m paying for myself.

[SteveSmith1985]

That's cool. All I can do is give you my opinion, and try and point things out I think you maybe didn't consider. But, what you choose to do with that opinion is, of course, entirely your choice. 🙂

[SlothySlob]

If you explain your position to your date, most people would respect your decision or offer an alternative.

[Thatpearl26]

Well for me it would just depend on why you need to pay for the date. Why wouldn’t you let the person your going out with pay for it?

[Asker]

I’m used to paying stuff for myself so I like to continue doing so.

[PeterLegg91]

Yes it does , or just make an excuse and fix the date for a time when you do have the money

[Asker]

I rather be upfront and arrange us to go another time.

[PeterLegg91]

Do that then :)

[MrCommodore]

Thats a fair thing to do.